Jojo Has No Words Aside From "You Look So Good"

We're back at the Bachelorette Mansion. Weren't we just here? Can I go home now?

I enter this new season with one thought.

How many pretty people is Chris Harrison friends with?

Jojo preps for months of polygamist-style dating with some of her closest ABC network gal pals, all former Bachelorettes themselves.

Ali Fedotowksy (who did not stay with her chosen bachelor), Desiree Hartstock (pregnant with her first child with chosen bachelor), and Kaitlyn Bristowe (currently engaged to chosen bachelor) offer their words of wisdom.

Ali: "Figure out who you really like and ignore them for a week."

Kaitlyn: "Kiss all of them on the first night."

Des: "Bleach your asshole at least 3 days before the Fantasy Suite."

Will she heed their advice?

Do I even really care at this point?

I can already smell a problem with this season.

85% of these guys are really good looking.

And they 100% are aware of it.

THE LIMOS

Here they come.

Grant comes out of the limo and will from now on be known as Handsome Squidward.

Aaron Rodgers' brother is already a top contender.

Mainly because he has a FANTASTIC jaw line and an ass that won't quit.

Damn Daniel, you are awkward and bad at introductions.

And after further speculation, a gargantuan piece of shit.

Coley is disgusting and most likely serves the Dark Lord.

The "hipster" seems more like a surf bum to me, but maybe I'm too mainstream to differentiate.

Wells coming in strong with the barbershop quartet.

Pastor Evan found a way to lift peoples spirits and flimsy peens!

THE COCKTAIL PARTY

Daniel embarrasses himself with tiny underthings.

Will tries to go for a kiss and fails to stick the landing.

The Pianist (not Adrien Brody, but Ali) foreshadows a turn of events by stating "We don't need any other guys in this house."

And guess who walks in...

Well, well, well. It's Jake Pavelka (The Bachelor in 2010, and Bachelorette contestant in 2009).

Not familiar with Jake? His publicist also sensed this and shoved him onto the show to... JUST GIVE HER ADVICE?

*cough* RATINGS PLOY *cough*

"Chad seems like a big tough man but i can see there's this very soft side to him."

It's probably his penis.

This night is quickly taking a turn. (Belly)Buttons have been pushed at this cocktail party, and the drinks are flowing to the point where some guys may get carried out with the pinot current.

THE ROSE CEREMONY

"Daniel will you accept this rose?"

Girl, are you okay? 

Do you need a nap?

Some water?

A playback of the night's shenanigans?

THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELORETTE

Robby (definitely maybe) has a girlfriend.

Aaron Rodgers' brother has an ego the size of Texas and everyone is jealous of him.

Chad is the new Olivia.

The Marine's hair cannot handle humidity.

I'm so down.

Jojo's League of (Subpar AF) Gentlemen

I know I don't really write here anymore because I have a job and a life and about 6 seasons of Nurse Jackie to get through on Netflix. But this batch of bachelors are BEGGING me to write this post.

In my opinion, Jojo has her work cut out for her this season. From what I've seen on the ABC Website, only a hand full of these guys seem even remotely promising.

Shall we meet some of them?

Brandon

With his stressful job as "Hipster," we already know Brandon was into The Bachelorette before it was cool and is competing on this show ironically. He most definitely makes his own micro brew and has every Father John Misty album on vinyl "because it sounds better."

Coley

Judging by the name I thought ABC had messed up and accidentally casted a 12 year old girl who loves horses and writes fan fiction with centaurs and shit, but looks like it's just, well, this guy. 

Luke

Looks like Keith Urban had a baby with Billy Ray Cyrus and will get his achy breaky heart broken. 

Daniel

The most Ben-looking bland man in the bunch. This could either freak Jojo out or keep him in the running until at least week 3.

James S.

Jimbo here says his occupation is "Bachelor Super Fan." He watches with his manicurist and Church group every week!

