Honestly, I'd Rather Be Watching Vegas Vacation.

This episode starts off super serious.

As serious as a show that is basically a polygamist's vacation can be. 

"Kimberly walks back in."

Let's be real. No one knows Kimberly by name. We know her as the girl who did NOT get a rose, but hung around and demanded an answer from Farmer Chris.

Kimberly is looking haggard in this early morning light as The Bachelor talks her off a ledge and lets her stay. 

The other vultures  women are waiting, bow-legged and boozed up, with roses all over the Chateau.

To their shock and dismay, Kimmy is back in the game BECAUSE SHE SAID PLEASE. 

The next morning/mid day, Chris Harrison dishes out the date cards while Chris dons his royal blue hoodie sans t-shirt because it says "I'm formal, but I'm here to party." It also says "My mom always told me to arch my back and stick out my chest because my pecs are my best feature and blue makes my eyes pop."

Group Date #1

Pool party...?

They're drinking what looks like Mike's Hard in tumbler glasses. Knowing this bunch, someone is getting their stomach pumped later. 

After making the women walk a mile in their bikinis along the 405 (I don't actually know what LA highway that was, I'm just applying what little knowledge I have of that side of the country) They finally roll up to a bunch of tractors, because WHAT ELSE would they be walking to? 

"It doesn't get more country than tractors in downtown LA." Unless you just married your cousin and the thresher is the wedding chariot driving you away from the shack where Cousin Leroy keeps his moonshine. 

So not only are we watching one man date 15 women at once. We are watching those women sit on tractors that are moving approximately 8 miles per hour and acting like they're in the Indy 500. 

Reality television is riveting. 

So riveting, I didn't notice that the group date just turned into a one-on-one date when Chris asks Fresh Out the Womb Mackenzie to join him for the rest of the evening. 

Mackenzie is absolutely annihilating her chances at a rose with her talk of noses, aliens, and the fact that she has a child named after a leafy green. 

No offense to Mackenzie, but she's a total dip. 

One-On-One Date

Megan. 

Megan, the girl who banged her head on multiple hard surfaces within Chris' living quarters. 

Megan says she cannot believe that she was picked to be the first solo date "this season." 

She's aware that this is a television show. She hasn't lost all of her brain cells...yet. 

Megan and Chris fly in a helicopter over the Hoover Dam and 100% think, That's where they filmed part of Vegas Vacation. That is the only thing I know about the Hoover Dam. I want cheese fries. 

They talk about some pretty heavy stuff on that little rock near the water. 

Chris is so nice and so obviously uncomfortable with this emotional over-share that he just has to kiss Megan to pull her back off the edge of ugly crying.

She gets a rose and this is literally so boring I start watching Vegas Vacation on YouTube. 

Chevy Chase is a national treasure. 

Group Date #2

I hope Chris dresses up as Jigsaw and asks the women to play a game. 

This show would get better ratings if Drunk Tara had to saw off Trina's foot or if female body-builder Jillian scooped the weird break dancing girl's eye out of its socket. 

An equally sadistic move would be locking the women in a room with Kelsey as she laughs like a neurotic Julia Roberts for hours on end. 

This date is not just about paintball, this is ZOMBIE PAINTBALL. 

Onion Ashley (you know who I'm talking about) should not be allowed near any kind of weapon, paint-filled or not.  

I wouldn't give that girl a water gun. 

Channel your inner Rick Grimes, ladies, apparently Chris is into a La Femme Nikita thing.  

Onion Ashley is actually frightening, but not as frightening as Wasted Jordan's description of Jillian's hairy downstairs. 

Is Onion Ashley drunk? 

Did she pop too many Xanax? 

Did she challenge Megan to a head-banging contest and forget the helmet? 

Chris is in deep with Britt. So deep he wrote a note that rhymed so he could mack a bit.

Breakdances With Wolves gets the rose and I fear Chris' judgment may be clouded by the flock of eagles she has tattooed on the back of her biceps. 

The Rose Ceremony

The Virgin Ashley is asking for wishes to be made on her torso jewelry and mackin' so hard.

Britt is realizing what she signed up for.

Drunk Jordan is living up to her nickname. 

What. A. Night. 

Jillian began to accept a rose that was not offered to her. She must have been a little antsy after juicing up and doing a couple dozen squats. 

Onion Ashley just got a rose. 

Has Chris been huffing tractor fuel?

Drunk Jordan and Tara would have been way more fun (but only slightly less stable). 

Buh-bye now, Cheery Flight Attendant whose name I don't need to remember. 

