#marnieproblems: Punch Me In The Face, Because This Is Never Ending

Last week on The Bachelor, we left off with Kelsey having a "panic attack" that sounded a lot like over-exasperated sex noises.

This week, her community theater acting chops aren't fooling the rest of the women.

Prince Farming, however, has inhaled too much pesticide spray over the years and thinks she just sounds like a cow in heat.

The Rose Ceremony

This week's prolonged Rose Ceremony is brought to you by the Grand Rapids Community Theater Company, Dr. Ira Goldenbladt of The Beverly Hills Cosmetic Surgery Practice, and the nice Vietnamese woman who applies the tarantula-sized falsies to Ashley's eyelids each morning.

We say goodbye to Samantha, who has literally been on camera 3 times and has not spoken since the first night.

From this circle of devastation, Chris and the women take off for Deadwood. The place where no one would ever think to go for a romantic time, ever, in the history of ever.

One-on-One Date

Becca finally got a one-on-one date and everyone is really happy for her/ filling her shampoo bottle with Nair.

But I can't worry about the safety of Becca's golden locks now that I realize Kelsey is a guidance counselor FOR CHILDREN.

I basically had a mop with a wig as my guidance counselor in high school but I'm confident in saying that Kelsey would still be a poor choice in comparison.

I don't even care what Becca and Chris are doing on their date, because I'm waiting for Breakdances With Wolves to rip out a chunk of Kelsey's bob to burn in effigy during the next Rose Ceremony.

After the couple rode horses or something, they cuddle up by a bonfire and Becca finally addresses Chris' prepubescent giggle that stole the hearts of women and gay men across the nation.

Group Date

Big & Rich shows up and suddenly Whitney has a southern twang and a need to line dance.

The ladies are asked to write a song and perform it- making Carly's profession as a cruise ship singer valuable for the first time in her life.

Is she going to do okay without the over-60 audience and pungent scent of menthol cigarettes, moth balls, and lint-covered butterscotch candies?

Sure these girls can write a few musical lines about their love for Chris, but can they match pitch? Are they experienced in mermaid dancing?

It's a lot of floor work.

Here it is folks. The first PUBLIC concert in Bachelor history.

And it comes with a rose.

And white people dancing.

Britt and Chris return from the concert with rose in hand and everyone immediately starts crying.

Let me ask you a question, women of The Bachelor, do you understand the way this TELEVISION SHOW works?

Do you get how there are PRODUCERS and WRITERS calculating your every move and using it to their advantage?

Oh, you were too busy steaming your meat wallet?

I digress.

Two-on-One Date

This date is always a crowd-pleaser.

It's essentially the Bachelor/ Bachelorette trying to figure out which person sucks less.

The trio make their way into the Badlands. If you know nothing about this place, go ask Kelsey because apparently she's a freakin' encyclopedia of information on all things in the history of the world.

After a warning from Ashley, Chris calls Kelsey out on being a cyborg, and in true Artificial Intelligence style, she overcompensates with emotion and plots the demise of the one who crossed her.

I don't like Kelsey by any means, nor do I want her to advance in the competition. But if her sticking around for another week means I don't have to endure another two hours of Ashley crying, then so be it.