Finally, It's Over: The Final Rose

We've made it. The Final Rose. Will there be a proposal? Obviously, Sean is more eager to get married than a pair of West Virginia cousins.

Let's play a game. "Count the dudes in the live studio audience."

Chris says there's a surprise in store? Plot twist: Emily and Sean got together and are adopting Jef With One F.

HIS NIECE AND NEPHEW ARE SO CUTE I AM GOING TO PROJECTILE VOMIT.

I wish my uncles were on the Bachelor and got to fly us all out to Thailand. Giddy up, Larry, Dana, and Doan. Marnie needs to get her Phuket on.

Catherine walks into the bungalow and is the raisin in a bowl of cream of wheat. "Diversity" protests ABC.

On Catherine's one-on-one date with Sean's mom, she throws out SAT words like "reciprocate." We get it, you learned a book.

As Catherine yammers on about her search for great love, Sean's mom is clutching her elbows in a self-consoling way that screams "THIS IS THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE I'VE EVER FELT."

Sean's dad is basically a saint and is calling Cath his daughter because her dad is over the cuckoo's nest.

I was looking forward to his sister grilling her about anything and everything while little Kensington and Smith throw Pad Thai in her face.

Lindsay, my girl, don't screw this up.

"Let's talk about you in the limo..." asks Sean's family.

"I had just chugged like a whole bag of Franzia and taken a few muscle relaxers and really tried to channel my inner bride like the sister from Sixteen Candles."

Lindsay's thoughts upon walking into the bungalow

I'm going to count the number of times she refers to prayer while in the presence of Pastor Lowe.

On her one-on-one date with Sean's dad, Lindsay gets ballsy and asks a BIG question. "Can I have Sean's hand in marriage?"

Sean's mom has a valid point when questioning how serious and deep their relationship goes. "We've sat down and talked about all the hard things, like...you know...apartheid and... um...the first season finale of Game of Thrones."

Look at his calves. They could crush a Buick.

Mama Lowe is the only sane one here. Sean wants to pop the question after knowing a chick for 2 months. My car has spent more time at the Subaru auto body shop than these women have spent with Sean.

Ok, Ron Burgundy. 

Sean gets technical. "And over there is Myanmar, and this is Thailand..and over there is Laos... or LOW as they say it here."

"What do you think we're going to look like when we're old?" - Lindsay

Lindz, you are drunk. GO HOME.

BUT WAIT FOR HIM TO TELL YOU HE LOVES YOU BACK.

HE LOVES YOU BACK.

SNAPS FOR YOU, LINDZ.

I'm sitting here watching this with my parents and my dad is analyzing their kissing technique. If there is a level beyond super-mega-discomfort...I've reached that level.

They did it in Ashley's season too. 

What are these, paper lanterns? HOW ORIGINAL.

Keep saying you've fallen in love with Lindsay. Just keep that thought in your beautiful, beautiful head.

Catherine needs to burn that shirt. Purple polka dots are a crime. They both should be arrested for the degree of matchy-matchiness going on in this elephant reserve.

Catherine has never so obviously wanted the D in her entire life. Except Sean's got that circle with the line through it down there. That thing, that Ghostbusters thing.

"I just really love you" No Sean, you just really love the idea that your kids could go to college for half price.

Before they leave each other, there's some tushy grabbing and I'm pretty sure that means Sean wants to choose Catherine.

Catherine starts to throw a bitch fit and I'm pretty sure if she stamps her foot a little more and holds her breath Sean will pick her.

I haven't mentioned it yet this season but Sean's sweaty red-faced problem has been under control. There is only one explanation, he drank the blood of his enemies.

The Women Scorned are going with Lindsay as Sean's pick. I agree but then again he and Catherine do seem to have something special but it just doesn't fit in my opinion. She's like a wet, soggy puzzle piece trying to fit into the Sean masterpiece.

"I'm dreading seeing that look on her face."
Well I'm really excited for it so SHOW ME.

