Monday, January 26, 2015

Even #Snowmageddon Can't Stop This

Look outside your window- does it look like a white, wintry Hell? Welcome to New England (or the Tri-State Area). If you don't see that white devil rain all over the street, congratulations, I wish I was you.

Much like the icy winds of Winter Storm Juno, these women are being all kind of crazy.

Group Date #1

Kelsey is a self-proclaimed "natural person" so naturally, she's dating a guy who is also dating 12 other women, who all live in the same house.

Chris is really in his element on the lake, paddle boarding, shirtless, watching Breakdances with Wolves go commando amongst the other 5 girls.

Meanwhile back at the house, the remaining contestants meet Chris' sisters and scare them with Jillian's ass.

Is there just one dude on the production crew that is solely responsible for that censor bar across her donk?

Whatever the case may be, Jillian is not making good impression on the sisters.

Chris' sisters are interrogating chatting with the women back at the house to see who is the least neurotic and would look good with a pitchfork in her hand.

Jillian may or may not try to dead lift one of them.

Chris announces that the group will be camping out at the lake site and Kelsey's head just exploded due to her being so high-maintenance that she makes me look outdoorsy.

Jade is concerned about being a wallflower in a house full of maniacs. She may be dead behind the eyes and have her "own line of organic makeup," but she's tolerable and if she makes Jillian stress-eat  800 kalteen bars then she's cool in my book.

Back at the campsite Kelsey laughs like a 1993 Julia Roberts while Onion Ashley somehow is still in the running (thanks to a note from her psychiatrist and a helpful nudge from the producers).

You can almost smell Ashley I's desperate determination to sneak into Chris' tent in the dark of the night. Reconsider, Ash- he won't be able to see your Kardashian look without a flashlight (even though you could land a plane on those false eyelashes).

I'm convinced that Chris is making out with everyone just to get them to stop talking. Seriously, these women have the diction of a high school sophomore who got dropped off at the mall to shop alone for the first time and she's currently in a Twitter-fight with half of her class.

One-On-One Date 

Jade is getting the princess treatment. Jewelry, shoes, a dress, the works.


The theme of the date was inspired by... oh, this is a shameless movie plug. Can someone explain to Disney that this might be the wrong demographic for promoting their latest fairytale reboot?

Ashley I is going to fling herself into the fountain during Jade's princess date. Her mascara will run, her lashes will deflate, and hopefully she ugly cries like a Kardashian too.

Group Date #2

Wedding dresses?


Oh wait its a MuckFestMS?

Jillian is glad she juiced up on the plane and tears up the obstacle course while others fail miserably and Chris helps straggler Becca.

Chris and Jillian sit on top of a hotel and play a weird game of Would You Rather after she runs her mouth so much that Chris gets totally turned off and doesn't give her the rose.

Jillian will be fine. Her local Crunch Gym will surely spit out some beefy Hanz & Franz clones for her to work out with 87 hours a week.

Rose Ceremony

Mackenzie is there to talk Ashley I off the ledge and convince her that her "boyfriend" WHO THEY ESSENTIALLY SHARE is still into her even though she's never let anyone near her downstairs.

Becca drops the bomb that she too is as pure as sugar cane and in one fantastic swoop Ashley I's thunder is stolen and all is right with the world.

Britt drops a truth bomb on Chris, demanding why lewd behavior is being rewarded with roses and he gets super defensive and makes a statement to the rest of the ladies.

Goodbye, Onion Ashley, you were entertaining for a bit, then concerning, then entertaining again.

Adios, Sad Julia.

Au revoir, Nikki. We hardly (and didn't) knew ye.

Next Week

Kelsey gets even more annoying.

Monday, January 19, 2015

I've Never Been So Happy To See Jimmy Kimmel.

Another week, another 12,000 brain cells lost.

At least this week we have Jimmy Kimmel to shine a light on the idiocracy that is The Bachelor Franchise.

