Crank That Painfully Stereotypical White Person Dating Show

It's a miracle I can blog tonight because I'm still incredibly upset about the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. Should I even be allowed near a computer right now? I feel so vulnerable and betrayed. I'm not sure if I can trust television anymore. It'll be a long and rough road back.

What's on the docket this week for The Bachelorette? Naturally it's Souljah Boy, the most irrelevant rapper of 2013. I can just imagine the ABC producers now...

"Who's available? Nas? Cypress Hill?" 

I bet you they tried to call Tupac and were confused when he didn't return their calls.

Lets play a game called count the V-necks.

Brooks' One-on One date
What will the pair do for this season's first one-on-one?

As the men feverishly gather around ye old chateau fountain to watch Brooks and his hair ride away into the sunset with Des, one of them calls that Bentley baby blue. Listen dude, that Bentley is hardly baby blue. It's the color of my toothpaste. It's "Crest Blue."

Every time someone says "My future wife." 

The Hollywood sign. "You look over all of LA, you can't really see LA though through all the smog and exhaust from traffic on the Santa Monica Boulevard. But gee whiz, it sure is pretty."- Brooks

Lost in LA. Des is pulling another one of these dumb "I hired an actor to make my date feel uncomfortable/ I'm acting/I'm such an ACTRESS, right ABC I can ACT."

At this rate if Des keeps driving her dates everywhere I might as well refer to Brooks as Miss Daisy.

As Desiree brings up his parent's divorce Miss Daisy sheds a fragile tear.

As they scamper off away from the dinner table, we all know what's happening next. It's a private concert.
But it's not a country star SHOCK AND AWE, it's Andy Grammer who normally I wouldn't make fun of, but this is the price he must pay for going on this atrocious show.

Wasn't this song popular like 3 years ago?
Who finds the talent for this show?
Have they lost their job yet?
Can I have it instead?

Group Date

SO MANY PASTEL V-NECKS I WANT TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.

"WE'RE MAKING A RAP VIDEO!"

Seriously.

I need to know who plans these dates.

I need to know who does this to America.

How much does Souljah Boy hate his life right now? I'm thinking as much as his mother hates her own life for having a son named Souljah Boy.

Brandon has to jiggle his Willis and Doodleberries at Des and has no problem with it. No problem whatsoever. And Des looked. She looked HARD.

I can already tell this is going to be a quality rap video.

So many cargo shorts and high socks. Cargo shorts are unfair. I like how there’s barely enough room to fit a phone in the pockets of girl pants but in cargo shorts you can practically perform your niece's baptism.  

Zak W calls himself a buffoon. I can think of several more accurate names to call Zak W. 

But I have to hand it to him, he's killing it with this gift of a journal. 

Brandon wishes they didn't have to care about the rose and just be themselves. He just wants to bake a cake out of rainbows and smiles and they could all eat it and be happy. 

Everyone's hating on Ben. Let's ease up guys. It could be worse. He could be Kalon. Or Tierra. 

Let's be honest. It's the second episode and the contestants are already turning on each other. This isn't Survivor, its the glorified and slightly scripted version of The Dating Game featuring people who probably can get dates in the real world, but those dates aren't on TV, so the only logical life  choice for these people would be dating someone infront of the entire nation (and Canada). 

"I just wanna love you" says Brandon. Translation: 

Ben gets the rose. And everyone hates Ben again. Wasn't this beef just squashed? They're worse than a pack of middle school girls. 

Bryden's Date

Break out that flip camera Bry Bry. This is actually a legitimate real life- date situation. They already hit up the seedy gas stations and agreed on snacks. That's a HUGE step. 

After a short beach trip they head to an orange vineyard and then to Ojai. Are we supposed to believe that they actually drove all the way up to Ojai and didn't find a sweat lodge or organic hemp farm to film a scene at? That's the stuff this show needs. 

Casually, Bryden pulls his car wreck photos out of his pocket. 

I like Bryden and his use of car wreck pictures. I just wish he had better hair. 

I hope Des doesn't need to tell him to kiss her already all the time, otherwise she's going to need to drop it like it's lukewarm.