The second Lindsay says that today is the day she's going to get engaged. Me and all of America know that it's actually not.

I can't tell if I'm angry upset or disappointed upset or just bloated from inhaling my gelato during the commercial break.

What's super difficult is hearing Lindsay sob about how everything she ever wanted was dangled in front of her face and Sean just took it away. Ja feel, Lieutenant Dan? 

Sean is crying man tears right now. Big, fat, crocodile, man tears.

Of course Catherine gave Chris a letter for Sean. OF COURSE.

Naturally ABC cuts back to the live studio and every member of that audience leaked a little in their underoos when Sean opened that cheesy note.

"I love you so much and I'm going to tell you every day."

My reaction to Sean's decision

Okay... that's kind of cute.

Am I the only concerned for the elephant they're riding on? There's legit a rope up its butt. Someone call PETA.

Okay, so they're engaged and everything is la-di-da, whatever.
Good news is we all can go back to having a life on Monday nights.

How Lindsay basically feels. 

                                    At least until Desiree and her Bachelorette season begins.

Which is great because I'll be graduated and in the real world where blogging about reality TV shows may or may not be an actual route to a career.

The Women Tell Us Everything We Already Knew.

Tonight, a very special edition of the Bachelor: The Women Tell All.
Apparently this season is the best by far and the ratings are off the charts thanks in large part, to Sean's abs. Tonight's episode is also brought to you by all of the women scorned by Sean's love and rejection.

Chris and Sean do their own rendition of Wedding Crashers and show up randomly to Bachelor viewing parties AKA, lots of lonely women who take this show seriously. They even showed up to a sorority house, surprised a room full of Delta Gammas where they then sat and chatted about their majors, where they're from and talked about all the Greek Week trophies they've won.

said no one who reads my blog ever. 

The women are introduced and I'm outraged. WHERE THE HECK IS THE JUMBO TRON OPERATOR? Oh wait of course, it's hockey season- the busy season.

Let's not let a Tierrable situation be the first thing discussed, Chris. Let's create a nice build up over the course of the night and allude to it in promos before we want to gouge our eyes out.

"Brooke?"

Must you speak, Brooke? Must you harp on a topic that you know nothing about? These girls lived through the Tierrarism, they were in the trenches with her. They exchanged glares that radiated gamma rays of hate whenever that crazy bitch was around. Don't act like you know what's up, Brooke because YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THEY'VE BEEN.

Sean just tweeted that he is the one picking the tweets thats run across the bottom of the sceeen. If they suck my love for him may be compromised.

For the love of Sean Connery can you all SEE her frickin' eyebrow? It's making a run for her forehead. Retreating to her weave.

"I wasn't going there to find my best friend" she says. WELP. There ya go. Mission accomplished.

At least we know she can spell. Can she spell anything else? P-S-Y-C-H-O.

"I'm not calling you a liar I'm saying you lied to me." The start to every valid argument on this show.
Bottom line. Tierra doesn't want or need friends. She's her own best friend.

"When I was a girl I was Little Miss Nevada." Was your name also Lola, and were you a showgirl?

Sarah, we've missed you and your arm. Not really but whatever.

When she gets a manicure does she get it at half-price?

I like to think that she's gone as the Venus de Milo at least once for halloween.

I don't really need to see the Des/Sean montage. I just don't. Do you guys? Because I'm all set.

There is only one word for AshLee's face while she watched the montage, organized.

She doesn't love Sean anymore. She's "reeled in her feelings."

"I wanna beat you right now because you said it." 

I hope Sean and and Chris are really good friends outside of the show. Something about that bromance just feels right.

Sean looks smaller. He's been skipping leg day. Chris needs to be there with him at the gym. Friends don't let friends skip leg day.

There are bloopers.

There are shirtless Sean bloopers.

Praise be to whey protein.

Next Week On The Bachelor
The final rose is given and possibly  most definitely a proposal. I've read spoilers because I have no will power but I won't ruin it for the rest of you.