James Taylor

I'm not kidding. That's his actual name. He's seen fire. He's probably seen some rain. Did I mention he's coincidentally a singer-songwriter? Respect the ginger beard, but you know he's coming out of the limo with a guitar. 

James F.

Will last 3 hours into the first cocktail party where he will get sloppy drunk and a bit handsy before Chris Harrison himself will escort him off of the premises. Also, ew.

Nick S.

"Neckerchief Nick." That is all. 

Ali

Whether he be a prince (fabulous he, Ali Abawa) or strong as ten regular men (definitely), he could make it pretty far.

Jordan

Voted Most Likely To Laugh Like John Travolta Playing Danny Zucko (and will probably get the First Impression Rose)

Wells

Good news Sandlot fans, Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez has come out of retirement, found the Fountain of Youth and joined this season of The Bachelorette! 

Will

Coming in strong at 6' 2" (and a half) with Goodburger as his favorite movie.

(Jerry Seinfeld Voice) "Reality TV Dating Shows, What's Up With That?"

Last week on The Bachelorette, Kaitlyn began her journey to small-screen stardom/ love.

Also,  she seems to have started the second stages of wearing Invisalign.

Chris The "Cupcake" Dentist will marvel at her mouth bones later.

My mom shoots me a text 2 minutes into the episode letting me know how she thinks tonight will go.

She's so wise.

Remember when Brady stalked Brit all the way back to her hotel?
Remember when he totally used this one-on-one time to not be compared to anyone else and hypnotized her with his unwashed hair and ultra-wide crew neck tee?
Remember when I had dignity and didn't watch this show?

Those were the days...

Group Date #1

Wrestling? Boxing? Will the contestants strap on the singlet and grapple with each other for a moment of The Bachelorette's affection?

It looks like they'll be wearing big shorts. Damn.

Laila Ali walks into the room, giving the men a pep talk while simultaneously preparing to embarrass them on national television.

The gym is the pinnacle of romantic locations.

Just think of all the MRSA living on those punching bags.

Kaitlyn: "Please don't hurt each other in this competition of literally hurting each other for my attention."

Someone who hasn't had a lot of screen time tells Kaitlyn about his son, Aurelius.
She tries to not to laugh at the fact that this man is the father of a boy who will be mocked for the rest of his life.

But then, a mysterious note that says "Come downstairs right now, I need to see you" falls into her lap.

Slightly Concussed Jared is back from the hospital and ready to mack on her all the way to The Rose Ceremony.

One-On-One Date #1

Clint, Son of Odin, and Her Royal Bacheloretteness set out to their underwater photo shoot date.

Our girl Kait seems unable to grasp that you need to hold your breath and not let out any bubbles in order for the photos to look semi-cute.

But Thor is a natural and is schooling Kaitlyn in the art of underwater modeling.

Tyra has taught him well, because he gets the rose.

Meanwhile back at the house, Tony is two seconds away from a Hare Krishna chant-fest.

Group Date #2

It's Amateur Night on The Bachelorette.

Comedy and love are all about timing.

Some of these guys seem to really struggle with both.

Thank Beyonce, because Amy Schumer is here to help and humiliate them.

"Mr. Confidence," AKA JJ, is a little too confident. He's also always dreamed of doing comedy, so this could potentially be the worst thing we've ever seen, ever, in the history of television.

Some of the guys play it safe, some play it dirty, some totally bite it and should just drive home on their cupcake scooter of shame.

Tony takes this opportunity to deliver a commencement speech of sorts.

Let's just let the ladies be funny, guys, okay?

After the show, Kaitlyn proceeds to make out with the majority of them because, well, you gotta shop around a little bit, right?

JJ gets the rose for talking about his child and evoking a microbe of emotion.

No one else likes JJ.

The Rose Ceremony

In true form, JJ pulls a dick move during the cocktail party by pulling Kaitlyn away immediately, saying, AND I QUOTE, "Sorry not sorry" to the other guys.

Someone's been reading the Betches Luv This blog in his spare time.