Cocktail Party

SHOUT OUT TO MICHAEL G FOR HAVING JUVENILE DIABETES. You work that betus Michael G, you OWN that betus. 

"My blood sugar was 800." Don't be such a pussy, Michael G.

Mine was 990. 

There's Ben lurking in the shadows. 

Okay, now I understand the Ben hate. I'm Team Ben Hate now. Don't interrupt someone's diabetes story, bro. We have needles and large sugar tablets that are like mini hockey pucks. Don't mess. 

Rose Ceremony

Juan Pablo has flown completely under the radar this week to the point where I forgot he was even Latino until he spoke and Des offered him the rose in Spanish. Ahhh 

Will, the minority contestnt, may be out this week. It's about that time unless ABC is trying to turn a new leaf. But that's what VH1, Flavor of Love and I Love New York were for. 

Brandon looked so nervous he was probably having hot flashes and holding in his submissive urge to pee. 

This week we say goodbye to the token black guy (obviously), Fetal Robert, and 'Who is that?' Nick M. 

NEXT WEEK:

Someone's ex-girlfriend comes and Chris Harrison gets involved, so it's either completely legit or another poorly planned and executed prank like hometown dates last season. 

THE VIDEO: 

"Right Reasons"

Yes, this video gives me the right reason to projectile vomit all over my computer while writing this blog. 

Why do I do this to myself. 

Oh that's right. For all of you. 

Fill My Love Tank: A Tale of First Encounters

                                                           Welcome back friends!

"The Bachelorette is back!"

This season of the Bachelorette is going to be a rough one to sit through. 

You know when a movie trailer shows you basically the whole movie and you just sit there in the theater and go "Well okay that was basically the film - I guess I don't really need to see it. Pass the popcorn and milk duds please." This isn't like that. You can't tear your eyes away from a trainwreck like this. Try it. You can't do it.

Raise your hand if you can smell the irony

"Picture like the best dream you've ever had, and then times that by ten and then live in it".

DONE.

Are we supposed to believe that all Des brings to the chateau is that tacky boho bag? It looks like something I found in the Anthropologie sale tent and passed over because it looked like someone gave an epileptic a red bull and a pack of glitter glue.

While candidly staring out at the coastline, Des says that she "believe[s] in this experience."
Funny, it makes me believe in induced vomiting. To each his (or her) own. 

To set the scene in Malibu, we get a nice shot of Des doing typical California things. Don't hassle her, she's local now. She roller skated down the boardwalk in jorts and a bikini top.

"I just, like, love companionship."

 Then get a freaking dog.

Introductions:

While watching the short segments on some of the men, we meet a certain "advertising entrepreneur". WAIT. Is he an "advertising entrepreneur" because he is one of those funky sign spinners you see outside Quiznos? 

WHERE THE BEEFCAKES AT?! BRING 'EM OUT. BRING 'EM OUT. 

Drew: The candidate for Senator with the voice of a 13 year old.

Brooks: He's a hugger.

Brad: But you can call me B-RAD.

Bryden: Besides the name, not memorable.

Micahel G: The "Let's go for a walk" guy. Find the penny bro, just find the freaking penny. 

Kasey: He creeped on her. He's a creeper. No more "hashtag" or I'll consider changing the title of my blog.

Will: Who we will call "Token" for obvious reasons (he's a banker, DUH). 

Mikey T: Has the right to (literal) bear arms. 

Jonathon: Most likely to be convicted of sexual assault in the workplace.

Zak W: Snaps for casting TWO Zaks ABC. He has nice abs. and he knows it. 

James: This one's all about loyalty. Des might get the dog I was talking about earlier. 

Larry:  My mom thought he was a woman at first glance so he is now dubbed Larry the Lady, He Who Makes Awkward Dance Introductions.

Nick R: Magician. A freaking magician. 

Zak K: Rockin' the converse. Respect. 

Diogo: Her knight in shining green card. 

Chris: CUTE and FUNNY and a potential favorite.

Mike R: McDreadful.

