#marnieproblems: Bachelorette Week 5: Yodel Ay He Hookay, What Am I Doing With My Life?

Deutschland!

This week Des and the men sprechen sie cliche, petty, love bullshit in Munich.

Chris' Date

Praise Beyonce, Chris gets a one-on-one date. He's really the only completely normal one in the bunch. But just watch, now that I said that he'll have like, webbed feet and a twin brother growing out of his left shoulder.

Amongst the dude conference occurring in the common area of their hotel suite, I spy 7 hoodies in various colors, 3 henley shirts, and a few crew necks.

Bryden finally decides that this whole thing is ridiculous and Deseree wouldn't pick him anyway, so he sets off to crash her date with Chris so he can leave in peace. He uses his detective skills and asks various locals if they've seen cameras around the area- doesn't even attempt to speak the language- until a bewildered couple point him in the direction of Doofy Des dosey-doe-ing to Herr Schmidt playing the tuba and glockenspiel.

Bye Bye, Bryden

Des is an ugly crier. She also must have a closet chock full of sparkly dresses designed to blind her suitors.

"What are you looking for?" Des asks with a twinkle in her eye.
"Honestly?...Bobby Fischer" responds Chris, as he proceeds to read her lame poetry he wrote in his diary.

WHAT'S THAT?! A surprise solo concert?!

NO. NO. REALLY?

Group Date

Des takes the men up into the misty mountains of Germany.

Please oh please make them all wear lederhosen and yodel into the mountains.

Oh my god they have platters of jumbo pretzels in that igloo. I can't even focus on Brooks and his Rico Suave hair as he assaults her face with his face because those pretzels are so distracting.

Mikey T drops the bomb that he wants three kids as Zak makes awkward and creepy advances towards the pair while STILL not wearing a remotely season-appropriate shirt under that down jacket.

It's apparent that The Green-Eyed Monster has conditioned itself deep into Brooks' hair follicles when he sees Des and James cuddle in the igloo.

Two-on-one Date

This is the first two-on-one of the season and to be perfectly honest, I feel such joy from seeing the men squirm. It's great because one of them is clearly a favorite in her mind but they don't know that so they are trying so desperately to get as much time and attention as they can to prove themselves worthy. Her voice over will let the audience in on how she really feels as one of the guys continues to embarrass themselves and awkwardly touch her hips or abdominal area in an effort to create intimacy.

"Today is Armageddon." Easy there, Betus Mike. He's so dramatic it makes me want to light myself on fire.

I think Desiree enjoys the weirdness and tension between the two guys. I mean, we all do, especially when Michael G brings up Ben's love child and relationship with his baby mama. Pump the brakes, Michael, you're coming off a bit douchey and Des might give you das boot (pun intended.)

Question: How do all these guys not lose their jobs while being away for three months to date some chick on TV? RIDDLE ME THAT, ABC.

I have a feeling Betus Mike is drifting into crazy town and needs to pull a U-turn fast before getting on the Ass Hat Highway and then bearing right onto No Rose Boulevard.

That was maybe one too many travel puns, sorry I'm not sorry.

GAME CHANGER. Michael G gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Now there's a campaign against James and his sculpted eyebrows? When did all this bad blood occur? Was it the sensual face touching Mikey T experienced earlier in the episode or did it stem from jealousy of his meticulously oiled head?

No cocktail party, THANK BABY BLUE IVY.

Let's get right to the eliminating and heart-breaking.

Drew and Kasey are all concernicus about not being able to talk to Des before the the Rose Ceremony, but they'll need to get over it because this is a television dating show and there are RULES and you can't talk to your quasi-girlfriend whenever you want.

James is safe. Kasey and Drew are totally ticked off.

We'll miss you, Mikey T.