I'm sure you all have been counting down the minutes until tonight's new episode, waiting to see if Jillian the Body Builder will launch into a fit of roid rage, if Breakdances With Wolves will twerk her way into another Rose Ceremony, and if the alien inhabiting Onion Ashley's body will finally punch its way out of her stomach because its had enough of this crapola.

Jimmy's here to help Chris find the woman with the biggest heart, because he already knows who has the biggest boobs (himself). 

Look at those pectorals.
One-On-One Date #1

Kaitlyn (AKA Breakdances With Wolves) is up for the first solo date this week.


Say what you want but Costco is an incredibly romantic place. The aisles are littered with sample stations, cases of toothpaste to last you well into the next millennium, and Nutella jars the size of Gary Coleman.

After shopping for a dinner with Jimmy and rolling around in an inflatable hamster wheel, the pair awkwardly chortle and make out to the point where Dances' lipstick has stained the lower half of Chris' face and he looks like he just won a cherry pie eating contest, or is getting in touch with his feminine side. 

Color me crazy, but it seems that Dances is more into Jimmy than Chris. Maybe that's because she likes it when people openly mock her, but this gigglepuss needs to settle down.

Group Date

Chris, Jimmy, and the women head to a make-shift farm for this week's group date.

Cruise ship Singer Carly finally gets her day in the sun (or like, 5 minutes under a heat lamp) and is prepared to chug the thick, warm, sour milk of a goat for a chance to mack on Prince Farming.

No group date is complete without a competition. The tasks include shucking corn, catching chickens, cradling  eggs, milking the teat of a goat, and grappling with hogs.

This whole "challenge" is incredibly phallic and full of double entendres when you sit down and think about it.

Can we address what the hell is up with Olga From The Gym's (Jillian's) ass? Homegirl's badonk will have a censor bar over it for the duration of filming.

It's too quiet on the Onion Ashley front. Will she pop out of the ficus and massage someone's earlobes while Love Boat Carly holds back her lactose-intolerant vomit to boldly kiss Chris?

Chris continues to just snog every one of the women because he's a dude and Jimmy Kimmel is right, THAT IS PRETTY MUCH THE WHOLE POINT OF THE SHOW. 

You gotta shop around before you buy, ja feel? 

Becca is getting a lot of air time all of the sudden and completely blows her chances of sticking around by going in for the hug rather than a smooch, but she had her reasons and you have to respect that. And you have to totally love the face Onion Ashley made when Becca got that rose. 

One-On-One Date #2

Quit your bitching and helium-huffing, Whitney. You finally got a date... and you both are wearing the same shade of fluorescent dead flamingo pink. Match made in heaven. 

What a coincidence that after talking about how Chris is into beautiful, spontaneous women, there's a wedding going own down the hill and they're going to crash it. 

Chris: Okay, Whitney here's the deal. We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Whitney: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
Chris: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Whitney: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. 
They bullshit their way through the wedding, get chummy with the mother of the bride, blatantly lie about their identities and sneak a slow dance. Chris was so into it that he ran off and stole a rose from one of the flower arrangements and offered it to her. 

The Rose Ceremony

Ashley I might be the most pathetic basic bitch in the whole bunch. 
"I really wanted to do my Kardashian look tonight, and now I'm just going to have to look like the vapid waste of space I am on the inside."
 Oh wait- same thing then, right?

This girl is clearly used to getting everything her way so she throws a bitch fit when something doesn't work in her favor. 

This woman speaking about her late husband is so uncomfortable it should not be televised. I agree its a discussion she needs to have with Chris but not necessarily with the entire country as well. 

Miss Olympia Jillian is two margaritas away from putting Chris into a headlock and body slamming him into that hot tub. 

This week we say goodbye to Amber the Bartender who doesn't want to talk anymore, Nameless Brunette who is super supportive of the rest of the group, and Trina Who Bleaches Her Asshole. 

Next Week

Ashley I eats corn looking like she just lost a Kardashian look-alike contest and took some quaaludes to ease the pain. 

