Monday, February 25, 2013

Tropic Thunder Thighs: A Tale Of Sean And Whoever Is Left

This week we travel to Thailand. I know what some of you are thinking. "Why Thailand?" "Sean doesn't talk Thai."

Oh no, America. Sean talk Thai. Sean talk Thai very well.

If Sean is looking for someone weird, nerdy, and goofy then he can date Zooey Deschanel. Or me.
Not Catherine.

Does anyone else feel like Ash Capital L ee gushes over Sean just a little too much?
"Tell me what it's like in Dallas, Sean. Do people just...fawn over you?"

Lindsay's Date
I love the referencing to Lindsay and her loopy wedding dress. Sean admits that he almost sent her home on the first night out of sheer fear that she was the bad kind of crazy. I know I've said it before, but her inner Gloria is showing.

"I just arrived at this fine-ass hotel in Thailand that I'm getting paid to mention. It's time to get weird."-  Sean

So I guess the lesson we learn here with Lindsay is "Have wedding dress and ignorance about other cultures, will receive rose and access to Sean's abdominals."

Okay wait, they're actually really cute and I want them to be together forever and ever or until one of them cheats on the other and it's publicised within the year.

Okay I said it let's move on to little monkeys.


He better stick with this idea.

But she's going to have to tell him that she loves him ASAP before we get a Lesley M situation going again.

I've had enough of reading these tweets at the bottom of the screen. If I wanted to read your not funny or remotely witty social media jibber jabber I would follow you for four to five hours before wanting to move on with my life. Where are the edgy, border-line inappropriate tweets? Jason Biggs cranks those things out like he's an insult machine.

Oh the Come Hither Key. Up to the Fantasy Suite they go.
No interruptions.
No distractions.
Just a team of cameras and producers watching you make out.

Finally, she drops the L bomb and participants of Bachelor Drinking Games across the nation throw back a shot.

AshLee's Date

How many times do we need to hear AshLee refer to Sean as the love of her life when all he's said to any of the women is how much he likes them.

Seriously, this is like 5th grade. " I don't like like you, I just like you."

Here is where Sean is testing the waters with AshLee- pun intended.

Sweet Baby Jesus again with the abandonment plight, and now a full-on freakout in an underwater cave.

"I want my future wife to be able to let go and trust me as I lead her down a scary dark cave where there could be eels and various forms of bacteria that could give us both parasites and viruses and oh yeah I don't really know what I'm doing down here at all." -Sean.

Let's be honest, this is his car. 
Sean is a fan of the tushy. He's always grabbing it regardless of where he is and who he's around.

So essentially, AshLee you love Sean but you're mad at him because he's dating two other women ON THIS DATING GAME SHOW. Right, that makes perfect sense. I totally get it and your emotions are valid.

You don't need to worry about that over night date card though, Ash, our boy is a born-again virgin so you're just in for an intense conversation and maybe some heavy petting. Okay, definitely some heavy petting.

I just got a text from Woody: "Do you think AshLee is ovulating? I think he sprayed pheromones on the couch."

And you all wonder where I get it from...

Catherine's Date

Is that one of the ships from Pirates of the Caribbean 3? Clearly I have never been to Singapore  Thailand.

I can literally count the number of times Catherine has made eye contact with this dude longer than 3 seconds on one hand. Is there such a thing as Retinal Ritalin?

That weather looks ridiculous. I'm not liking what I'm seeing out there. I hope Catherine has an umbrella to cover her and all of her emotional baggage. God knows they don't make ones big enough for AshLee and all her abandonment issues.

Another text from The Woodman: "I just mentioned Sean's upper body definition to Mom and she just low groaned 'oh my god' like somebody just handed her a Pottery Barn shopping spree."

Catherine willingly admits to her weirdness, along with her dire need for a child within the next 5 years.

Sounds about right. Know a guy for a few weeks, get married, pop out a little nugget and name it after Chris Harrison.


