Monday, July 1, 2013

Los Chicos Antipaticos: Bachelorette Does Barca

This week Des and her dudes are soaking up the Spanish culture in Barcelona.

Desiree walks through the cobblestone streets of the city saying that it's the perfect place to fall in love. I'm pretty sure she said the same thing about Munich...and every other place they've been.

Drew's Date

Drew gets the first one-on-one date and is going to totally screw it up by bitching about the drama with James.

Ten minutes into the date and Drew has already geeked out, cried, and drank dirty fountain water.

If the whole date is going to be Little Boy Drew sobbing into Desiree's bony shoulder, I quit right now.

I also quit if he says guitaristas one more time.

Drew grabs Des' arm and pulls her away from their fancy shmancy dinner and runs around the corner into the alley to mack on her against the stone wall. If that was an attempt to get away from the cameras, consider it a poor one because those vultures follow you everywhere.

Back at the hotel, Juan Pablo is bummed about not getting the other one-on-one date because he's away from his daughter.
This is legitimately the season of single dads.
Guys, did you not try eHarmony or first?
Are there no cute single soccer moms out there?
No 27 year old preschool teachers?

Group Date

Betus Mike is rocking the sweatband because he knows Juan Pablo is in his element and is going to light 'em up.

Kasey cackles when the professional woman's team comes out. Watch your back, little girly man.

James is literally afraid of the ball, which refutes my hypothesis that he is for dudes

At the cocktail party it's confrontation time. The guys hound James for saying what they all were thinking- once you're in the final four there is Bachelor potential. Which is 100% true, by the way.

When was the last time we had a Bachlor or Bachelorette that wasn't hired from the inside?

Not since 'Nam.

"It's like you're auditioning for the Jersey Shore" - Betus Mike.

I believe you're thinking of our fallen friend, Mikey T.

Des and Chris sneak off to a room to snuggle and be cute, when she whips out a poem she wrote.

I would roll my eyes right now but my doctor said if  I keep doing it my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs. 

James goes to have a serious talk with Des but mistakenly lays down like he wants to be painted like one of Leo DiCaprio's french girls.

I was okay with James and Des becoming a thing until he starts crying because he feels excluded. What is this, middle school?

Drew and Kasey called me a bitch and Michael G uninvited me to his pool party. I'm gonna go home and change my away message to sad song lyrics while I eat cookie dough. 

I laugh uncontrollably as he sobs in the car and tears roll down his tree trunk neck.

Zak's Date

Crazy Eyes is excited for Barcelona. I don't think his eyes could bulge out of his skull any more.

Well, I did think that until the nude model walked in.

Los ojos de Zak son grande tan globos.

Zak hops into the spotlight and models for Des in his tighty whiteys. ABC does us all a solid and blurs out the tip of "Little Zak" in an effort to not traumatize the children.

They mack it a little and she taunts him with the rose. How much do we want to bet that the guys totally don't need to hear Des' spiel before they get the rose they're just like "I want the freaking flower give me the flower the flower is mine."

What if the next Bachelor wants to change it up and go with a new type of flower to give to the contestants. Mindy the Dental Hygenist, will you accept this hydrangea bush? 

James and Des hash it out and James walks away with serious boob sweat after she decides to keep him around.

Rose Ceremony

Three of these guys are going home tonight. That means we are three weeks closer to the finale and Hometown dates are in two weeks. You all know how much I love Hometown dates.

WOAH. Des sent off her spicy chalupa Juan  Pablo, cut Kasey, and gipped James. He was the favorite to win and Des let him believe everything was good in the hood.

Next Week

Are they all leaving her?

Why is she crying the whole time?

UGH. Now I'm actually intrigued and want to watch next week's episode.

QUICK. