Four Hours of My Life That I Will Never Get Back: Part 1

So am I supposed to accept that there are TWO nights of the Bachelor this week?

Could someone PLEASE have the decency to punch me in the face?

NIGHT ONE. 
All of the women seem super excited to be venturing to Montana.

No one has ever been that excited to be in Montana.

Not even Montana is that excited to be in Montana.

Daniella: "I get to see my boyfriend!"

Is that what you call a guy you've only spent a total of 45 minutes with?

If that's the case, then I'm dating the 75 year old man who helps me at the self checkout at Stop & Shop because machines hate me and I never put my debit card in the right way.

Lindsay's Date

Inebriated Substitute Teacher Lindsay. My Fantasy League pick is (at a glacial pace) climbing that ladder of Televised Dating Stardom. Snaps for you Linds, way to go.

Sean likes Lindsay because she's not high maintenance. Well, that and her huge boobs.

Lindsay is too drunk to know how she got there, but she nabs the rose and some mackin'.

Sean: "I might have one more surprise left for you"

Lindsay's reaction to not even knowing what the surprise is yet. 

How many obscure country acts do we have to endure while watching this freaking show?

I'm sure putting them on that platform above the rest of the crowd makes them both feel super casual and not like they're on a dating game show at all.

GROUP DATE

I spy goats.

Oh this is going to be sweeeeeeeeet.

How is Sarah going to milk a goat with one arm? No offense, but it's true.

Prior to the competition beginning, the ladies play a nice round of Pass the Flannel and contemplate goat milking sabotage.

The Canoes.

Why did it have to be canoes?

This reminds me of that time that Kelley Anne and I kayaked on Lake Union and I pretended to paddle but didn't really paddle...like, at all.

Sorry, KA. 

This is so exciting IT FEELS LIKE SURVIVOR.

Chris Harrison must be hanging out with Jeff Probst because he is killing it at the play by play announcing.

CH: Blue Team is stuck in the river bank, Red Team is also stuck in the river bank. I hate my job and my life. Are there any openings at Bravo? Does anyone have Andy Cohen's number?

Desiree will chug anything for some time with Sean. RED FLAG

Desiree milked the bajeezus out of that goat. RED FLAG

Desiree may have been (definitely was) a gentleman's entertainer at some point in her life. FLAMING RED FREAKIN' FLAG BRO.

Sean invites the losing team back to the party because he is such a nice boy. Some of the girls don't like this. Tough cookies. Robyn, calm your tits. The vein in your forehead is popping out

Tierra, you grosky little beyotch, if you don't slow your roll with this manic obsessiveness Sean will most definitely be sending you home on the 2-on-1 date. But by all means, keep it up. I for sure would rather have forgettable Jackie than a maniacal wench like yourself.

"I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you."

Correction, ABC flew you out here and paid you to be here to spend time with him.

Sean's problem is that he is in love with everyone. And everyone is in love with him.

Excuse me while I gag on this quintessential television quandary.

GO HOME DANIELLA YOU ARE DRUNK.

This is her first legit moment with the yummiest beefcake to ever appear on this show and she is ugly crying and snot sniffling all over his perfectly unbuttoned Henley top.

GOSH.

2-on-1 Date

I didn't pay attention to see where they went or what they did on this stupid date.

Jackie, you did not have a good conversation with Sean. You talked about Tierra being a ho fo' sho' and you macked a little. Don't name your kids or start picking out china patterns just yet.

Tierra: "I'm scared of losing someone again." No, you are scared of Nurse Ratched and the padded room you escaped from. Chief can't save you once the Rose Ceremony is underway.

Go watch a movie. 

Bye, Jackie. Its been real. 

How can Sean not see the crazy? Numerous women have told him how Tierra is Carrie from Homeland psycho, yet he keeps giving her roses.

No comprendo, dude... No comprendo.

ROSE CEREMONY

"I honestly wish I was a fighter, because I would beat the shit out of these bitches... but I'm a pacifist, so it's whatever."

Please Sean, have MORE private conversations with Tierra. We are all hanging on every lie that crawls out of her cretinous gob.

Deuces, Robyn. And so ends the Experimental ABC Diversity Train.

"And I was like 'WUTTTTTTTT'?"

TOMORROW on The Bachelor:

Tierra gets in touch with her inner Fargo while everyone else is re-watching Heathers to get ideas on how to off her.

Seriously, go watch a movie. 

For real, guys. 

And I'll be busy having a life to make up for the two extra hours this show sucked out of me this week.