Sunday, June 30, 2013

Those Moments When We Are All Arrested Development Characters

They may be the most unstable and ridiculous tv family of all time. But admit it, everyone can identify with a character from Arrested Development. 

We were all Michael when Kim and Kanye named their baby North West. 

We are all George Michael when we get home from school/work. 

We are all Gob when we don't get off the highway during rush hour. 

We are all Lindsey when finals week is over. 

We are all Tobias when it's swimsuit season. 

We are all Maeby when the wifi is not working.

We are all Buster when we move out of our parent's house. 

We are all Lucille when we see people from high school that went downhill. 

We are all George Sr when it's time for desert. 

Because let's be honest, the Bluth family is awesome. Just like us. 

Monday, June 24, 2013

Bachelorette Week 5: Yodel Ay He Hookay, What Am I Doing With My Life?


This week Des and the men sprechen sie cliche, petty, love bullshit in Munich.

Chris' Date

Praise Beyonce, Chris gets a one-on-one date. He's really the only completely normal one in the bunch. But just watch, now that I said that he'll have like, webbed feet and a twin brother growing out of his left shoulder.

Amongst the dude conference occurring in the common area of their hotel suite, I spy 7 hoodies in various colors, 3 henley shirts, and a few crew necks.

Bryden finally decides that this whole thing is ridiculous and Deseree wouldn't pick him anyway, so he sets off to crash her date with Chris so he can leave in peace. He uses his detective skills and asks various locals if they've seen cameras around the area- doesn't even attempt to speak the language- until a bewildered couple point him in the direction of Doofy Des dosey-doe-ing to Herr Schmidt playing the tuba and glockenspiel.

Bye Bye, Bryden

Des is an ugly crier. She also must have a closet chock full of sparkly dresses designed to blind her suitors.

"What are you looking for?" Des asks with a twinkle in her eye.
"Honestly?...Bobby Fischer" responds Chris, as he proceeds to read her lame poetry he wrote in his diary.

WHAT'S THAT?! A surprise solo concert?!


Group Date

Des takes the men up into the misty mountains of Germany.

Please oh please make them all wear lederhosen and yodel into the mountains.

Oh my god they have platters of jumbo pretzels in that igloo. I can't even focus on Brooks and his Rico Suave hair as he assaults her face with his face because those pretzels are so distracting. 

Mikey T drops the bomb that he wants three kids as Zak makes awkward and creepy advances towards the pair while STILL not wearing a remotely season-appropriate shirt under that down jacket. 

It's apparent that The Green-Eyed Monster has conditioned itself deep into Brooks' hair follicles when he sees Des and James cuddle in the igloo. 

Two-on-one Date

This is the first two-on-one of the season and to be perfectly honest, I feel such joy from seeing the men squirm. It's great because one of them is clearly a favorite in her mind but they don't know that so they are trying so desperately to get as much time and attention as they can to prove themselves worthy. Her voice over will let the audience in on how she really feels as one of the guys continues to embarrass themselves and awkwardly touch her hips or abdominal area in an effort to create intimacy.

"Today is Armageddon." Easy there, Betus Mike. He's so dramatic it makes me want to light myself on fire.

I think Desiree enjoys the weirdness and tension between the two guys. I mean, we all do, especially when Michael G brings up Ben's love child and relationship with his baby mama. Pump the brakes, Michael, you're coming off a bit douchey and Des might give you das boot (pun intended.)

Question: How do all these guys not lose their jobs while being away for three months to date some chick on TV?  RIDDLE ME THAT, ABC.

I have a feeling Betus Mike is drifting into crazy town and needs to pull a U-turn fast before getting on the Ass Hat Highway and then bearing right onto No Rose Boulevard.

That was maybe one too many travel puns, sorry I'm not sorry.

GAME CHANGER. Michael G gets the rose.

Rose Ceremony

Now there's a campaign against James and his sculpted eyebrows? When did all this bad blood occur? Was it the sensual face touching Mikey T experienced earlier in the episode or did it stem from jealousy of his meticulously oiled head?

No cocktail party, THANK BABY BLUE IVY.

Let's get right to the eliminating and heart-breaking.

Drew and Kasey are all concernicus about not being able to talk to Des before the the Rose Ceremony, but they'll need to get over it because this is a television dating show and there are RULES and you can't talk to your quasi-girlfriend whenever you want.

