Revenge Problems

Revenge is back in action- which means, I have some nit-picking to do about ABC's #1 Sunday drama. Here we go:

On Charlotte being all nicey-nicey to Faux Amanda now that she's illegitimately pregs with some rando's honey boo boo child:

Her pregnancy plan.

Charlotte please stop acting like you are sister of the year. You're basically signing yourself up for free babysitting and once your inheritance gets blown on shipping Victoria into space forever/getting you acting lessons, you're going to need that 10 bucks an hour gig. Chances are the baby is going to come out emotionally messed up already after Faux Amanda's suggestive life choices and having a trained assassin/spy/identityborrowing godmother. 


When Faux Emily is in Japan and her lover does the dip, so Sensei compares this little situation to her father's sitch:

"Your lovah... he uh.. left you"

Alrighty then, Sensei-I doubt having your quasi-boyfriend from karate camp ditch you in maze makes Emily/Amanda feel the same betrayal as her dad did when he got shanked in the person yard and was basically blamed for a terrorist attack. So, it's really nice of you to try and relate to Faux Emily and everything- but you're just making it worse and making us wish we had the old Mr. Miyagi back before he got re-casted. 

On how much Ashley doesn't even really need to be on the show anymore:

Is no one else noticing how Ashley and Daniel aren't really even Ashley and Daniel? You would never know they were together because Daniel spends so much time talking to his dad and Ashley keeps planning parties. I feel like in every episode there is a party, cocktail hour, gala, or press conference with these people. Like... go to the movies or something. Watch the Ellen Show. Just stop attending high-class functions for about 2 minutes. 

"Oui... I did do dat thing"
No, you idiot.
DENY. DENY. DENY.

On how much Deckland needs to channel his inner- Erik Van Der Woodsen:

Deckland, you are a sucky liar and fess up too quick. After all those years spent on the upper east side with your sister Serena and hiding your homosexuality in a closet the size of a stretch Hummer.... I expect better. 

On how they manage to slip in another fiesta and reason to make you have roller coaster emotions waiting for next week's episode:

Just as the episode is ending, Conrad announces that he and Victoria are renewing their vows. This pisses Victoria off to no end, but gives Ashley another fab event to plan and Daniel a reason to get revenge-y. Meanwhile, Emily probably goes and tries to find her mother (who lost her mind after she lost her virginity in the dugout of a high school baseball field to some guy who wouldn't even drive her to the clinic to get something that sounds like shmashmortion). If that last sentence made you incredibly confused and lost, go rent Fast Times At Ridgemont High and thank me in the morning. 

Trust me... you're going to love it. 

THERE IS A GOD. Bachelor Problems

I'm telling you all right now. There are only two reasons I will be watching the upcoming season of the Bachelor.

"Hi I'm Sean, but you can call me... Daddy" 

    1. My blog depends on it.
    2. HOT ASS SEAN IS THE NEXT BACHELOR

We all know how I feel about H.A.S. So you can imagine my excitement and then self-loathing about the new season. I will still be here for your hilariously cynical needs- so breath easy folks. This ginge has a purpose again.

Some of you may not be the biggest Hot Ass Sean fans. Well, I have compiled a list of reasons (pictures included) of why Sean is the right choice for the next installment of the worst show to grace the small screen- besides Honey Boo Boo.

Here we go:

 1. He's good with kids

... of ALL ages.








             2. He's an animal lover.

 3. THAT.

 4. He is skilled in the art of selfies and kissy pics.










                                                                                    5. He's not Chris.

Plus, there's always the possibility that Emily will come to her sense, realize she's engaged to a Mormon Hobbit, and come steal Sean away from the new crop of Bitches de Desperado. And who would be opposed to that? 

Childhood Problems

Many of you may have known me in my youth and probably thought I was awkward and weird.

I was.  I still am. Whatever.

For those of you who did not know pre-teen Marnie, I was awkward and weird... but I was also a good time. My friend Jordyn and I used to make music videos to our favorite *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys songs. Imagine two eleven year old girls wearing fluorescent fleece vests from the GAP, doing literal dance moves to the lyrics of "I Want It That Way". It was a creative outlet and yes, we still have the tapes somewhere in my basement.

Jordyn and I were also fascinated with Amanda Bynes. We recreated her "Ask Ashley" skits from All That and pretty much worshiped the Amanda Show.

