With the new practice of allowing the men to cast their votes for which woman they want to date on television for the next two months, it's like Survivor meets The Dating Game... I hope there's blood and lots of ugly crying.
The common theme among these contestant packages is "There's not a lot of options where I live."
Guys, there are ways to remedy this.
1) MOVE
2) SEMINARY SCHOOL
Or go on a tv show.
Guys, there are ways to remedy this.
1) MOVE
2) SEMINARY SCHOOL
Or go on a tv show.
What if Tinder was the premise of the next Bachelorette?
Let's see how many creepy guys in a 10 mile radius you can get to show up to the chateau or buy you a pizza before the wine runs out.
READY?
SET?
GO.
Let's see how many creepy guys in a 10 mile radius you can get to show up to the chateau or buy you a pizza before the wine runs out.
READY?
SET?
GO.
Limo Time
Britt's excited for the comparisons between her and Kaitlyn.
She was definitely one of those girls in school who loved being evaluated and thrived off of parent teacher conferences, or those messed up gym classes where you had to measure a partner's body mass index and present to the class.
It all makes sense now. This is why she's a waitress/actress.
She was definitely one of those girls in school who loved being evaluated and thrived off of parent teacher conferences, or those messed up gym classes where you had to measure a partner's body mass index and present to the class.
It all makes sense now. This is why she's a waitress/actress.
The limos roll up.
Some guys approach both women, some only one (Britt).
Some tailor small talk to each while others who were originally team Kaitlin switch to team Britt and NOT vice versa.
Some guys approach both women, some only one (Britt).
Some tailor small talk to each while others who were originally team Kaitlin switch to team Britt and NOT vice versa.
You can see Kaitlin shrinking into a lesser version of herself until a hockey stud tells her he wants to "puck" her.
That's a story for the grandkids.
Really precious.
That's a story for the grandkids.
Really precious.
Britt needs to be The Bachelorette so she can fulfill her role as a sucubus and move out of her shitty condo in Riverside.
Tony the Healer rolls out of the limo with a black eye. Someone obviously tried to steal his kombucha in line at Whole Foods and he seriously lost his chi for a sec.
I will not address the cupcake scooter dentist. I will not.
Everyone else falls somewhere on a scale of underwhelming to slightly embarrassing. And then there's the "Carpool" guy.
Inside the Chateau
The men vote.
Kaitlyn is chosen as the Bachelorette.
The tribe has spoken, and Britt is kicked off the island.
Valar Bachelorette Morghulis.
Kaitlyn is chosen as the Bachelorette.
The tribe has spoken, and Britt is kicked off the island.
After such a cosmic connection, Tony the Healer and his black eye are having an existential crisis alone in the thicket of fake palm trees on set.
Hug it out with the foliage, Tony.
Just kiss the crap out of those fern bushes.
Rose Ceremony
Kaitlyn thanks the guys for coming out, no matter the degree of weirdness or discomfort they all must be feeling. Which evidently is a lot.
Brady the ~musician~ asks for a pause and pulls Kaitlyn outside. I'm really hoping this is a confession of his undying affinity for girls who wear glitter eye shadow and sob like someone who just watched Beaches.
He's too into Britt. He runs off into the distance to find her.
BYE AMATEAUR SEX THERAPIST.
BYE LAW STUDENT/STRIPPER (Who I was really looking forward to calling him Flashdance)
BYE OTHER GUYS THAT GOT NO SCREEN TIME.
THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELORETTE
Ireland.
The Alamo.
Cliff screaming.
AMY FREAKIN' SCHUMER.
The bad guy from Andi's season who looks like Spencer Pratt (minus the creepy flesh colored beard).
SO MUCH MAN CRYING.
Hug it out with the foliage, Tony.
Just kiss the crap out of those fern bushes.
Rose Ceremony
Kaitlyn thanks the guys for coming out, no matter the degree of weirdness or discomfort they all must be feeling. Which evidently is a lot.
Brady the ~musician~ asks for a pause and pulls Kaitlyn outside. I'm really hoping this is a confession of his undying affinity for girls who wear glitter eye shadow and sob like someone who just watched Beaches.
He's too into Britt. He runs off into the distance to find her.
BYE AMATEAUR SEX THERAPIST.
BYE LAW STUDENT/STRIPPER (Who I was really looking forward to calling him Flashdance)
BYE OTHER GUYS THAT GOT NO SCREEN TIME.
THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELORETTE
Ireland.
The Alamo.
Cliff screaming.
AMY FREAKIN' SCHUMER.
The bad guy from Andi's season who looks like Spencer Pratt (minus the creepy flesh colored beard).
SO MUCH MAN CRYING.
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Say what ya want- but if it's negative I'll cut a betch.