Monday, June 10, 2013

If You Can Dodge A Rose, You Can Dodge a Ball

I woke up this morning and it's like nothing even matters. Game of Thrones is over and I truly don't know what to do with myself besides write this blog. I guess I could apply for jobs and line up interviews, I owe that much to the life of Robb Stark, the true King of the North. 

This week of Bachelorette nonsense not only has one but TWO stupid group dates. Oh joy, oh rapture. 


What should the first group date be this week? HA. What kind of question is that?! There's only one obvious choice, DODGEBALL. 

Poor Brooks hurt his widdle finger and had to go to the hospital. 

Michael G understands what Des means by love is a battlefield. These pumpkin sized balls flying at another set of balls proves they are true warriors. Did they have to buy the rights to those Pat Benatar lyrics? Oh you don't know who Pat Benatar is? You can go back in your bubble now. 

Chris Harrison is like the angel of misfortune for these guys. 

"Oh DAMN is that Chris?" 

"Run, man. He's gonna make us do something stupid for a flower again."

Too many tank tops. too much hair tossing. This isn't Mortal Kombat

Brandon and Michael G are excited because this is basically cage fighting. and their into that kind of thing. 

Who is responsible for wardrobe? Short shorts are only okay, sometimes

When I see them all running like that, with their things bouncing around in their shorts, I always picture them naked, even if I don't want to. All I see is pork swords. 

Zack K. This is the first time I've actually noticed him amongst the other guys. Let me note that I only noticed him because he pulled a Brandy Chastain and was THIS close to ripping off his tight blue tank top and victory crying in his manssiere. Excuse me, it's a BRO. 

Could Brooks be pulling a Tierra with this injury?  Ouchtown, population you, bro!

After the dodgeball tournament Des gets some one-on-one time with some of the guys who have been neglected until now. 

Oh Brad, that is the most feminine voice I've ever heard. I'm sure your three year old son will suffer from being named after Angelina Jolie's first adopted kid. 

I don't think I can even listen to him speak anymore. This is just a big emotional dumping of things no one really cares about. 

Wait, when did Zak W become a drilling engineer? Is that a weird pun for something to do with ability to perform sexually?

Now I know who Mikey T reminds me of; everyone I would have never wanted to meet if I ever went to the Jersey Shore against my will.  

Chris, it's time to make a move. Bring her up to the helipad and work your front-runner/America's Favorite magic.

Is Brooks still hopped up on morphine when he comes back from the ER?
Have his eyelids always been that droopy? 
Brooks got a make out sesh.

But apparently a crushed set of digits isn't enough to ensure a rose for the evening. 

My ABC cliche senses are tingling.
HARK, what is that I sense?
It's here. 
Another private concert. 

I'm sure this is exactly what Kate Earle, the solo performer, imagined her career to be. Singing to an empty courtyard where two WASP-y twenty-somethings are awkwardly dancing and making out was always the plan. 

Bye, Bye, Brian

In the middle of her casual journaling session, Des' phone rings 

Oh, what? Chris Harrison is calling me. That's so random. I mean, this is my Bachelorette phone so it's totally random that the host of the show would be calling me on 

Apparently, some shady stuff is going down at the Chateau. Chris doesn't think the guy who did the bad thing should get away with it, so he insists that Des deal with it immediately before they lose the light for the shot. 

HEY CHRIS HARRISON. Where the hell were you during Ashley's Bachelorette season with creepy Bentley and his ulterior motives? Where were you then, huh? Probably in Aruba with Hot Ass Sean on a bro-cation. 

Brian is doing something sketchy...and Des is going to find out. 

In walks an overly dramatic and tanned female. 

"Hi, I'm Brian's girlfriend" Des goes in for the hug and total psyches this girl out. 

"Hi, I'm Stephanie. Don't hug me"

Brian you are breaking every promise you made in that rap video last week. "Right Reasons" REMEMBER?!?!

This is four people arguing over the validity of a relationship and 3/4 of them are wearing coral pink. 

Brian gets the boot. 

Kasey With a K gets a Date

Kasey is the only guy to get a one-on-one date this episode so it better be good, right? 


After the date technically started with Des facing betrayal and saying auf wiedersehen to Brian's two-timing butt. 


Meanwhile, Brandon ugly cried about his daddy/abandonment issues and Peyton Sawyer complex. He and AshLee from last season would be perfect for each other. 

"He's crying harder than me watching Finding Nemo."- Genna, friend and viewer.

James is rocking the pink shorts and shoe-polish hair look. You do you , James. 

What is she wearing?

This show should be called Desiree and the Sisterhood of the Flesh Colored Pants

So what is this now? 

Kasey With a K gets the extreme sports date. 
Theres always one. 
"Oh Jeeze", wheezes Kasey. 
His poor manhood must be strangled into oblivion after an entire afternoon in that harness. 

You know someone is getting the boot because the pool wasn't heated. 

Second Group Date

Second group date? 

Second, predictable, tacky, and pointless THEMED group date. 

Stuntmen training 101: presented by shameless advertising on behalf of Disney and the Lone Ranger, coming to theaters near you July 3, 2013. 

Zak W, better known as Crazy Eyes, is always super excited for anything. 

Cheese and Rice, James. I get some men wear pink. That's cool, I can dig it. But if the shade of pink is going to burn holes in my retinas and draw attention to your Beyonce booty, it's a no-go, homeboy. Stick with earth tones and crew necks. 

Juan Pablo sees the opportunity to use his exotic accent and speak in tongues that Des will find entrancing.

"He could be spoutin' off a recipe for pasta and no one would know."- Bryden

Juan Pablo gets the alone time. Words cannot describe my excitement for this language barrier to make things awkward. 

I'm not gonna lie, I'm jealous they get to see Lone Ranger. 

But I'm sure as Hell not jealous of how he basically violated her mouth while she was trying to eat popcorn. 

After Des gets her face devoured by Don Julio, Chris Harrison gives the guys the 411. 

SURPRISE NO COCKTAIL PARTY (Just a relaxed "chill" pool party where everyone can just hang out and be cool with each other and no drama or anything bad will happen and everyone will just bro out and have cannonball contests and flex their muscles and oh my God I have lost at least half of my brain cells someone help me regain intelligence and dignity. This show has taken everything from me). 

Ben is a dick. 

Plain and simple. 
He's wearing one of the those Bruce Willis in Fifth Element tank tops. 
You're not Corbin Dallas and this isn't the 23rd century so put on a regular shirt, GOSH. 

Brandon has a lot of feels. "I'm not gonna get emotional, I promise. I'm just going to go back into the chateau and bite my pillow." 

That's enough, Brandon. 
You can go shave your back now. 

The way the guys look at Des as she walks out of the hot tub is oddly reminiscent of how the slaves of Yunkai looked at Daenarys as she crowd surfed and they chanted "Mother" at her. 

Rose Ceremony

Senator Drew, the Zaks, and a few others are safe so far. 

They must hold boutonniere tutorials before casting the next Bachelorette because Des is a pro at putting roses on those lapels. 

If that were any one of us there would be blood everywhere and the producers would have to switch to a pain-free velcro system. 

Dan The Pants Splitter, with hair like a Ken doll, graciously exits after being burned by Desiree's rejection of love and goes on to direct the selling of beverages in Las Vegas.  Godspeed, Dan. 

Brandon is literally going to fling himself into the chateau fountain. 
I'm not crying. It's just been rainin... on my face. 
Brandon's mantra. 
I'm laughing at his pain.

I'm totally going to hell. 

I wonder if you're allowed to make friends in Hell. 

Or is it kind of like silent reading time, but with more fire?


Atlantic City.


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