Sunday, July 22, 2012

And The Winner Is...: The Bachelorette FinAHlee problems

"It's me, bitches"
  OH EM GEE GUYS. Emily done snatched herself a man! I'm so happy that this "experience" is over and West Virginia Barbie and Jef With One F and Ricki are able to spend some quality time together at Gymboree. Emily doesn't have to worry about Ricki at Chuckie Cheese anymore, Jef is there to be her play date and frolic in the ball pit until Mommy's teeth bleaching appointment is done!

  It was a long road for these two love birds. Who would have thought the hipster on the skateboard would be the one!These last few episodes have kept me on the edge of seat as Emm-o sent home some prime beefcakes (HOT ASS SEAN) and went with a more vegan selection (JWOF/Arie Saladfingers). She's shot birds, swam with dolphins, and been serenaded by Miss Dolly Parton herself all while being orally assaulted by Arie's tongue and freakishly large talons. Kudos, Em.

  The night started off with meeting the parents. At this point in the show, Devon admits that Emily's dad is kinda cute and that his coral button-down is working for a BIG way. JWOF is the first up to bat and knocks it out of the (little league) park when he poetically professes his love for Emily. Does anyone else think JWOF's responses are Hallmark card worthy? After gushing over Solamente Efe Jef, Emily's family has seemed to put this first dude on a pedestal. I am almost led to believe that Mr. Maynard may take Arie down to China Town if he doesn't match up to his new future grandson son-in-law.
In between fixing her extensions and pronouncing "finale" wrong,
Em and Chris enjoy some selfies backstage. 

  Emily's brother, Ernie, obviously struggles with being on camera and makes us all feel uncomfortable enough to wish that Arie would just get there already and mack on Emily... yeah, THAT uncomfortable. Arie waltzes up to Ems looking more jaundice than ever. It's like he was slapped in the face with buttercup blossoms or developed severe anemia since embarking on this journey for love and free vacations. He then proceeds to caress her face with his frisbee hands and swaddle her face with his tongue. Ew. It is at this time that I realize I dislike this pair together because I can't stand to see something that yellow in the face get with something that yellow in the hair...and his mom would corrupt Ricki and get her to wear sequined bras and tacky fabrics.

  This is the most airtime Little Ricki has gotten the entire season. This kid is so happy to be around her mom and new best friend, JWOF- she's feeling like Glen Coco during Christmas. I just feel bad that Ricki's gram and gramps refer to her as "Little Ricki"... can I get a "BABALOOOOOOOOOOOO!"...? Aside from the nick name, LR struggled walking the cobblestones of "beautiful" Curacao with Mommy and line-leader Jef in those kitten-heeled wedges.
When the kid runs out to greet the newly engaged couple, my mother boldly says, "SHE HAS BREASTS". LR needs a training bra Ems, lend her the one you used before the uni-boob surgery...or make sure her cotton tops are a dark grey and more opaque.

"I mustache you to explain yourself, Emily"
  By far the most emotional part of the entire show was Emily having to say goodbye to Arie. The super-not-so-secret meeting with Chris Harrison exterminated any building anxiety I had about the end of the show and replaced it with pure excitement for her crushing his frying-pan heart. Is that a little mean? Whatever, he'll have women throwing themselves in front of his drag racer and offering to take his mother shopping the second he gets off the plane in Scottsdale. We find Arie in the strange, bad ju-ju filled bog where he concocts a love-potion (which he clearly is going to be needing) like a voodoo child. Emily can't pull herself together and starts to ugly cry-right there in the backwoods of a dodgy Caribbean island- to a point where Arie is awkwardly consoling her not aware that she is about to rip his heart out of his jaundice body and stomp on it. It'll be hard to stomp in that too-skinny maxi dress Ems, you're not Morticia Addams. In a nutshell, Emily cries, Arie cries, Arie gets pissed, walks away, Emily (in HOT ASS SEAN fashion) runs after and tries to explain herself while Arie struggles to accept that he got beat by a twelve year-old.

  I can't even touch upon the proposal scene. Too mushy, too scripted, too many pots without plants in them. I mean, Ben proposed to Courtney on top of a freaking MOUNTAIN. Ashley and JP got a gorgeous wharf scenery on the shores of Figi, and JWOF gets the back lot of a Lowes flower department? Lame.

After the Final Rose was weak. Arie and Emily were extremely civil and I was looking for a chair to be thrown or, HOW ABOUT THAT JOURNAL? Doesn't ABC know the first rule of AFR? "The best way to spread Bachelorette cheer is reading private journals aloud for all to hear" DUH.

  Anyway, Congrats Emmy-poo and Jef With One F and A Fiance and a Seven Year Old Play Date!!!
  JWOFaAFaaSYOPD? We'll stick with the first one.

 Now who will be the next Bachelor? Arie? Doug? HOT ASS SEAN? Chris Harrison? Can they let Brad Womack back for round three? We'll see in January I guess. Until then, we have Bachelor Pad and Jef's twitter to keep us entertained.

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