Tropic Thunder Thighs: A Tale Of Sean And Whoever Is Left

This week we travel to Thailand. I know what some of you are thinking. "Why Thailand?" "Sean doesn't talk Thai."

Oh no, America. Sean talk Thai. Sean talk Thai very well.

If Sean is looking for someone weird, nerdy, and goofy then he can date Zooey Deschanel. Or me.
Not Catherine.

Does anyone else feel like Ash Capital L ee gushes over Sean just a little too much?
"Tell me what it's like in Dallas, Sean. Do people just...fawn over you?"

Lindsay's Date
I love the referencing to Lindsay and her loopy wedding dress. Sean admits that he almost sent her home on the first night out of sheer fear that she was the bad kind of crazy. I know I've said it before, but her inner Gloria is showing.

"I just arrived at this fine-ass hotel in Thailand that I'm getting paid to mention. It's time to get weird."-  Sean

So I guess the lesson we learn here with Lindsay is "Have wedding dress and ignorance about other cultures, will receive rose and access to Sean's abdominals."

Okay wait, they're actually really cute and I want them to be together forever and ever or until one of them cheats on the other and it's publicised within the year.

Okay I said it let's move on to little monkeys.

CHEESE AND RICE YOU GUYS HE SAID HE WANTS TO MARRY THIS GIRL. HE WANTS TO MARRY HER.

He better stick with this idea.

But she's going to have to tell him that she loves him ASAP before we get a Lesley M situation going again.

I've had enough of reading these tweets at the bottom of the screen. If I wanted to read your not funny or remotely witty social media jibber jabber I would follow you for four to five hours before wanting to move on with my life. Where are the edgy, border-line inappropriate tweets? Jason Biggs cranks those things out like he's an insult machine.

Oh the Come Hither Key. Up to the Fantasy Suite they go.
No interruptions.
No distractions.
Just a team of cameras and producers watching you make out.

Finally, she drops the L bomb and participants of Bachelor Drinking Games across the nation throw back a shot.

AshLee's Date

How many times do we need to hear AshLee refer to Sean as the love of her life when all he's said to any of the women is how much he likes them.

Seriously, this is like 5th grade. " I don't like like you, I just like you."

Here is where Sean is testing the waters with AshLee- pun intended.

Sweet Baby Jesus again with the abandonment plight, and now a full-on freakout in an underwater cave.

"I want my future wife to be able to let go and trust me as I lead her down a scary dark cave where there could be eels and various forms of bacteria that could give us both parasites and viruses and oh yeah I don't really know what I'm doing down here at all." -Sean.

Let's be honest, this is his car. 

Sean is a fan of the tushy. He's always grabbing it regardless of where he is and who he's around.

So essentially, AshLee you love Sean but you're mad at him because he's dating two other women ON THIS DATING GAME SHOW. Right, that makes perfect sense. I totally get it and your emotions are valid.

You don't need to worry about that over night date card though, Ash, our boy is a born-again virgin so you're just in for an intense conversation and maybe some heavy petting. Okay, definitely some heavy petting.

I just got a text from Woody: "Do you think AshLee is ovulating? I think he sprayed pheromones on the couch."

And you all wonder where I get it from...

Catherine's Date

Is that one of the ships from Pirates of the Caribbean 3? Clearly I have never been to Singapore  Thailand.

I can literally count the number of times Catherine has made eye contact with this dude longer than 3 seconds on one hand. Is there such a thing as Retinal Ritalin?

That weather looks ridiculous. I'm not liking what I'm seeing out there. I hope Catherine has an umbrella to cover her and all of her emotional baggage. God knows they don't make ones big enough for AshLee and all her abandonment issues.

Another text from The Woodman: "I just mentioned Sean's upper body definition to Mom and she just low groaned 'oh my god' like somebody just handed her a Pottery Barn shopping spree."

Catherine willingly admits to her weirdness, along with her dire need for a child within the next 5 years.

Sounds about right. Know a guy for a few weeks, get married, pop out a little nugget and name it after Chris Harrison.

...

WAIT HE WANTS TO MARRY HER TOO?

YOU AREN'T JEF WITH ONE F, SEAN. THIS ISN'T BIG LOVE. IT GOT CANCELLED FOR A REASON. And that reason was Chloe Sevigny's sex tape reappearing and the complete lack of Jeanne Tripplehorn's femininity.

I mentioned it a few weeks ago and it's more apparent now than ever, Catherine wants the D.

She wants it BAD.

Rose Ceremony

HE'S IN LOVE!

And it better be with Lindsay.

Sean looks so unbelievably guilty while watching AshLee's video it's all I can do to bury my head into my pillow and scream with glee. That's what you get for bringing up your sad childhood every five minutes and wearing that dress that makes you look like you're asking for it. Because...well.. you're asking for it.

just...try everything. 

He's got a tough decision to make.
Will Sean turn to Buddha for guidance?
A Magic 8 Ball perhaps?

The suspense is killing me. Or at least pressing on my bladder because I haven't taken a break from blogging since the first commercial.

AshLee will most likely organize her way into a mental breakdown on the flight home.

AshLee is going out like a prissy little bitch.

"She didn't even say goodbye to us!" cries Catherine as she grips her rose and laughs internally.

I guess she can just add this to her baby hippo-sized duffle bag of issues.

Things can only get worse for her if they make her fly back in coach.




NEXT TIME

The Women Tell All.
Put on your big girl pants.
I'm going to get nasty and sarcastic.