James is safe. Kasey and Drew are totally ticked off.

We'll miss you, Mikey T.

We'll miss you so much. 


James is the new Ben and they get to go to Barcelona so let me go cry into my pillow and dream of tapas and Las Ramblas.

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

I Don't Know How Much Longer I Can Do This: Bachelorette Week 4

I woke up early this morning so I could watch this show on my DVR and get this post out by lunch for you Bachelorette vultures. I'm going to be honest with you all and let you know that I won't be blogging about this show after this season because, frankly, my sanity is at stake. Snaps to all of you who can watch this week after week, season after season. I, however, am weak and can no longer endure the idiocracy forming before my very eyes. This doesn't mean I'll stop blogging. I'm in search of other shows to rip on.

This week Des and her dudes are in Atlantic City, New Jersey.
This week they'll mosey down the boardwalk and hang out on the abandoned carnival grounds- because this was filmed in February. This should be riveting.

Brad's Date

Zak W and Mikey T are somewhat weary about Brad's intentions with Desiree. "He's a nice guy, but he doesn't reveal a lot." Smart move if you ask me, because this is A TELEVISION SHOW DESIGNED FOR ENTERTAINMENT NOT ACTUAL RESULTS.

Des and Brad go on their mini carnival date- in February- while unknowingly being psycho-stalked by some of the other contestants from the hotel suite. Zak W is guilty of staring a little too long out that window, causing his already crazy eyes to bulge further out of his head.

A conversation between Brad and Des is practically non-existant.

Two lobotomized mutes would have a better conversation than those two.

Des makes an intelligent decision and lets go of Brad as soon as they get to the tippy top of the lighthouse. An appropriate altitude to be dumped so he has the long walk down to sea level to think about the sting of rejection.

B-Rad is bumming hard core because he realized he's boring. Tough break, man.

Group Date

Brooks refers to Des as a mystical Unicorn. Is that why you couldn't look her right in the eye when you saw her, Brooks? Are you intimidated by the unicorn magic?

Chris Harrison: Bearer of Embarrassing Group Dates and Heartbreak, fills the guys in on why they're really in Atlantic City.

Mr. America Pageant.

Okay, so it's a Bachelorette version but still, I'm expecting speedos and baton twirling regardless.

I can't tell if Michael 'Betus' G is being hilariously sarcastic when he talks about Mr. America being his dream.

I can definitely tell that Mikey T is NOT kidding when he says he's ready "to put on whatever I need to in order to win this thing."

Zak W wrote a song. He doesn't play an instrument or have any musical ability, but he wrote a song. EVEN BETTER- it's about "the experience."

Why, WHY do we do this to ourselves, America?

Not Host Chris is a little too comfortable in those heels. And they're hideously tacky as well, so that has me extra concerned.

For the talent competition, Brooks will perform a hot oil treatment on his hair, while reciting a poem he wrote entitled Princess Unicorn. Plus, he's got the pageant wave DOWN PAT.

I'm going to address Ben doing a ribbon dance in red capri pants because now it's burned into my brain and will haunt me for the rest of my life.

The post-group-date cocktail parties are a waste of time. Everyone gets drunk and gets mad at Ben.
Except this time Not Host Chris is reading her his journal. 

I think journal implies a 13 year old girl who rides horses, and is obsessed with her mom and it's not what I'm doing.

James' Date

"Hey I have a great idea for a date! Let's go tour the wreckage from a natural disaster."

Depressing. Just depressing.

But tragedy brings them together so...whatever.

I would rather watch this Jersey couple go on a date every week and bicker about how much ricotta to put in the lasagna than watch this show.

Oh wow. Here's a change of pace- A PRIVATE COUNTRY CONCERT.

Rose Ceremony

Bryden may not be feeling it.

Not Host Chris, it's in your best interest to not speak the words "friend-zone."

I feel the clock ticking on Juan Pablo's time in the game. He may have gotten a rose this week but I think Des can't muster up any more middle school spanish to keep them in comunicado.

Zack K gets the axe and chokes back tears in the limo ride to the airport.





Monday, June 10, 2013

If You Can Dodge A Rose, You Can Dodge a Ball

I woke up this morning and it's like nothing even matters. Game of Thrones is over and I truly don't know what to do with myself besides write this blog. I guess I could apply for jobs and line up interviews, I owe that much to the life of Robb Stark, the true King of the North. 

