Hank Does Not Tread Lightly. He Stomps All Over The Place.

Tonight on Breaking Bad:

I half-expect the opening scene to be Walt and Jesse just staring at each other, heavily breathing. 

Instead we have an old dude in a hunting hat, revving up his old Chrysler truck and following the happy trail of cash that Jesse chucked out the window last episode. 

This duffle bag money has me nervous. 

Almost as nervous as that time I lost my mom in Zaney Brainy and cried and had to go to the customer service desk. 

Jesse has flown over the cuckoo's nest. 

He's completely lost it. 

Walt flees from the scene in Hank's garage, leading us to this tender moment between Skylar and her beloved brother-in-law in a diner. Hank whips out the microphone and asks Skylar to spill all the secrets and give the most spur-of-the-moment statement in his DEA career. 

#AmIUnderArrest ?!?!

Now we're in a storage unit. 

And there's a hot-tub sized stack of money. 

I'd swim in that big pile of money. 

Homeboy's go the right idea. 

Who needs a SleepNumber when you have butt loads of Benjamins?

Judging by how often Saul dons purple shirts, ties, and pocket squares, there may be a valid theory that he and Marie are sneaking around. Just a theory. Like how Walt goes into the Witness Protection Program and becomes the dad on Malcolm in the Middle. 

Why are we driving out into the desert? 

Only bad things happen in the desert. 

Marie shows up the White Residence looking for some girl time/ tell-me-all-about-your-drug-lord-husband time. 

Okay, okay so Walt wasn't necessarily a drug lord- just a producer/distributor and he killed some people. 

What title does that give him? 

Marie, are you really trying to take the baby?! You'd try to dress her up in plum colored shirts and enter her in baby pageants.

Baby Holly can't be in the New Mexico Pageant Circuit because Honey Boo Boo or her mom would probably eat her. 

Back in the desert, Walt is digging holes. I feel like I've seen this before. 

Is he burying the methylamine?

Or is it the money? 

His dignity? 

Where's Junior?

Could he be in one of those barrels?

He's also buying expensive coordinates equipment and smashing it with rocks. 

So there's that. 

Andrea's working that blue pea coat and managing to create diamonds out of the lumps of coal metaphorically stuck up her ass. 

It's a reference, guys. Get on your 80's movie game faces.

TODD? TODD, IS THAT YOU?

Oh, good Jesse's back...being questioned by the cops and still dead in the eyes. 

He better call Saul. 

See you next week. 

I Am The One Who Knocks On Your Door and Asks for a Tissue Because Fans Will Be Sobbing After This Show Ends

Sorry for the delay on this post. The commute to Manhattan every day has me in a zombie-like state by the time I come home. 

Last Season on Breaking Bad, the level of crazy escalated at the same rate as Amanda Bynes' insanity. 

So naturally, this premiere had viewers champing at the bit to see how Hank would handle the discovery of Walt's secret, how the show would go on without Mike, and if Jesse finally found a pair of pants that fit him. 

They open with the usual 5 minute scene where there's no dialogue and it just builds the tension up that much more. 

We see that this first scene is a flash forward segment with a hairy Bryan Cranston. The house is torn apart and we're expected to believe Walt has either been presumed dead or something REALLY good happens in the finale that causes the neighbor to drop her bag of groceries in shock.

This is all great tension-building stuff, don't get me wrong. But all the while I'm internally screaming, "WHERE'S JESSE?!"

Hank's panic attack is similar to the ride from the Chocolate Room in WIlly Wonka. 

There's no earthly way of knowing

                                                       Which direction we are going
                                                There's no knowing where we're rowing
                                                      Or which way the river's flowing

Finally we get a glimpse of Jesse. And for a treat, he is joined by Badger and Skinny Pete.

Badger's bad Star Trek episode needs to be put into production, ASAP. 

I'd watch this show. 

Oh wait, someone already did.
I need a 'Yeah, bitch' out of Jesse and I need it now.

Depressed Jesse is riveting though. Here he is giving his $5 million to Mike's grandaughter and the dirt bike kids family.

So, Skylar and Walt are solely living off of the car wash? Oh, right, and all that dirty drug money. Casual.

Andrea makes an appearance at the car wash and I wish Mike were still alive to threaten her. Skylar sure as hell isn't intimidating enough.

Walt visits Jesse and can you all sense the parallels? All they need now is a Winnebago and some tighty whities and we're back in business. 

Scene cut to Saul's waiting room and a pissed Jesse, smoking a joint to get what he wants. 

Do not tell me Jesse is going to give this hobo all the money. This hobo who looks like a thin and and older Quest Love from The Roots gets a stack of cash.

The Hank and Walt showdown is inevitable. Except I didn't expect the tracker to be brought up and the showdown to happen so early in the season. When that garage door goes down you know it's about to get real.

Walt pleads with Hank to stop and think. With his cancer returning he explains that, "In six months you won't have someone to prosecute." 

I'm usually all amped up for a good Heisenberg monologue, but this was border line groveling. Granted, it's groveling that shows how this character still retains a sense of crippling fear and love for his family. 

BY THE WAY-

Don't overlook the fact that this show is so freaking brilliant that the entire series is summed up in a chemistry metaphor within the first seven minutes of the pilot.

And if you don't think that's the tightest shit, then get out of my face. 

I mean, it's like they're ripping the side block out of my mental Jenga. 

Until next week, kids...