Monday, March 11, 2013

Finally, It's Over: The Final Rose

We've made it. The Final Rose. Will there be a proposal? Obviously, Sean is more eager to get married than a pair of West Virginia cousins.

Let's play a game. "Count the dudes in the live studio audience."

Chris says there's a surprise in store? Plot twist: Emily and Sean got together and are adopting Jef With One F.


I wish my uncles were on the Bachelor and got to fly us all out to Thailand. Giddy up, Larry, Dana, and Doan. Marnie needs to get her Phuket on.

Catherine walks into the bungalow and is the raisin in a bowl of cream of wheat. "Diversity" protests ABC.

On Catherine's one-on-one date with Sean's mom, she throws out SAT words like "reciprocate." We get it, you learned a book.

As Catherine yammers on about her search for great love, Sean's mom is clutching her elbows in a self-consoling way that screams "THIS IS THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE I'VE EVER FELT."

Sean's dad is basically a saint and is calling Cath his daughter because her dad is over the cuckoo's nest.

I was looking forward to his sister grilling her about anything and everything while little Kensington and Smith throw Pad Thai in her face.

Lindsay, my girl, don't screw this up.

"Let's talk about you in the limo..." asks Sean's family.

"I had just chugged like a whole bag of Franzia and taken a few muscle relaxers and really tried to channel my inner bride like the sister from Sixteen Candles."
Lindsay's thoughts upon walking into the bungalow
I'm going to count the number of times she refers to prayer while in the presence of Pastor Lowe.

On her one-on-one date with Sean's dad, Lindsay gets ballsy and asks a BIG question. "Can I have Sean's hand in marriage?"

Sean's mom has a valid point when questioning how serious and deep their relationship goes. "We've sat down and talked about all the hard things, know...apartheid and... um...the first season finale of Game of Thrones."

Look at his calves. They could crush a Buick.

Mama Lowe is the only sane one here. Sean wants to pop the question after knowing a chick for 2 months. My car has spent more time at the Subaru auto body shop than these women have spent with Sean.

Ok, Ron Burgundy. 
Sean gets technical. "And over there is Myanmar, and this is Thailand..and over there is Laos... or LOW as they say it here."

"What do you think we're going to look like when we're old?" - Lindsay

Lindz, you are drunk. GO HOME.




I'm sitting here watching this with my parents and my dad is analyzing their kissing technique. If there is a level beyond super-mega-discomfort...I've reached that level.

They did it in Ashley's season too. 
What are these, paper lanterns? HOW ORIGINAL.

Keep saying you've fallen in love with Lindsay. Just keep that thought in your beautiful, beautiful head.

Catherine needs to burn that shirt. Purple polka dots are a crime. They both should be arrested for the degree of matchy-matchiness going on in this elephant reserve.

Catherine has never so obviously wanted the D in her entire life. Except Sean's got that circle with the line through it down there. That thing, that Ghostbusters thing.

"I just really love you" No Sean, you just really love the idea that your kids could go to college for half price.

Before they leave each other, there's some tushy grabbing and I'm pretty sure that means Sean wants to choose Catherine.

Catherine starts to throw a bitch fit and I'm pretty sure if she stamps her foot a little more and holds her breath Sean will pick her.

I haven't mentioned it yet this season but Sean's sweaty red-faced problem has been under control. There is only one explanation, he drank the blood of his enemies.

The Women Scorned are going with Lindsay as Sean's pick. I agree but then again he and Catherine do seem to have something special but it just doesn't fit in my opinion. She's like a wet, soggy puzzle piece trying to fit into the Sean masterpiece.

"I'm dreading seeing that look on her face."
Well I'm really excited for it so SHOW ME.

The second Lindsay says that today is the day she's going to get engaged. Me and all of America know that it's actually not.

I can't tell if I'm angry upset or disappointed upset or just bloated from inhaling my gelato during the commercial break.

What's super difficult is hearing Lindsay sob about how everything she ever wanted was dangled in front of her face and Sean just took it away. Ja feel, Lieutenant Dan? 

