Opening Ceremony Problems

THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE! THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE!

The Summer Games are underway and I am sobbing uncontrollably because I'm not in London. I miss that beautiful city and all it's wonder...I miss the Borough Market grilled cheese even more. The Opening Ceremonies always set the tone for the games and this year, Creative Director Danny Boyle is responsible for the $45 million show. If you're a movie buff like myself, you may know that Danny Boyle directed an Academy Award Winning film a few years ago, so expectations are high. Let's just say this better be as good, if not better than Slumdog Millionaire.

As Bob Costas chats with Tom Brokaw and his recently botoxed face,  I think about how I fully expect the USA to rip sauce during the games and nab all the gold medals, per usual. Bob Costas says the word Stratford and I'm all Wait the Olympic village is in EAST London? Is anyone else worried about Ryan Lochte and his hot bod getting shanked? At this point I really need Bob and Tom to move away from Tower Bridge because the mere sight of it makes me gasp and groan with agony.

Yes. a thousand times, yes. 

Now to Matt Lauer and...Meredith Viera? Hey Mere, I thought you were done with television? Give someone else (Ann Curry) a freaking chance. Paul McCartney is scheduled to perform at the end of the night and I have now peed my pants...without shame.

Ryan Seacrest now dominates three major networks that I watch and I want to do to him whatever they did in Gremlins to make them go away. Ry, you have your midget foot in E!, FOX and now NBC? Who hired you? I would like to kick them in the groin. PS- they asked you to interview the gymnasts because you're all the same height and can bond over the pains of reaching for things on the top shelf and driving with a booster seat. I already don't like Gabby "The Flying Squirrel" Douglas. She thinks she's hot shit because Marta Karyoli gave her a nickname.

The show is starting and people are emerging from a thatched house and...wait...are they hobbits? Am I in The Shire? Pan to Harry, William and Kate/Cate (pick a spelling and go with it). Back to The Shire where the bad guys from Gangs of New York are watching factory towers magically come out of the ground.

Now I'm crying.

Kenneth Branagh AKA Gilderoy Lockhart from HP quotes The Tempest, how British.

Now hordes of people are emerging from the factory towers and they are all dirty and wearing aprons. Am I missing something? Are there supposed to be pitchforks? Is this a scene from Frankenstein? The Top Hat Clan is now doing some type of dancing. Are we stomping the yard or churning butter? The cast of extras in this production is interesting. It probably took that dude three weeks to grow those mutton chops and perfect that mono-brow.

Here comes Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. They hope we will enjoy the show.

Meredith Viera comments: "It looks like they're forging some type of of massive ring, Matt". One ring to rule them all. So...we've left The Shire and have now taken up house in Mordor.

Aside from some confusion, I am entertained yet continuing to bawl my eyes out as those little kids sing across the UK countryside.

"I'm over it"

Wait, is that James Bond 6.0? Hello, Mr. Craig. Sure, casually walk into Buckingham Palace
Sidenote: I want a corgi. The Queen is the baddest bitch in the game and her lack of enthusiasm throughout the night proves how much of a hipster she could be if she lived in Brooklyn. I have to admit that the James Bond bit was actually awesome and Prince Philip is loving every minute of it. And I know what you all were thinking when that helicopter showed up, Oh, great, here's Kalon. 

   The children's choir breaks out the National Anthem- "God Save the Queen", and I want to know- who's the American dick who copies the UK national anthem and changes the words to "Let Freedom Ring"?

To represent the UK's sketchy health care or something like that, a bunch of kids in hospital beds get wheeled out by real doctors and nurses (according to Matt Lauer). Now I feel like I'm watching a Lady Gaga video with all of these hospital beds and nightmarish things roaming the arena.

As I get up to retrieve tissues and buckets to fill with my tears, JK Rowling starts reading something and I'm like HOLY HIPPOGRIFF BATMAN. Now I'm really losing my shit. Wait-is that the child snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Giant Voldemort? A meth-head Captain Hook? Where am I? Where's my mommy?

HAVE NO FEAR SMALL CHILD ACTORS, Marry Poppins is here! But not even Mary Poppins can defeat that giant baby head that is both haunting and slightly reminiscent of Baby Grace from Friday Night Lights.

I have no words for Mr. Bean. For a second in that beach jogging scene I thought that was Michael Fassbender...it wasn't. He looked more like Greg Kinear anyway, disappointing.

