A 23 Year Old's Experience At The One Direction Tour Movie

Friends, Romans (AKA people I don't really talk to anymore but read this blog anyway because it showed up on their Facebook newsfeed- bless your little hearts-), countrymen, lend me your ears.

Gather round, ye merry readers

I am a One Direction fan.

And I don't care if you judge me.

Now as a totally non age-appropriate member of this fandom, I oddly feel no shame. 
There are guilty pleasures I have but I don't feel guilty about this at all. 

Disclaimer: Guilty pleasures include- Lifetime Movies, Instagramming until the cows come home, and leftover Chinese food being consumed before 10 am. 

I mean.. look at them. 

I attended a showing of the concert film Sunday night with a fellow 20-something who I went to the actual concert with at MetLife Stadium in August because we felt the need to re-live one of the best nights of our lives together.

NOW THAT'S WHAT I CALL FRIENDSHIP, PEOPLE. 

The theater was not packed, but obviously teeming with teenage girls and quintessential angst.

Only a few of them were wearing Uggs- PROGRESS.

The film begins with an interview with the boys, a few questions about tour habits, the new album, favorite moments from different shows across the world, a weird bit about some undergarments and a whole lot of Harry Styles looking like an absolute, curly-haired, adorable, new born baby otter with the sex appeal of 1960's Marlon Brando and a half-retarded puppy all wrapped up in a pair of skinny jeans and a bandana.

Just think about it. It eventually makes sense.

He is almost on the verge of becoming a young Keith Richards with Mick Jagger dance moves and let me tell you, Mr. Styles may be the source of many a teenage girl's sexual awakening.

It's happening...

There was an incessant amount of chatter and squealing as the interviewer asked questions and the mesmerizing accents of the band filled the theater.

Sharp gasps and excessive face-grabbing occurred whenever any of them spoke.

It was like those Rocky Horror participant screenings but with braces and excessive ugly crying.

Please note that the crying is not from excitement, but because they know they will never be this happy ever again.

You can see the hope draining from their souls

It wasn't until the actual concert footage from the Milan show in San Sira Stadium that there was a substantial surge of estrogen-fueled mania coursing through everyone's veins.

This doesn't help

A rather poetic soul sitting behind me shouted out some lovely phrases such as "YAAAAAAAAS" at the sight of Niall winking at the camera.

"STAAAAAAAAAHP" as Zayn hit the high notes in "You And I."

And my personal favorite "F&#! MY A$%,"  for when Liam was the only one on stage as the rest of band used the facilities.

There was singing and dancing and convulsions of grandeur during "Best Song Ever" and the classic, "What Makes You Beautiful."

Now you're probably thinking- "Marnie, where were these children's parents?" And I will tell you that there was one brave mother sitting in a seat on the aisle who looked on as an entire theater simultaneously sobbed and screamed with an expression that cried "You all need Jesus."

I can't speak for the others in that theater but I don't think I need Jesus. 

I need 8 million dollars and a fast metabolism.

And concert tickets. 

Definitely concert tickets.