Sean is crying man tears right now. Big, fat, crocodile, man tears.

Of course Catherine gave Chris a letter for Sean. OF COURSE.

Naturally ABC cuts back to the live studio and every member of that audience leaked a little in their underoos when Sean opened that cheesy note.

"I love you so much and I'm going to tell you every day."
My reaction to Sean's decision
Okay... that's kind of cute.

Am I the only concerned for the elephant they're riding on? There's legit a rope up its butt. Someone call PETA.

Okay, so they're engaged and everything is la-di-da, whatever.
Good news is we all can go back to having a life on Monday nights.

How Lindsay basically feels. 

                                    At least until Desiree and her Bachelorette season begins.

Which is great because I'll be graduated and in the real world where blogging about reality TV shows may or may not be an actual route to a career.

Monday, March 4, 2013

The Women Tell Us Everything We Already Knew.

Tonight, a very special edition of the Bachelor: The Women Tell All.
Apparently this season is the best by far and the ratings are off the charts thanks in large part, to Sean's abs. Tonight's episode is also brought to you by all of the women scorned by Sean's love and rejection.
Chris and Sean do their own rendition of Wedding Crashers and show up randomly to Bachelor viewing parties AKA, lots of lonely women who take this show seriously. They even showed up to a sorority house, surprised a room full of Delta Gammas where they then sat and chatted about their majors, where they're from and talked about all the Greek Week trophies they've won.

said no one who reads my blog ever. 
The women are introduced and I'm outraged. WHERE THE HECK IS THE JUMBO TRON OPERATOR? Oh wait of course, it's hockey season- the busy season.

Let's not let a Tierrable situation be the first thing discussed, Chris. Let's create a nice build up over the course of the night and allude to it in promos before we want to gouge our eyes out.

Must you speak, Brooke? Must you harp on a topic that you know nothing about? These girls lived through the Tierrarism, they were in the trenches with her. They exchanged glares that radiated gamma rays of hate whenever that crazy bitch was around. Don't act like you know what's up, Brooke because YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHERE THEY'VE BEEN.

Sean just tweeted that he is the one picking the tweets thats run across the bottom of the sceeen. If they suck my love for him may be compromised.

For the love of Sean Connery can you all SEE her frickin' eyebrow? It's making a run for her forehead. Retreating to her weave.

"I wasn't going there to find my best friend" she says. WELP. There ya go. Mission accomplished.

At least we know she can spell. Can she spell anything else? P-S-Y-C-H-O.

"I'm not calling you a liar I'm saying you lied to me." The start to every valid argument on this show.
Bottom line. Tierra doesn't want or need friends. She's her own best friend.

"When I was a girl I was Little Miss Nevada." Was your name also Lola, and were you a showgirl?

Sarah, we've missed you and your arm. Not really but whatever.

When she gets a manicure does she get it at half-price?

I like to think that she's gone as the Venus de Milo at least once for halloween.

I don't really need to see the Des/Sean montage. I just don't. Do you guys? Because I'm all set.

There is only one word for AshLee's face while she watched the montage, organized.

She doesn't love Sean anymore. She's "reeled in her feelings."

"I wanna beat you right now because you said it." 
I hope Sean and and Chris are really good friends outside of the show. Something about that bromance just feels right.

Sean looks smaller. He's been skipping leg day. Chris needs to be there with him at the gym. Friends don't let friends skip leg day.

There are bloopers.

There are shirtless Sean bloopers.

Praise be to whey protein.

Next Week On The Bachelor
The final rose is given and possibly  most definitely a proposal. I've read spoilers because I have no will power but I won't ruin it for the rest of you.

So who will it be?

Looney Lindsay? Quirky Catherine?

Thank Beyonce its my Spring Break next week so I won't be frantically studying for another Art History Exam after blogging.

I hope you all are grateful that I sacrifice my academic integrity by ignoring about 50 Byzantine-Renaissance flashcards from the hours of 8-11 PM.