This week, I was watching E! as Kevin Jonas dug a hole in his backyard to throw his career into (after convincing America that he actually does like hot dogs... you know what I mean) the news ticker along the bottom of the screen flashed the following:

AMANDA BYNES CAUGHT SMOKING MARIJUANA WHILE DRIVING

I was speechless. MY childhood shattered before my eyes.

Then I saw that Hey Arnold was on Netflix and quickly got over it.

But, nevertheless, I feel bad for Amanda. I just hope she kept her cool when the cops drove up.

 Her credentials as Judge Trudy should work in her favor.

Blog dismissed. Bring in the Dancing Lobsters. 

Suggestions, Suggestions PUHLEASE.

I need help choosing a new show/ topic to blog about people! You're the ones reading this thing so tell me what you want to read about! I'll try my best to be hilarious- per usual, so leave your comments here/on facebook/tweet at me/ send a carrier pigeon and smoke signal to Rhode Island. I'm sitting here not doing my homework and watching Kourtney Kardashian give birth... AGAIN. So call me beep me if you wanna save me from going cray-zay.

Fall TV Problems

  Thanks to a free trial of Hulu Plus, I had the pleasure of watching a full-episode preview of NBC's new series, Revolution. It's your typical JJ Abrams deal- something awful happens to a bunch of people and forces them to live like pilgrims or hippies. In this case, that horrible something is the electricity going out, FOR-EV-VER. I don't know about any of you people, but aside from being forced to watch Diane Keaton movies all day while listening to The Best of Nickelback- no power is pretty much my worst nightmare.

How I would look everyday without power

    So let's hash this thing out for all of you who have been anticipating the premiere of this show, or for those of you who probably won't have time to watch because you have "real jobs" or "prefer to read" or are "watching Downton Abbey instead". WARNING. SPOILER ALERT. The basic premise of the show is the power goes out for good. The pilot episode starts out in present day Chicago, the day of the blackout. A concerned father busts into his home while his kids watch TV like zombies and his wife (who was on LOST) prepares for no more Internet, hairdryers, washing machines, toilets, Sunday HBO line-ups or GPS. They might as well jump off a bridge right now.

    Cut-to Bella's dad from Twilight and his friend/ homosexual lover (?) in a Mustang on the highway discussing dating protocol while Not Bella's Dad tries to download nudie pics onto his iPhone. The previously mentioned concernicus dad calls Chief Swan, because they're broskis, to warn him about the blackout, when BOOM. No more light. No more cars. No more nudie picks for Bella's Dad's pervy friend.

This is their life now.

    Fast forward 15 years later- Chicago is a barren waste-land and people have been forced to live on mini plantations like it's freaking Tara after the damn Yankees came and looted the place. Except in this situation, there are less black people, some Brits, ex Google CEO and  butt loads of corn. The zombie TV kids from before are now in their 20's and live in the small community with their still concerned father. Apparently their mother saw the smoke monster and scampered off into the woods and hasn't been seen since... I don't know- maybe she found a way back to The Island?

     So anyway, Gus from Breaking Bad comes into the picture as a captain or something of the Militia- yeah, the freaking MILITIA- and demands that Concerned Dad comes with him to find his brother, Bella's Dad (His real character name is Miles- so... I'm still going to refer to him as Bella's Dad, Billy Burke, or Charlie Swan- deal with it). The younger brother of the, now adult, zombie kids doesn't like this situation. Side note- his name is Danny. Danny has Bieber hair and clearly suffers from youngest child-syndrome, meaning that he is a total weenie. So Danny grabs a gun and points it at Militia Gus in a strange and out-of-character act of bravery. Boom goes the dynamite/gun/ a bunch of people get shot and hacked with axes while Concerned Dad actually gets hit with a stray bullet. His last words to his children were to find their Uncle Miles (Charlie Swan) in Chicago. So naturally the older girl, Charlie- takes it upon herself to find U.M and save her brother (oh right I forgot to mention that Danny was taken away by Gus and his merry band of meat heads after the shoot out at the OK Corral).

Charlie, British Betch, and Fat JJ Abrams. 

Charlie makes her way into Chicago, accompanied by the town doctor and an ex-Google CEO who I will here-on refer to as Fat JJ Abrams,  to find her Uncle. Oh and I can't forget to mention the spicy looking beefcake with a bow and arrow that she meets along the way- Boy Katniss Everdeen. BKE and the crew find Miles at some dive bar and Charlie fails at persuading him to help her. Right when you think that U.M sucks and should be a better uncle to his now orphaned niece, he channels his inner Forks Police Chief and identifies Boy Katniss as an undercover Militia member. SHOCK AND AWE.