Now a transition into the digital age. Very well done, but they lost me with the interchanging real-life and pre-recorded versions of this love story. I mean, It's cute how they are running with giant glo-sticks and it's supposed to be like the London Underground, but in reality the tube isn't teeming with neon and sequin-wearing teenagers, but a lingering foot aroma and strangers who stare just a little too long. 

Cracked-out outfits and dancing is always appreciated

I really enjoyed this digital age part of the show. Good music, crazy costumes, and cracked out dancing that reminds me of nights at Piccadilly Institute. Wayne's World even made a cameo. The British Chris Brown starts breaking it down and all I can think is, Wait where's Adele and her unborn child? But then they start to blast some Muse and all is right with the world again. They even got the guy who invented the Internet! Thank you sir for supporting my procrastination habit.
Cut-to Matt Lauer interviewing Michael Phelps, who suffers from extreme goggle tan and slow-blinking syndrome. It's alright Mike, we still love you.

Parade Of Nations, better known as the "I've never heard of there!"game. Seriously though... these are countries?

These announcers reading off the names of countries/delegations remind me of the two headed thing that announced the pod races in Star Wars Episode One.
Anyone? Anyone? No? Whatever.
I bet you Liz II is just sitting up in her fancy shmancy box thinking... "Look at all these countries that I used to own".

What the hell are Independent Olympic Athletes?

As for you, Israeli athlete with his flag shaved into the side of his head, all I have to say is Oy vey.

People live in Madagascar?

Gold Medalists in Tackiness

Mexico's outfits  are provided by Oriental Trading Magazine and party stores nationwide.

I dig the Netherland's orange pea coats.

I'm appreciating the number of ELO songs being played at this point in the show.

AND HERE COMES THE USA! Every one's looking fab in their berets and blazers thanks to Caroline Scott hollerrrrrrrrrr gurllll.

So chic

Liz doesn't even crack a smile for GB when they start to march. Bee tee dubs, I dig the gold hooded jackets GB, super posh.

Harry looks pissed because it's past his bedtime and his Nanna wouldn't introduce him to James Bond.

I demand more Arctic Monkeys. Can this OC playlist be available on iTunes anytime soon, please? Well done Danny Boyle.

As Arctic Monkeys plays "Come Together", human doves ride bikes up into the sky...when did this become E.T?

As the nations walk into the arena, I have to wonder, what's with the human barriers? This isn't a wicken prayer circle, guys.

Sir Paul McCartney ladies, and gents. Paul segues into a Peter Brady version of "Hey Jude" as everyone cries crocodile tears and I look up airfare to Heathrow.

Did anyone else think it was a tad rude of Sir Paul to leave out all the trannys in the audience when asking everyone to sing along? Just the men, now just the ladies, I can't hear you- do any of you even know the words?

This spectacular show was so magnificent and full of style that I ended up in the corner eating my hair until my parents got home, forcing me to pretend like I wasn't absolutely distraught from the Opening Ceremonies.

And to think that I have to live through two whole weeks of this. PURE. TORTURE.

And The Winner Is...: The Bachelorette FinAHlee problems

"It's me, bitches"

  OH EM GEE GUYS. Emily done snatched herself a man! I'm so happy that this "experience" is over and West Virginia Barbie and Jef With One F and Ricki are able to spend some quality time together at Gymboree. Emily doesn't have to worry about Ricki at Chuckie Cheese anymore, Jef is there to be her play date and frolic in the ball pit until Mommy's teeth bleaching appointment is done!

  It was a long road for these two love birds. Who would have thought the hipster on the skateboard would be the one!These last few episodes have kept me on the edge of seat as Emm-o sent home some prime beefcakes (HOT ASS SEAN) and went with a more vegan selection (JWOF/Arie Saladfingers). She's shot birds, swam with dolphins, and been serenaded by Miss Dolly Parton herself all while being orally assaulted by Arie's tongue and freakishly large talons. Kudos, Em.

  The night started off with meeting the parents. At this point in the show, Devon admits that Emily's dad is kinda cute and that his coral button-down is working for him...in a BIG way. JWOF is the first up to bat and knocks it out of the (little league) park when he poetically professes his love for Emily. Does anyone else think JWOF's responses are Hallmark card worthy? After gushing over Solamente Efe Jef, Emily's family has seemed to put this first dude on a pedestal. I am almost led to believe that Mr. Maynard may take Arie down to China Town if he doesn't match up to his new future grandson son-in-law.