Robert: Fresh out the womb. 

Juan Pablo: HoLA. 

Brandon: Nice bike. horrible suit. 

Brian: Thought you were Nick Miller from New Girl for a sec there. Imagine my disappointment. 

Micah: He's a designer of tacky suits to go with Des' tacky bag. 

Nick M: He's a poet and we all wish we didn't know it. 

Dan: Director of beverage sales. Mom weighs in- "I wonder what beverage he sells."

(Honorable Mention)Brody: THE CUTEST THING EVER 

Anytime anyone opens their mouth to speak, ever. 

Ben: The exploiter of children. 

"I remember how hard this whole process is. Just be yourself", advises Desiree as the cocktail party begins. What a great story. Can you tell it again? Do you have time?

COCKTAIL HOUR: 

Naturally the magician/tailor needs to bring the focus on himself because he has an attention complex and make a terrible segue into alone time with Des. 

Brandon got a little testy when Des got pulled away by the magician so of course he swooped in and over-shared and called her his future wife. 

If I didn't write this blog while watching the show I would participate in every relevant drinking game . Sadly drunk blogging is a new low that I think I shouldn't approach until later in my post-grad career. 

ROSE CHECK POINT: 

1. Ben receives the first rose because he used his ridiculously adorable child to impress Desiree. 

2. All hell breaks loose when Shirtless Zak decides to peel off the rest of his clothes and takes a dip in the pool. We get it Taylor Lautner, you have a sweet bod. Therefore we congratulate you with a rose.

3. Drew, the prepubescent voiced delegate from Arizona nabs himself a boutonniere after managing to not let his voice crack for five straight minutes. 

Jonathan is HAMSKIEEEEEEEEEEEED and is "going to try and kiss Desiree on the mouth". 

Ten points for Drunkendor! 

His "love tank" hasn't been depleted in years. 

We are looking at a very large love tank. 

The size of this love tank could safely house the entire Duggar family, Kanye West's ego, and Kim Kardashian's ass.  

Sadly, Jonathan, you are the weakest link. Goodbye. 

Can we fast forward to the Rose Ceremony now Des? I can feel myself losing IQ points. I already started liking Ke$ha, I can't afford to lose anymore to this show. 

Rose Ceremony

See ya never; Diogo, Larry, and Magic Nick. 

May you find love some other way that isn't broadcasted to the entire nation, and Canada.

Namaste.

THIS SEASON On the Bachelorette:

Shock, awe, surprise, love, fondling, hugging, squabbling, ball grabbing, punching, crying, UGLY crying, deception, lying, ex-girlfriends, swearing, groveling, regret, more ugly crying, forehead rubbing, human sacrifice, white walkers, and dragons. 

The only way to cope.

                             I hope we all make it through this season with our sanity intact. 

Bachelorette Preview: Let's Meet Some of The Men

   So here we are again. Another season of the Bachelorette and the one year anniversary of this blog starting! This time around we have Desiree Hartsock as Our Lady Desperately Seeking Spouse. I'm doing you all a solid by giving you a little pre-cursor to what men we have to look at for two hours every Monday night. Seriously ABC, could we not just let our brains rot for the one hour? We have to sit through TWO? 

  This is making me upset already and the season hasn't even premiered yet. Let's just move along to the beefy bachelors, sarcasm, and cynicism already.

But maybe this time we should let the men speak for themselves, right? 

Or maybe I could just do it for them? 

I prefer the latter. 

Hi, my name's Mike. I'm a Federal Prosecutor from New York and probably the most attractive contestant this season. Women of America will swoon over my robust biceps and charming smile while I subtly remind them that I look like that guy from Smallville, which practically makes me Superman. I enjoy long walks on the beach and ironing my v-neck tees that come in an array of pastel and jewel tones. My manicurist's name is Debbie and I'm allergic to ugly people. 

How's it hangin'? I'm Brad from Denver, The Sunshine State. I'm an accountant/DJ so you know I have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. When I'm not doing your taxes or spinning mad funky beats for the insanely drunk college crowd, I take my labradoodles, Lysander and Gwenivere down to the park and let them frolic while other people stare at my freakishly symmetrical face and distressed colored shirt that says, I'm moderately to severely boring but I like to party. 

