Tuesday, June 7, 2016

4 Hours Of Your Life You'll Never Get Back

Night 1

After last week's Rose Ceremony, the mansion is looking almost as disheveled as Chad's psyche. 

The tension in the house remains full of testosterone. So the announcement of the next one-on-one date can only bring a calming presence to a room full of surly dudes. 


Chase and Jojo head off to work on their downward dog.

With a super awkward yoga date comes a super shirtless Chase. 

Someone's totally going to fart.

Through heavy breathing and lap-sitting, Chase may seem simple, but those biceps are about to school Jojo.

Back at the house, Chad continues to whine.

"Why didn't I get a date? Why not me? Why is my nose bleeding? Why are my pants wet?"

While being hypnotized by Chase's bod, Jojo says "I've only known him for week but..."

Girl please. That was basically Juliet's thought process too.

And then she died. 



"I feel completed."

Okay, Jerry Maguire.

Are you gonna show her the money next?

Impress her with some quick facts?

Group Date


Big date. 

Big dudes. 

The sheer girth of this date is terrifying.

Tonight the gentlemen will be participating in essentially, The Vagina Monologues... but for dudes. 

Evan went where almost every other guy in the house has gone and called Chad out on his veiny meat stick arms. 

In a sad attempt to prove a point, Chad tried to kiss Jojo but was DE.NIED. 

According to Chad, no girl on planet earth ever chooses Evan for ANYTHING (besides fathering her three children).

Aside from James Taylor's adorable swing dancing date with Jojo, Chad downing root vegetables, and a lack of cocktail party, not much else happened in this episode. 

Side bar: James Taylor is a poetic and noble cinnamon bun with tweets that mirror his heart of gold.

Night 2

A warning for Chad, a fake apology for Evan, and an unsuspecting bachelorette. 

Well then...

This will be fun. 

I am thoroughly entertained by the synchronized swimming routine choreographed by none other than Corky Sinclair. 

Yeah, Jordan. Caress that kneecap.

Nothing turns a girl on like someone massaging her patellas.

"Even Chad seems to be having fun." CUT TO: Chad alone eating a live pigeon poolside with an entire head of iceberg lettuce. 

If Chad says "like" one more time I'm going to reach through the TV and shove 18 raw sweet potatoes into his pompous gob.

Derek fills Jojo in on the drama with Captain Calorie Counter, leading the latter to act like a 12 year old girl. 

"Why would you not watch the show?"

"Because I have a job and a life." 

Rose Ceremony

We know Chad sticks around because we have another hour and a half of this bullshit.

We say goodbye to Prince Ali, Santa, and Christian.


Luke is ready to finally get some alone time with Jojo and scare her off with his low-key desperation.

He chops wood and prepares the mechanism for their forest hot tub experience, nearly scalding Jojo in the process.

Throughout their boring-ass conversation, Luke rarely looks Jojo in the face.

He keeps staring off into the distance (at producers because he doesn't know what to say).

After a tender moment (or 5), Jojo and Luke mack it a bit before heading over to ANOTHER country concert to mack it in front of hundreds of strangers.

After a steamy evening of public affection and depressing death stories, Jojo thinks Luke would make a great husband. 

Where's the surprise private Fetty Wap concert? 

Chad spends his time watching a bear while soaking his meaty calves in the hot tub.

The cameras keep panning to his muscles and I can't help but notice his body is reminiscent of Steve Rogers' once he was pumped full of American spirit and ethnocentrism.

Or like, if the he was hulking out and just stopped mid-way.

Group Date

Naturally, physical competition is used to boost ratings. 

More blood.

More bruises.

And apparently... rapists.

Really, ABC? 

Ben Roethlisberger? 

The football skirmish takes an ugly turn when precious newborn baby James Taylor gets clipped in the eye and competes for the rest of the date looking like a taller, southern Rudy Ruettiger. 

Jordan's reliving the glory days while Evan ends up bleeding for the second time this episode.

Anyone got a tampon?

The winning team gets some intimate time with our Bachelorette while the other guys get benched. 

Robby comes out of the woodwork in his taupe loafers, rosette-clad lapels, and creepy AF voice.

Go home Robby.

According to the season teaser, you have a girlfriend at home ANYWAY. 


Before heading off on his date with Mike, Chad threatens Baby Rogers and demonstrates just how much of a sad, insecure human he really is. 

A considerably awesome/awkward silence fills the room as the guys wait with bated breath to join Jojo to by helicopter. 