Can Jimmy come back every week? 

Monday, January 12, 2015

Honestly, I'd Rather Be Watching Vegas Vacation.

This episode starts off super serious.

As serious as a show that is basically a polygamist's vacation can be. 

"Kimberly walks back in."

Let's be real. No one knows Kimberly by name. We know her as the girl who did NOT get a rose, but hung around and demanded an answer from Farmer Chris.

Kimberly is looking haggard in this early morning light as The Bachelor talks her off a ledge and lets her stay. 

The other vultures  women are waiting, bow-legged and boozed up, with roses all over the Chateau.

To their shock and dismay, Kimmy is back in the game BECAUSE SHE SAID PLEASE. 

The next morning/mid day, Chris Harrison dishes out the date cards while Chris dons his royal blue hoodie sans t-shirt because it says "I'm formal, but I'm here to party." It also says "My mom always told me to arch my back and stick out my chest because my pecs are my best feature and blue makes my eyes pop."

Group Date #1

Pool party...?

They're drinking what looks like Mike's Hard in tumbler glasses. Knowing this bunch, someone is getting their stomach pumped later. 

After making the women walk a mile in their bikinis along the 405 (I don't actually know what LA highway that was, I'm just applying what little knowledge I have of that side of the country) They finally roll up to a bunch of tractors, because WHAT ELSE would they be walking to? 

"It doesn't get more country than tractors in downtown LA." Unless you just married your cousin and the thresher is the wedding chariot driving you away from the shack where Cousin Leroy keeps his moonshine. 

So not only are we watching one man date 15 women at once. We are watching those women sit on tractors that are moving approximately 8 miles per hour and acting like they're in the Indy 500. 

Reality television is riveting. 

So riveting, I didn't notice that the group date just turned into a one-on-one date when Chris asks Fresh Out the Womb Mackenzie to join him for the rest of the evening. 

Mackenzie is absolutely annihilating her chances at a rose with her talk of noses, aliens, and the fact that she has a child named after a leafy green. 

No offense to Mackenzie, but she's a total dip. 

One-On-One Date


Megan, the girl who banged her head on multiple hard surfaces within Chris' living quarters. 

Megan says she cannot believe that she was picked to be the first solo date "this season." 

She's aware that this is a television show. She hasn't lost all of her brain cells...yet. 

Megan and Chris fly in a helicopter over the Hoover Dam and 100% think, That's where they filmed part of Vegas Vacation. That is the only thing I know about the Hoover Dam. I want cheese fries. 

They talk about some pretty heavy stuff on that little rock near the water. 
Chris is so nice and so obviously uncomfortable with this emotional over-share that he just has to kiss Megan to pull her back off the edge of ugly crying.

She gets a rose and this is literally so boring I start watching Vegas Vacation on YouTube. 

Chevy Chase is a national treasure. 

Group Date #2

I hope Chris dresses up as Jigsaw and asks the women to play a game. 

This show would get better ratings if Drunk Tara had to saw off Trina's foot or if female body-builder Jillian scooped the weird break dancing girl's eye out of its socket. 

An equally sadistic move would be locking the women in a room with Kelsey as she laughs like a neurotic Julia Roberts for hours on end. 

This date is not just about paintball, this is ZOMBIE PAINTBALL. 

Onion Ashley (you know who I'm talking about) should not be allowed near any kind of weapon, paint-filled or not.  

I wouldn't give that girl a water gun. 

Channel your inner Rick Grimes, ladies, apparently Chris is into a La Femme Nikita thing.  

Onion Ashley is actually frightening, but not as frightening as Wasted Jordan's description of Jillian's hairy downstairs. 

Is Onion Ashley drunk? 
Did she pop too many Xanax? 
Did she challenge Megan to a head-banging contest and forget the helmet? 

Chris is in deep with Britt. So deep he wrote a note that rhymed so he could mack a bit.