Adios, Second Time Around Kim- you tried. 

Next Week

Jimmy Kimmel, the man who provoked this iconic tweet below, comes to the rescue. 

I Immediately Regret This Decision

I know nothing about this Bachelor.

I hear he's a farmer.  A farmer in search of love. A farmer in search of love on a television show.

The jokes basically write themselves.

I'll give him a chance though. After all, Chris is just a buff Old (Hot) McDonald looking for a flock of over-eager, masochistic women to hang out with amongst those 6,000 acres of corn.

Chris Harrison is there with a megaphone doing his best James Earl Jones impression.

We're 2 minutes in and I hear the words "Iowa is God's country."
Of course the state is more fondly known as "The armpit of the Midwest's armpit."

I already hate myself for doing this again.

As the cameras pan up to the chateau, I wonder- How many drunk dental hygienists are going to fall out of the limos onto the cobble stoned fountain?

At least 3.

The limos roll up. A pair of high heels attached to 5' 4" of self-loathing stumbles out of the door.

"Are you Moonlight Graham?" Chris asks.

"No one's called me Moonlight Graham since I left the Fresno Gas-N-Go to hitchhike here." Says the generically-named white woman with too much makeup on.

There are going to be Field of Dreams references, people. Deal with it.

If one of the contestants chokes on a hot dog it'll just be too much.

I spy Trina, and yes, she DEFINITELY bleaches her asshole.

Tara chooses to "just do her" and not dress up because "that's her", but then goes and changes into a cocktail dress and heels to do a second impression.

Something tells me she's taken 6 glasses of chardonnay to the face already and is just getting started.

I like Tara.

Jillian the news producer who can also do a round off back handspring thinks she's cool because she ~dead lifts~.

I don't like Jillian.

Then there's the girl who announces that she's going to tell a joke because when she tells a joke it breaks the ice and everyone usually laughs. This girl will not go far in life.

Everyone is super curious as to why there are ten less women competing than in other seasons. I'm more concerned with the Sisterhood of the Statement Necklace congregating in the live studio.

The women continue to awkwardly smile and make small talk as Chris tries to converse with each one for as long as the producers tell him he has to.

Amanda is the inspiration for Tim Burton's newest film "Big Eyes," scaring children and sound-minded adults in theaters (and now TV screens) nationwide.

OH LOOK. ANOTHER LIMO OF WOMEN SHOWS UP. WHAT A SURPRISE.

Jealousy is raging even after Carly the Cruise Ship Singer serenades Chris looking like a cracked out cupcake.

After some unnecessary break dancing, drunken onion accusations, and a troubling "I wish I was a polygamist right now" utterance, we arrive at the Rose Ceremony.

Chris is just whipping out names like he's taking attendance and Drunk Ass Tara is driving the struggle bus.

Is it wrong to say that I still like her? She might be my spirit animal. SHE GETS A ROSE.

And the losers are:

• The Cadaver Salesman
• The Realtor from Scottsdale
• The High School Soccer Coach
• A Bunch of Other People
• The Yoga Instructor (or not?)

The agonizing journey continues next week. 

I expect nothing but jealousy, secrets and private concerts on solo dates.

Quote of the night: "I would rather chew glass and wash it down with a bag of hair than lose." - Unknown Enraged Women (Probably the weird break dancing girl)

It's Good To Be Back.

I'll be honest with you, I have no idea what this new Bachelor, Chris Soules, is all about.  So I can't comment on him (yet), but that doesn't mean I'm at a loss for words.

I've been out of the game for a bit with this show. But I felt compelled to revisit it by the recent release of women who will be vying for this dude's heart. 'Why?' you may ask...because this group of women may be the worst thing to happen to feminism since the sandwich, and I'm not going to stand idly by without ripping them to pieces from behind my computer screen on the comfort of my own couch.

I picked out a few winners (and painfully obvious losers) to give you all a little preview of what this season will have in store.

Amanda
Ballet Teacher 
"I teach young girls to hate their bodies from the moment they walk into my studio. Toddler cankles make me want to vomit in my Louis Vuitton handbag."

Amber

Bartender 

"I'm the only person on this show who doesn't need to go tanning and will unfortunately not make it to week 4."

Bo
Plus-sized model
"I'm going to get an inordinate amount of attention for my occupation because I'm not a size -4. Let's hope Chris is all about the bass." 

Brittany
WWE Diva-In-Training
"I missed the casting call for E! Network's 'Total Divas.'
I can put my whole fist inside my mouth, wanna see?"