Ian shows his compassion and continues to remind us of the Old Spice Guy.

Part of me wonders if he might be the first non-caucasian person to get far in this competition.

We're rooting for you, Ian.

Tony continues to have quite the time with this whole process and the inevitable betrayal of the Universe on his chakras or whatever.

Kupah is annoyed that Kaitlyn doesn't vibe with him.
And he should be, right?
How dare she ignore him after he does nothing to make a connection with her.
What a bitch.

Yet, he just keeps digging himself deeper and deeper.

Kupah is out of here...

And still can't seem to shut up.

NEXT WEEK ON THE BACHELORETTE

Kaitlyn cracks some skulls.

Britt and Brady are nauseating.

Dear Bachelorette producers:

A Tale of Two Bachelorettes

It's night one of The Bachelorette Season 11.

Two very different women are competing for the very same thing: public humiliation and potential venereal diseases.

With the new practice of allowing the men to cast their votes for which woman they want to date on television for the next two months, it's like Survivor meets The Dating Game... I hope there's blood and lots of ugly crying. 

The common theme among these contestant packages is "There's not a lot of options where I live."

Guys, there are ways to remedy this.
1) MOVE
2) SEMINARY SCHOOL

Or go on a tv show.

What if Tinder was the premise of the next Bachelorette?

Let's see how many creepy guys in a 10 mile radius you can get to show up to the chateau or buy you a pizza before the wine runs out.

READY?
SET?
GO.

Limo Time

Britt's excited for the comparisons between her and Kaitlyn.

She was definitely one of those girls in school who loved being evaluated and thrived off of parent teacher conferences, or those messed up gym classes where you had to measure a partner's body mass index and present to the class.

It all makes sense now. This is why she's a waitress/actress. 

The limos roll up.

Some guys approach both women, some only one (Britt).

Some tailor small talk to each while others who were originally team Kaitlin switch to team Britt and NOT vice versa. 

You can see Kaitlin shrinking into a lesser version of herself until a hockey stud tells her he wants to "puck" her.

That's a story for the grandkids.

Really precious.

Britt needs to be The Bachelorette so she can fulfill her role as a sucubus and move out of her shitty condo in Riverside.  

Tony the Healer rolls out of the limo with a black eye. Someone obviously tried to steal his kombucha in line at Whole Foods and he seriously lost his chi for a sec.

I will not address the cupcake scooter dentist. I will not. 

Everyone else falls somewhere on a scale of underwhelming to slightly embarrassing. And then there's the "Carpool" guy.

Inside the Chateau

The men vote.

Kaitlyn is chosen as the Bachelorette.

The tribe has spoken, and Britt is kicked off the island.

Valar Bachelorette Morghulis.

After such a cosmic connection, Tony the Healer and his black eye are having an existential crisis alone in the thicket of fake palm trees on set.

Hug it out with the foliage, Tony.
Just kiss the crap out of those fern bushes.

Rose Ceremony

Kaitlyn thanks the guys for coming out, no matter the degree of weirdness or discomfort they all must be feeling. Which evidently is a lot.

Brady the ~musician~ asks for a pause and pulls Kaitlyn outside. I'm really hoping this is a confession of his undying affinity for girls who wear glitter eye shadow and sob like someone who just watched Beaches.

He's too into Britt. He runs off into the distance to find her.

BYE AMATEAUR SEX THERAPIST.
BYE LAW STUDENT/STRIPPER (Who I was really looking forward to calling him Flashdance)
BYE OTHER GUYS THAT GOT NO SCREEN TIME.

THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELORETTE

Ireland.

The Alamo.

Cliff screaming.

AMY FREAKIN' SCHUMER.

The bad guy from Andi's season who looks like Spencer Pratt (minus the creepy flesh colored beard).

SO MUCH MAN CRYING.

Double The Suitors, Double The Eye Rolls

On Monday, May 18th, the new season of The Bachelorette will be thrust upon us against our will. So we might as well make the most of it, right?

