Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Bachelorette Problems

One of 9876545678 selfies taken
   Now I'm going to level with everyone. I do not, by any means, intend to enjoy the Bachelorette/Bachelor before each season. But somehow, every time, I end up hopelessly devoted to the show- even if it makes me want to jump off the back of Titanic, Rose style. I really should place some blame on my mother and my friends for dragging me back to the well. Every season of this show starts with me, Kelley Anne, MEAGHAN and Devon (and sometimes Kyle) discussing who the next loser looking for love is. We hold a "weekly  meeting" where we gather 'round ye old HD TV and make fun of/root for the "contestants".  Last week was rough for me, the fistfull of assholes ventured to London, so naturally I am a sobbing mess because America is boring and I'd much rather be silently stalking Prince Harry and eating Snog than vicariously living through Sean as he takes endless selfies in front of Buckingham Palace. 

  This season holds a special place in my short attention span for the bluntness and overall interrogation style-approach that the Bachelorette, Emily, has adopted. I admire her calling out everyone on their shit...Ryan with his overall douche-baggery, Alessandro and his lack of Muzzy/Hooked on Phonics application with the word 'compromise', and let's not forget dear Kalon and his love for Lip Smackers and child shaped luggage. 

   On the whirlwind that is Emily's polygamist romance with 6 dudes, this week the sad bitch chose to venture to Croatia. I feel bad for her sometimes, because she's had two failed engagements and wears her PJ's out in public...but mostly because she kept DJ Stevie around for so long. 
SO- back to Croatia. Emily took Egg Man Travis on a one-on-one date around the city of Dvkbjsoduisghsdajkg, Croatia (the land of no vowels). They strolled around the streets and Travis squeaked out overly-positive responses to Emily and her nasty ass pistachio gelato as he slobbered all over it. That must have been when Emily realized he was more of a half-retarded puppy than he was a potential husband. She pulled the "no spark" card and crestfallen Travis ugly cried on camera and shame-peed in the corner before moseying back to Mississippi on one of the donkeys that Jon AKA "Wolf" sexually abused before the not-so-Croatian Highland Games. 

"Don't break eye contact on me, dude"
  The group date was sad, yet hilarious. Jef with one F (age 12 and minus one finger), made his hair do that flippy thing he likes, like he saw that guy in that band do one time. Doug and Chris looked like they were about to explosively shit all over each other while playing tug of war the wrong way, while Hot Ass Sean exceeded in all events and literally broke a 12 foot log with sheer strength and hair bleach. 

  Let us not forget what brought the men to these games, Wolf-raped donkeys and the completely age-appropriate Pixar film, Brave. How many times can you guys plug the movie in five minutes? The limit does not exist. Jef with one F was all "I like,relate to the movie, Brave, like,because that little girl was in danger of like, being a child-bride and like...so am I". 

  Way to completely mess with our minds about who you wanted to haster lavister this week, Emily. Wolf whipped out real, raw, emotions after hiding behind el burro all week so I get why you had to keep him around but toying with the audience about losing our precious, dear Seattle Daddy Dougie is just cruel. Good news though, Doug will see another day, as long as he learns to hug in non-awkward ways and not cry...like, ever again. 

  Oh HOW could I forget Speed Racer and Ugly Zach Braff Arie's petty attempt to get some action but "checking in on Emily" after she let go of Ryan. Is it me or does he always look a little jaundice in the whole facial area?  Que ev-ver Arie, we know you go back to Talladega once Emily finds out you schtooped a producer on the show. That is SO I Wanna Marry Ryan Banks.

Chris Harrison is lacing all supplemental roses with various strains of smallpox to make this season end ASAP. 


  1. Can't believe I didn't get a mention, especially in your latest post

  2. I love you. This is amazing.


Say what ya want- but if it's negative I'll cut a betch.