Carly
Cruise Ship Singer
"I tried out for American Idol six time and fell into a pit of despair and self-loathing that led me out into Open Water where my loneliness is amplified in my 4" x 6" cabin below the lido deck. I hate myself for knowing what a lido deck is and for so much more." 

Jordan
 Student
"I'm 24 and have given up all hope of finding a partner at a bar or in a park like any other sane person my age."

Kara
High School Soccer Coach
"I didn't get the memo about the jewel-toned wardrobe and I'm trying to overcompensate for the association of masculinity in my occupation."

Mackenzie
Dental Hygienist
"Wait...you're kidding. I'm the ONLY dental hygienist this season?"

Michelle
Wedding Cake Decorator
"In bed, I make the guy do his best New Jersey accent and call me 'The Cake Boss.'"

Nicole
Real Estate Agent
"I'm dead behind the eyes and just had an enema."

Reegan
Cadaver Tissue Salesperson
"I sell dead people."

Tracy

4th Grade Teacher

"Boys and girls your homework for the next 8 weeks is to tune in to ABC every Monday night and watch Miss Tracy discredit herself as a responsible educator on national television."

Trina 

Special Education Teacher 

"I definitely get my asshole bleached."

Have a favorite yet? 

This is going to be fun. 

A 23 Year Old's Experience At The One Direction Tour Movie

Friends, Romans (AKA people I don't really talk to anymore but read this blog anyway because it showed up on their Facebook newsfeed- bless your little hearts-), countrymen, lend me your ears.

Gather round, ye merry readers

I am a One Direction fan.

And I don't care if you judge me.

Now as a totally non age-appropriate member of this fandom, I oddly feel no shame. 
There are guilty pleasures I have but I don't feel guilty about this at all. 

Disclaimer: Guilty pleasures include- Lifetime Movies, Instagramming until the cows come home, and leftover Chinese food being consumed before 10 am. 

I mean.. look at them. 

I attended a showing of the concert film Sunday night with a fellow 20-something who I went to the actual concert with at MetLife Stadium in August because we felt the need to re-live one of the best nights of our lives together.

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL FRIENDSHIP, PEOPLE. 

The theater was not packed, but obviously teeming with teenage girls and quintessential angst.

Only a few of them were wearing Uggs- PROGRESS.

The film begins with an interview with the boys, a few questions about tour habits, the new album, favorite moments from different shows across the world, a weird bit about some undergarments and a whole lot of Harry Styles looking like an absolute, curly-haired, adorable, new born baby otter with the sex appeal of 1960's Marlon Brando and a half-retarded puppy all wrapped up in a pair of skinny jeans and a bandana.

Just think about it. It eventually makes sense.

He is almost on the verge of becoming a young Keith Richards with Mick Jagger dance moves and let me tell you, Mr. Styles may be the source of many a teenage girl's sexual awakening.

It's happening...

There was an incessant amount of chatter and squealing as the interviewer asked questions and the mesmerizing accents of the band filled the theater.

Sharp gasps and excessive face-grabbing occurred whenever any of them spoke.

It was like those Rocky Horror participant screenings but with braces and excessive ugly crying.

Please note that the crying is not from excitement, but because they know they will never be this happy ever again.

You can see the hope draining from their souls

It wasn't until the actual concert footage from the Milan show in San Sira Stadium that there was a substantial surge of estrogen-fueled mania coursing through everyone's veins.

This doesn't help

A rather poetic soul sitting behind me shouted out some lovely phrases such as "YAAAAAAAAS" at the sight of Niall winking at the camera.

"STAAAAAAAAAHP" as Zayn hit the high notes in "You And I."

And my personal favorite "F&#! MY A$%,"  for when Liam was the only one on stage as the rest of band used the facilities.

There was singing and dancing and convulsions of grandeur during "Best Song Ever" and the classic, "What Makes You Beautiful."

Now you're probably thinking- "Marnie, where were these children's parents?" And I will tell you that there was one brave mother sitting in a seat on the aisle who looked on as an entire theater simultaneously sobbed and screamed with an expression that cried "You all need Jesus."

I can't speak for the others in that theater but I don't think I need Jesus. 

I need 8 million dollars and a fast metabolism.

And concert tickets. 

Definitely concert tickets. 

The Haters Gonna Hate (Hate Hate Hate Hate)

Everyone is freaking out about Taylor Swift's new single, new album, new album title, new album cover, new mascara, new shoes, new boyfriend, new purse, and new shade of blood orange lipstick.