In between fixing her extensions and pronouncing "finale" wrong,
Em and Chris enjoy some selfies backstage. 

  Emily's brother, Ernie, obviously struggles with being on camera and makes us all feel uncomfortable enough to wish that Arie would just get there already and mack on Emily... yeah, THAT uncomfortable. Arie waltzes up to Ems looking more jaundice than ever. It's like he was slapped in the face with buttercup blossoms or developed severe anemia since embarking on this journey for love and free vacations. He then proceeds to caress her face with his frisbee hands and swaddle her face with his tongue. Ew. It is at this time that I realize I dislike this pair together because I can't stand to see something that yellow in the face get with something that yellow in the hair...and his mom would corrupt Ricki and get her to wear sequined bras and tacky fabrics.

  This is the most airtime Little Ricki has gotten the entire season. This kid is so happy to be around her mom and new best friend, JWOF- she's feeling like Glen Coco during Christmas. I just feel bad that Ricki's gram and gramps refer to her as "Little Ricki"... can I get a "BABALOOOOOOOOOOOO!"...? Aside from the nick name, LR struggled walking the cobblestones of "beautiful" Curacao with Mommy and line-leader Jef in those kitten-heeled wedges.
When the kid runs out to greet the newly engaged couple, my mother boldly says, "SHE HAS BREASTS". LR needs a training bra Ems, lend her the one you used before the uni-boob surgery...or make sure her cotton tops are a dark grey and more opaque.

"I mustache you to explain yourself, Emily"

  By far the most emotional part of the entire show was Emily having to say goodbye to Arie. The super-not-so-secret meeting with Chris Harrison exterminated any building anxiety I had about the end of the show and replaced it with pure excitement for her crushing his frying-pan heart. Is that a little mean? Whatever, he'll have women throwing themselves in front of his drag racer and offering to take his mother shopping the second he gets off the plane in Scottsdale. We find Arie in the strange, bad ju-ju filled bog where he concocts a love-potion (which he clearly is going to be needing) like a voodoo child. Emily can't pull herself together and starts to ugly cry-right there in the backwoods of a dodgy Caribbean island- to a point where Arie is awkwardly consoling her not aware that she is about to rip his heart out of his jaundice body and stomp on it. It'll be hard to stomp in that too-skinny maxi dress Ems, you're not Morticia Addams. In a nutshell, Emily cries, Arie cries, Arie gets pissed, walks away, Emily (in HOT ASS SEAN fashion) runs after and tries to explain herself while Arie struggles to accept that he got beat by a twelve year-old.

  I can't even touch upon the proposal scene. Too mushy, too scripted, too many pots without plants in them. I mean, Ben proposed to Courtney on top of a freaking MOUNTAIN. Ashley and JP got a gorgeous wharf scenery on the shores of Figi, and JWOF gets the back lot of a Lowes flower department? Lame.

After the Final Rose was weak. Arie and Emily were extremely civil and I was looking for a chair to be thrown or, HOW ABOUT THAT JOURNAL? Doesn't ABC know the first rule of AFR? "The best way to spread Bachelorette cheer is reading private journals aloud for all to hear" DUH.

  Anyway, Congrats Emmy-poo and Jef With One F and A Fiance and a Seven Year Old Play Date!!!
  JWOFaAFaaSYOPD? We'll stick with the first one.

 Now who will be the next Bachelor? Arie? Doug? HOT ASS SEAN? Chris Harrison? Can they let Brad Womack back for round three? We'll see in January I guess. Until then, we have Bachelor Pad and Jef's twitter to keep us entertained.

PLEASE. 

The Men Tell All Ordeal: Bachelorette Problems

  Before I start this post, I must share this with all of you: (note the instagram filter and teenage girl kissy face)

Jef tweets: "Driving my buddy back to the airport...he got deported today."

The Men Tell All. Where all of our favorite and least favorite contestants get together in a small studio space in LA, bitch about Emily and the heartache that they basically set themselves up for. BECAUSE IT IS A TELEVISION SHOW. There were so many great moments from last night's episode. Let's remember some of them...shall we?

