Monday, May 25, 2015

(Jerry Seinfeld Voice) "Reality TV Dating Shows, What's Up With That?"

Last week on The Bachelorette, Kaitlyn began her journey to small-screen stardom/ love.

Also,  she seems to have started the second stages of wearing Invisalign.

Chris The "Cupcake" Dentist will marvel at her mouth bones later.

My mom shoots me a text 2 minutes into the episode letting me know how she thinks tonight will go.

She's so wise.

Remember when Brady stalked Brit all the way back to her hotel?
Remember when he totally used this one-on-one time to not be compared to anyone else and hypnotized her with his unwashed hair and ultra-wide crew neck tee?
Remember when I had dignity and didn't watch this show?

Those were the days...

Group Date #1

Wrestling? Boxing? Will the contestants strap on the singlet and grapple with each other for a moment of The Bachelorette's affection?

It looks like they'll be wearing big shorts. Damn.

Laila Ali walks into the room, giving the men a pep talk while simultaneously preparing to embarrass them on national television.

The gym is the pinnacle of romantic locations.

Just think of all the MRSA living on those punching bags.

Kaitlyn: "Please don't hurt each other in this competition of literally hurting each other for my attention."

Someone who hasn't had a lot of screen time tells Kaitlyn about his son, Aurelius.
She tries to not to laugh at the fact that this man is the father of a boy who will be mocked for the rest of his life.

But then, a mysterious note that says "Come downstairs right now, I need to see you" falls into her lap.

Slightly Concussed Jared is back from the hospital and ready to mack on her all the way to The Rose Ceremony.

One-On-One Date #1

Clint, Son of Odin, and Her Royal Bacheloretteness set out to their underwater photo shoot date.

Our girl Kait seems unable to grasp that you need to hold your breath and not let out any bubbles in order for the photos to look semi-cute.

But Thor is a natural and is schooling Kaitlyn in the art of underwater modeling.

Tyra has taught him well, because he gets the rose.

Meanwhile back at the house, Tony is two seconds away from a Hare Krishna chant-fest.

Group Date #2

It's Amateur Night on The Bachelorette.

Comedy and love are all about timing.

Some of these guys seem to really struggle with both.

Thank Beyonce, because Amy Schumer is here to help and humiliate them.

"Mr. Confidence," AKA JJ, is a little too confident. He's also always dreamed of doing comedy, so this could potentially be the worst thing we've ever seen, ever, in the history of television.

Some of the guys play it safe, some play it dirty, some totally bite it and should just drive home on their cupcake scooter of shame.

Tony takes this opportunity to deliver a commencement speech of sorts.

Let's just let the ladies be funny, guys, okay?

After the show, Kaitlyn proceeds to make out with the majority of them because, well, you gotta shop around a little bit, right?

JJ gets the rose for talking about his child and evoking a microbe of emotion.

No one else likes JJ.

The Rose Ceremony

In true form, JJ pulls a dick move during the cocktail party by pulling Kaitlyn away immediately, saying, AND I QUOTE, "Sorry not sorry" to the other guys.

Someone's been reading the Betches Luv This blog in his spare time.

Ian shows his compassion and continues to remind us of the Old Spice Guy.

Part of me wonders if he might be the first non-caucasian person to get far in this competition.

We're rooting for you, Ian.

Tony continues to have quite the time with this whole process and the inevitable betrayal of the Universe on his chakras or whatever.

Kupah is annoyed that Kaitlyn doesn't vibe with him.
And he should be, right?
How dare she ignore him after he does nothing to make a connection with her.
What a bitch.

Yet, he just keeps digging himself deeper and deeper.

Kupah is out of here...

And still can't seem to shut up.


Kaitlyn cracks some skulls.

Britt and Brady are nauseating.

Dear Bachelorette producers:

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

A Tale of Two Bachelorettes

It's night one of The Bachelorette Season 11.

Two very different women are competing for the very same thing: public humiliation and potential venereal diseases.

With the new practice of allowing the men to cast their votes for which woman they want to date on television for the next two months, it's like Survivor meets The Dating Game... I hope there's blood and lots of ugly crying. 

The common theme among these contestant packages is "There's not a lot of options where I live."

Guys, there are ways to remedy this.

Or go on a tv show.