Let's just go with the theme that everything TaySwizz is now new.

She's definitely bringing a new sound with her latest single "Shake It Off."

It's catchy and upbeat and surprisingly not about a boy, heartache, love, or any of that. It's about her sticking it to all the asshats out there and yes... shaking it off.

The chorus is a mantra that will most likely pump through the earphones of women (and men comfortable with their sexuality) and put a little pep in their step. The radio will overplay it and nine year olds will create choreographed routines to it in basements. Moms will make their newborn babies shimmy to it and damn it all to hell if an all-male sports team doesn't make a viral video with synchronized dude dancing.

Sidebar: 

I do not like Taylor Swift.

Maybe it's because she's 2 years older than me and accomplished way more than I could ever hope and I'm a tad pissed.

Maybe it's because some of her songs lyrics make me think "This could be the worst thing for feminism since the sandwich."

Maybe it's her fling with Harry Styles.

Maybe it's because she's friends with Ed Sheeran and I'm not.

And I will tell you- it is all of these things a lot of things.

So I will say it again.

I do not like Taylor Swift.

BUT- I do like this song. More importantly I like the video. I love self-depricating humor. More importantly I love when celebrities participate in self-depricating humor. This video is a pretty little present wrapped in a bow as far as I'm concerned.

Swift is infamously known for her painfully white dance moves at award shows and her own concerts. I've seen her at a few Ed Sheeran shows and she makes me look like I could be in a Beyonce video (*sigh*).

In this video, she shakes what her momma gave her (awkward thrusting motions and glutes that practically concave into her abdomen) in various outfits in homage to all of the different dance styles she definitely, 100% cannot do.

First we have Ballet:

Hip Hop:

Lyrical/Contemporary:

The robot:

and whatever this is...

At some point in the video we see Stella getting her groove back/ Taylor assaulting people with said groove. Then we cut to...

Cheerleading...?:

...And a rap that probably, most definitely, did not need to be added to song.  But it will give twelve-year-olds so much street cred when they whip out their ability to match tone, pitch and cadence when their moms blast this over the mini van speakers.

Prediction: We will all download this song. And we will all regret that decision in less than a month. 

We'll probably wish our music libraries and this song will never ever ever get back together. Like...ever. 

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'?

Not saying my interest isn't piqued for this new album though... maybe I'll take "Taylor Swift" off of my Tumblr blacklist for a bit...see what happens.

You can shake your bon bon and watch the full video for "Shake It Off" here. 

I'm all about the Ginger Jesus

This is giving me heart palpitations jut looking at it.

A concert is a religious experience. 

People find God at concerts. 

I normally find people who clearly haven't showered in a fortnight, but its a religious experience all the same, because I'm there for the music not the people. 

The lights dim, people start screaming and speaking in tongues. 

Vibrations pump through speakers and pulse through your veins from a simple tap on the microphone. 

Fists tighten, smiles widen, there may be some tears. 

A single spotlight flicks on in the center of the stage and a scraggly redhead bends over his guitar and starts picking the strings like someone who has fifteen fingers. 

I'm not a religious person, by any means,  but I'm all about the Ginger Jesus.

Ed Sheeran, the 23 year old Brit, released his sophomore album entitled "x" on Monday. 

If you know me personally, you know I love music, ginger people, and becoming absolutely obsessed with things and thriving on the shameless bliss they bring me. 

Well...check, check, aaaaaand check because this album had me resorting to illegal downloads, hours of reblogging on Tumblr and the most serious case of FOMO since looking at pictures of my friends on Facebook while they were studying abroad. 

Sheeran demonstrates flawless musicality on tracks like Thinking Out Loud, Runaway, and Take It Back. 

Putting it bluntly on Take It Back; "I'm not a rapper, I'm a singer with a flow" Ed doesn't disappoint with clever rhymes and references to School of Rock, Macy Gray, and a chorus that has me humming loudly and visibly-white-person-head-bobbing on a crowded subway during rush hour. 

I heard some of these new tracks at the Ed concert I went to (last-minute) a few weeks ago and am now ferociously searching for his next US tour dates online every waking moment. I had a pretty beastly week at work and after hearing from a fellow Sheerio with an extra ticket- my mood instantaneously bounced back.

That being my third show of his in the past ten months, I will be fangirling my way through life (per usual) until his next visit to the states. NEXT TIME IN THE FRONT ROW. WITH FACE PAINT. AND A LEGIT CAMERA. 

Needless to say, I can't wait to go to church.