1. Chris Harrison's inability to say "finale" in a a normal- unpretentious manner- ie: Fin-AH-lee

2. Kalon's generously applied lip gloss

3. Psycho Chris' rage face when Ryan out-douched him and called him a whiny baby

4. Alessandro wearing jeans...as if to say "This is a compromise for nice slacks and a button-down".

5. Tony running up to Emily to give her an ass-out hug and being the only one to do so. 

6. Sean got a tan and botox to minimize the army of sweat glands that took residence in his face. 

7. The transformation of Ryan's D-bag beard- please refer to the progression of images and descriptions provided below. 

 Here we see Ryan without any facial hair. He kinda looks like a decent guy if he learned to comb/flatten the top of his hair. But then again, he may believe that Emily may still love him, but not love ON him as much with a new 'do.

"Bitch stole my look!"

Now Ryan is starting to look like the game-maker from the Hunger Games...in a not good way. Also, I'm pretty sure tank tops like that only look good on Bruce Willis. And only if it's Bruce Willis as Corbin Dallas in the Fifth Element. Was that too many references for you all? GET ON MY LEVEL. 

Multi-pass

Ryan's beard is now entering potentially dangerous Joaquin Phoenix territory.

"How can she be so obtuse?"

  8. Devon has pointed out how Jef With One F resembles Tim Robbins in Shawshank Redemption. Is it the hair? Yes. Yes it is the hair. The only exception with this connection is that Andy Dufrense helped convicts learn to read and do their taxes...and JWOF is still on reading level 3 and has to help Emily floss her huge horse teeth. But my main concern for next week is what will happen if Emily picks Ari over Jef, age 12 and 3/4?


9. Emily calling Kalon out for being a total ass-face and having an incredibly poor sense of humor. "I'm incredibly flattered that you follow me on twitter, but you still have Chiclet teeth and your daughter should have been named Samsonite". 

10. The Bachelor Pad promos. Chris gets with three emotionally distraught women who will hopefully cause everyone to contract some type of venereal disease and go home. This way, Chris Harrison can run off with those two blonde twins and start his own show where he will skeet shoot all of the framed pictures of past contenders with a rifle he fondly named "Courtney". 

Next week the finAHlee is on SUNDAY. NOT MONDAY. The television gods have saved my birthday and rid it of all ABC evil and instead pushed it to the night before. THANK GOD. But now I have to DVR two things at once. #marnieproblems

ps- I'm now following Baby Jef on twitter. @jefholm get at me @shesarangasir

Final Three Problems: The Bachelorette

   Aside from hometown dates, the final three is my favorite. This episode kicks off with an overview of Emily and her "journey through this experience" (It's a television show... admit it). This means that we, as viewers, get to enjoy (ONCE AGAIN) some awksauce HOT ASS SEAN smiling and wiping the sweat from his squinty eyes, Arie assaulting Emily's entire face with his mouth, and Jef learning to read and express emotion through puppetry. This of course is also the episode where the "Fantasy Suite" card can get played, so everyone's hoping for some action.

HOT ASS SEAN's Date

She is bat-shit crazy if she doesn't get all up in this.

      I noticed if you look at pictures of Sean from each episode since el numero uno, his face becomes redder, sweatier, and squinty...while his abs remain comparable with those of Greek Gods. H-A-S is at this point, my favorite contestant. He flubs a little when mentioning his three year-long relationship with another woman/his mirror and claiming how in love he was, while Ems squirms and makes that face that says "Start paying attention to me and my obviously fake boobs or I'll go find Arie and suck his face off". The date gets slightly less awkward as the two frolic in the ocean, even though Sean has to get out and reapply his SPF 100+ sunscreen every 20 minutes.
       The evening part of the date gets incredibly sappy, per usual, and Sean reads a letter he wrote to Ricki that is supposed to make Emily jump his bones, skipping the invitation to the Fantasy Suite all together. Emily offers the key to H-A-S, but they decide to just "hang out all night" instead of getting buck wild. Whatever. Emily states that she doesn't need three more hours to figure out how she feels, and I breathe a sigh of relief thinking my boy is in the clear, even though he didn't get any ass.