Hey ya'll I'm Jonathon. I've got dreamy eyes and a jawline that makes menopausal women go weak in the knees. I'm doing this half smile here that implies that I'm adorable but I don't know it. But I totally do. This fitted t-shirt perfectly accents my eyes and emphasizes my pecs, which are spectacular by the way. I'm an attorney but that's boring so I'll just stare into your eyes while you talk about all the kids you want until the producers come over and remind me to blink and tell me my hair looks amazing. Because it always does. 

I'm Ben, I'm from Lubbock Texas WOOOOO HOOK EM HORNS! And I'm an entrepreneur . I'm super cute and this shirt looks really good on me so maybe I'll buy some more and sell them and just keep being an entrepreneur. Cool, yeah... awesome- are there snacks later or do we just keep making out with lady and talking to the camera?

Hey there I'm James. I just got back from the tanning salon so excuse my glistening T-zone and cleft chin. I have these really defined eyebrows and perfected hairstyle that make people go WHAT?! And then I smile and they're like HOW?! And I do a little wink and swagger off into the sunset while adjusting my huge watch to all the time zones that ABC will send all of us dudes to this season. Oh, and I'm the rumored winner. 

Hi, I'm Larry from Kansas. I look like I came straight out of a Lens Crafters commercial and that's about it. 

Oh hey my name is Micah. I'm from Minnesota so you betchyur bottom dollar I'm gonna have an accent! My head is too small for my body and I'll probably go home the first night but that's okay because I'll have made great friends and managed not to cry on camera while Desiree picks from this sea of boring white guys. 

WAZZAP. The name's Mike- OBVIOUSLY. My v- neck is so deep like my soul and I'm a plumbing contractor from  Chicago.  I'll redo your bathroom and then we can go grab some deep dish pizza and catch a Cubs game. Maybe after we could swing by that Polish restaurant Creepy Chris took Emily to during hometown dates last season. Maybe. I don't know though they may make me put on a shirt that isn't as plunging as this. 

Salutations! My name is Nick. I'm a tailor AND a magician so whoever casted for this season is definitely getting fired or peeing their pants laughing in the control room editing these episodes. When I'm not being a tailor, I'm performing magic like any other self-respecting 26 year old man. Let's run off into the sunset while I bring in that seam and fix that hem on your Rose Ceremony dress, are those real Swarovski crystals? THEY ARE? Oh wow, this beadwork will take some time but I'll just say Abracadabra and POOF it'll be complete! I do childrens' birthdays and bachelorette parties.  

Howdy, my name is Robert, but you can call me Baby Robert because I look like I just came out of the womb. 

In western Washington, born and raised- in a bank is where I spend most of my days.  Chillin' out, maxin' relaxin' all cool, doin' some bankin' like I learned in school. My name is Will Smith. That's really my name. I'm not kidding. I'm also the only black guy on this show. And I'm not even sure if that dig in my eyebrow was intentional. I'm not even really supposed to be here actually. I was on my way to Costco when somebody from the show came up to me on the street and asked if I wanted to be on TV. I said- "Uh maybe" and now I'm here. They said there'd be snacks. Is that Nutella? 

Drew here. I'm incredibly handsome and sometimes look like Ryan Gosling in the right light. There is this much gel in my hair every day and yes, my eyes are that blue. Desiree and I belong together because my mom told me I needed a girlfriend and this is how you get a girlfriend these days. 
I'm 6' 2" so I can get things off the top shelf and clean a gutter by standing on my tip toes. I look like I could run for senate and win solely based off of my good looks and approachable demeanor.

So there we have it. This is only a small sample of the gems we'll get to know and loathe on this season of The Bachelorette, I left out some men for the sake of surprise.

Enjoy the show on Monday, everyone. 

I know I will. 

Finally, It's Over: The Final Rose

We've made it. The Final Rose. Will there be a proposal? Obviously, Sean is more eager to get married than a pair of West Virginia cousins.

