Bachelor Week 2: Jump Then Fall Into Downward Dog And Breeeeeeeatheeeee

Alright ABC you got me- Open up with a shirtless, weightlifting Sean every episode and put some water on those Adonis abs and I will voluntarily sign up for the next Bachelor, the army, a colonoscopy, whatever.

Hiiiiiiiii Sean

It's obvious from this episode's promos that Tierra is the new Courtney. Her head is spinning around and she's yacking up green gunk as Sean talks to other chicks and gets more air time than her.

Namaste

Some of these contestants are such wet noodles, ie: Katie the yoga teacher.


SARA'S DATE LEAVES HER UP IN ARM(S)

Sean's favorite number must be el numero uno. I mean, it IS a ONE on ONE with a ONE armed lass.
"I'm like... through the roof" says Sara as her eyes glaze over and a production assistant wipes the spittle from her chin.

Question, Sara- Are you going to harp on your MIA appendage every episode or can we assume that you trust we all will eventually get used to your Black Knight status.

"Have at you!"

OK WAIT. Didn't Emily and Creepy Chris jump off of a building last season?

ABC- do less. I'm sure they'd be happy with horseback riding on a beach or visiting a prosthetics shop.

Is this supposed to be a metaphor for jumping into love together? Yeah, I took a high school English class once- I can see the signs in an epic(ally scripted) love story.

Oh cheese and rice, she's bringing up her arm AGAIN.

Ignore my arm, but listen to me tell this story about how my disability effected me negatively. Pay attention to my arm.

GROUP DATE IN THE TIME OF CHOLERA

"I hope I'm not overshadowed by bigger personalities"- Katie, the painfully boring yoga teacher.

So...this is going to be a trashy-romance-novel-photo-shoot kind of date.

Does this make Sean Fabio? Who generates the ideas for these dates? Tyra Banks?

Sean: "I'm seeing another side of Leslie today"
Yeah...her cleavage.

Oh the model gets the three book cover deal? WOAH DREAM BIG.

Kacie B: "I know Sean, we've done a few events together before" BECAUSE THIS IS A FRANCHISE.

Catherine, graphic designer from Seattle and Polynesian princess: "I'm vegan but I love the beef".
She wants the D. You're from Seattle and competing on a reality dating show, both of those things were as obvious as Jodie Foster's sexuality.

Selma, you're scaring me. I have no words for you.

Yoga Katie is feeling uncomfortable. She goes into child's pose and is never seen again.

Kacie B has been taken out of the friend zone. Then placed on Tierra's list of "People Whose Shampoo Needs To Be Replaced With Nair".

GALLERY GIRL

I want to marry my best friend, and when we are 80 and look old and busted, she better be able to take a freaking joke- Sean

Oh Sean you practical jokester. 

The name of the fake sculpture literally translates to "Chicken Little".
The sky is falling.
And so is Desiree's recollection of how PUNK'D works.

Sean: "I want to marry my best friend"

Desiree: "YOU WANNA BE MY BEST FRIEND?!"

COCKTAIL PARTY: A BREAK DOWN

Werk that bumpit Kacie B.

Lindsay is trying to redeem herself, sans veil and bouquet. Snaps for you, Lindsay.

Amanda is being a sour lemon and her dress reflects it. Homegirl came to play and is riding pine all the way to the Rose Ceremony.

Get over yourself, Mandy

at least she's consistent

Robyn: "So, there's a whole mess of ethnicities here...explain" 

Sean: "I've been prepared for this question since 10th grade debate club"

Thanks, Selma. I just learned Arabic. So now I have an interesting fact that I can use in my Homeland audition.

Robyn has got some OPINIONS. Girl, go write a blog or something, for sobbing out loud.

ROSE CEREMONY: THE FINAL FRONTIER

Lindsay gets a rose and I'M STILL IN THE BACHELOR FANTASY GAME BEECHES.

Hasta Nunca, Brooke and Diana. I don't even know who you are, so...bye.

NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELOR

Tierra slips on a banana peel and breaks a heel. All hell breaks loose.

See you next week