BABY'S DAY OUT
     Jef With One F must have been so psyched to get out on a boogie board and collect crabs on the beach! Oh wait... he has to hang out with West Virginia Barbie too. His hair, I must admit, is fascinating. Such body, such a quaffed quality that Arie is so obviously trying to imitate. JWOF and WV Barbs cuddle and snuggle and have serious discussions, all led by Jef. His guidance counselor must have suggested that he practice his critical thinking before the fall PSATs, so he shot Emily some important questions about her relationship with previous men, Ricki, and her stance on Team Edward or Jacob.

"I'll spin dis bitch a plate...bitches love plates".

     What caught my attention the most from this date, was how Jef so blatantly stated that he has to like Ricki in order for him and Barbs to go get their Anywhere-in-the-USA-to-start-a-new-life-together-even-if-it's-in-the-middle-of-Death-Valley-and-all-we-have-is-each other- and-a-few-sisterwives Dream House. So basically Jef's all: "If I like, don't like Ricki, like, she's a total dick or something, I don't think this whole thing can like, happen". Wise words from the child bride.
    The evening part of the date had me sitting on the edge of my seat when Emily asked the kid to the Fantasy Suite and he actually acknowledged that THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW AND PEOPLE WILL SEE WHAT THEY DO OR DO NOT DO IN THAT FANTASY SUITE. So he takes the sensible choice and he and Emily "hang out" for the night instead of swiping his V-card. Two things can be assumed by his choice... 1) He's only 16 and the age of consent in Curacao is unclear to both him and the ABC producers who promised him an Xbox to be on the show, so they can't take any chances. 2) Jef With One F may actually have two F's in his first name, and the truth would hurt Emily too much during this time of extreme vulnerability...oh and he's gaga for sausage.

ARIE AND HIS HUGE HANDS/FEET

No. Just...no. 

    Oh, Arie. Your large salad bowl hands and baby sea-lion feet have officially skeeved me out beyond belief. I know what they say about big feet and hands but I don't think Emily needs to deal with ordering you specialty size shoes on Zappos into your old age, or the huge ego that must come with such endowments. All Meaghan and I could notice during your date was Arie's talons hooked into the netting of the boat after swimming/annoying the dolphins. Apparently Emily believes that Arie's lack of fear around sea mammals means he'll be a good Dad to her exploited child. Nothing says good potential parenting like the ability to telekinetically communicate with Flipper.
     These two are in the perfect environment because they are surrounded by aquatic life and Arie loves to mack on Emily, fish face style, to the point where she is so overcome with his "hotness" that she can't even offer him the key to the Fantasy Suite because she will lose her mind and do some sick and twisted Fifty Shades of Grey shit.

THE ROSE

Yep...this face.

      I am sad to say this is the moment where I exclaim to my family and friends that this is the most nervous I have been in a while. realizing what I have just said, I eat a Hershey bar and get a grip on reality as Emily watches "private, personal" videos made by the men...that are being nationally televised and were scripted/edited the shit out of. She has no emotion, unless a hybrid look of constipation and confusion is supposed to tell us anything about the situation at hand. I get increasingly anxious of the fate of H-A-S and JWOF (as much as I make fun of him, he is quite adorable) and pray to the Network television gods that Arie and his Yao Ming hands are the next to crawl into the big black SUV and ugly cry all the way back to Scottsdale and his Von-Bitch mother.
     Baby Jef gets the first rose... the music escalates...the men look nervous, Sean is obviously sweating, and Arie's skin is making a familiar transformation back to the pigment of lemon... I try to squeal but no sound comes out... only horror and heartbreak when poor HOT ASS SEAN gets sent home and Holland-death-grip-on-Boats, Arie smugly receives the final rose.
    I can't make fun of Sean and Emily's post-rose chat before he gets into the infamous black SUV. It was very sad and you could tell he really loved her...and she kinda loved him- but obviously loved the fact that Jef is a potential play date/step-dad for Ricki and the possibility of Arie having a Kielbasa hidden in his chinos the other men more.

    Chris Harrison realizes how stupid his job is and looks into Dancing With The Stars to confirm the fatality of his career after this season.

    The Men Tell All is next week and all I can really hope from this episode is some much anticipated Tony-Doug Daddy bonding time and Kalon repeatedly applying chap stick as DJ Stevie tries to teach everyone how to Dougie.