YOU AREN'T JEF WITH ONE F, SEAN. THIS ISN'T BIG LOVE. IT GOT CANCELLED FOR A REASON. And that reason was Chloe Sevigny's sex tape reappearing and the complete lack of Jeanne Tripplehorn's femininity.

I mentioned it a few weeks ago and it's more apparent now than ever, Catherine wants the D.

She wants it BAD.

Rose Ceremony


And it better be with Lindsay.

Sean looks so unbelievably guilty while watching AshLee's video it's all I can do to bury my head into my pillow and scream with glee. That's what you get for bringing up your sad childhood every five minutes and wearing that dress that makes you look like you're asking for it. Because...well.. you're asking for it.
just...try everything. 

He's got a tough decision to make.
Will Sean turn to Buddha for guidance?
A Magic 8 Ball perhaps?

The suspense is killing me. Or at least pressing on my bladder because I haven't taken a break from blogging since the first commercial.

AshLee will most likely organize her way into a mental breakdown on the flight home.

AshLee is going out like a prissy little bitch.

"She didn't even say goodbye to us!" cries Catherine as she grips her rose and laughs internally.

I guess she can just add this to her baby hippo-sized duffle bag of issues.

Things can only get worse for her if they make her fly back in coach.


The Women Tell All.
Put on your big girl pants.
I'm going to get nasty and sarcastic.

Monday, February 18, 2013

There's No Week Like Hometown Date Week

It's finally here. The Mother of all Bachelor episodes. Hometown Dates.
Nervous women, protective brothers, hesitant Fathers and weird extended family members that come out of the woodwork. 

This is my favorite week. 
AshLee's Date
Welcome to Texas. Home of the Alamo, Tim Riggins and AshLee's motorcycling high holy rolling father. The date starts out with your standard, everyday picnic in a meadow and an excessive amount of thigh-grabbing close-ups. 

"You can tell right away that AshLee's dad is very protective of her, and has hair plugs."- Sean

This woman's tear ducts leak more than Whoopi Goldberg in those adult diaper commercials. 

AshLee's mother, Chaz Bono, holds nothing back as she asks Sean straight up if he is going to break her daughter's heart. Well, Sean, seeing that you are afraid of these people asking if you love AshLee, it may be a good idea to make a quick Irish exit. 

Here's the adoption story. AshLee can't bitch and moan about nobody loving her and being abandoned because here are two people who took her in when she had a pageboy haircut with complimentary stank face, and then allowed her to be on a dating game show. That's love, girl. 

Note the time: It is 8:19 PM EST and I am calling it right now that Desiree is pulling a prank on Sean with this ex-boyfriend coming to profess his love nonsense. This is total payback for the broken art date and Des's spin on  Sean's messy room prank when he was on Emily's season. 

Catherine's Date
Seattle. The land of Starbucks, Grey's Anatomy and 12 different ways to recycle. 

When Sean starts slinging fish in Pike Place Market I have to admit I'm slightly jealous. I'd purposely let that fish "slip" and smack Catherine in the face. Knock her down a few pegs and then stick her to the gum wall while I go find the Mt. Rainier cherries and get weird. 

I want to see if Catherine's family is as quirky and over-enthusiastic as she is. I'm not putting anyone down for being enthusiastic but there's enthusiastic and then there's questionable behavior that may lead someone to believe you are partaking in recreational drug use. 

Her sisters know what’s up. They’re giving her the perspective that it all can’t be sunshine and rainbows and this is making Catherine feel “kinda shitty.” Hate to break it to you Cathy, but sometimes things get “kinda shitty” and you just gotta say ‘ACK’ and roll with the punches. 

and then move on

Lindsay's Date

"If this goes well, I'll be ready to win Marnie and Casey a ton of bragging rights" says Lindsay, the top Bachelor Fantasy League pick (cough-cough). 