So who will it be?

Looney Lindsay? Quirky Catherine?




Thank Beyonce its my Spring Break next week so I won't be frantically studying for another Art History Exam after blogging.

I hope you all are grateful that I sacrifice my academic integrity by ignoring about 50 Byzantine-Renaissance flashcards from the hours of 8-11 PM.

Tropic Thunder Thighs: A Tale Of Sean And Whoever Is Left

This week we travel to Thailand. I know what some of you are thinking. "Why Thailand?" "Sean doesn't talk Thai."

Oh no, America. Sean talk Thai. Sean talk Thai very well.

If Sean is looking for someone weird, nerdy, and goofy then he can date Zooey Deschanel. Or me.
Not Catherine.

Does anyone else feel like Ash Capital L ee gushes over Sean just a little too much?
"Tell me what it's like in Dallas, Sean. Do people just...fawn over you?"

Lindsay's Date
I love the referencing to Lindsay and her loopy wedding dress. Sean admits that he almost sent her home on the first night out of sheer fear that she was the bad kind of crazy. I know I've said it before, but her inner Gloria is showing.

"I just arrived at this fine-ass hotel in Thailand that I'm getting paid to mention. It's time to get weird."-  Sean

So I guess the lesson we learn here with Lindsay is "Have wedding dress and ignorance about other cultures, will receive rose and access to Sean's abdominals."

Okay wait, they're actually really cute and I want them to be together forever and ever or until one of them cheats on the other and it's publicised within the year.

Okay I said it let's move on to little monkeys.

CHEESE AND RICE YOU GUYS HE SAID HE WANTS TO MARRY THIS GIRL. HE WANTS TO MARRY HER.

He better stick with this idea.

But she's going to have to tell him that she loves him ASAP before we get a Lesley M situation going again.

I've had enough of reading these tweets at the bottom of the screen. If I wanted to read your not funny or remotely witty social media jibber jabber I would follow you for four to five hours before wanting to move on with my life. Where are the edgy, border-line inappropriate tweets? Jason Biggs cranks those things out like he's an insult machine.

Oh the Come Hither Key. Up to the Fantasy Suite they go.
No interruptions.
No distractions.
Just a team of cameras and producers watching you make out.

Finally, she drops the L bomb and participants of Bachelor Drinking Games across the nation throw back a shot.

AshLee's Date

How many times do we need to hear AshLee refer to Sean as the love of her life when all he's said to any of the women is how much he likes them.

Seriously, this is like 5th grade. " I don't like like you, I just like you."

Here is where Sean is testing the waters with AshLee- pun intended.

Sweet Baby Jesus again with the abandonment plight, and now a full-on freakout in an underwater cave.

"I want my future wife to be able to let go and trust me as I lead her down a scary dark cave where there could be eels and various forms of bacteria that could give us both parasites and viruses and oh yeah I don't really know what I'm doing down here at all." -Sean.

Let's be honest, this is his car. 

Sean is a fan of the tushy. He's always grabbing it regardless of where he is and who he's around.

So essentially, AshLee you love Sean but you're mad at him because he's dating two other women ON THIS DATING GAME SHOW. Right, that makes perfect sense. I totally get it and your emotions are valid.

You don't need to worry about that over night date card though, Ash, our boy is a born-again virgin so you're just in for an intense conversation and maybe some heavy petting. Okay, definitely some heavy petting.

I just got a text from Woody: "Do you think AshLee is ovulating? I think he sprayed pheromones on the couch."

And you all wonder where I get it from...

Catherine's Date

Is that one of the ships from Pirates of the Caribbean 3? Clearly I have never been to Singapore  Thailand.

I can literally count the number of times Catherine has made eye contact with this dude longer than 3 seconds on one hand. Is there such a thing as Retinal Ritalin?

That weather looks ridiculous. I'm not liking what I'm seeing out there. I hope Catherine has an umbrella to cover her and all of her emotional baggage. God knows they don't make ones big enough for AshLee and all her abandonment issues.