Hometown Date Problems: The Bachelorette

Good news, everyone! Emily and the men have returned to Amurrica! Bad news, everyone! We have to sit through Emily "feeling intimidated" by Jef With One F's sisterwives, Arie's sequin-studded-bra-strap-wearing mother, Chris' violent head movements and Sean trying to sneak his tongue into and/or around Emily's porcelain-veneered mouth- It's like she's wearing a friggin' flipper...this isn't Toddlers and Tiaras, Emmy poo.

"On a scale from zero to Polish, I'm batshit crazy"

Chicago: 

Let's see how many things the production crew can find that say CHICAGO on them and pan to those as Chris stands behind Emily while sweating profusely and breathing heavily. His neck practically unhinges itself as he professes his love to her AGAIN and shows her some rando Polish restaurant that conveniently is empty. Is it me or are they always drinking really diluted wines and not eating on this show... like, ever. Of all the places to eat in Chicago, you take her to an empty Polish restaurant and don't even order pierogies...

Let's cheers to meeting my family, who is Polish, if I didn't make that apparent, and getting hammered before doing so. 

Utah: 

Deuces to all my LDS brothers and sisters

Jef With One F has brought Emily to the compound family ranch. Jef With One F's letter-neglecting parents unfortunately are off doing "charity work" and can't meet Emily at this time- but his brother and his wife, and his other-other wife, and his other-other-other wife and their baseball team of children are there to judge Emily after she casually shoots some clay pigeons before meeting a family that toasts with lemonade. TOASTS WITH LEMONADE. Are we getting it? Please also note how none of 

J-W-O-F's (abreevs are great) sisters wore tops that showed their shoulders or clavicles, while Emily looked down right whore-ish in her knee-revealing sundress with spaghetti straps. 

Jef With One F thinks Emily looks hot with a gun...is she still that hot when she takes her teeth out at night? Who knows. 

Emily is obviously losing her mind over J-W-O-F and his Jimmy Neutron hairdo and he wrote a really cute note thing for her that didn't have any mentions of nail polish or Chloe bags- leaving this viewer to remain confused about his sexuality. 

He must have been so excited to be able to take Em out in that dune buggy thing- just got his permit!

Arizona:

"If you don't speak Dutch, then fuck you"

Arie's face no longer shows signs of yellow pigment but his hands are still the size of frying pans. So funny thing about Arie is...his dad is this like, super famous Indy racer from Holland and is super loaded and it also turns out, Ricki's father's family owns one of the largest racing companies in the world or something and they have buttloads of money that they are dishing out to Emily, but they aren't to happy with her right now because she's running around the world sucking face with another race car driving legacy. Looks like Emmy's got a type... fast and loaded. Did Arie's mom give anyone else the heebie jeebies? Her frock kept falling off her shoulder as she was shit-talking in Dutch (right in front of Emily) and you could blatantly see her tan-sequined bra trying to make an escape from that heinous turquoise top she found in the juniors section of the Scottsdale Macys. 

Texas: 

We FINALLY get to HOT ASS SEAN and his Texas McMansion. It's his parent's house but it's still huge and has a freaking fairytale-tea garden-dream house in the back for his pretentiously named niece, Kensington (and her equally pretentiously named brother, Smith). I was personally excited when Sean revealed that he still lived at home and was going to show Emily his room. "This is my Cheryl Tiegs poster...". But it was SO much better. The naming of the stuffed animals had me basically ready to punch a baby because H-A-S (abreevs again!) was severely making me doubt his hotness as the camera panned over the cookie crumbs and dirty socks that had exploded in this room. A sigh of relief followed when Sean revealed it was all a joke and he didn't live at home. Emily was all "LOL smiley face there's stuffies all over, you're just like Ricki, holy freaking crap get me out of here before this fake smiling breaks a veneer". And then of course Sean does some more lustful running after Emily per usual and goes in for one last kiss-WITH TONGUE- to seal the deal, #classy. 