Let's play a game. "Count the dudes in the live studio audience."

Chris says there's a surprise in store? Plot twist: Emily and Sean got together and are adopting Jef With One F.

HIS NIECE AND NEPHEW ARE SO CUTE I AM GOING TO PROJECTILE VOMIT.

I wish my uncles were on the Bachelor and got to fly us all out to Thailand. Giddy up, Larry, Dana, and Doan. Marnie needs to get her Phuket on.

Catherine walks into the bungalow and is the raisin in a bowl of cream of wheat. "Diversity" protests ABC.

On Catherine's one-on-one date with Sean's mom, she throws out SAT words like "reciprocate." We get it, you learned a book.

As Catherine yammers on about her search for great love, Sean's mom is clutching her elbows in a self-consoling way that screams "THIS IS THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE I'VE EVER FELT."

Sean's dad is basically a saint and is calling Cath his daughter because her dad is over the cuckoo's nest.

I was looking forward to his sister grilling her about anything and everything while little Kensington and Smith throw Pad Thai in her face.

Lindsay, my girl, don't screw this up.

"Let's talk about you in the limo..." asks Sean's family.

"I had just chugged like a whole bag of Franzia and taken a few muscle relaxers and really tried to channel my inner bride like the sister from Sixteen Candles."

Lindsay's thoughts upon walking into the bungalow

I'm going to count the number of times she refers to prayer while in the presence of Pastor Lowe.

On her one-on-one date with Sean's dad, Lindsay gets ballsy and asks a BIG question. "Can I have Sean's hand in marriage?"

Sean's mom has a valid point when questioning how serious and deep their relationship goes. "We've sat down and talked about all the hard things, like...you know...apartheid and... um...the first season finale of Game of Thrones."

Look at his calves. They could crush a Buick.

Mama Lowe is the only sane one here. Sean wants to pop the question after knowing a chick for 2 months. My car has spent more time at the Subaru auto body shop than these women have spent with Sean.

Ok, Ron Burgundy. 

Sean gets technical. "And over there is Myanmar, and this is Thailand..and over there is Laos... or LOW as they say it here."

"What do you think we're going to look like when we're old?" - Lindsay

Lindz, you are drunk. GO HOME.

BUT WAIT FOR HIM TO TELL YOU HE LOVES YOU BACK.

HE LOVES YOU BACK.

SNAPS FOR YOU, LINDZ.

I'm sitting here watching this with my parents and my dad is analyzing their kissing technique. If there is a level beyond super-mega-discomfort...I've reached that level.

They did it in Ashley's season too. 

What are these, paper lanterns? HOW ORIGINAL.

Keep saying you've fallen in love with Lindsay. Just keep that thought in your beautiful, beautiful head.

Catherine needs to burn that shirt. Purple polka dots are a crime. They both should be arrested for the degree of matchy-matchiness going on in this elephant reserve.

Catherine has never so obviously wanted the D in her entire life. Except Sean's got that circle with the line through it down there. That thing, that Ghostbusters thing.

"I just really love you" No Sean, you just really love the idea that your kids could go to college for half price.

Before they leave each other, there's some tushy grabbing and I'm pretty sure that means Sean wants to choose Catherine.

Catherine starts to throw a bitch fit and I'm pretty sure if she stamps her foot a little more and holds her breath Sean will pick her.

I haven't mentioned it yet this season but Sean's sweaty red-faced problem has been under control. There is only one explanation, he drank the blood of his enemies.

The Women Scorned are going with Lindsay as Sean's pick. I agree but then again he and Catherine do seem to have something special but it just doesn't fit in my opinion. She's like a wet, soggy puzzle piece trying to fit into the Sean masterpiece.

"I'm dreading seeing that look on her face."
Well I'm really excited for it so SHOW ME.

The second Lindsay says that today is the day she's going to get engaged. Me and all of America know that it's actually not.

I can't tell if I'm angry upset or disappointed upset or just bloated from inhaling my gelato during the commercial break.