Britt and Kaitlyn are up at bat this time around after being jilted by The Corn King Chris Soules, but the catch is only one will stay and one will go.

That's right, the gentlemen will determine who is the sole Bachelorette this season. I say we get to know some of them a little better...

Justin, Fitness Trainer

Justin is that guy at the party or any social gathering who let's you know he does CrossFit. Don't worry about asking him if he works out or what his regiment is, because he will tell you. 

Tony, Healer

Tony's a ~healer~. He just wants to connect with the Bachelorette's spirit, getting to know her aura over a couple shots of wheat grass juice while a calming Bon Iver album plays in the background.

Daniel, Fashion Designer

Pause for inevitable judgement of his sexuality per the choice in profession. Homeboy probably dresses better than Anna Wintour and will have to endure the heinous outfits the potential Bachelorette will wear each week. 

Josh S., Law Student/Exotic Dancer

I see you windin' and grindin' up on that podium. I know you see me lookin' at you and you already know... you're guilty and going to prison. 

Shawn E, Amateur Sex Coach

As an amateur sex coach, Shawn E. has the same level of knowledge as a 14 year old who has seen Fifty Shades of Grey a few times, or a pledge in the douchiest fraternity at a state school. 

Ryan M., Junkyard Specialist

Ryan M. spends most of his time in waste receptacles and on Craig's List looking for someone to dumpster dive with him.

Brady, Singer-songwriter

Voted Most Likely To End A Conversation By Saying: "Anyway, here's Wonderwall."

Chris, Dentist

Chris failed out of medical school, that's why he became a dentist. He desperately hopes the Bachelorette is cool with flossing after every meal and being the big spoon. 

There's no guarantee that I'll be able to blog about each episode of the upcoming season, but there will always be Twitter commentary. For the same rude (yet honest) opinions from yours truly, follow me here.

Wake Me Up When It's Over.

RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU'RE READY TO WASTE 3 HOURS OF YOUR LIFE.

Bachelor Chris is back in a snow-covered Iowa, which is only slightly more depressing than regular Iowa.

Whitney Meets the Fam

Whitney is first at bat with The Family Soules.

Right out of the gate she lets them know she's a fan of the show, and their beloved Prince Farming by extension.

The Sisters sit down with Whit and listen to her spiel about babies and corn and not having a lower vocal register.

When comparing the two remaining women, Chris says a few nice things about Whitney and stumble mumbles his way through a grocery list of things he loves about Becca.

"I love the way he makes me feel like I'm the only girl in the world, even though he's dating someone way hotter than me."

After "The Future Mrs. Soules" heads back to her hotel, the men gather around in the audaciously masculine tool shed/garage to talk about Chris' feelings.

Becca Has To Measure Up

Becca definitely has her work cut our for her with Chris' family after Whitney The Good Witch swooped in on her magic bubble.

She may be making Mama Soules pee her pants with laughter about life in a small town, but she literally says she's not ready to move, let alone go M.A.C.H. 3 through a cornfield into a relationship with this stuttering boob.

QUESTION(S): Why has there been absolutely no conversation about Chris moving out of Iowa? Why do the women need to uproot their lives for a guy they've been dating for about 6 weeks? Why do they have to profess their undying love for him when he can't even tell them he loves them a little? Why is there still a gender wage gap? Why is a girl who sleeps around a slut while a guy is a stud? Why are there no stand-alone female superhero movies? WHY AM I STILL WATCHING THIS SHOW?

After an intense discussion with Becca about her feelings, Chris and Whitney drive through miles of unharvested starch with forced laughter and awkward, jittery, excitement.

At this point all of America knows Chris is going to pick Whitney. But then Host Chris Harrison's comment about a twist from the beginning of the show snaps back into our minds.

Whitney says she knows what Chris is thinking when she looks into his eyes.

You're guilting me into choosing you. I wonder if Becca gets bikini waxes. I can't believe Walt dies at the end of Breaking Bad. 