Breakdances With Wolves gets the rose and I fear Chris' judgment may be clouded by the flock of eagles she has tattooed on the back of her biceps. 

The Rose Ceremony

The Virgin Ashley is asking for wishes to be made on her torso jewelry and mackin' so hard.
Britt is realizing what she signed up for.
Drunk Jordan is living up to her nickname. 

What. A. Night. 

Jillian began to accept a rose that was not offered to her. She must have been a little antsy after juicing up and doing a couple dozen squats. 

Onion Ashley just got a rose. 
Has Chris been huffing tractor fuel?

Drunk Jordan and Tara would have been way more fun (but only slightly less stable). 

Buh-bye now, Cheery Flight Attendant whose name I don't need to remember. 

Adios, Second Time Around Kim- you tried. 

Next Week

Jimmy Kimmel, the man who provoked this iconic tweet below, comes to the rescue. 

Monday, January 5, 2015

I Immediately Regret This Decision

I know nothing about this Bachelor.

I hear he's a farmer.  A farmer in search of love. A farmer in search of love on a television show.

The jokes basically write themselves.

I'll give him a chance though. After all, Chris is just a buff Old (Hot) McDonald looking for a flock of over-eager, masochistic women to hang out with amongst those 6,000 acres of corn.

Chris Harrison is there with a megaphone doing his best James Earl Jones impression.

We're 2 minutes in and I hear the words "Iowa is God's country."
Of course the state is more fondly known as "The armpit of the Midwest's armpit."

I already hate myself for doing this again.

As the cameras pan up to the chateau, I wonder- How many drunk dental hygienists are going to fall out of the limos onto the cobble stoned fountain?

At least 3.

The limos roll up. A pair of high heels attached to 5' 4" of self-loathing stumbles out of the door.

"Are you Moonlight Graham?" Chris asks.

"No one's called me Moonlight Graham since I left the Fresno Gas-N-Go to hitchhike here." Says the generically-named white woman with too much makeup on.

There are going to be Field of Dreams references, people. Deal with it.

If one of the contestants chokes on a hot dog it'll just be too much.

I spy Trina, and yes, she DEFINITELY bleaches her asshole.

Tara chooses to "just do her" and not dress up because "that's her", but then goes and changes into a cocktail dress and heels to do a second impression.

Something tells me she's taken 6 glasses of chardonnay to the face already and is just getting started.

I like Tara.

Jillian the news producer who can also do a round off back handspring thinks she's cool because she ~dead lifts~.

I don't like Jillian.

Then there's the girl who announces that she's going to tell a joke because when she tells a joke it breaks the ice and everyone usually laughs. This girl will not go far in life.

Everyone is super curious as to why there are ten less women competing than in other seasons. I'm more concerned with the Sisterhood of the Statement Necklace congregating in the live studio.

The women continue to awkwardly smile and make small talk as Chris tries to converse with each one for as long as the producers tell him he has to.

Amanda is the inspiration for Tim Burton's newest film "Big Eyes," scaring children and sound-minded adults in theaters (and now TV screens) nationwide.


Jealousy is raging even after Carly the Cruise Ship Singer serenades Chris looking like a cracked out cupcake.

After some unnecessary break dancing, drunken onion accusations, and a troubling "I wish I was a polygamist right now" utterance, we arrive at the Rose Ceremony.

Chris is just whipping out names like he's taking attendance and Drunk Ass Tara is driving the struggle bus.

Is it wrong to say that I still like her? She might be my spirit animal. SHE GETS A ROSE.

And the losers are:
  • The Cadaver Salesman
  • The Realtor from Scottsdale
  • The High School Soccer Coach
  • A Bunch of Other People
  • The Yoga Instructor (or not?)
The agonizing journey continues next week. 

I expect nothing but jealousy, secrets and private concerts on solo dates.

Quote of the night: "I would rather chew glass and wash it down with a bag of hair than lose." - Unknown Enraged Women (Probably the weird break dancing girl)