Monday, July 15, 2013

The Girl Who Turned Down The Family Snow Cone Business

This is the mother of all Bachelorette episodes, Hometown Dates.

Desiree meets the remaining men's families across the country.

The search for Most Awkward Mother-Future Daughter-in-law interaction may end after Des makes the rounds and gets a glimpse of what her life would be like with each of these guys.

Also, please note that this means there are only two more episodes left in the season and we all will be able to go read a book or something and start regenerating healthy brain cells.

It's time to meet the parents, Des.


Zak hails from the Dallas, Texas, where the stars at night are big and bright just like his crazy-ass eyes.
While explaining his trippy dream about melting sand and snowstorms, I become about 85% sure that Zak takes copious hits of peyote.

I mean, he must take something if he willingly works for the family snow cone business. Snow cones are the red headed stepchild of summer desserts. They're not really wanted, but if they're there they can be minimally acknowledged and passed off as acceptable.

His family was just as horrified as we were when hearing about his limo entrance:
Yeah I came out of the limo without my shirt on and I asked her if she'd accept my abs. 

What's really sad about his while hometown visit is that Zak's brother is way better looking than he is, and Des might definitely, 100%, positively notice this.

Zak's equally zany mother pushes the rose thing too hard and subtly demands her son should win the whole competition. Des forces nervous laughter, probably because she's already imagining how to dump the poor guy and because his mom's hair looks like she took a pair of lefty children's scissors and Sun-In to her head and said Yeah, this looks good. 

What really got me going was when Zak and his siblings went Partridge Family on us and started serenading Des as she uncomfortably cried because she couldn't cover her ears or leave the room.


Des got herself a spray tan before visiting Drew in Scottsdale, Arizona.
Fun fact about D-squared, their voices are the same octave and they have matching pink button downs.

Drew's hair must have so much oil in it that I could get myself some focaccia bread and garlic and have a nice little mid-show snack.

"This is the woman I am going to spend the rest of my life with."

You have about a 25% chance of that actually coming to fruition, dude.

I sense his mother is super into his love life and wants to make sure her baby boy is doing okay.

Drew is the youngest and I'm worried that he's a huge pussy. 


Chris and Des meet up at the youth baseball field where Chris played as a young whippersnapper.
Apparently he played "professionally." Meaning, he probably played AAA ball before discovering his passion for Finance and/or throwing out his shoulder.

Note that Chris is always showing her his shitty poetry, so naturally she shows him her shitty drawings as they sit on the pitcher's mound in matching outfits.

Back at Chris' parent's house, Des gets her back adjusted and Chris gets some weird nose thing done where the entire nation (and Canada) sees his snoogies and his dad's chiropractic practice gets some free exposure.

Des and Chris' mom have a very monotone chat about the usual topics one would discuss with their son's TV girlfriend.

The cool thing about Chris' mom is that she knows what up with the real world stuff. She's on the fence because this is a television show and they essentially live in a fantasy world full of sunshine and rainbows and free private concerts.

The real world isn't like that. If you want to go to a free concert you have to line up along 5th avenue at 2AM and tweet annoying things at Matt Lauer to get tickets. Trust me. I've been there.

Salt Lake City

Who is that I see prancing over the hillside in a plaid shirt and jeans? Paul Bunyan? No, it's Brooks.

"I love Brooks" admits Desiree.

She's in too deep.

I think Brooks is going to break Des' heart into a million little pieces and then put those pieces into a blender and then press puree.

Did anyone else notice how he shows up to his parent's house with a solitary bottle of beer?

We see the hoards of people that are Brooks' family.
They're all color coordinated and are wearing nametags.
I'd feel like I was walking into Walmart, not a family get together. I half expected Brook's brother to shake Des' hand and ask "Do you need help finding anything today?".

While Des was inside getting fawned over by Brooks' mother, the men basically reenact the Summer Nights dialogue from Grease. Except Brooks is Sandy in this situation.

Tell me more. Tell me more. Can she hang with you? Tell me more. Tell me more. Is this the woman you want to say 'I do' to? 
We didn't see much of Des' brother. I hope he does get his turn to mess with these guys and give the seal of approval before Des makes her final choice. There's a douchey, yet real quality to her brother that deserves to be shown on this show.

Rose Ceremony

Zak is the last man on the totem pole tonight. It's okay, Zak. Go listen to some Ed Sheeran. Eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry's. Go back to that dark place you were talking about in the limo and burrito blanket yourself while watching Sleepless in Seattle on Netflix and it'll get better.


I'm making a prediction. In the end she chooses Brooks, Drew realizes he wants to actually be an Ice Dancer and Chris is the next Bachelor.

Oh.. and The Men Tell All.

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