Another text from The Woodman: "I just mentioned Sean's upper body definition to Mom and she just low groaned 'oh my god' like somebody just handed her a Pottery Barn shopping spree."

Catherine willingly admits to her weirdness, along with her dire need for a child within the next 5 years.

Sounds about right. Know a guy for a few weeks, get married, pop out a little nugget and name it after Chris Harrison.

...

WAIT HE WANTS TO MARRY HER TOO?

YOU AREN'T JEF WITH ONE F, SEAN. THIS ISN'T BIG LOVE. IT GOT CANCELLED FOR A REASON. And that reason was Chloe Sevigny's sex tape reappearing and the complete lack of Jeanne Tripplehorn's femininity.

I mentioned it a few weeks ago and it's more apparent now than ever, Catherine wants the D.

She wants it BAD.

Rose Ceremony

HE'S IN LOVE!

And it better be with Lindsay.

Sean looks so unbelievably guilty while watching AshLee's video it's all I can do to bury my head into my pillow and scream with glee. That's what you get for bringing up your sad childhood every five minutes and wearing that dress that makes you look like you're asking for it. Because...well.. you're asking for it.

just...try everything. 

He's got a tough decision to make.
Will Sean turn to Buddha for guidance?
A Magic 8 Ball perhaps?

The suspense is killing me. Or at least pressing on my bladder because I haven't taken a break from blogging since the first commercial.

AshLee will most likely organize her way into a mental breakdown on the flight home.

AshLee is going out like a prissy little bitch.

"She didn't even say goodbye to us!" cries Catherine as she grips her rose and laughs internally.

I guess she can just add this to her baby hippo-sized duffle bag of issues.

Things can only get worse for her if they make her fly back in coach.




NEXT TIME

The Women Tell All.
Put on your big girl pants.
I'm going to get nasty and sarcastic.

There's No Week Like Hometown Date Week

It's finally here. The Mother of all Bachelor episodes. Hometown Dates.

Nervous women, protective brothers, hesitant Fathers and weird extended family members that come out of the woodwork. 

This is my favorite week. 

AshLee's Date

Welcome to Texas. Home of the Alamo, Tim Riggins and AshLee's motorcycling high holy rolling father. The date starts out with your standard, everyday picnic in a meadow and an excessive amount of thigh-grabbing close-ups. 

"You can tell right away that AshLee's dad is very protective of her, and has hair plugs."- Sean

This woman's tear ducts leak more than Whoopi Goldberg in those adult diaper commercials. 

AshLee's mother, Chaz Bono, holds nothing back as she asks Sean straight up if he is going to break her daughter's heart. Well, Sean, seeing that you are afraid of these people asking if you love AshLee, it may be a good idea to make a quick Irish exit. 

Here's the adoption story. AshLee can't bitch and moan about nobody loving her and being abandoned because here are two people who took her in when she had a pageboy haircut with complimentary stank face, and then allowed her to be on a dating game show. That's love, girl. 

Note the time: It is 8:19 PM EST and I am calling it right now that Desiree is pulling a prank on Sean with this ex-boyfriend coming to profess his love nonsense. This is total payback for the broken art date and Des's spin on  Sean's messy room prank when he was on Emily's season. 

Catherine's Date

Seattle. The land of Starbucks, Grey's Anatomy and 12 different ways to recycle. 

When Sean starts slinging fish in Pike Place Market I have to admit I'm slightly jealous. I'd purposely let that fish "slip" and smack Catherine in the face. Knock her down a few pegs and then stick her to the gum wall while I go find the Mt. Rainier cherries and get weird. 

I want to see if Catherine's family is as quirky and over-enthusiastic as she is. I'm not putting anyone down for being enthusiastic but there's enthusiastic and then there's questionable behavior that may lead someone to believe you are partaking in recreational drug use. 