That is the first time I have ever seen anyone on the Bachelor/Bachelorette drink beer. EVER.

Lindsay's advice for what to call her dad is incredibly similar to Brian Regan's approach to forgetting names and still being polite:

"Hey there...Buckaroo. How's it goin'...Pardner?"

Oh my god. She touched the butt. 

That isn't the first time Sean has had a woman sit on him while he does push ups. Lest we forget last season when Emily's cougar friend demanded he take his shirt off for them? 

Do we think AshLee's military dad is going to pull some Full Metal Jacket stuff on Sean? Especially after he asks for her parent's blessing to marry her. 

And now The General is throwing around army metaphors. He's applying these dog tag values to the values of love. 

Such a shame we didn't get more out of Lindsay's brother. He looked like he just tore himself away from a riveting game of Minecraft. 
and hangs out with these kind of people. 
Desiree's Date
All Des wants to do is mack it. I don't blame her. Sean is pretty mack-able, but according to the previews things get pretty heated between a (fake) boyfriend and Sean, then at a later time, Des's brother and Sean. It may be hard to sneak some smooches with the threat of punches in the air. 

That was so predictable. Unimaginative. Lame. I could pull way better pranks. Hear that, Sean. I'D BE BETTER THAN HER. 

So now we know that if there is an ABC makeup team that styles the women and makes them look pretty, they do not by any means go near the family during hometown date week. Exhibit A: Desiree's mom's hair and purple sweater/pink jean combo. 

Desiree's brother is on our side. This whole thing is stupid. Word, Bro Namath. 

"You don't like her as much as she likes you"- Des's douchey, yet lucid brother. 

Des, he's just not that into you. Only the Rose Ceremony will tell if you are the rule...or the exception. 

Excuse me while I overcome an aggressive shiver of self loathing for typing that sentence. 

Rose Ceremony

Sean was hoping for clarity and he just didn't get it. 

But let's be honest, Sean was hoping for someone or one of the families to be too weird to even deal with and make the decision that much easier when the Rose Ceremony rolled around. 

As long as Lindsay's through to next week I'm cool beans. Any of these other women can go home because AshLee, that purple dress is ratchet; Catherine needs to be able to do something else with her hair aside from this half up/ half down business; and Desiree can't stand in heels. Can you say bow legged?


And the final rose goes to....

They seriously just went to a commercial. 

I'm thinking Desiree may get the rose tonight but won't be the one he picks at the end. I know this because I've been reading his cryptic tweets all night. Plus, his Twitter profile looks like this. I feel like this is something that may have been Catherine-inspired:


It was time, Des. You were the rule. Not the exception. Blame your brother. 

Tomorrow Night

Sean Tells All. 

And we will be there to listen. 

Monday, February 11, 2013

Ding Dong The Witch Is Flying Coach Back to Her Home On Whore Island

What has two thumbs and quads that could crush a Buick? This guy. 
I really should be studying for my Art History exam tomorrow but I just HAD to take a break and watch this week's episode. I wonder what crazy thing Tierra will do this week. I wonder what crazy group date Sean will make up. I wonder what my brain cell count will be after watching this show.

As I pop an Aleve because I'm still sore from shoveling the snow off of my driveway this weekend, Sean and the ladies arrive in the tropical paradise that is St. Croix.

How nice for them.

AshLee's Date:

AshLee, I'm really getting tired of your crying and adoption/abandonment story and most importantly, having to capitalize that L in your name. It really messes up my flow.

Lesley is talking about putting Tierra's rollaway cot into the middle of the ocean. Someone has obviously seen Parent Trap.

AshLee and Sean's date is a little boring, am I right? If I wanted to see people make out on a beach I'd go rent a real love story like The Notebook and eat my feelings.

"We have Hometown Dates coming up." is the equivalent of "Oh SAT's are next week." Better get workin'.

