The Summer Games are underway and I am sobbing uncontrollably because I'm not in London. I miss that beautiful city and all it's wonder...I miss the Borough Market grilled cheese even more. The Opening Ceremonies always set the tone for the games and this year, Creative Director Danny Boyle is responsible for the $45 million show. If you're a movie buff like myself, you may know that Danny Boyle directed an Academy Award Winning film a few years ago, so expectations are high. Let's just say this better be as good, if not better than Slumdog Millionaire.
As Bob Costas chats with Tom Brokaw and his recently botoxed face, I think about how I fully expect the USA to rip sauce during the games and nab all the gold medals, per usual. Bob Costas says the word Stratford and I'm all Wait the Olympic village is in EAST London? Is anyone else worried about Ryan Lochte and his hot bod getting shanked? At this point I really need Bob and Tom to move away from Tower Bridge because the mere sight of it makes me gasp and groan with agony.
|Yes. a thousand times, yes.|
Now to Matt Lauer and...Meredith Viera? Hey Mere, I thought you were done with television? Give someone else (Ann Curry) a freaking chance. Paul McCartney is scheduled to perform at the end of the night and I have now peed my pants...without shame.
Ryan Seacrest now dominates three major networks that I watch and I want to do to him whatever they did in Gremlins to make them go away. Ry, you have your midget foot in E!, FOX and now NBC? Who hired you? I would like to kick them in the groin. PS- they asked you to interview the gymnasts because you're all the same height and can bond over the pains of reaching for things on the top shelf and driving with a booster seat. I already don't like Gabby "The Flying Squirrel" Douglas. She thinks she's hot shit because Marta Karyoli gave her a nickname.
The show is starting and people are emerging from a thatched house and...wait...are they hobbits? Am I in The Shire? Pan to Harry, William and Kate/Cate (pick a spelling and go with it). Back to The Shire where the bad guys from Gangs of New York are watching factory towers magically come out of the ground.
Now I'm crying.
Kenneth Branagh AKA Gilderoy Lockhart from HP quotes The Tempest, how British.
Now hordes of people are emerging from the factory towers and they are all dirty and wearing aprons. Am I missing something? Are there supposed to be pitchforks? Is this a scene from Frankenstein? The Top Hat Clan is now doing some type of dancing. Are we stomping the yard or churning butter? The cast of extras in this production is interesting. It probably took that dude three weeks to grow those mutton chops and perfect that mono-brow.
Here comes Sgt Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. They hope we will enjoy the show.
Meredith Viera comments: "It looks like they're forging some type of of massive ring, Matt". One ring to rule them all. So...we've left The Shire and have now taken up house in Mordor.
Aside from some confusion, I am entertained yet continuing to bawl my eyes out as those little kids sing across the UK countryside.
|"I'm over it"|
Sidenote: I want a corgi. The Queen is the baddest bitch in the game and her lack of enthusiasm throughout the night proves how much of a hipster she could be if she lived in Brooklyn. I have to admit that the James Bond bit was actually awesome and Prince Philip is loving every minute of it. And I know what you all were thinking when that helicopter showed up, Oh, great, here's Kalon.
The children's choir breaks out the National Anthem- "God Save the Queen", and I want to know- who's the American dick who copies the UK national anthem and changes the words to "Let Freedom Ring"?
To represent the UK's sketchy health care or something like that, a bunch of kids in hospital beds get wheeled out by real doctors and nurses (according to Matt Lauer). Now I feel like I'm watching a Lady Gaga video with all of these hospital beds and nightmarish things roaming the arena.
As I get up to retrieve tissues and buckets to fill with my tears, JK Rowling starts reading something and I'm like HOLY HIPPOGRIFF BATMAN. Now I'm really losing my shit. Wait-is that the child snatcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang? Giant Voldemort? A meth-head Captain Hook? Where am I? Where's my mommy?
HAVE NO FEAR SMALL CHILD ACTORS, Marry Poppins is here! But not even Mary Poppins can defeat that giant baby head that is both haunting and slightly reminiscent of Baby Grace from Friday Night Lights.
I have no words for Mr. Bean. For a second in that beach jogging scene I thought that was Michael Fassbender...it wasn't. He looked more like Greg Kinear anyway, disappointing.
Now a transition into the digital age. Very well done, but they lost me with the interchanging real-life and pre-recorded versions of this love story. I mean, It's cute how they are running with giant glo-sticks and it's supposed to be like the London Underground, but in reality the tube isn't teeming with neon and sequin-wearing teenagers, but a lingering foot aroma and strangers who stare just a little too long.
|Cracked-out outfits and dancing is always appreciated|
Cut-to Matt Lauer interviewing Michael Phelps, who suffers from extreme goggle tan and slow-blinking syndrome. It's alright Mike, we still love you.
Parade Of Nations, better known as the "I've never heard of there!"game. Seriously though... these are countries?
These announcers reading off the names of countries/delegations remind me of the two headed thing that announced the pod races in Star Wars Episode One.
Anyone? Anyone? No? Whatever.
I bet you Liz II is just sitting up in her fancy shmancy box thinking... "Look at all these countries that I used to own".
What the hell are Independent Olympic Athletes?
As for you, Israeli athlete with his flag shaved into the side of his head, all I have to say is Oy vey.
People live in Madagascar?
|Gold Medalists in Tackiness|
I dig the Netherland's orange pea coats.
I'm appreciating the number of ELO songs being played at this point in the show.
AND HERE COMES THE USA! Every one's looking fab in their berets and blazers thanks to Caroline Scott hollerrrrrrrrrr gurllll.
Harry looks pissed because it's past his bedtime and his Nanna wouldn't introduce him to James Bond.
I demand more Arctic Monkeys. Can this OC playlist be available on iTunes anytime soon, please? Well done Danny Boyle.
As Arctic Monkeys plays "Come Together", human doves ride bikes up into the sky...when did this become E.T?
As the nations walk into the arena, I have to wonder, what's with the human barriers? This isn't a wicken prayer circle, guys.
Sir Paul McCartney ladies, and gents. Paul segues into a Peter Brady version of "Hey Jude" as everyone cries crocodile tears and I look up airfare to Heathrow.
Did anyone else think it was a tad rude of Sir Paul to leave out all the trannys in the audience when asking everyone to sing along? Just the men, now just the ladies, I can't hear you- do any of you even know the words?
This spectacular show was so magnificent and full of style that I ended up in the corner eating my hair until my parents got home, forcing me to pretend like I wasn't absolutely distraught from the Opening Ceremonies.
And to think that I have to live through two whole weeks of this. PURE. TORTURE.