Crank That Painfully Stereotypical White Person Dating Show

It's a miracle I can blog tonight because I'm still incredibly upset about the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. Should I even be allowed near a computer right now? I feel so vulnerable and betrayed. I'm not sure if I can trust television anymore. It'll be a long and rough road back.

What's on the docket this week for The Bachelorette? Naturally it's Souljah Boy, the most irrelevant rapper of 2013. I can just imagine the ABC producers now...

"Who's available? Nas? Cypress Hill?" 

I bet you they tried to call Tupac and were confused when he didn't return their calls.

Lets play a game called count the V-necks.

Brooks' One-on One date
What will the pair do for this season's first one-on-one?

As the men feverishly gather around ye old chateau fountain to watch Brooks and his hair ride away into the sunset with Des, one of them calls that Bentley baby blue. Listen dude, that Bentley is hardly baby blue. It's the color of my toothpaste. It's "Crest Blue."

Every time someone says "My future wife." 

The Hollywood sign. "You look over all of LA, you can't really see LA though through all the smog and exhaust from traffic on the Santa Monica Boulevard. But gee whiz, it sure is pretty."- Brooks

Lost in LA. Des is pulling another one of these dumb "I hired an actor to make my date feel uncomfortable/ I'm acting/I'm such an ACTRESS, right ABC I can ACT."

At this rate if Des keeps driving her dates everywhere I might as well refer to Brooks as Miss Daisy.

As Desiree brings up his parent's divorce Miss Daisy sheds a fragile tear.

As they scamper off away from the dinner table, we all know what's happening next. It's a private concert.
But it's not a country star SHOCK AND AWE, it's Andy Grammer who normally I wouldn't make fun of, but this is the price he must pay for going on this atrocious show.

Wasn't this song popular like 3 years ago?
Who finds the talent for this show?
Have they lost their job yet?
Can I have it instead?

Group Date

SO MANY PASTEL V-NECKS I WANT TO LIGHT MYSELF ON FIRE.

"WE'RE MAKING A RAP VIDEO!"

Seriously.

I need to know who plans these dates.

I need to know who does this to America.

How much does Souljah Boy hate his life right now? I'm thinking as much as his mother hates her own life for having a son named Souljah Boy.

Brandon has to jiggle his Willis and Doodleberries at Des and has no problem with it. No problem whatsoever. And Des looked. She looked HARD.

I can already tell this is going to be a quality rap video.

So many cargo shorts and high socks. Cargo shorts are unfair. I like how there’s barely enough room to fit a phone in the pockets of girl pants but in cargo shorts you can practically perform your niece's baptism.  

Zak W calls himself a buffoon. I can think of several more accurate names to call Zak W. 

But I have to hand it to him, he's killing it with this gift of a journal. 

Brandon wishes they didn't have to care about the rose and just be themselves. He just wants to bake a cake out of rainbows and smiles and they could all eat it and be happy. 

Everyone's hating on Ben. Let's ease up guys. It could be worse. He could be Kalon. Or Tierra. 

Let's be honest. It's the second episode and the contestants are already turning on each other. This isn't Survivor, its the glorified and slightly scripted version of The Dating Game featuring people who probably can get dates in the real world, but those dates aren't on TV, so the only logical life  choice for these people would be dating someone infront of the entire nation (and Canada). 

"I just wanna love you" says Brandon. Translation: 

Ben gets the rose. And everyone hates Ben again. Wasn't this beef just squashed? They're worse than a pack of middle school girls. 

Bryden's Date

Break out that flip camera Bry Bry. This is actually a legitimate real life- date situation. They already hit up the seedy gas stations and agreed on snacks. That's a HUGE step. 

After a short beach trip they head to an orange vineyard and then to Ojai. Are we supposed to believe that they actually drove all the way up to Ojai and didn't find a sweat lodge or organic hemp farm to film a scene at? That's the stuff this show needs. 

Casually, Bryden pulls his car wreck photos out of his pocket. 

I like Bryden and his use of car wreck pictures. I just wish he had better hair. 

I hope Des doesn't need to tell him to kiss her already all the time, otherwise she's going to need to drop it like it's lukewarm.

Cocktail Party

SHOUT OUT TO MICHAEL G FOR HAVING JUVENILE DIABETES. You work that betus Michael G, you OWN that betus. 

"My blood sugar was 800." Don't be such a pussy, Michael G.

Mine was 990. 

There's Ben lurking in the shadows. 

Okay, now I understand the Ben hate. I'm Team Ben Hate now. Don't interrupt someone's diabetes story, bro. We have needles and large sugar tablets that are like mini hockey pucks. Don't mess. 

Rose Ceremony

Juan Pablo has flown completely under the radar this week to the point where I forgot he was even Latino until he spoke and Des offered him the rose in Spanish. Ahhh 

Will, the minority contestnt, may be out this week. It's about that time unless ABC is trying to turn a new leaf. But that's what VH1, Flavor of Love and I Love New York were for. 

Brandon looked so nervous he was probably having hot flashes and holding in his submissive urge to pee. 

This week we say goodbye to the token black guy (obviously), Fetal Robert, and 'Who is that?' Nick M. 

NEXT WEEK:

Someone's ex-girlfriend comes and Chris Harrison gets involved, so it's either completely legit or another poorly planned and executed prank like hometown dates last season. 

THE VIDEO: 

"Right Reasons"

Yes, this video gives me the right reason to projectile vomit all over my computer while writing this blog. 

Why do I do this to myself. 

Oh that's right. For all of you.