There's No Week Like Hometown Date Week

It's finally here. The Mother of all Bachelor episodes. Hometown Dates.

Nervous women, protective brothers, hesitant Fathers and weird extended family members that come out of the woodwork. 

This is my favorite week. 

AshLee's Date

Welcome to Texas. Home of the Alamo, Tim Riggins and AshLee's motorcycling high holy rolling father. The date starts out with your standard, everyday picnic in a meadow and an excessive amount of thigh-grabbing close-ups. 

"You can tell right away that AshLee's dad is very protective of her, and has hair plugs."- Sean

This woman's tear ducts leak more than Whoopi Goldberg in those adult diaper commercials. 

AshLee's mother, Chaz Bono, holds nothing back as she asks Sean straight up if he is going to break her daughter's heart. Well, Sean, seeing that you are afraid of these people asking if you love AshLee, it may be a good idea to make a quick Irish exit. 

Here's the adoption story. AshLee can't bitch and moan about nobody loving her and being abandoned because here are two people who took her in when she had a pageboy haircut with complimentary stank face, and then allowed her to be on a dating game show. That's love, girl. 

Note the time: It is 8:19 PM EST and I am calling it right now that Desiree is pulling a prank on Sean with this ex-boyfriend coming to profess his love nonsense. This is total payback for the broken art date and Des's spin on  Sean's messy room prank when he was on Emily's season. 

Catherine's Date

Seattle. The land of Starbucks, Grey's Anatomy and 12 different ways to recycle. 

When Sean starts slinging fish in Pike Place Market I have to admit I'm slightly jealous. I'd purposely let that fish "slip" and smack Catherine in the face. Knock her down a few pegs and then stick her to the gum wall while I go find the Mt. Rainier cherries and get weird. 

I want to see if Catherine's family is as quirky and over-enthusiastic as she is. I'm not putting anyone down for being enthusiastic but there's enthusiastic and then there's questionable behavior that may lead someone to believe you are partaking in recreational drug use. 

Her sisters know what’s up. They’re giving her the perspective that it all can’t be sunshine and rainbows and this is making Catherine feel “kinda shitty.” Hate to break it to you Cathy, but sometimes things get “kinda shitty” and you just gotta say ‘ACK’ and roll with the punches. 

and then move on

Lindsay's Date

"If this goes well, I'll be ready to win Marnie and Casey a ton of bragging rights" says Lindsay, the top Bachelor Fantasy League pick (cough-cough). 

That is the first time I have ever seen anyone on the Bachelor/Bachelorette drink beer. EVER.

Lindsay's advice for what to call her dad is incredibly similar to Brian Regan's approach to forgetting names and still being polite:

"Hey there...Buckaroo. How's it goin'...Pardner?"

Oh my god. She touched the butt. 

That isn't the first time Sean has had a woman sit on him while he does push ups. Lest we forget last season when Emily's cougar friend demanded he take his shirt off for them? 

Do we think AshLee's military dad is going to pull some Full Metal Jacket stuff on Sean? Especially after he asks for her parent's blessing to marry her. 

And now The General is throwing around army metaphors. He's applying these dog tag values to the values of love. 

Such a shame we didn't get more out of Lindsay's brother. He looked like he just tore himself away from a riveting game of Minecraft. 

and hangs out with these kind of people. 

Desiree's Date

All Des wants to do is mack it. I don't blame her. Sean is pretty mack-able, but according to the previews things get pretty heated between a (fake) boyfriend and Sean, then at a later time, Des's brother and Sean. It may be hard to sneak some smooches with the threat of punches in the air. 

That was so predictable. Unimaginative. Lame. I could pull way better pranks. Hear that, Sean. I'D BE BETTER THAN HER. 

So now we know that if there is an ABC makeup team that styles the women and makes them look pretty, they do not by any means go near the family during hometown date week. Exhibit A: Desiree's mom's hair and purple sweater/pink jean combo. 

Desiree's brother is on our side. This whole thing is stupid. Word, Bro Namath. 

"You don't like her as much as she likes you"- Des's douchey, yet lucid brother. 

Des, he's just not that into you. Only the Rose Ceremony will tell if you are the rule...or the exception. 

Excuse me while I overcome an aggressive shiver of self loathing for typing that sentence. 

Rose Ceremony

Sean was hoping for clarity and he just didn't get it. 

But let's be honest, Sean was hoping for someone or one of the families to be too weird to even deal with and make the decision that much easier when the Rose Ceremony rolled around. 

As long as Lindsay's through to next week I'm cool beans. Any of these other women can go home because AshLee, that purple dress is ratchet; Catherine needs to be able to do something else with her hair aside from this half up/ half down business; and Desiree can't stand in heels. Can you say bow legged?

WE'RE IN THE CLEAR, CASEY!

And the final rose goes to....

They seriously just went to a commercial. 

I'm thinking Desiree may get the rose tonight but won't be the one he picks at the end. I know this because I've been reading his cryptic tweets all night. Plus, his Twitter profile looks like this. I feel like this is something that may have been Catherine-inspired:

AND HE GOES WITH CATHY. 

It was time, Des. You were the rule. Not the exception. Blame your brother. 

Tomorrow Night

Sean Tells All. 

And we will be there to listen.