Decision Time

The producer Chris chooses to propose to his future wife in a barn when it's 20 degrees outside. Conveniently this is where he raised his first pig and definitely did some weird stuff with a goat.

There's a production assistant somewhere on the premises suffocating from the flaming hay bales that were placed too close to the space heaters.

He tells Becca she isn't ready so he has to go with Whitney. But she seems totally cool with it.

Whitney cries and snot rockets everywhere blah, blah, blah they're engaged.

This is the most anti-climactic finAHle ever, am I right?

After The Final Rose

They're still together.

Nobody cares.

Jimmy Kimmel got them a cow named Juan Pablo.

Onion Ashley is going to be on Bachelor In Paradise.

Britt AND Kaitlyn are both the next Bachelorette.

I don't know.

Bye.

The Women Tell Us Nothing We Didn't Already Know

Why is Kelsey putting blush on her ears? What does Britt look like without makeup? Will I ever reclaim my dignity? These are questions that will hopefully be answered on tonight's Women Tell All Special.

The night opens with Chris Squared crashing Bachelor viewing parties around the greater Los Angeles area, making drunk women wet themselves, drop shot glasses, and confirm that this show brings out the worst in people.

Britt confronts Carly about the things said on camera, and everyone else on stage feels the need to talk over one another. This sounds like what might go on in a middle school guidance counselor's office, except everyone has way better eyebrows.

Chris Harrison steps in when Jillian gets "a little too jacked up." Pun intended? Definitely pun intended.

Carly says it all.

Britt is acting like an actress because, GUESS WHAT, a waitress in LA sells her soul to become EXACTLY THAT. 

Say "dude" again, Britt. Just say it again.

Chris Harrison should charge by the second when he talks these women off of a cliff. Five minutes with Britt and Kelsey and he could retire in May and have his nonexistent grandkids set for life.

Psychotic Kelsey is back with her dead shark eyes and gluten-free, anti-vaccination mom haircut.

Every time Kelsey opens her mouth its as if to say:

While she fake cries and sniffles, a high-pitched voice asks to say something.

Overlord Chris Harrison says no.

Trina took a break from bleaching her asshole to join us tonight. Bless your heart, Trina.

Samantha speaks! She has vocal cords!

The legitimacy of Kelsey's story is questioned, as it has been by people across the country and in Canada.

Personally, I think it boils down to her just being dead inside and having a strong background in community theater.

And here we have The Ballad of Onion Ashley.

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

But whenever Onion Ashley was around, we were all afraid. So very, very afraid.

She's articulate enough to explain her Mesa Verde reference, her obsession with the onion, and accusations of betting on the contestants.

Chris Harrison formally invites her to participate in the next season of Bachelor in Paradise, did she accept? I was too ticked off by the lack of explanation in her interview.

We really don't need to revisit Jade's experience on the show. It was boring until she got nakey and then boring again when Chris said he was okay with it (even though he totally wasn't).

People keep talking about Chris' blog. He has a blog?

Is it better than mine?

Is he prettier than me?

Prince Farming In The Hot Seat 

Time to call him out on his lack of eye contact, ladies.

And Britt's already crying.

Kaitlyn's asking for an explanation for the abrupt departure, but she's not going to get one.

Chris is unable to articulate anything that isn't scripted or pieced together with long, audible sighs.  He is also unable to maintain eye contact in those situations.

The real world is made up of those situations. So good luck to Becca or Whitney, or even Britt at this point, because you're looking at a  life of unanswered questions and starch-filled dinners. The human body doesn't digest corn, just saying.

After the much needed blooper reel, I realize I've never hated someone's laugh so much.

Chris Harrison wrote a romance novel. Fabio isn't on the cover so it won't reach its core market anytime soon.

Next Week

The dramatic season finAHle (gag me) followed by a LIVE After The Final Rose.

We're gonna be glued to the tube for 3 straight hours.

May Beyonce be with you.