Monday, January 28, 2013

Bachelor Week 4: You're a Jaw Breaker, Dream Taker, Earring Giver Don't Ya Mess Around With Tierra

Forever drooling...
I need to start off this week's post with a statement. Sean is too nice for this show. There, I said it. Emily eliminated guys left and right last season and had no problem being a bitch and using Ricki as an excuse to keep a pre-pubescent skater around until the very end. Sean is pure of heart and abdominal muscle and frankly, too good for any of these women.

As soon as Chris Harrison walked into the room I could smell the desperation and anxiety radiating from my television screen. Leslie H. is pretty much ready to jump out of the Bachleor helicopter , sans parachute, if she doesn't get a one on one date this week.

Selma: Wilderness Explorer
Congrats on the long-awaited one-on-one, Selma. We see that you have your yabbos all pushed up for the occasion. You're so classy. As soon as they board the private plane they're all over each other and have spent about one hot minute face to face. She was legitimately laying across him and had her elbow dangerously close to his business.

Selma: "You took the Iraqi to a desert."


With her breastuses all pushed up
Sean's an outdoorsy guy. I bet you Selma has never set foot inside a tent. Who am I to talk though, I'm outdoorsy in the sense that I get drunk on patios.

Me: "I can't go away with you on a rock climbing weekend. What if something's on TV and it's never shown again?" Really, though.

When Sean tells Selma that they will be climbing a huge rock, I totally read the subtext in Selma's fake enthusiasm. Wow this rock is like, super tall. Is there an escalator? Or like, a monorail?

I can't be alone in enjoying watching her struggle at the beginning of the climb. I can't be. You are all liars.

Selma's inner 12 year old. 
That harness is really emphasizing your bulge Sean.

This is the most whiskey tango date I've ever witnessed. Trailer parks and boxed wine.

"I can't kiss you. My mom would have a conniption." If your mom saw Sean's pecs, I'm sure she could look the other way.

Group Date Derby
This week's over-thought group date: Roller Derby. AshLee is a sweetheart but as boring as CSPAN. Here you are with the opportunity to literally beat the extensions out of your competition. Just think of it as organizing your silent rage.

Amanda lied about doing roller derby before just to screw with everyone else. I find this brilliant and incredibly entertaining. For the moment I am pro-Amanda.

The moment has passed.

I want to see some broken collar bones and pride during this date.

Once again, all of these women are uncoordinated and failing at the athletic parts of the date. They aren't soul skaters. Haven't they ever seen Brink?

My mom thought it was horrible that Sean made Sarah skate with one arm. I disagree. She talks about how she's no different from anyone else all the time and he shouldn't treat her differently because of her condition. This is just an opportunity for America to witness her falling down like any other two-armed person would.

Hey Sarah, ever think that maybe you just suck at roller skating?

Naturally, AshLee is being a saint and literally lifting Sarah up from feeling sorry for herself 800 times everyday.

I looked down at my phone to check Twitter for ONE SECOND and the next thing I know someone is face down on the ground, making weird noises. Please let it be Tierra.

Damn, it's just Amanda.

YES! I spy a cracked chin. That's karma for lying about your derby skills I guess.

Did anyone else catch Sean saying "Bye Babe!" as they gurneyed her away? Puke.


I feel like it is appropriate to have a whole section of this post dedicated to the train wreck that is Tierra.

Whats her roller derby name? The Psychologically Deranged Treasure of Tierra Madre?

This girl has got the Kim Kardashian ugly cry DOWN PAT.

"I don't want a sympathy rose." They don't give those out to just ANYONE, Tierra. Besides, Amanda is second on the list after Sarah.

"Why should I live a life of torture every day and be uneasy?" BECAUSE YOU SIGNED UP FOR A DATING GAME SHOW, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.

Every time she cries I feel like I am watching a Regina George prototype. I hope she gets caught hooking up with Shane Omen in the projection room above the auditorium.

She is the puppet master. Throwing another bitch fit to get attention and air time. 

Poor Sean is under her spell, like Spencer and Toby. If 'A' really existed it'd be Tierra. Quick, someone search her luggage for red sharpies. 

I had to hold back chunks of vomit while watching Sean be nice to Tierra and then give her the rose. 

Those are strings, Pinocchio. 

Leslie H., Walkin' Down The Street

Prius Mouth finally gets thrown a frickin' bone, and the nicest pair of diamond earrings ABC can afford.

"OH MY GOD, THIS IS LIKE PRETTY WOMAN." If you mean you and J Roberts have the same Billy Mouth Bass lips, then yes, this IS just like Pretty Woman.

He took her to Rodeo Drive.  Big mistake. Big. Huge. 

Sean: "Everyone talks about Pretty Woman. Richard Gere gives Julia Roberts whatever she wants."

...Because she's a hooker and he is paying her to be his escort.