I feel like it was yesterday when Creepy Chris took Emily to meet his Polish family, Arie spoke dutch for too long and made her feel uncomfortable, Jef introduced her to his sisterwives and Sean displayed his teenage boy room.

Tierra: "I'm just really nervous about the sweatiness and the bugs and my makeup dripping off."

Its official. Tierra is the Wicked Witch of the West. She's afraid of melting.

"So you were a married high school junior?" What is this, One Tree Hill? Forget Tutor Girl, AshLee is Organizer Girl.

This whole screaming on the beach at night thing is making me uncomfortable. Mainly because I'm getting strong flashbacks to those "I LOVE THIS WOMAN" commercials. What were those even for? Someone Google that for me.

This is the moment of truth, Sean. Is Tierra the love of your life? Or is she two breakdowns away from reaching Gloria From Wedding Crashers Status?

I keep forgetting Lindsay is there. It seems like she really only makes an impression at cocktail parties when there's free booze and someone to ogle.

Tierra starts running her mouth about the female bonding time in the house and we have got ourselves a classic case of She Said/ 'That Bitch Said WHAT?!'

Tierra, control your eyebrows.

I want to know who Lesley is politically consulting for. I never even looked at her occupation until now. I was too fixated on her sloping hair part.


Sean wakes these ladies up at the ass crack of dawn for their group date. WITH POLAROIDS. This man is a beautiful,beautiful genius. He's just a little too chipper at 4 AM for me.

I'm with you, Lindsay. I'd forget to shave my armpits too.

Aw, it's a sunrise date. As beautiful as that may be, the view of the inside of my eyelids is way prettier.

Cheers to 5 AM mimosas!

Okay, Lindsay. You are the Arie of the group. It's his face, not a melting ice cream cone.

who could blame her though
Catherine continues to lay it on thick every chance she gets. She also is a 5 year old when it comes to dolphins.

Can I just point out that my Fantasy League pick just got the FIRST HOMETOWN DATE ROSE. Where's Casey Frobey? Hey Case- we done good buddy boy.

I would LOVE to see Lesley profess her love to Sean and have him just cut her off.

But she pussied out so, whatever.

I'm not going to address the cat fight or Tierra's traumatizing tears. That's too much alliteration and I will not stand for it.

I will bring this to everyone's attention though: "MEN LOVE ME"

On a serious note I would like to sincerely thank YOU, Sean's sister, for signing him up for this show and letting us all drool over his Herculean body.

Can it just be the Rose Ceremony now? I have about 40 slides of Renaissance art to get through and they are all of the Virgin Mary in a church so this needs to move along, pronto.

There are honestly no words to express my utter joy and relief that Tierra got the boot, only One Direction happy dancing gifs. Enjoy.


WAIT-no cocktail party.
WAIT-someone else is still going home.
WAIT-I've lost all of my dignity.

So he's sending Lesley home but Catherine feels that they have a stronger connection than she does?
Speak up next time, girl. Just because her hair is sloping to one hemisphere of her head doesn't mean she is a total weirdo.


I'm just as excited for hometown dates as the contestants are. I want to see who is responsible for spawning some of these people- except for AshLee of course because she was abandoned as a child if no one already knew that. 
see you losers next week

Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Four Hours Of My Life That I Will Never Get Back: Part 2

Majestic Canada. The land I accidentally sing the Genovian National Anthem to.

I  like the way you climb on those beaver houses, Seany Boy.

Let it be known, where there is a Bachelor, there is a chateau.

This place looks amazing. I'll go to Canada. See some moose and eat some of their freaky round bacon.

Sign me up.

Catherine's Date

Cue universal eye roll. 
Polynesian Princess finally got a date!  Someone tell me what the hell is a snow bus.

He's like a hot Paul Bunyan.

"I never get cold...when I'm with him." 

Please refer to this as a play date again.

Go ahead.

Do it.

Igloo time.

Is it just me or is she incapable of making eye contact?

