Ding Dong The Witch Is Flying Coach Back to Her Home On Whore Island

What has two thumbs and quads that could crush a Buick? This guy. 

I really should be studying for my Art History exam tomorrow but I just HAD to take a break and watch this week's episode. I wonder what crazy thing Tierra will do this week. I wonder what crazy group date Sean will make up. I wonder what my brain cell count will be after watching this show.

As I pop an Aleve because I'm still sore from shoveling the snow off of my driveway this weekend, Sean and the ladies arrive in the tropical paradise that is St. Croix.

How nice for them.

AshLee's Date:

AshLee, I'm really getting tired of your crying and adoption/abandonment story and most importantly, having to capitalize that L in your name. It really messes up my flow.

Lesley is talking about putting Tierra's rollaway cot into the middle of the ocean. Someone has obviously seen Parent Trap.

AshLee and Sean's date is a little boring, am I right? If I wanted to see people make out on a beach I'd go rent a real love story like The Notebook and eat my feelings.

"We have Hometown Dates coming up." is the equivalent of "Oh SAT's are next week." Better get workin'.

I feel like it was yesterday when Creepy Chris took Emily to meet his Polish family, Arie spoke dutch for too long and made her feel uncomfortable, Jef introduced her to his sisterwives and Sean displayed his teenage boy room.

Tierra: "I'm just really nervous about the sweatiness and the bugs and my makeup dripping off."

Its official. Tierra is the Wicked Witch of the West. She's afraid of melting.

"So you were a married high school junior?" What is this, One Tree Hill? Forget Tutor Girl, AshLee is Organizer Girl.

This whole screaming on the beach at night thing is making me uncomfortable. Mainly because I'm getting strong flashbacks to those "I LOVE THIS WOMAN" commercials. What were those even for? Someone Google that for me.

This is the moment of truth, Sean. Is Tierra the love of your life? Or is she two breakdowns away from reaching Gloria From Wedding Crashers Status?

I keep forgetting Lindsay is there. It seems like she really only makes an impression at cocktail parties when there's free booze and someone to ogle.

Tierra starts running her mouth about the female bonding time in the house and we have got ourselves a classic case of She Said/ 'That Bitch Said WHAT?!'

Tierra, control your eyebrows.

I want to know who Lesley is politically consulting for. I never even looked at her occupation until now. I was too fixated on her sloping hair part.

GROUP DATE:

Sean wakes these ladies up at the ass crack of dawn for their group date. WITH POLAROIDS. This man is a beautiful,beautiful genius. He's just a little too chipper at 4 AM for me.

I'm with you, Lindsay. I'd forget to shave my armpits too.

Aw, it's a sunrise date. As beautiful as that may be, the view of the inside of my eyelids is way prettier.

Cheers to 5 AM mimosas!

Okay, Lindsay. You are the Arie of the group. It's his face, not a melting ice cream cone.

who could blame her though

Catherine continues to lay it on thick every chance she gets. She also is a 5 year old when it comes to dolphins.

Can I just point out that my Fantasy League pick just got the FIRST HOMETOWN DATE ROSE. Where's Casey Frobey? Hey Case- we done good buddy boy.

I would LOVE to see Lesley profess her love to Sean and have him just cut her off.

But she pussied out so, whatever.

I'm not going to address the cat fight or Tierra's traumatizing tears. That's too much alliteration and I will not stand for it.

I will bring this to everyone's attention though: "MEN LOVE ME"

On a serious note I would like to sincerely thank YOU, Sean's sister, for signing him up for this show and letting us all drool over his Herculean body.

Can it just be the Rose Ceremony now? I have about 40 slides of Renaissance art to get through and they are all of the Virgin Mary in a church so this needs to move along, pronto.

There are honestly no words to express my utter joy and relief that Tierra got the boot, only One Direction happy dancing gifs. Enjoy.

ROSE CEREMONY:

WAIT-no cocktail party.
WAIT-someone else is still going home.
WAIT-I've lost all of my dignity.

So he's sending Lesley home but Catherine feels that they have a stronger connection than she does?
Speak up next time, girl. Just because her hair is sloping to one hemisphere of her head doesn't mean she is a total weirdo.

NEXT WEEK:

I'm just as excited for hometown dates as the contestants are. I want to see who is responsible for spawning some of these people- except for AshLee of course because she was abandoned as a child if no one already knew that. 

see you losers next week