Should he be THIS into putting her outfit together?

They are too friendly to be potential lovers. I knew it - the connection just wasn't there. I hope he knows she's going to hurl herself into the Pit of Despair when she doesn't get that rose.

Buck up Les! You got some glitzy earrings out of it. Most women just get the trampled heart and spirit. At least yours came with a goody bag.

Sean's just weeding the garden and you were a really tall, smiley dandelion.

Rose Ceremony

Sean opens the floor for any questions or concerns anyone may have.

Tierra's sanity? Show of hands? Hands? 

Robyn makes me feel awkward. I think she makes Sean feel awkward too.

"Do you want some chocolate? Which chocolate do you want? We can just kiss it out." I think he's lactose intolerant now.

"Tierra requires more assurance than any other woman in the house." RED. FLAG. BRO.

Eliminated This Week: Amanda

They say that snitches get stitches but apparently so do bitch-faced liars. Hope that chin heals and leaves a grotesque scar, Mandy.

Next Week On The Bachelor

Robyn is "...gonna make this the Bad Girls Club." Of course she is. She's a real hood bitch these days.

Tierra turns into a streaky eyed popsicle on whatever ridiculous group date they all go on. What is it going to be this time? Spelunking in caves for rare algae specimens?

Next week I'm enforcing a mandatory Bachelor Drinking Game: Hot Ass Sean Edition.

Monday, January 21, 2013

Bachelor Week 3: Bump, Set, Spike the OJ So That Bitch Falls Down The Stairs

The claws come out tonight. 
Monday came quick this week didn't it? Not that I mind. Classes don't start until Wednesday and I was eager to sit back, relax and enjoy some pectorals and pettiness before the semester pulls me into a black hole of academia and coping with graduating.

Stating The Obvious: 
Sean: "I'm really digging a lot of women."
Good to know, some people out there may think you like to take your sandwich with a pickle.

Robyn is in it to win it.
"Lets go ditch these bitches and go fall in love FO REAL." You go gurllll.

I now have more respect for her than before. It's not a lot of respect, but lets just say that the backflops are forgiven...maybe not fully forgiven but we're getting there.

Lesley M's Date

At first Lesley was NOT impressed with the Guinness World Records date. But Sean is quirky and loves bragging about his dad being in the book for driving for frickin' ever.

"Let's break our own record."

Don't even tell me you're going to kiss the longest.

Wow, you are actually going to kiss the longest.


When Chris Harrison announces that their lips must touch the entire time, Lesley doesn't have to time to tell Sean about her herpes flare ups or adult pallet expander. AWK-WARD.

How long is this going to go on?

"We're kissing...and we're kissing...and we are kiss- sing."

Finally, they break the lamest record in the book and we can now move on with the most inappropriate PDA date in history.

Question: What happens if Lesley M is one of the last girls he picks but he goes with the other girl and then she's standing there screaming
I love you if you get the reference

And Sean's reaction would be a resounding NO.

Lesley: "Sometimes my family is more fun than my friends are."

Maybe it's time to get some new friends.

Is it just me or is it painfully obvious that she doesn't know what to do with her hands...or her glass.
Yeah go ahead, just perch that champagne flute on his beefy shoulder.

Group Date

Just I think that the group dates can't get any more random, you're going with beach volleyball, ABC?

I just want one time for there to be a group date where Chris Harrison comes out in a crazy-ass wig and says, "We'll be doing a Bachelor Hunger Games! May the rose be ever in your favor."

Sean: "This isn't going so well."
Ya think?
Both teams are terrible. Tierra is ready to pull a Tonya Harding and take a bitch out.

I told you Hunger Games would be a good idea. Except it would be called "Hungry For The D Games."

The red team loses and now Kristy (who has magically appeared) is sobbing. 

My fantasy league pick is redeeming herself to the max tonight. Lindsay played the best friend card. She's in. And even though she got a little sloppy the first night, I still like her.

Kacie B. has taken it upon herself to bring drama to Sean's attention, except it's dramatic to the extent that a seventh grader would find this to be oh em gee status, not a grown ass man. Kacie, you are  making yourself look really stupid right now.
Sean has seen the crazy.
Your plan is failing.
Go and consult with your 12 year old friends on what emojis you can use to convey your sanity when you text him later.

AshLee's Date
Professional Organizer, AshLee, gets to go on her very first one on one date tonight and she's a woman with a plan.
"I'm gonna talk about my adoption."
 Laying it nice and thick for the first date. Well done.

Oh but wait,
Tierra eats it HARD on a flight of stairs. Obviously she's concussed, her dome piece just got rocked on a tiled staircase.

"I JUST WANNA BE LEFT ALONE!", cries Tierra as she is writhing on the floor.