"I still live at home"..."I still think you're a beefcake"

Rose Ceremony: 

Arie is upper-lip sweating more than normal and Chris is ready to jump off a cliff. Sean is sunburnt? No, his hair just makes him look more red than normal (still hot though), while solamente efe Jef buzzes the sides of his head some more to get a crop circle effect that the chicks at Urban Outfitters find really trendy. Emily has big Texas hair tonight - I sensed a Bump-it?- while Chris Harrison is straightening up the framed pictures of the dudes, because that's all he's good for on the show these days. Emily talks for a while about how hard it is for her to make this decision and how bad she will feel about the family she met that will now obviously loathe her entirely. Woody makes a prediction which he shares with me, my mom, and Devon "I know who's going home... I feel it in my heart, I know who it has to be", that's deep, Dad. When Emily says Sean's name and Chris contemplates drowning himself in the Chateau fountain, we all scream with joy because the Woodman's heart was right and #psychokiller Chris is outta here- but not without being a total bitch to Emily and trying so hard not to ugly cry. I expected the ugly cry the second the door to the limo was shut, or slammed, but Chris held it together...until he started going off at the camera and praying for a Freaky Friday switch with one of the remaining victims men. 

So now we have a quandary. HOT ASS SEAN, Jef With One F, and Less Attractive John Travolta/Zach Braff are the remaining lovers (I'm incredibly disgusted I used that word... I only really condone it's usage when between the words "meat" and "pizza") In true Bachelorette fashion, these gents get to go to some Caribbean Island I have never heard of. Have fun in paradise boys, one of you is going home but all three of you are definitely getting some ass... depending on if Emily brings back the donkeys from the Croatian Highland games. 

ABC Family Problems

Dear ABC Family,
    Why do you suck so much? Why did you stop showing reruns of Gilmore Girls and Boy Meets World? Why do you keep trying to make your own original shows that no one wants to watch...but we can't help but watch?

WHY did this show get cancelled...and these others stayed...

 Let's review:

Secret Life of the American (alternative universe) Teenager

Praying for better writers and acting coaches

Band geek,Amy, gets pregnant by the bad boy, Ricky, who is a sexually abused foster child, who is ALSO hooking up with a girl with daddy issues, who ends up befriending a Christ Crusader, whose mom used to be married to the pregnant girl's dad, who is now married to Molly Ringwald. There's also  at least one character who fulfills every race, stereotype, and imaginable demographic. What is the angle here? Bad actors+ bad storylines + openly (and awkwardly) talking about sex with every person in a scene = Buttloads of viewers and ratings. I honestly don't get it. The plot is ridiculous and the characters are annoying and I don't know WHAT is wrong with the pregnant girl's sister's voice...is she a tranny? I stopped watching Preggers -as so many of us fondly call it- about halfway through the first season and haven't watched a minute since. Apparently, now Amy has a kid, is marrying previously mentioned bad boy, Jesus Freak lost her v-card, daddy issues girl is pregs too, wants to marry the sausage king of Chicago where ever the hell they live, and Molly Ringwald now prefers tacos to hotdogs (if ya know what I'm sayin').
It's a trainwreck, it's awful, but you can't look away.

Pretty Little Liars

A mullet, or ANYTHING  is better than this. 

Is it just me or does Rosewood, PA never experience winter...just a shit-ton of creepy stuff. Spencer is kind of a bitch with really good clothes. Aria is a trendy freak with an old dude fetish. Hanna is a former clepto with a boyfriend who basically has Bachelor #benshairproblems. Emily likes the taco and got shitfaced on the daily while building huts in Haiti. This is an exceptional group of young ladies being stalked by a group of sociopaths who like the color red too much. Mona's in the nuthouse, Lucas is playing World of Warcraft, Aria's brother lives in the closet and her dad, Rob Lowe's less attractive and talented brother schtooped the psycho killer from One Tree Hill/ Jodie Sawyer from Center Stage. I don't even know how they found a Mariska Hargitay twinsy to play Spencer's butch mom.

Did anyone else think that Nanny Carrie/the doctor from Vampire Diaries/ bitch-face Melissa had her baby and gave it to like, ninjas or something to be raised as a future A-teamer?
Just me?
Whatever.

Jane By Design/Nine Lives of Chloe King/Switched at Birth
No. Just... no.

Lying Game
Wait so it's the same person who did PLL? There are twins? There are lies? Everyone is pretty? They live in a wealthy suburb? Run out of ideas Sara Shepard? I do like this show more than most ABC Fam atrocities, but when they bring David Wallace (ex-CEO of Dunder Mifflin) and the sketchy brother from Heroes into the cast, I doubt my loyalties to Sutton Mercer/Emma Becker's stealthy lives. Sidenote: anyone notice how the-not-deaf-girl from Switched at Birth's ex-boyfriendo is Sutton/Emma's bad boy lover, Ethan? He was also evil-English lad, Oscar on 90210...fun fact: he's from Atlanta.