Her sisters know what’s up. They’re giving her the perspective that it all can’t be sunshine and rainbows and this is making Catherine feel “kinda shitty.” Hate to break it to you Cathy, but sometimes things get “kinda shitty” and you just gotta say ‘ACK’ and roll with the punches. 

and then move on

Lindsay's Date

"If this goes well, I'll be ready to win Marnie and Casey a ton of bragging rights" says Lindsay, the top Bachelor Fantasy League pick (cough-cough). 

That is the first time I have ever seen anyone on the Bachelor/Bachelorette drink beer. EVER.

Lindsay's advice for what to call her dad is incredibly similar to Brian Regan's approach to forgetting names and still being polite:

"Hey there...Buckaroo. How's it goin'...Pardner?"

Oh my god. She touched the butt. 

That isn't the first time Sean has had a woman sit on him while he does push ups. Lest we forget last season when Emily's cougar friend demanded he take his shirt off for them? 

Do we think AshLee's military dad is going to pull some Full Metal Jacket stuff on Sean? Especially after he asks for her parent's blessing to marry her. 

And now The General is throwing around army metaphors. He's applying these dog tag values to the values of love. 

Such a shame we didn't get more out of Lindsay's brother. He looked like he just tore himself away from a riveting game of Minecraft. 

and hangs out with these kind of people. 

Desiree's Date

All Des wants to do is mack it. I don't blame her. Sean is pretty mack-able, but according to the previews things get pretty heated between a (fake) boyfriend and Sean, then at a later time, Des's brother and Sean. It may be hard to sneak some smooches with the threat of punches in the air. 

That was so predictable. Unimaginative. Lame. I could pull way better pranks. Hear that, Sean. I'D BE BETTER THAN HER. 

So now we know that if there is an ABC makeup team that styles the women and makes them look pretty, they do not by any means go near the family during hometown date week. Exhibit A: Desiree's mom's hair and purple sweater/pink jean combo. 

Desiree's brother is on our side. This whole thing is stupid. Word, Bro Namath. 

"You don't like her as much as she likes you"- Des's douchey, yet lucid brother. 

Des, he's just not that into you. Only the Rose Ceremony will tell if you are the rule...or the exception. 

Excuse me while I overcome an aggressive shiver of self loathing for typing that sentence. 

Rose Ceremony

Sean was hoping for clarity and he just didn't get it. 

But let's be honest, Sean was hoping for someone or one of the families to be too weird to even deal with and make the decision that much easier when the Rose Ceremony rolled around. 

As long as Lindsay's through to next week I'm cool beans. Any of these other women can go home because AshLee, that purple dress is ratchet; Catherine needs to be able to do something else with her hair aside from this half up/ half down business; and Desiree can't stand in heels. Can you say bow legged?

WE'RE IN THE CLEAR, CASEY!

And the final rose goes to....

They seriously just went to a commercial. 

I'm thinking Desiree may get the rose tonight but won't be the one he picks at the end. I know this because I've been reading his cryptic tweets all night. Plus, his Twitter profile looks like this. I feel like this is something that may have been Catherine-inspired:

AND HE GOES WITH CATHY. 

It was time, Des. You were the rule. Not the exception. Blame your brother. 

Tomorrow Night

Sean Tells All. 

And we will be there to listen. 

Ding Dong The Witch Is Flying Coach Back to Her Home On Whore Island

What has two thumbs and quads that could crush a Buick? This guy. 

I really should be studying for my Art History exam tomorrow but I just HAD to take a break and watch this week's episode. I wonder what crazy thing Tierra will do this week. I wonder what crazy group date Sean will make up. I wonder what my brain cell count will be after watching this show.

As I pop an Aleve because I'm still sore from shoveling the snow off of my driveway this weekend, Sean and the ladies arrive in the tropical paradise that is St. Croix.

How nice for them.

AshLee's Date:

AshLee, I'm really getting tired of your crying and adoption/abandonment story and most importantly, having to capitalize that L in your name. It really messes up my flow.