This week of Bachelorette nonsense not only has one but TWO stupid group dates. Oh joy, oh rapture. 


What should the first group date be this week? HA. What kind of question is that?! There's only one obvious choice, DODGEBALL. 

Poor Brooks hurt his widdle finger and had to go to the hospital. 

Michael G understands what Des means by love is a battlefield. These pumpkin sized balls flying at another set of balls proves they are true warriors. Did they have to buy the rights to those Pat Benatar lyrics? Oh you don't know who Pat Benatar is? You can go back in your bubble now. 

Chris Harrison is like the angel of misfortune for these guys. 

"Oh DAMN is that Chris?" 

"Run, man. He's gonna make us do something stupid for a flower again."

Too many tank tops. too much hair tossing. This isn't Mortal Kombat

Brandon and Michael G are excited because this is basically cage fighting. and their into that kind of thing. 

Who is responsible for wardrobe? Short shorts are only okay, sometimes

When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All I see is pork swords. 

Zack K. This is the first time I've actually noticed him amongst the other guys. Let me note that I only noticed him because he pulled a Brandy Chastain and was THIS close to ripping off his tight blue tank top and victory crying in his manssiere. Excuse me, it's a BRO. 

Could Brooks be pulling a Tierra with this injury?  Ouchtown, population you, bro!

After the dodgeball tournament Des gets some one-on-one time with some of the guys who have been neglected until now. 

Oh Brad, that is the most feminine voice I've ever heard. I'm sure your three year old son will suffer from being named after Angelina Jolie's first adopted kid. 

I don't think I can even listen to him speak anymore. This is just a big emotional dumping of things no one really cares about. 

Wait, when did Zak W become a drilling engineer? Is that a weird pun for something to do with ability to perform sexually?

Now I know who Mikey T reminds me of; everyone I would have never wanted to meet if I ever went to the Jersey Shore against my will.  

Chris, it's time to make a move. Bring her up to the helipad and work your front-runner/America's Favorite magic.

Is Brooks still hopped up on morphine when he comes back from the ER?
Have his eyelids always been that droopy? 
Brooks got a make out sesh.

But apparently a crushed set of digits isn't enough to ensure a rose for the evening. 

My ABC cliche senses are tingling.
HARK, what is that I sense?
It's here. 
Another private concert. 

I'm sure this is exactly what Kate Earle, the solo performer, imagined her career to be. Singing to an empty courtyard where two WASP-y twenty-somethings are awkwardly dancing and making out was always the plan. 

Bye, Bye, Brian

In the middle of her casual journaling session, Des' phone rings 

Oh, what? Chris Harrison is calling me. That's so random. I mean, this is my Bachelorette phone so it's totally random that the host of the show would be calling me on 

Apparently, some shady stuff is going down at the Chateau. Chris doesn't think the guy who did the bad thing should get away with it, so he insists that Des deal with it immediately before they lose the light for the shot. 

HEY CHRIS HARRISON. Where the hell were you during Ashley's Bachelorette season with creepy Bentley and his ulterior motives? Where were you then, huh? Probably in Aruba with Hot Ass Sean on a bro-cation. 

Brian is doing something sketchy...and Des is going to find out. 

In walks an overly dramatic and tanned female. 

"Hi, I'm Brian's girlfriend" Des goes in for the hug and total psyches this girl out. 

"Hi, I'm Stephanie. Don't hug me"

Brian you are breaking every promise you made in that rap video last week. "Right Reasons" REMEMBER?!?!

This is four people arguing over the validity of a relationship and 3/4 of them are wearing coral pink. 

Brian gets the boot. 

Kasey With a K gets a Date

Kasey is the only guy to get a one-on-one date this episode so it better be good, right? 


After the date technically started with Des facing betrayal and saying auf wiedersehen to Brian's two-timing butt. 


Meanwhile, Brandon ugly cried about his daddy/abandonment issues and Peyton Sawyer complex. He and AshLee from last season would be perfect for each other. 

"He's crying harder than me watching Finding Nemo."- Genna, friend and viewer.

James is rocking the pink shorts and shoe-polish hair look. You do you , James. 