Bunheads
I didn't think that something written and produced by the genius who wrote and produced Gilmore Girls could suck so much. If you want viewers...and to actually make a believable and acceptable storyline, here are some tips:
1. Don't cast a girl who looks like she's pushing 38 to play a YOUNG Vegas showgirl/dancer.
2. Don't make Kelly Bishop's character "Emily Gilmore reincarnated/with weird decorating taste"
3. You can't kill off Alan Ruck AKA Cameron Frye in the first episode. You just can't.

I feel ya, buddy. 

 Basically ABC Fam, step up your game. I will be keeping my judgemental eye on these shows... because I simply can't NOT watch them.

Bachelorette Problems

One of 9876545678 selfies taken

   Now I'm going to level with everyone. I do not, by any means, intend to enjoy the Bachelorette/Bachelor before each season. But somehow, every time, I end up hopelessly devoted to the show- even if it makes me want to jump off the back of Titanic, Rose style. I really should place some blame on my mother and my friends for dragging me back to the well. Every season of this show starts with me, Kelley Anne, MEAGHAN and Devon (and sometimes Kyle) discussing who the next loser looking for love is. We hold a "weekly  meeting" where we gather 'round ye old HD TV and make fun of/root for the "contestants".  Last week was rough for me, the fistfull of assholes ventured to London, so naturally I am a sobbing mess because America is boring and I'd much rather be silently stalking Prince Harry and eating Snog than vicariously living through Sean as he takes endless selfies in front of Buckingham Palace. 

  This season holds a special place in my short attention span for the bluntness and overall interrogation style-approach that the Bachelorette, Emily, has adopted. I admire her calling out everyone on their shit...Ryan with his overall douche-baggery, Alessandro and his lack of Muzzy/Hooked on Phonics application with the word 'compromise', and let's not forget dear Kalon and his love for Lip Smackers and child shaped luggage. 

   On the whirlwind that is Emily's polygamist romance with 6 dudes, this week the sad bitch chose to venture to Croatia. I feel bad for her sometimes, because she's had two failed engagements and wears her PJ's out in public...but mostly because she kept DJ Stevie around for so long. 

SO- back to Croatia. Emily took Egg Man Travis on a one-on-one date around the city of Dvkbjsoduisghsdajkg, Croatia (the land of no vowels). They strolled around the streets and Travis squeaked out overly-positive responses to Emily and her nasty ass pistachio gelato as he slobbered all over it. That must have been when Emily realized he was more of a half-retarded puppy than he was a potential husband. She pulled the "no spark" card and crestfallen Travis ugly cried on camera and shame-peed in the corner before moseying back to Mississippi on one of the donkeys that Jon AKA "Wolf" sexually abused before the not-so-Croatian Highland Games. 

"Don't break eye contact on me, dude"

  The group date was sad, yet hilarious. Jef with one F (age 12 and minus one finger), made his hair do that flippy thing he likes, like he saw that guy in that band do one time. Doug and Chris looked like they were about to explosively shit all over each other while playing tug of war the wrong way, while Hot Ass Sean exceeded in all events and literally broke a 12 foot log with sheer strength and hair bleach. 

  Let us not forget what brought the men to these games, Wolf-raped donkeys and the completely age-appropriate Pixar film, Brave. How many times can you guys plug the movie in five minutes? The limit does not exist. Jef with one F was all "I like,relate to the movie, Brave, like,because that little girl was in danger of like, being a child-bride and like...so am I". 

  Way to completely mess with our minds about who you wanted to haster lavister this week, Emily. Wolf whipped out real, raw, emotions after hiding behind el burro all week so I get why you had to keep him around but toying with the audience about losing our precious, dear Seattle Daddy Dougie is just cruel. Good news though, Doug will see another day, as long as he learns to hug in non-awkward ways and not cry...like, ever again. 

  Oh HOW could I forget Speed Racer and Ugly Zach Braff Arie's petty attempt to get some action but "checking in on Emily" after she let go of Ryan. Is it me or does he always look a little jaundice in the whole facial area?  Que ev-ver Arie, we know you go back to Talladega once Emily finds out you schtooped a producer on the show. That is SO I Wanna Marry Ryan Banks.

Chris Harrison is lacing all supplemental roses with various strains of smallpox to make this season end ASAP.