What's super difficult is hearing Lindsay sob about how everything she ever wanted was dangled in front of her face and Sean just took it away. Ja feel, Lieutenant Dan? 

Sean is crying man tears right now. Big, fat, crocodile, man tears.

Of course Catherine gave Chris a letter for Sean. OF COURSE.

Naturally ABC cuts back to the live studio and every member of that audience leaked a little in their underoos when Sean opened that cheesy note.

"I love you so much and I'm going to tell you every day."

My reaction to Sean's decision

Okay... that's kind of cute.

Am I the only concerned for the elephant they're riding on? There's legit a rope up its butt. Someone call PETA.

Okay, so they're engaged and everything is la-di-da, whatever.
Good news is we all can go back to having a life on Monday nights.

How Lindsay basically feels. 

                                    At least until Desiree and her Bachelorette season begins.

Which is great because I'll be graduated and in the real world where blogging about reality TV shows may or may not be an actual route to a career.

The Women Tell Us Everything We Already Knew.

Tonight, a very special edition of the Bachelor: The Women Tell All.
Apparently this season is the best by far and the ratings are off the charts thanks in large part, to Sean's abs. Tonight's episode is also brought to you by all of the women scorned by Sean's love and rejection.

Chris and Sean do their own rendition of Wedding Crashers and show up randomly to Bachelor viewing parties AKA, lots of lonely women who take this show seriously. They even showed up to a sorority house, surprised a room full of Delta Gammas where they then sat and chatted about their majors, where they're from and talked about all the Greek Week trophies they've won.

said no one who reads my blog ever. 

The women are introduced and I'm outraged. WHERE THE HECK IS THE JUMBO TRON OPERATOR? Oh wait of course, it's hockey season- the busy season.

Let's not let a Tierrable situation be the first thing discussed, Chris. Let's create a nice build up over the course of the night and allude to it in promos before we want to gouge our eyes out.

"Brooke?"

Must you speak, Brooke? Must you harp on a topic that you know nothing about? These girls lived through the Tierrarism, they were in the trenches with her. They exchanged glares that radiated gamma rays of hate whenever that crazy bitch was around. Don't act like you know what's up, Brooke because YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THEY'VE BEEN.

Sean just tweeted that he is the one picking the tweets thats run across the bottom of the sceeen. If they suck my love for him may be compromised.

For the love of Sean Connery can you all SEE her frickin' eyebrow? It's making a run for her forehead. Retreating to her weave.

"I wasn't going there to find my best friend" she says. WELP. There ya go. Mission accomplished.

At least we know she can spell. Can she spell anything else? P-S-Y-C-H-O.

"I'm not calling you a liar I'm saying you lied to me." The start to every valid argument on this show.
Bottom line. Tierra doesn't want or need friends. She's her own best friend.

"When I was a girl I was Little Miss Nevada." Was your name also Lola, and were you a showgirl?

Sarah, we've missed you and your arm. Not really but whatever.

When she gets a manicure does she get it at half-price?

I like to think that she's gone as the Venus de Milo at least once for halloween.

I don't really need to see the Des/Sean montage. I just don't. Do you guys? Because I'm all set.

There is only one word for AshLee's face while she watched the montage, organized.

She doesn't love Sean anymore. She's "reeled in her feelings."

"I wanna beat you right now because you said it." 

I hope Sean and and Chris are really good friends outside of the show. Something about that bromance just feels right.

Sean looks smaller. He's been skipping leg day. Chris needs to be there with him at the gym. Friends don't let friends skip leg day.

There are bloopers.

There are shirtless Sean bloopers.

Praise be to whey protein.

Next Week On The Bachelor
The final rose is given and possibly  most definitely a proposal. I've read spoilers because I have no will power but I won't ruin it for the rest of you.

So who will it be?

Looney Lindsay? Quirky Catherine?




Thank Beyonce its my Spring Break next week so I won't be frantically studying for another Art History Exam after blogging.

I hope you all are grateful that I sacrifice my academic integrity by ignoring about 50 Byzantine-Renaissance flashcards from the hours of 8-11 PM.