What is she wearing?

This show should be called Desiree and the Sisterhood of the Flesh Colored Pants

So what is this now? 

Kasey With a K gets the extreme sports date. 
Theres always one. 
"Oh Jeeze", wheezes Kasey. 
His poor manhood must be strangled into oblivion after an entire afternoon in that harness. 

You know someone is getting the boot because the pool wasn't heated. 

Second Group Date

Second group date? 

Second, predictable, tacky, and pointless THEMED group date. 

Stuntmen training 101: presented by shameless advertising on behalf of Disney and the Lone Ranger, coming to theaters near you July 3, 2013. 

Zak W, better known as Crazy Eyes, is always super excited for anything. 

Cheese and Rice, James. I get some men wear pink. That's cool, I can dig it. But if the shade of pink is going to burn holes in my retinas and draw attention to your Beyonce booty, it's a no-go, homeboy. Stick with earth tones and crew necks. 

Juan Pablo sees the opportunity to use his exotic accent and speak in tongues that Des will find entrancing.

"He could be spoutin' off a recipe for pasta and no one would know."- Bryden

Juan Pablo gets the alone time. Words cannot describe my excitement for this language barrier to make things awkward. 

I'm not gonna lie, I'm jealous they get to see Lone Ranger. 

But I'm sure as Hell not jealous of how he basically violated her mouth while she was trying to eat popcorn. 

After Des gets her face devoured by Don Julio, Chris Harrison gives the guys the 411. 

SURPRISE NO COCKTAIL PARTY (Just a relaxed "chill" pool party where everyone can just hang out and be cool with each other and no drama or anything bad will happen and everyone will just bro out and have cannonball contests and flex their muscles and oh my God I have lost at least half of my brain cells someone help me regain intelligence and dignity. This show has taken everything from me). 

Ben is a dick. 

Plain and simple. 
He's wearing one of the those Bruce Willis in Fifth Element tank tops. 
You're not Corbin Dallas and this isn't the 23rd century so put on a regular shirt, GOSH. 

Brandon has a lot of feels. "I'm not gonna get emotional, I promise. I'm just going to go back into the chateau and bite my pillow." 

That's enough, Brandon. 
You can go shave your back now. 

The way the guys look at Des as she walks out of the hot tub is oddly reminiscent of how the slaves of Yunkai looked at Daenarys as she crowd surfed and they chanted "Mother" at her. 

Rose Ceremony

Senator Drew, the Zaks, and a few others are safe so far. 

They must hold boutonniere tutorials before casting the next Bachelorette because Des is a pro at putting roses on those lapels. 

If that were any one of us there would be blood everywhere and the producers would have to switch to a pain-free velcro system. 

Dan The Pants Splitter, with hair like a Ken doll, graciously exits after being burned by Desiree's rejection of love and goes on to direct the selling of beverages in Las Vegas.  Godspeed, Dan. 

Brandon is literally going to fling himself into the chateau fountain. 
I'm not crying. It's just been rainin... on my face. 
Brandon's mantra. 
I'm laughing at his pain.

I'm totally going to hell. 

I wonder if you're allowed to make friends in Hell. 

Or is it kind of like silent reading time, but with more fire?


Atlantic City.


Monday, June 3, 2013

Crank That Painfully Stereotypical White Person Dating Show

It's a miracle I can blog tonight because I'm still incredibly upset about the most recent episode of Game of Thrones. Should I even be allowed near a computer right now? I feel so vulnerable and betrayed. I'm not sure if I can trust television anymore. It'll be a long and rough road back.

What's on the docket this week for The Bachelorette? Naturally it's Souljah Boy, the most irrelevant rapper of 2013. I can just imagine the ABC producers now...

"Who's available? Nas? Cypress Hill?" 

I bet you they tried to call Tupac and were confused when he didn't return their calls.

Lets play a game called count the V-necks.

Brooks' One-on One date
What will the pair do for this season's first one-on-one?

As the men feverishly gather around ye old chateau fountain to watch Brooks and his hair ride away into the sunset with Des, one of them calls that Bentley baby blue. Listen dude, that Bentley is hardly baby blue. It's the color of my toothpaste. It's "Crest Blue."