I'm sorry you had a traumatic childhood experience, but you're really annoying.

These Group Dates Will Go Well When Hell Freezes Over

More canoes.

I actually give Sarah a lot of credit for canoeing.

All jokes aside.

This ain't a scene- it's an arms race.

Last one. I promise.

Excusez moi, Polar Bear Plunge?

Canadian Lifeguard: "This water is really freakin' cold eh. So uh...there's a chance that yer gonna get some hypothermia right aboot the time you jump in the water there."

Foreshadow much ABC?

Sean just threw out a YOLO. He's a YOLO guy now.

Selma lives by Meatloaf's words. "I would do anything for a rose...but I won't do this."

I'm with Crazy Selma. A Mr. Deeds foot is not cute. no no no.

The Loch Tierra Monster emerges from the icy waters and seems totally fine until she's not and convulsing in the arms of the Medical Squadron: Canadian Edition.

The bitch was still wearing her time piece.

Tierra is the only one whose makeup went coon status after the polar plunge.

Everyone else: "This was so cool. Best experience ever! OMG I loved it!"


I hear a sympathy rose calling her name.

Leslie: "She's like.. DY-YING from frostbite."

Sure, Leslie, that's what's happening. You can go re-comb your aggressive hair part now.

Sean appreciates Leslie. I don't appreciate her severe hair part. She has so much hair on that one hemisphere of her head I'm shocked her neck doesn't snap.

Sarah acts like a Kardashian/Janice from Friends hybrid who just took a bunch of NyQuil.

True life. 
Lindsay is an eager beaver. Watching them make out reminds me of Emily and Arie trying to devour each other's faces last season.

"Look at this photograph"- Sarah.

Proof that Nickelback lyrics and concepts ruin lives.

Sarah showed Sean her family photos and he just isn't feeling it.

Break the wrist. Walk away.

Pull it off, like a band aid.

This is a good thing, though. I was running out of arm jokes.

Desiree: Round 2

I look up from my laptop and Desiree is freaking out about repelling down a mountain.

What is with all of this outdoorsy business?

Take her to the movies Sean.

Go see Lincoln.

Fuel a political discussion.

A picnic in a to some mountains with an awkwardly desperate brunette.

Am I watching Twilight?

Desiree lived in a tent.


"I opened up about spending part of my life in a tent and now I'm falling in love in a tee pee."

I can see that quote sweeping the twittersphere already.

It has been scientifically proven that the following equation leads to the receiving of a rose:

Life-threatening date + story about childhood suckiness + "I just want to marry my best friend" = Rose City


Selma needs to put her face on his face. Her strict parents will have to turn the other cheek and let their girl get what she needs.
Lindsay's inner child that is always present

She got it. Not sure if Sean was into it.

We'll see how the night unfolds.

Lindsay is a drunk thirteen year old Belieber trapped in a Young Barbara Streisand's body.

There's a lot of making out going on tonight.

 Do mono breakouts ever happen?

The herp?

I  just hope everyone got their flu shots.

Tierra hunted that dead animal hanging around her neck herself. She went out into the Alberta wilderness and lured it into a trap with her smokey eye and fake tan.

Selma and Daniella are outta here.

Selma is a big girl and will get over this quickly.

Daniella, you are 24. This is not your last chance at love.

Go to a bar.
Meet a guy.
Talk about...cheese.


They get to go somewhere warm.

Monday, February 4, 2013

Four Hours of My Life That I Will Never Get Back: Part 1

So am I supposed to accept that there are TWO nights of the Bachelor this week?
Could someone PLEASE have the decency to punch me in the face?
All of the women seem super excited to be venturing to Montana.

No one has ever been that excited to be in Montana.

Not even Montana is that excited to be in Montana.

Daniella: "I get to see my boyfriend!"

Is that what you call a guy you've only spent a total of 45 minutes with?