ABC doesn't want to get sued so they're trying to persuade Tierra to go to the hospital while she's throwing a bitch fit. Meanwhile, the OCD personal organizer waits in the kitchen as her biological clock is ticking away and she develops conspiracy theories about the validity of Tierra's injuries.

Sean and AshLee get to Six Flags for their romantic date and Sean throws in a surprise. Hold up Sean, two girls who suffer from chronic illnesses get to go on your date with you?
Diabetes is a chronic illness.
Can I go on your date with you?
C'mon it'll be great, we can mess up AshLee's purse organization and you can let me touch your biceps.

Cute date guys, I don't really dig amusement parks but, it was cute.

Sean: "I can feel the love coming from your heart."
Vomit vomit what else rhymes with vomit?This scene. 

Oh but now my eyes are tearing up because her story is really nice and she's not that nutty anymore.
Plus she made Sean cry.
She made the man CRY.
AshLee you are fine by me. You may even be Fantasy League Pick material.

Rose Ceremony
Sarah is stumped (pun intended) as to why she didn't have a date this week, so Sean wants to show her that she's still on his mind.

Outside the Chateau:

Sean: "SURPRISE, ITS YOUR DOG, you ungrateful wench."

Meanwhile, back inside:
Tierra wants to punch some walls. And everyone else wants to punch her face.

She made a mean joke about who got the other one on one date and Sarah almost nubbed her in the face.

Everyone hates Tierra.

She is, essentially, the Lance Armstrong/DMV Line of the Bachelor.

Tierra's fan club
Shouldn't there just be a color-coded chart to schedule all of this alone time with Sean?  AshLee could professionally organize it for everyone.

At this point Sean is ready to kick Kacie B right to the Chateau curb. She'll be working the corner on Hollywood Boulevard before you can say Brad Womack Round Three.
He says they're better off as friends. But we know the real truth.

Tonight Sean says goodbye to Taryn and Kristy. Tough noogies, ladies.
You'll get 'em next time. 



I'm already preparing my Whip It references.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Bachelor Week 2: Jump Then Fall Into Downward Dog And Breeeeeeeatheeeee

Alright ABC you got me- Open up with a shirtless, weightlifting Sean every episode and put some water on those Adonis abs and I will voluntarily sign up for the next Bachelor, the army, a colonoscopy, whatever.
Hiiiiiiiii Sean
It's obvious from this episode's promos that Tierra is the new Courtney. Her head is spinning around and she's yacking up green gunk as Sean talks to other chicks and gets more air time than her.

Some of these contestants are such wet noodles, ie: Katie the yoga teacher.


Sean's favorite number must be el numero uno. I mean, it IS a ONE on ONE with a ONE armed lass.
"I'm like... through the roof" says Sara as her eyes glaze over and a production assistant wipes the spittle from her chin.

Question, Sara- Are you going to harp on your MIA appendage every episode or can we assume that you trust we all will eventually get used to your Black Knight status.

"Have at you!"

OK WAIT. Didn't Emily and Creepy Chris jump off of a building last season?

ABC- do less. I'm sure they'd be happy with horseback riding on a beach or visiting a prosthetics shop.

Is this supposed to be a metaphor for jumping into love together? Yeah, I took a high school English class once- I can see the signs in an epic(ally scripted) love story.

Oh cheese and rice, she's bringing up her arm AGAIN.

Ignore my arm, but listen to me tell this story about how my disability effected me negatively. Pay attention to my arm.


"I hope I'm not overshadowed by bigger personalities"- Katie, the painfully boring yoga teacher.

So...this is going to be a trashy-romance-novel-photo-shoot kind of date.

Does this make Sean Fabio? Who generates the ideas for these dates? Tyra Banks?

Sean: "I'm seeing another side of Leslie today"
Yeah...her cleavage.

Oh the model gets the three book cover deal? WOAH DREAM BIG.

Kacie B: "I know Sean, we've done a few events together before" BECAUSE THIS IS A FRANCHISE.

Catherine, graphic designer from Seattle and Polynesian princess: "I'm vegan but I love the beef".
She wants the D. You're from Seattle and competing on a reality dating show, both of those things were as obvious as Jodie Foster's sexuality.

Selma, you're scaring me. I have no words for you.

Yoga Katie is feeling uncomfortable. She goes into child's pose and is never seen again.

Kacie B has been taken out of the friend zone. Then placed on Tierra's list of "People Whose Shampoo Needs To Be Replaced With Nair".


I want to marry my best friend, and when we are 80 and look old and busted, she better be able to take a freaking joke- Sean

Oh Sean you practical jokester. 

The name of the fake sculpture literally translates to "Chicken Little".
The sky is falling.
And so is Desiree's recollection of how PUNK'D works.

Sean: "I want to marry my best friend"



Werk that bumpit Kacie B.

Lindsay is trying to redeem herself, sans veil and bouquet. Snaps for you, Lindsay.

