I Don't Know How Much Longer I Can Do This: Bachelorette Week 4

I woke up early this morning so I could watch this show on my DVR and get this post out by lunch for you Bachelorette vultures. I'm going to be honest with you all and let you know that I won't be blogging about this show after this season because, frankly, my sanity is at stake. Snaps to all of you who can watch this week after week, season after season. I, however, am weak and can no longer endure the idiocracy forming before my very eyes. This doesn't mean I'll stop blogging. I'm in search of other shows to rip on.

This week Des and her dudes are in Atlantic City, New Jersey.
This week they'll mosey down the boardwalk and hang out on the abandoned carnival grounds- because this was filmed in February. This should be riveting.

Brad's Date

Zak W and Mikey T are somewhat weary about Brad's intentions with Desiree. "He's a nice guy, but he doesn't reveal a lot." Smart move if you ask me, because this is A TELEVISION SHOW DESIGNED FOR ENTERTAINMENT NOT ACTUAL RESULTS.

Des and Brad go on their mini carnival date- in February- while unknowingly being psycho-stalked by some of the other contestants from the hotel suite. Zak W is guilty of staring a little too long out that window, causing his already crazy eyes to bulge further out of his head.

A conversation between Brad and Des is practically non-existant.

Two lobotomized mutes would have a better conversation than those two.

Des makes an intelligent decision and lets go of Brad as soon as they get to the tippy top of the lighthouse. An appropriate altitude to be dumped so he has the long walk down to sea level to think about the sting of rejection.

B-Rad is bumming hard core because he realized he's boring. Tough break, man.

Group Date

Brooks refers to Des as a mystical Unicorn. Is that why you couldn't look her right in the eye when you saw her, Brooks? Are you intimidated by the unicorn magic?

Chris Harrison: Bearer of Embarrassing Group Dates and Heartbreak, fills the guys in on why they're really in Atlantic City.

Mr. America Pageant.

Okay, so it's a Bachelorette version but still, I'm expecting speedos and baton twirling regardless.

I can't tell if Michael 'Betus' G is being hilariously sarcastic when he talks about Mr. America being his dream.

I can definitely tell that Mikey T is NOT kidding when he says he's ready "to put on whatever I need to in order to win this thing."

Zak W wrote a song. He doesn't play an instrument or have any musical ability, but he wrote a song. EVEN BETTER- it's about "the experience."

Why, WHY do we do this to ourselves, America?

Not Host Chris is a little too comfortable in those heels. And they're hideously tacky as well, so that has me extra concerned.

For the talent competition, Brooks will perform a hot oil treatment on his hair, while reciting a poem he wrote entitled Princess Unicorn. Plus, he's got the pageant wave DOWN PAT.

I'm going to address Ben doing a ribbon dance in red capri pants because now it's burned into my brain and will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The post-group-date cocktail parties are a waste of time. Everyone gets drunk and gets mad at Ben.
Except this time Not Host Chris is reading her his journal. 

I think journal implies a 13 year old girl who rides horses, and is obsessed with her mom and it's not what I'm doing.

James' Date

"Hey I have a great idea for a date! Let's go tour the wreckage from a natural disaster."

Depressing. Just depressing.

But tragedy brings them together so...whatever.

I would rather watch this Jersey couple go on a date every week and bicker about how much ricotta to put in the lasagna than watch this show.

Oh wow. Here's a change of pace- A PRIVATE COUNTRY CONCERT.

Rose Ceremony

Bryden may not be feeling it.

Not Host Chris, it's in your best interest to not speak the words "friend-zone."

I feel the clock ticking on Juan Pablo's time in the game. He may have gotten a rose this week but I think Des can't muster up any more middle school spanish to keep them in comunicado.

Zack K gets the axe and chokes back tears in the limo ride to the airport.

NEXT WEEK:

EUROPE.

MUNICH. 

DAS BOOT.