Monday, January 12, 2015

Honestly, I'd Rather Be Watching Vegas Vacation.

This episode starts off super serious.

As serious as a show that is basically a polygamist's vacation can be. 

"Kimberly walks back in."

Let's be real. No one knows Kimberly by name. We know her as the girl who did NOT get a rose, but hung around and demanded an answer from Farmer Chris.

Kimberly is looking haggard in this early morning light as The Bachelor talks her off a ledge and lets her stay. 

The other vultures  women are waiting, bow-legged and boozed up, with roses all over the Chateau.

To their shock and dismay, Kimmy is back in the game BECAUSE SHE SAID PLEASE. 

The next morning/mid day, Chris Harrison dishes out the date cards while Chris dons his royal blue hoodie sans t-shirt because it says "I'm formal, but I'm here to party." It also says "My mom always told me to arch my back and stick out my chest because my pecs are my best feature and blue makes my eyes pop."

Group Date #1

Pool party...?

They're drinking what looks like Mike's Hard in tumbler glasses. Knowing this bunch, someone is getting their stomach pumped later. 

After making the women walk a mile in their bikinis along the 405 (I don't actually know what LA highway that was, I'm just applying what little knowledge I have of that side of the country) They finally roll up to a bunch of tractors, because WHAT ELSE would they be walking to? 

"It doesn't get more country than tractors in downtown LA." Unless you just married your cousin and the thresher is the wedding chariot driving you away from the shack where Cousin Leroy keeps his moonshine. 

So not only are we watching one man date 15 women at once. We are watching those women sit on tractors that are moving approximately 8 miles per hour and acting like they're in the Indy 500. 

Reality television is riveting. 

So riveting, I didn't notice that the group date just turned into a one-on-one date when Chris asks Fresh Out the Womb Mackenzie to join him for the rest of the evening. 

Mackenzie is absolutely annihilating her chances at a rose with her talk of noses, aliens, and the fact that she has a child named after a leafy green. 

No offense to Mackenzie, but she's a total dip. 

One-On-One Date


Megan, the girl who banged her head on multiple hard surfaces within Chris' living quarters. 

Megan says she cannot believe that she was picked to be the first solo date "this season." 

She's aware that this is a television show. She hasn't lost all of her brain cells...yet. 

Megan and Chris fly in a helicopter over the Hoover Dam and 100% think, That's where they filmed part of Vegas Vacation. That is the only thing I know about the Hoover Dam. I want cheese fries. 

They talk about some pretty heavy stuff on that little rock near the water. 
Chris is so nice and so obviously uncomfortable with this emotional over-share that he just has to kiss Megan to pull her back off the edge of ugly crying.

She gets a rose and this is literally so boring I start watching Vegas Vacation on YouTube. 

Chevy Chase is a national treasure. 

Group Date #2

I hope Chris dresses up as Jigsaw and asks the women to play a game. 

This show would get better ratings if Drunk Tara had to saw off Trina's foot or if female body-builder Jillian scooped the weird break dancing girl's eye out of its socket. 

An equally sadistic move would be locking the women in a room with Kelsey as she laughs like a neurotic Julia Roberts for hours on end. 

This date is not just about paintball, this is ZOMBIE PAINTBALL. 

Onion Ashley (you know who I'm talking about) should not be allowed near any kind of weapon, paint-filled or not.  

I wouldn't give that girl a water gun. 

Channel your inner Rick Grimes, ladies, apparently Chris is into a La Femme Nikita thing.  

Onion Ashley is actually frightening, but not as frightening as Wasted Jordan's description of Jillian's hairy downstairs. 

Is Onion Ashley drunk? 
Did she pop too many Xanax? 
Did she challenge Megan to a head-banging contest and forget the helmet? 

Chris is in deep with Britt. So deep he wrote a note that rhymed so he could mack a bit.

Breakdances With Wolves gets the rose and I fear Chris' judgment may be clouded by the flock of eagles she has tattooed on the back of her biceps. 

The Rose Ceremony

The Virgin Ashley is asking for wishes to be made on her torso jewelry and mackin' so hard.
Britt is realizing what she signed up for.
Drunk Jordan is living up to her nickname. 

What. A. Night. 

Jillian began to accept a rose that was not offered to her. She must have been a little antsy after juicing up and doing a couple dozen squats. 

Onion Ashley just got a rose. 
Has Chris been huffing tractor fuel?

Drunk Jordan and Tara would have been way more fun (but only slightly less stable). 

Buh-bye now, Cheery Flight Attendant whose name I don't need to remember. 

Adios, Second Time Around Kim- you tried. 

Next Week

Jimmy Kimmel, the man who provoked this iconic tweet below, comes to the rescue. 

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