Amanda is being a sour lemon and her dress reflects it. Homegirl came to play and is riding pine all the way to the Rose Ceremony.
Get over yourself, Mandy

at least she's consistent
Robyn: "So, there's a whole mess of ethnicities here...explain" 

Sean: "I've been prepared for this question since 10th grade debate club"

Thanks, Selma. I just learned Arabic. So now I have an interesting fact that I can use in my Homeland audition.

Robyn has got some OPINIONS. Girl, go write a blog or something, for sobbing out loud.



Hasta Nunca, Brooke and Diana. I don't even know who you are, so...bye.


Tierra slips on a banana peel and breaks a heel. All hell breaks loose.

See you next week

Monday, January 7, 2013

Bachelor Week One: First Impressions and Getting Crunk

It's like he's photoshopped. 
Hot Ass Sean is back and has prepared his oiled abs for our entertainment. I've waited 5 long months for this spectacle to grace the small screen once again, and I was NOT disappointed.

I'm not addressing the bromance between Frying Pan Hands Arie and Sean. I just can't and I will not. It was funny and made me think for a second that Arie was the new Chris Harrison, fortunately I was mistaken.

I love you, Man. 
But where do I begin? There were so many things to harp on in the first 30 seconds of the show let alone the entire two hours devoted to this Greek god of abdominal perfection.

Like I said I'm not quite sure how to start this off- perhaps we'll just dive right in, yes?


Let's go.

"I'm sure that most guys would want to date someone with TWO arms...but i just have the one"- Sarah, lacking limb.

The girl with a nub for an arm

Am I allowed to make fun of this?

Probably not, but long ago I accepted the fact that I may be going to hell for some of the things that I find amusing. One time I laughed at a blind guy eating spaghetti.

But no worries, I'll bring sunscreen.
SPF 150+, even though nothing over 30 really has any effect...allegedly.

As the women emerge from the limos, Sean's smile widens with each awkward first encounter. Apparently what really gets him going are knuckle tattoos with presumptuous meaning behind them. Tierra was the first contestant (because that's what they are guys, this is a television show) to receive a rose. She flashed her open heart knuckle tat and told Sean she hopes he will be the one to complete her.

Okay, Jerry Maguire. The human head weighs eight pounds, what else ya got?

Ladies with ties, wedding dresses and sub-par gymnastic skills

Ashley P. Is this chick 50 shades of cray cray? I think all signs point to yes.

As for Runaway Bride Lindsay, pump the brakes girl. You just met him and yes, he is gorgeous and way too nice as you try to sloppily dance with him to NO MUSIC, but don't try to mack it on the first night- especially when you admit that you aren't the most sober substitute teacher at the moment. Your school district must be so eager to hire you now.

"I don't really know what to do with my hands"
Sidenote: Of course Drunk Bride is the girl I picked to win on my Bachelor Fantasy League. Yeah, things like that exist.

I know I'm not alone in saying that there were a few too many bachelorettes getting wasty-pants at the Chateau tonight. Am I right? I always am. Ashley P. (50 Shades of a Prescription for Xanax) was not only riding the struggle bus at this cocktail party, she was driving it... into a wall... going 80.

As for the other not-so-train-wreck ladies, there may be some hope, as long as no one else attempts a back walkover or round off.

Back flips to black flops. Rough life, girl. Is that the best idea when you're in a long dress and on cobblestone? I have your answer, it's a No.

Tough break for the Jumbotron Operator from NY. You were pretty ballsy in demanding to know why Sean was handing out roses willy nilly, maybe that's why he said peace out before you could tell him you also get to run the Zamboni at Ranger games.

Can we all just address the elephant in the room that is Kacie B's presence? I mean, I love her and I'm glad she is going for a guy with less hair problems than Ben F- I was just surprised to see her and her really tacky pink shoes.

I'm taking bets, how long do we think the Professional Organizer will last? Anal retentiveness and a close attention to detail may make her career but it may steer away a bodacious man such as H.A.S.

There really have to be two women who are models... TWO?!

I have a strong feeling that some of these ladies wrestled with the decision to straighten or curl their hair for this episode... and in the end opted to chug like eight bottles of pinot instead.

One of the Leslie's (yes, there are two- and like 6 Ashley's) has an incredibly large pie hole. You can park a Prius in that mouth. I had Jack Nicholson flashbacks to when he played the Joker in Michael Keaton's Batman days.

I legitimately feel bad for Sean, this whole experience must be incredibly awkward. This is pretty much how I see all first encounters going as they all pour out of the limos:

  • Sean: Hi

I'm just glad he has a rape whistle and he knows how to use it.

What did Ashley P's ass tat say?  All I got from her farewell interview was "Mom don't be mad".


"It always starts off great and then someone goes ape" - Kelley Anne Carney, friend and viewer.

Word word KA, word.