Lesley is talking about putting Tierra's rollaway cot into the middle of the ocean. Someone has obviously seen Parent Trap.

AshLee and Sean's date is a little boring, am I right? If I wanted to see people make out on a beach I'd go rent a real love story like The Notebook and eat my feelings.

"We have Hometown Dates coming up." is the equivalent of "Oh SAT's are next week." Better get workin'.

I feel like it was yesterday when Creepy Chris took Emily to meet his Polish family, Arie spoke dutch for too long and made her feel uncomfortable, Jef introduced her to his sisterwives and Sean displayed his teenage boy room.

Tierra: "I'm just really nervous about the sweatiness and the bugs and my makeup dripping off."

Its official. Tierra is the Wicked Witch of the West. She's afraid of melting.

"So you were a married high school junior?" What is this, One Tree Hill? Forget Tutor Girl, AshLee is Organizer Girl.

This whole screaming on the beach at night thing is making me uncomfortable. Mainly because I'm getting strong flashbacks to those "I LOVE THIS WOMAN" commercials. What were those even for? Someone Google that for me.

This is the moment of truth, Sean. Is Tierra the love of your life? Or is she two breakdowns away from reaching Gloria From Wedding Crashers Status?

I keep forgetting Lindsay is there. It seems like she really only makes an impression at cocktail parties when there's free booze and someone to ogle.

Tierra starts running her mouth about the female bonding time in the house and we have got ourselves a classic case of She Said/ 'That Bitch Said WHAT?!'

Tierra, control your eyebrows.

I want to know who Lesley is politically consulting for. I never even looked at her occupation until now. I was too fixated on her sloping hair part.

GROUP DATE:

Sean wakes these ladies up at the ass crack of dawn for their group date. WITH POLAROIDS. This man is a beautiful,beautiful genius. He's just a little too chipper at 4 AM for me.

I'm with you, Lindsay. I'd forget to shave my armpits too.

Aw, it's a sunrise date. As beautiful as that may be, the view of the inside of my eyelids is way prettier.

Cheers to 5 AM mimosas!

Okay, Lindsay. You are the Arie of the group. It's his face, not a melting ice cream cone.

who could blame her though

Catherine continues to lay it on thick every chance she gets. She also is a 5 year old when it comes to dolphins.

Can I just point out that my Fantasy League pick just got the FIRST HOMETOWN DATE ROSE. Where's Casey Frobey? Hey Case- we done good buddy boy.

I would LOVE to see Lesley profess her love to Sean and have him just cut her off.

But she pussied out so, whatever.

I'm not going to address the cat fight or Tierra's traumatizing tears. That's too much alliteration and I will not stand for it.

I will bring this to everyone's attention though: "MEN LOVE ME"

On a serious note I would like to sincerely thank YOU, Sean's sister, for signing him up for this show and letting us all drool over his Herculean body.

Can it just be the Rose Ceremony now? I have about 40 slides of Renaissance art to get through and they are all of the Virgin Mary in a church so this needs to move along, pronto.

There are honestly no words to express my utter joy and relief that Tierra got the boot, only One Direction happy dancing gifs. Enjoy.

ROSE CEREMONY:

WAIT-no cocktail party.
WAIT-someone else is still going home.
WAIT-I've lost all of my dignity.

So he's sending Lesley home but Catherine feels that they have a stronger connection than she does?
Speak up next time, girl. Just because her hair is sloping to one hemisphere of her head doesn't mean she is a total weirdo.

NEXT WEEK:

I'm just as excited for hometown dates as the contestants are. I want to see who is responsible for spawning some of these people- except for AshLee of course because she was abandoned as a child if no one already knew that. 

see you losers next week

Four Hours Of My Life That I Will Never Get Back: Part 2

Majestic Canada. The land I accidentally sing the Genovian National Anthem to.

I  like the way you climb on those beaver houses, Seany Boy.

Let it be known, where there is a Bachelor, there is a chateau.

