I Immediately Regret This Decision

I know nothing about this Bachelor.

I hear he's a farmer.  A farmer in search of love. A farmer in search of love on a television show.

The jokes basically write themselves.

I'll give him a chance though. After all, Chris is just a buff Old (Hot) McDonald looking for a flock of over-eager, masochistic women to hang out with amongst those 6,000 acres of corn.

Chris Harrison is there with a megaphone doing his best James Earl Jones impression.

We're 2 minutes in and I hear the words "Iowa is God's country."
Of course the state is more fondly known as "The armpit of the Midwest's armpit."

I already hate myself for doing this again.

As the cameras pan up to the chateau, I wonder- How many drunk dental hygienists are going to fall out of the limos onto the cobble stoned fountain?

At least 3.

The limos roll up. A pair of high heels attached to 5' 4" of self-loathing stumbles out of the door.

"Are you Moonlight Graham?" Chris asks.

"No one's called me Moonlight Graham since I left the Fresno Gas-N-Go to hitchhike here." Says the generically-named white woman with too much makeup on.

There are going to be Field of Dreams references, people. Deal with it.

If one of the contestants chokes on a hot dog it'll just be too much.

I spy Trina, and yes, she DEFINITELY bleaches her asshole.

Tara chooses to "just do her" and not dress up because "that's her", but then goes and changes into a cocktail dress and heels to do a second impression.

Something tells me she's taken 6 glasses of chardonnay to the face already and is just getting started.

I like Tara.

Jillian the news producer who can also do a round off back handspring thinks she's cool because she ~dead lifts~.

I don't like Jillian.

Then there's the girl who announces that she's going to tell a joke because when she tells a joke it breaks the ice and everyone usually laughs. This girl will not go far in life.

Everyone is super curious as to why there are ten less women competing than in other seasons. I'm more concerned with the Sisterhood of the Statement Necklace congregating in the live studio.

The women continue to awkwardly smile and make small talk as Chris tries to converse with each one for as long as the producers tell him he has to.

Amanda is the inspiration for Tim Burton's newest film "Big Eyes," scaring children and sound-minded adults in theaters (and now TV screens) nationwide.

OH LOOK. ANOTHER LIMO OF WOMEN SHOWS UP. WHAT A SURPRISE.

Jealousy is raging even after Carly the Cruise Ship Singer serenades Chris looking like a cracked out cupcake.

After some unnecessary break dancing, drunken onion accusations, and a troubling "I wish I was a polygamist right now" utterance, we arrive at the Rose Ceremony.

Chris is just whipping out names like he's taking attendance and Drunk Ass Tara is driving the struggle bus.

Is it wrong to say that I still like her? She might be my spirit animal. SHE GETS A ROSE.

And the losers are:

• The Cadaver Salesman
• The Realtor from Scottsdale
• The High School Soccer Coach
• A Bunch of Other People
• The Yoga Instructor (or not?)

The agonizing journey continues next week. 

I expect nothing but jealousy, secrets and private concerts on solo dates.

Quote of the night: "I would rather chew glass and wash it down with a bag of hair than lose." - Unknown Enraged Women (Probably the weird break dancing girl)