Monday, July 2, 2012

Hometown Date Problems: The Bachelorette

Good news, everyone! Emily and the men have returned to Amurrica! Bad news, everyone! We have to sit through Emily "feeling intimidated" by Jef With One F's sisterwives, Arie's sequin-studded-bra-strap-wearing mother, Chris' violent head movements and Sean trying to sneak his tongue into and/or around Emily's porcelain-veneered mouth- It's like she's wearing a friggin' flipper...this isn't Toddlers and Tiaras, Emmy poo.
"On a scale from zero to Polish, I'm batshit crazy"

Let's see how many things the production crew can find that say CHICAGO on them and pan to those as Chris stands behind Emily while sweating profusely and breathing heavily. His neck practically unhinges itself as he professes his love to her AGAIN and shows her some rando Polish restaurant that conveniently is empty. Is it me or are they always drinking really diluted wines and not eating on this show... like, ever. Of all the places to eat in Chicago, you take her to an empty Polish restaurant and don't even order pierogies...
Let's cheers to meeting my family, who is Polish, if I didn't make that apparent, and getting hammered before doing so. 

Deuces to all my LDS brothers and sisters
Jef With One F has brought Emily to the compound family ranch. Jef With One F's letter-neglecting parents unfortunately are off doing "charity work" and can't meet Emily at this time- but his brother and his wife, and his other-other wife, and his other-other-other wife and their baseball team of children are there to judge Emily after she casually shoots some clay pigeons before meeting a family that toasts with lemonade. TOASTS WITH LEMONADE. Are we getting it? Please also note how none of 
J-W-O-F's (abreevs are great) sisters wore tops that showed their shoulders or clavicles, while Emily looked down right whore-ish in her knee-revealing sundress with spaghetti straps. 
Jef With One F thinks Emily looks hot with a she still that hot when she takes her teeth out at night? Who knows. 
Emily is obviously losing her mind over J-W-O-F and his Jimmy Neutron hairdo and he wrote a really cute note thing for her that didn't have any mentions of nail polish or Chloe bags- leaving this viewer to remain confused about his sexuality. 
He must have been so excited to be able to take Em out in that dune buggy thing- just got his permit!

"If you don't speak Dutch, then fuck you"

Arie's face no longer shows signs of yellow pigment but his hands are still the size of frying pans. So funny thing about Arie is...his dad is this like, super famous Indy racer from Holland and is super loaded and it also turns out, Ricki's father's family owns one of the largest racing companies in the world or something and they have buttloads of money that they are dishing out to Emily, but they aren't to happy with her right now because she's running around the world sucking face with another race car driving legacy. Looks like Emmy's got a type... fast and loaded. Did Arie's mom give anyone else the heebie jeebies? Her frock kept falling off her shoulder as she was shit-talking in Dutch (right in front of Emily) and you could blatantly see her tan-sequined bra trying to make an escape from that heinous turquoise top she found in the juniors section of the Scottsdale Macys. 

We FINALLY get to HOT ASS SEAN and his Texas McMansion. It's his parent's house but it's still huge and has a freaking fairytale-tea garden-dream house in the back for his pretentiously named niece, Kensington (and her equally pretentiously named brother, Smith). I was personally excited when Sean revealed that he still lived at home and was going to show Emily his room. "This is my Cheryl Tiegs poster...". But it was SO much better. The naming of the stuffed animals had me basically ready to punch a baby because H-A-S (abreevs again!) was severely making me doubt his hotness as the camera panned over the cookie crumbs and dirty socks that had exploded in this room. A sigh of relief followed when Sean revealed it was all a joke and he didn't live at home. Emily was all "LOL smiley face there's stuffies all over, you're just like Ricki, holy freaking crap get me out of here before this fake smiling breaks a veneer". And then of course Sean does some more lustful running after Emily per usual and goes in for one last kiss-WITH TONGUE- to seal the deal, #classy. 
"I still live at home"..."I still think you're a beefcake"
Rose Ceremony: 
Arie is upper-lip sweating more than normal and Chris is ready to jump off a cliff. Sean is sunburnt? No, his hair just makes him look more red than normal (still hot though), while solamente efe Jef buzzes the sides of his head some more to get a crop circle effect that the chicks at Urban Outfitters find really trendy. Emily has big Texas hair tonight - I sensed a Bump-it?- while Chris Harrison is straightening up the framed pictures of the dudes, because that's all he's good for on the show these days. Emily talks for a while about how hard it is for her to make this decision and how bad she will feel about the family she met that will now obviously loathe her entirely. Woody makes a prediction which he shares with me, my mom, and Devon "I know who's going home... I feel it in my heart, I know who it has to be", that's deep, Dad. When Emily says Sean's name and Chris contemplates drowning himself in the Chateau fountain, we all scream with joy because the Woodman's heart was right and #psychokiller Chris is outta here- but not without being a total bitch to Emily and trying so hard not to ugly cry. I expected the ugly cry the second the door to the limo was shut, or slammed, but Chris held it together...until he started going off at the camera and praying for a Freaky Friday switch with one of the remaining victims men. 

So now we have a quandary. HOT ASS SEAN, Jef With One F, and Less Attractive John Travolta/Zach Braff are the remaining lovers (I'm incredibly disgusted I used that word... I only really condone it's usage when between the words "meat" and "pizza") In true Bachelorette fashion, these gents get to go to some Caribbean Island I have never heard of. Have fun in paradise boys, one of you is going home but all three of you are definitely getting some ass... depending on if Emily brings back the donkeys from the Croatian Highland games. 

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