If that's the case, then I'm dating the 75 year old man who helps me at the self checkout at Stop & Shop because machines hate me and I never put my debit card in the right way.

Lindsay's Date

Inebriated Substitute Teacher Lindsay. My Fantasy League pick is (at a glacial pace) climbing that ladder of Televised Dating Stardom. Snaps for you Linds, way to go.

Sean likes Lindsay because she's not high maintenance. Well, that and her huge boobs.

Lindsay is too drunk to know how she got there, but she nabs the rose and some mackin'.

Sean: "I might have one more surprise left for you"
Lindsay's reaction to not even knowing what the surprise is yet. 

How many obscure country acts do we have to endure while watching this freaking show?

I'm sure putting them on that platform above the rest of the crowd makes them both feel super casual and not like they're on a dating game show at all.


I spy goats.

Oh this is going to be sweeeeeeeeet.

How is Sarah going to milk a goat with one arm? No offense, but it's true.

Prior to the competition beginning, the ladies play a nice round of Pass the Flannel and contemplate goat milking sabotage.

The Canoes.

Why did it have to be canoes?

This reminds me of that time that Kelley Anne and I kayaked on Lake Union and I pretended to paddle but didn't really, at all.

Sorry, KA. 
This is so exciting IT FEELS LIKE SURVIVOR.

Chris Harrison must be hanging out with Jeff Probst because he is killing it at the play by play announcing.

CH: Blue Team is stuck in the river bank, Red Team is also stuck in the river bank. I hate my job and my life. Are there any openings at Bravo? Does anyone have Andy Cohen's number?

Desiree will chug anything for some time with Sean. RED FLAG

Desiree milked the bajeezus out of that goat. RED FLAG

Desiree may have been (definitely was) a gentleman's entertainer at some point in her life. FLAMING RED FREAKIN' FLAG BRO.

Sean invites the losing team back to the party because he is such a nice boy. Some of the girls don't like this. Tough cookies. Robyn, calm your tits. The vein in your forehead is popping out

Tierra, you grosky little beyotch, if you don't slow your roll with this manic obsessiveness Sean will most definitely be sending you home on the 2-on-1 date. But by all means, keep it up. I for sure would rather have forgettable Jackie than a maniacal wench like yourself.

"I came all the way to Montana to spend time with you."

Correction, ABC flew you out here and paid you to be here to spend time with him.

Sean's problem is that he is in love with everyone. And everyone is in love with him.

Excuse me while I gag on this quintessential television quandary.


This is her first legit moment with the yummiest beefcake to ever appear on this show and she is ugly crying and snot sniffling all over his perfectly unbuttoned Henley top.


2-on-1 Date

I didn't pay attention to see where they went or what they did on this stupid date.

Jackie, you did not have a good conversation with Sean. You talked about Tierra being a ho fo' sho' and you macked a little. Don't name your kids or start picking out china patterns just yet.

Tierra: "I'm scared of losing someone again." No, you are scared of Nurse Ratched and the padded room you escaped from. Chief can't save you once the Rose Ceremony is underway.
Go watch a movie. 

Bye, Jackie. Its been real. 

How can Sean not see the crazy? Numerous women have told him how Tierra is Carrie from Homeland psycho, yet he keeps giving her roses.

No comprendo, dude... No comprendo.


"I honestly wish I was a fighter, because I would beat the shit out of these bitches... but I'm a pacifist, so it's whatever."

Please Sean, have MORE private conversations with Tierra. We are all hanging on every lie that crawls out of her cretinous gob.

Deuces, Robyn. And so ends the Experimental ABC Diversity Train.
"And I was like 'WUTTTTTTTT'?"

TOMORROW on The Bachelor:

Tierra gets in touch with her inner Fargo while everyone else is re-watching Heathers to get ideas on how to off her.
Seriously, go watch a movie. 
For real, guys. 
And I'll be busy having a life to make up for the two extra hours this show sucked out of me this week.