This may be the most uncomfortable outdoor excursion meant to end in romance in the history of romantic outdoor excursions. 

For someone who doesn't want to talk about drama and the other guy on the date, Alex sure does seem super jazzed about dropping the Chad bomb. 

"I'm not an aggressive guy." Says the man who has torn a shirt, bloodied his knuckles, threatened the lives of others, and had personal security detail assigned to his person. 

I think Chad is forgetting one small detail... 


Serves him right to get left in the woods while Jojo goes off to cuddle with Alex in a tent or something. 

Knock, knock. 

Chaddy's home. 

Can we get some more security up in here, please? 

Thursday, June 2, 2016

Bro, Do You Even Lift (Your Luggage)?

This week on The Bachelorette, it's The Chad Show.

Please excuse me while I projectile vomit while this not-so-passive aggressive douchface gets the air time he thirsts for.

Group Date #1

Apparently there's a fire?

Can we throw Chad into it?

Can we get James Taylor to write a song about it?

Jojo is not properly dressed for a fire emergency. How are we supposed to take the drill seriously if she's not wearing the proper safety attire? 

What if Handsome Squidward (AN ACTUAL FIREFIGHTER) didn't win this challenge? 

I'd laugh. 

Baby Wells got a bit overheated.

Can someone get him out of the damn outfit?

This is not a competition to die over, Wells. 

"This is all just a ploy to have you talk to me."

That's a calculative little betch we've got here. 

Meanwhile back at the mansion, the guys are shirtless and writing a really stupid song for Jojo while Chad sits in the corner planning the American Psycho-esque murders of anyone who exudes happiness.

Back at the group date, Handsome Squidward "rescues" Jojo from the "burning" building by busting through a wall like the Kool-Aid Man.

After shaking the staged soot from their hair, Jojo and Handsome Squidward suck face for what seems like an eternity.

I'm over Handsome Squidward and his handsome face. 

But in the end, Wells gets the rose for his near-death experience, sending Luke to brood on his MySpace page where he tinkers with his Top 8 and changes the profile music to different Tanya Tucker songs. 

1-on-1 #1

Derek is ready to ride along with Jojo for their mystery date.

This date is basically like those Young Adult novels where you pick the scenario and how it effects the story.

Fingers crossed a mystical unicorn shows up somewhere down the line and Patty finally gets asked to prom by Aaron, the school loner but low-key rapper with heart of gold. 

A trip to San Francisco calls for mackin' on the Golden Gate Bridge (with a tantalizing view of Alcatraz in the background).

Back at the mansion Chad's talking about putting these guys in protein shakes and blending them together.

Okay... so maybe he's taking the Hannibal Lecter approach to these premeditated murders. 

Back on the date, Derek continues to be super adorable and Jojo gives his cutie patootie a rose. 

Group Date #2

I literally just watched grown men dance and then do a dizzy bat and then hold in vomit as they try to fake propose to a girl they've known for 3 days. 

That's romance. 

Chad continues to be talking pile of manure. 

Chad's not here to "act."

Chad's here to be "upfront" and "not fake."

Chad "tells it like it is."

Something tells me Chad and Donald Trump probably do lunch together on the reg.

Our knight in shining armor, James Taylor, steals the show with a song and beats out Chad for the #1 spot.

How sweet it is. 

But speak of the devil, here comes Chad.

A chat with Admiral Toolbox leaves Jojo mystified and hot for his bod.

She has no choice but to suck face with him.

But James Taylor gets the date rose and nice guys everywhere rejoice.

Cocktail Party

Apparently Chad feels like he needs more time to hypnotize Jojo with his bullshit and proceeds to freak out the rest of the guys by walking her into the cocktail party. 

This show is turning my brain into oatmeal because I actually squealed when Chase had it "snow" for his mini date with Jojo. 

Chad unhinges his jaw in an effort to stuff his face like an anaconda eating a baby cow.

They're called calves, Marnie. GAWSH. 

Is he a psychopath?

Or is it the just the meat sweats?

Daniel seems to have no interest in anything aside from how superior he is to everyone else.

The Rose Ceremony






The hipster departs. 

The Bachelor Fanatic runs home to his full DVR.

Will shall TP another mansion another day with a another girl. 

Next Week


I mean I'll make time but I'm not going to be happy about it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

Jojo Has No Words Aside From "You Look So Good"

We're back at the Bachelorette Mansion. Weren't we just here? Can I go home now?

I enter this new season with one thought.

