Bachelorette Finale Part 1: They're Seriously Milking This Thing

This week’s episode and first part of the finale takes place on the tropical island of Antigua. But no one cares where they are because we just want tears. 

LET THERE BE TEARS. 

I've been crying for different reasons. 

As Des looks back at her journey and all the hearts she crushed, I bask in the all the pain and salty man-tears she brought to the small screen. 

Des describes what she loves about each of the remaining men. 

Chris has a playfulness to him, like an 8 year old boy who writes poetry. 

Drew has a rockin’ bod, really great taste in oxford shirts and scores a hard 6 on the Kinsey Scale. 

Brooks is everything Des could ever want in a man. But does he love her more than his luscious, raven hair? Eh...debatable. 

Drew’s Date

"OH MY GAWD A TOTALLY RANDOM
 PARTY HOW FUNNY IS THAT?!"

“Des and I pull up to this old house in Antigua and there’s a party going on!”

They’re buying cheap island knick-knacks and Drew claims they’ll put this crap in their house someday. RED FLAG NUMBER ONE- he mentions a future house/ life together- 100% guarantee that it will not happen. 

What's with Drew whittling away at that pineapple? Could ABC not just get them some diced fruit? A nice spread with some gruyere cheese, perhaps?

“I feel bad because he’s going to go back to work and everyone’s going to make fun of him.”- Genna Rossi, viewer and friend. 

Drew and Des go directly to the fantasy suite- not because Des asked and Drew said yes, but because it’s monsoon season on the island and it’s raining on their bonfire beach dinner. 

Say it with me, tropic seasonal scheduling.

Chris’s Date

Chris and Des take a ride in a helicopter over the island. Des looks like she is dressed for a N.E.R.D video or a slutty Free People photo shoot. 

I can’t concentrate on the psycho babble they’re saying because there is a high-pitched bird symphony happening in the jungle behind them. This feels like a scene out of Catching Fire, in theaters this November. 

Hire me, Lions Gate Entertainment

We get the first serious conversation about location/relationship future potential. Chris explains that Seattle is the place where he wants to be to work, raise a family, and continue to recycle 87 different ways. 

Brooks’ Date and Dash

Confused. That is what is written all over Brooks’ angelic face. Is he confused about Des? How he feels? Exactly what is the electoral college? Who shot JR? Why did the Sopranos end like that? 

Let’s not sugar coat it. Brooks is Des’ favorite. She has stated multiple times that she loves him. She gushed over him the most and claims that although she is falling in love with Drew and Chris- her love river for Brooks goes so deep and strong that your covered wagon from Oregon Trail wouldn’t cross safely and your entire party would die of cholera. 

We’re all waiting for Brooks to just say it.

He doesn’t want her goodies. He’s over it. He’s not about the Des Life. 

Chris Harrison is pissed. As someone who just got divorced, he demands answers as to why Brooks feels the way he does, but can’t quite articulate. 

ugh. 

“This is the last thing I want to do to Des.” No, I believe that would be to marry her, Brooksy. 

This break up is so prolonged. All the hugging in the world won’t make that full head of lettuce love you any more, girl. 

Brooks gets a little mad when she finally told him that she loves him- when he claims she never told him or let him believe that. 

Des sets the record straight- “I TOLD YOU I WAS RUNNING TOWARDS THE FINISH LINE.” 

You can't even get  your running metaphors for love straight, dude. 

WHAT KIND OF MAN ARE YOU?

“I don’t care that you just broke my heart, I still love you." 

Just stop saying sorry. You’re not sorry. 

I know I said I wanted tears. 

But this is enough. 

I’m good. 

This can be over now. 

NEXT WEEK

Finale part deux.

Des is still crying. 

Chris Harrison is still saying “finale” weird. 

So, nothing new.