Every time someone says "My future wife." 
The Hollywood sign. "You look over all of LA, you can't really see LA though through all the smog and exhaust from traffic on the Santa Monica Boulevard. But gee whiz, it sure is pretty."- Brooks

Lost in LA. Des is pulling another one of these dumb "I hired an actor to make my date feel uncomfortable/ I'm acting/I'm such an ACTRESS, right ABC I can ACT."

At this rate if Des keeps driving her dates everywhere I might as well refer to Brooks as Miss Daisy.

As Desiree brings up his parent's divorce Miss Daisy sheds a fragile tear.

As they scamper off away from the dinner table, we all know what's happening next. It's a private concert.
But it's not a country star SHOCK AND AWE, it's Andy Grammer who normally I wouldn't make fun of, but this is the price he must pay for going on this atrocious show.

Wasn't this song popular like 3 years ago?
Who finds the talent for this show?
Have they lost their job yet?
Can I have it instead?

Group Date




I need to know who plans these dates.

I need to know who does this to America.

How much does Souljah Boy hate his life right now? I'm thinking as much as his mother hates her own life for having a son named Souljah Boy.

Brandon has to jiggle his Willis and Doodleberries at Des and has no problem with it. No problem whatsoever. And Des looked. She looked HARD.

I can already tell this is going to be a quality rap video.

So many cargo shorts and high socks. Cargo shorts are unfair. I like how there’s barely enough room to fit a phone in the pockets of girl pants but in cargo shorts you can practically perform your niece's baptism.  

Zak W calls himself a buffoon. I can think of several more accurate names to call Zak W. 

But I have to hand it to him, he's killing it with this gift of a journal. 

Brandon wishes they didn't have to care about the rose and just be themselves. He just wants to bake a cake out of rainbows and smiles and they could all eat it and be happy. 

Everyone's hating on Ben. Let's ease up guys. It could be worse. He could be Kalon. Or Tierra. 

Let's be honest. It's the second episode and the contestants are already turning on each other. This isn't Survivor, its the glorified and slightly scripted version of The Dating Game featuring people who probably can get dates in the real world, but those dates aren't on TV, so the only logical life  choice for these people would be dating someone infront of the entire nation (and Canada). 

"I just wanna love you" says Brandon. Translation: 
Ben gets the rose. And everyone hates Ben again. Wasn't this beef just squashed? They're worse than a pack of middle school girls. 

Bryden's Date

Break out that flip camera Bry Bry. This is actually a legitimate real life- date situation. They already hit up the seedy gas stations and agreed on snacks. That's a HUGE step. 

After a short beach trip they head to an orange vineyard and then to Ojai. Are we supposed to believe that they actually drove all the way up to Ojai and didn't find a sweat lodge or organic hemp farm to film a scene at? That's the stuff this show needs. 

Casually, Bryden pulls his car wreck photos out of his pocket. 

I like Bryden and his use of car wreck pictures. I just wish he had better hair. 

I hope Des doesn't need to tell him to kiss her already all the time, otherwise she's going to need to drop it like it's lukewarm.

Cocktail Party

SHOUT OUT TO MICHAEL G FOR HAVING JUVENILE DIABETES. You work that betus Michael G, you OWN that betus. 

"My blood sugar was 800." Don't be such a pussy, Michael G.

Mine was 990. 

There's Ben lurking in the shadows. 

Okay, now I understand the Ben hate. I'm Team Ben Hate now. Don't interrupt someone's diabetes story, bro. We have needles and large sugar tablets that are like mini hockey pucks. Don't mess. 

Rose Ceremony

Juan Pablo has flown completely under the radar this week to the point where I forgot he was even Latino until he spoke and Des offered him the rose in Spanish. Ahhh 

Will, the minority contestnt, may be out this week. It's about that time unless ABC is trying to turn a new leaf. But that's what VH1, Flavor of Love and I Love New York were for. 

Brandon looked so nervous he was probably having hot flashes and holding in his submissive urge to pee. 

This week we say goodbye to the token black guy (obviously), Fetal Robert, and 'Who is that?' Nick M. 


Someone's ex-girlfriend comes and Chris Harrison gets involved, so it's either completely legit or another poorly planned and executed prank like hometown dates last season. 


"Right Reasons"

Yes, this video gives me the right reason to projectile vomit all over my computer while writing this blog. 
Why do I do this to myself. 
Oh that's right. For all of you.