"I am the  Ethnic Mockingjay"

"You killed my brother, prepare to die"

BKE brings the evil troops to Miles and Charlie to arrest him. But it sucks for them because Billy Burke goes Inigo Montoya on their asses and it's like the Hash Slinging Slasher busted up in this place and just killed everyone.

Meanwhile, Danny has escaped from his captors and is having asthma attacks outside some lady's house. Gus comes to find him and takes him away while the lady of the house scurries upstairs, whips out a flash drive and plugs it into her COMPUTER, and then turns on her LIGHTBULB and starts INSTANT MESSAGING someone. Is this bitch A? I call shenanigans.

If any of you have special requests for blog topics or shows for me to review- post a comment or tweet at me @shesarangasir. If your suggestion isn't totally ridiculous and I can both enjoy, and make fun of it- it may show up in future posts...maybe.

Not An Actual Problem But Stroke Of Genius

 I woke up this morning and habitually opened my computer and came across the startling picture of Miley Cyrus' new hair cut. Naturally, my brain makes pop culture references and links faster than Michael Phelps swims- so I headed to the internet, perused google images, cut and paste and yadda yadda yadda- I created this beauty. Enjoy.

Opening Ceremony Problems

THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE! THE OLYMPICS ARE HERE!

The Summer Games are underway and I am sobbing uncontrollably because I'm not in London. I miss that beautiful city and all it's wonder...I miss the Borough Market grilled cheese even more. The Opening Ceremonies always set the tone for the games and this year, Creative Director Danny Boyle is responsible for the $45 million show. If you're a movie buff like myself, you may know that Danny Boyle directed an Academy Award Winning film a few years ago, so expectations are high. Let's just say this better be as good, if not better than Slumdog Millionaire.

As Bob Costas chats with Tom Brokaw and his recently botoxed face,  I think about how I fully expect the USA to rip sauce during the games and nab all the gold medals, per usual. Bob Costas says the word Stratford and I'm all Wait the Olympic village is in EAST London? Is anyone else worried about Ryan Lochte and his hot bod getting shanked? At this point I really need Bob and Tom to move away from Tower Bridge because the mere sight of it makes me gasp and groan with agony.

Yes. a thousand times, yes. 

Now to Matt Lauer and...Meredith Viera? Hey Mere, I thought you were done with television? Give someone else (Ann Curry) a freaking chance. Paul McCartney is scheduled to perform at the end of the night and I have now peed my pants...without shame.

Ryan Seacrest now dominates three major networks that I watch and I want to do to him whatever they did in Gremlins to make them go away. Ry, you have your midget foot in E!, FOX and now NBC? Who hired you? I would like to kick them in the groin. PS- they asked you to interview the gymnasts because you're all the same height and can bond over the pains of reaching for things on the top shelf and driving with a booster seat. I already don't like Gabby "The Flying Squirrel" Douglas. She thinks she's hot shit because Marta Karyoli gave her a nickname.

The show is starting and people are emerging from a thatched house and...wait...are they hobbits? Am I in The Shire? Pan to Harry, William and Kate/Cate (pick a spelling and go with it). Back to The Shire where the bad guys from Gangs of New York are watching factory towers magically come out of the ground.

Now I'm crying.

Kenneth Branagh AKA Gilderoy Lockhart from HP quotes The Tempest, how British.

Now hordes of people are emerging from the factory towers and they are all dirty and wearing aprons. Am I missing something? Are there supposed to be pitchforks? Is this a scene from Frankenstein? The Top Hat Clan is now doing some type of dancing. Are we stomping the yard or churning butter? The cast of extras in this production is interesting. It probably took that dude three weeks to grow those mutton chops and perfect that mono-brow.

Here comes Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. They hope we will enjoy the show.

Meredith Viera comments: "It looks like they're forging some type of of massive ring, Matt". One ring to rule them all. So...we've left The Shire and have now taken up house in Mordor.

Aside from some confusion, I am entertained yet continuing to bawl my eyes out as those little kids sing across the UK countryside.