What if Tinder was the premise of the next Bachelorette?

Let's see how many creepy guys in a 10 mile radius you can get to show up to the chateau or buy you a pizza before the wine runs out.


Limo Time

Britt's excited for the comparisons between her and Kaitlyn.

She was definitely one of those girls in school who loved being evaluated and thrived off of parent teacher conferences, or those messed up gym classes where you had to measure a partner's body mass index and present to the class.

It all makes sense now. This is why she's a waitress/actress. 

The limos roll up.

Some guys approach both women, some only one (Britt).

Some tailor small talk to each while others who were originally team Kaitlin switch to team Britt and NOT vice versa. 

You can see Kaitlin shrinking into a lesser version of herself until a hockey stud tells her he wants to "puck" her.

That's a story for the grandkids.

Really precious.

Britt needs to be The Bachelorette so she can fulfill her role as a sucubus and move out of her shitty condo in Riverside.  

Tony the Healer rolls out of the limo with a black eye. Someone obviously tried to steal his kombucha in line at Whole Foods and he seriously lost his chi for a sec.

I will not address the cupcake scooter dentist. I will not. 

Everyone else falls somewhere on a scale of underwhelming to slightly embarrassing. And then there's the "Carpool" guy.

Inside the Chateau

The men vote.

Kaitlyn is chosen as the Bachelorette.

The tribe has spoken, and Britt is kicked off the island.

Valar Bachelorette Morghulis.

After such a cosmic connection, Tony the Healer and his black eye are having an existential crisis alone in the thicket of fake palm trees on set.

Hug it out with the foliage, Tony.
Just kiss the crap out of those fern bushes.

Rose Ceremony

Kaitlyn thanks the guys for coming out, no matter the degree of weirdness or discomfort they all must be feeling. Which evidently is a lot.

Brady the ~musician~ asks for a pause and pulls Kaitlyn outside. I'm really hoping this is a confession of his undying affinity for girls who wear glitter eye shadow and sob like someone who just watched Beaches.

He's too into Britt. He runs off into the distance to find her.

BYE LAW STUDENT/STRIPPER (Who I was really looking forward to calling him Flashdance)



The Alamo.

Cliff screaming.


The bad guy from Andi's season who looks like Spencer Pratt (minus the creepy flesh colored beard).


Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Double The Suitors, Double The Eye Rolls

On Monday, May 18th, the new season of The Bachelorette will be thrust upon us against our will. So we might as well make the most of it, right?

Britt and Kaitlyn are up at bat this time around after being jilted by The Corn King Chris Soules, but the catch is only one will stay and one will go.

That's right, the gentlemen will determine who is the sole Bachelorette this season. I say we get to know some of them a little better...

Justin, Fitness Trainer
Justin is that guy at the party or any social gathering who let's you know he does CrossFit. Don't worry about asking him if he works out or what his regiment is, because he will tell you. 

Tony, Healer
Tony's a ~healer~. He just wants to connect with the Bachelorette's spirit, getting to know her aura over a couple shots of wheat grass juice while a calming Bon Iver album plays in the background.

Daniel, Fashion Designer
Pause for inevitable judgement of his sexuality per the choice in profession. Homeboy probably dresses better than Anna Wintour and will have to endure the heinous outfits the potential Bachelorette will wear each week. 

Josh S., Law Student/Exotic Dancer
I see you windin' and grindin' up on that podium. I know you see me lookin' at you and you already know... you're guilty and going to prison. 

Shawn E, Amateur Sex Coach
As an amateur sex coach, Shawn E. has the same level of knowledge as a 14 year old who has seen Fifty Shades of Grey a few times, or a pledge in the douchiest fraternity at a state school. 

Ryan M., Junkyard Specialist
Ryan M. spends most of his time in waste receptacles and on Craig's List looking for someone to dumpster dive with him.

Brady, Singer-songwriter
Voted Most Likely To End A Conversation By Saying: "Anyway, here's Wonderwall."

Chris, Dentist
Chris failed out of medical school, that's why he became a dentist. He desperately hopes the Bachelorette is cool with flossing after every meal and being the big spoon. 

There's no guarantee that I'll be able to blog about each episode of the upcoming season, but there will always be Twitter commentary. For the same rude (yet honest) opinions from yours truly, follow me here.