How many pretty people is Chris Harrison friends with?

Jojo preps for months of polygamist-style dating with some of her closest ABC network gal pals, all former Bachelorettes themselves.

Ali Fedotowksy (who did not stay with her chosen bachelor), Desiree Hartstock (pregnant with her first child with chosen bachelor), and Kaitlyn Bristowe (currently engaged to chosen bachelor) offer their words of wisdom.

Ali: "Figure out who you really like and ignore them for a week."

Kaitlyn: "Kiss all of them on the first night."

Des: "Bleach your asshole at least 3 days before the Fantasy Suite."

Will she heed their advice?

Do I even really care at this point?

I can already smell a problem with this season.

85% of these guys are really good looking.

And they 100% are aware of it.


Here they come.

Grant comes out of the limo and will from now on be known as Handsome Squidward.

Aaron Rodgers' brother is already a top contender.

Mainly because he has a FANTASTIC jaw line and an ass that won't quit.

Damn Daniel, you are awkward and bad at introductions.

And after further speculation, a gargantuan piece of shit.

Coley is disgusting and most likely serves the Dark Lord.

The "hipster" seems more like a surf bum to me, but maybe I'm too mainstream to differentiate.

Wells coming in strong with the barbershop quartet.

Pastor Evan found a way to lift peoples spirits and flimsy peens!


Daniel embarrasses himself with tiny underthings.

Will tries to go for a kiss and fails to stick the landing.

The Pianist (not Adrien Brody, but Ali) foreshadows a turn of events by stating "We don't need any other guys in this house."

And guess who walks in...

Well, well, well. It's Jake Pavelka (The Bachelor in 2010, and Bachelorette contestant in 2009).

Not familiar with Jake? His publicist also sensed this and shoved him onto the show to... JUST GIVE HER ADVICE?

*cough* RATINGS PLOY *cough*

"Chad seems like a big tough man but i can see there's this very soft side to him."

It's probably his penis.

This night is quickly taking a turn. (Belly)Buttons have been pushed at this cocktail party, and the drinks are flowing to the point where some guys may get carried out with the pinot current.


"Daniel will you accept this rose?"

Girl, are you okay? 

Do you need a nap?

Some water?

A playback of the night's shenanigans?


Robby (definitely maybe) has a girlfriend.

Aaron Rodgers' brother has an ego the size of Texas and everyone is jealous of him.

Chad is the new Olivia.

The Marine's hair cannot handle humidity.

I'm so down.

Thursday, May 12, 2016

Jojo's League of (Subpar AF) Gentlemen

I know I don't really write here anymore because I have a job and a life and about 6 seasons of Nurse Jackie to get through on Netflix. But this batch of bachelors are BEGGING me to write this post.

In my opinion, Jojo has her work cut out for her this season. From what I've seen on the ABC Website, only a hand full of these guys seem even remotely promising.

Shall we meet some of them?

With his stressful job as "Hipster," we already know Brandon was into The Bachelorette before it was cool and is competing on this show ironically. He most definitely makes his own micro brew and has every Father John Misty album on vinyl "because it sounds better."

Judging by the name I thought ABC had messed up and accidentally casted a 12 year old girl who loves horses and writes fan fiction with centaurs and shit, but looks like it's just, well, this guy. 


Looks like Keith Urban had a baby with Billy Ray Cyrus and will get his achy breaky heart broken. 

The most Ben-looking bland man in the bunch. This could either freak Jojo out or keep him in the running until at least week 3.

James S.
Jimbo here says his occupation is "Bachelor Super Fan." He watches with his manicurist and Church group every week!

James Taylor

I'm not kidding. That's his actual name. He's seen fire. He's probably seen some rain. Did I mention he's coincidentally a singer-songwriter? Respect the ginger beard, but you know he's coming out of the limo with a guitar. 

James F.
Will last 3 hours into the first cocktail party where he will get sloppy drunk and a bit handsy before Chris Harrison himself will escort him off of the premises. Also, ew.

Nick S.
"Neckerchief Nick." That is all. 

Whether he be a prince (fabulous he, Ali Abawa) or strong as ten regular men (definitely), he could make it pretty far.

Voted Most Likely To Laugh Like John Travolta Playing Danny Zucko (and will probably get the First Impression Rose)

Good news Sandlot fans, Benny "The Jet" Rodriguez has come out of retirement, found the Fountain of Youth and joined this season of The Bachelorette

Coming in strong at 6' 2" (and a half) with Goodburger as his favorite movie.