"I'm over it"

Wait, is that James Bond 6.0? Hello, Mr. Craig. Sure, casually walk into Buckingham Palace
Sidenote: I want a corgi. The Queen is the baddest bitch in the game and her lack of enthusiasm throughout the night proves how much of a hipster she could be if she lived in Brooklyn. I have to admit that the James Bond bit was actually awesome and Prince Philip is loving every minute of it. And I know what you all were thinking when that helicopter showed up, Oh, great, here's Kalon. 

   The children's choir breaks out the National Anthem- "God Save the Queen", and I want to know- who's the American dick who copies the UK national anthem and changes the words to "Let Freedom Ring"?

To represent the UK's sketchy health care or something like that, a bunch of kids in hospital beds get wheeled out by real doctors and nurses (according to Matt Lauer). Now I feel like I'm watching a Lady Gaga video with all of these hospital beds and nightmarish things roaming the arena.

As I get up to retrieve tissues and buckets to fill with my tears, JK Rowling starts reading something and I'm like HOLY HIPPOGRIFF BATMAN. Now I'm really losing my shit. Wait-is that the child snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Giant Voldemort? A meth-head Captain Hook? Where am I? Where's my mommy?

HAVE NO FEAR SMALL CHILD ACTORS, Marry Poppins is here! But not even Mary Poppins can defeat that giant baby head that is both haunting and slightly reminiscent of Baby Grace from Friday Night Lights.

I have no words for Mr. Bean. For a second in that beach jogging scene I thought that was Michael Fassbender...it wasn't. He looked more like Greg Kinear anyway, disappointing.

Now a transition into the digital age. Very well done, but they lost me with the interchanging real-life and pre-recorded versions of this love story. I mean, It's cute how they are running with giant glo-sticks and it's supposed to be like the London Underground, but in reality the tube isn't teeming with neon and sequin-wearing teenagers, but a lingering foot aroma and strangers who stare just a little too long. 

Cracked-out outfits and dancing is always appreciated

I really enjoyed this digital age part of the show. Good music, crazy costumes, and cracked out dancing that reminds me of nights at Piccadilly Institute. Wayne's World even made a cameo. The British Chris Brown starts breaking it down and all I can think is, Wait where's Adele and her unborn child? But then they start to blast some Muse and all is right with the world again. They even got the guy who invented the Internet! Thank you sir for supporting my procrastination habit.
Cut-to Matt Lauer interviewing Michael Phelps, who suffers from extreme goggle tan and slow-blinking syndrome. It's alright Mike, we still love you.

Parade Of Nations, better known as the "I've never heard of there!"game. Seriously though... these are countries?

These announcers reading off the names of countries/delegations remind me of the two headed thing that announced the pod races in Star Wars Episode One.
Anyone? Anyone? No? Whatever.
I bet you Liz II is just sitting up in her fancy shmancy box thinking... "Look at all these countries that I used to own".

What the hell are Independent Olympic Athletes?

As for you, Israeli athlete with his flag shaved into the side of his head, all I have to say is Oy vey.

People live in Madagascar?

Gold Medalists in Tackiness

Mexico's outfits  are provided by Oriental Trading Magazine and party stores nationwide.

I dig the Netherland's orange pea coats.

I'm appreciating the number of ELO songs being played at this point in the show.

AND HERE COMES THE USA! Every one's looking fab in their berets and blazers thanks to Caroline Scott hollerrrrrrrrrr gurllll.

So chic

Liz doesn't even crack a smile for GB when they start to march. Bee tee dubs, I dig the gold hooded jackets GB, super posh.

Harry looks pissed because it's past his bedtime and his Nanna wouldn't introduce him to James Bond.

I demand more Arctic Monkeys. Can this OC playlist be available on iTunes anytime soon, please? Well done Danny Boyle.

As Arctic Monkeys plays "Come Together", human doves ride bikes up into the sky...when did this become E.T?

As the nations walk into the arena, I have to wonder, what's with the human barriers? This isn't a wicken prayer circle, guys.

Sir Paul McCartney ladies, and gents. Paul segues into a Peter Brady version of "Hey Jude" as everyone cries crocodile tears and I look up airfare to Heathrow.

Did anyone else think it was a tad rude of Sir Paul to leave out all the trannys in the audience when asking everyone to sing along? Just the men, now just the ladies, I can't hear you- do any of you even know the words?

This spectacular show was so magnificent and full of style that I ended up in the corner eating my hair until my parents got home, forcing me to pretend like I wasn't absolutely distraught from the Opening Ceremonies.

And to think that I have to live through two whole weeks of this. PURE. TORTURE.