This place looks amazing. I'll go to Canada. See some moose and eat some of their freaky round bacon.

Sign me up.

Catherine's Date

Cue universal eye roll. 

Polynesian Princess finally got a date!  Someone tell me what the hell is a snow bus.

He's like a hot Paul Bunyan.

"I never get cold...when I'm with him." 

Please refer to this as a play date again.

Go ahead.

Do it.

Igloo time.

Is it just me or is she incapable of making eye contact?

I'm sorry you had a traumatic childhood experience, but you're really annoying.

These Group Dates Will Go Well When Hell Freezes Over

More canoes.

I actually give Sarah a lot of credit for canoeing.

All jokes aside.

This ain't a scene- it's an arms race.

Last one. I promise.

Excusez moi, Polar Bear Plunge?

Canadian Lifeguard: "This water is really freakin' cold eh. So uh...there's a chance that yer gonna get some hypothermia right aboot the time you jump in the water there."

Foreshadow much ABC?

Sean just threw out a YOLO. He's a YOLO guy now.

Selma lives by Meatloaf's words. "I would do anything for a rose...but I won't do this."

I'm with Crazy Selma. A Mr. Deeds foot is not cute. no no no.

The Loch Tierra Monster emerges from the icy waters and seems totally fine until she's not and convulsing in the arms of the Medical Squadron: Canadian Edition.

The bitch was still wearing her time piece.

Tierra is the only one whose makeup went coon status after the polar plunge.

Everyone else: "This was so cool. Best experience ever! OMG I loved it!"

Tierra:

I hear a sympathy rose calling her name.

Leslie: "She's like.. DY-YING from frostbite."

Sure, Leslie, that's what's happening. You can go re-comb your aggressive hair part now.

Sean appreciates Leslie. I don't appreciate her severe hair part. She has so much hair on that one hemisphere of her head I'm shocked her neck doesn't snap.

Sarah acts like a Kardashian/Janice from Friends hybrid who just took a bunch of NyQuil.

True life. 

Lindsay is an eager beaver. Watching them make out reminds me of Emily and Arie trying to devour each other's faces last season.

"Look at this photograph"- Sarah.

Proof that Nickelback lyrics and concepts ruin lives.

Sarah showed Sean her family photos and he just isn't feeling it.

Break the wrist. Walk away.

Pull it off, like a band aid.

This is a good thing, though. I was running out of arm jokes.

Desiree: Round 2

I look up from my laptop and Desiree is freaking out about repelling down a mountain.

What is with all of this outdoorsy business?

Take her to the movies Sean.

Go see Lincoln.

Fuel a political discussion.

A picnic in a meadow..next to some mountains with an awkwardly desperate brunette.

Am I watching Twilight?

Desiree lived in a tent.

Ew.

"I opened up about spending part of my life in a tent and now I'm falling in love in a tee pee."

I can see that quote sweeping the twittersphere already.

It has been scientifically proven that the following equation leads to the receiving of a rose:

Life-threatening date + story about childhood suckiness + "I just want to marry my best friend" = Rose City

ROSE CEREMONY

Selma needs to put her face on his face. Her strict parents will have to turn the other cheek and let their girl get what she needs.

Lindsay's inner child that is always present

She got it. Not sure if Sean was into it.

We'll see how the night unfolds.

Lindsay is a drunk thirteen year old Belieber trapped in a Young Barbara Streisand's body.

There's a lot of making out going on tonight.

 Do mono breakouts ever happen?

The herp?

I  just hope everyone got their flu shots.

Tierra hunted that dead animal hanging around her neck herself. She went out into the Alberta wilderness and lured it into a trap with her smokey eye and fake tan.

Selma and Daniella are outta here.

Selma is a big girl and will get over this quickly.

Daniella, you are 24. This is not your last chance at love.

Go to a bar.
Meet a guy.
Talk about...cheese.








NEXT WEEK

They get to go somewhere warm.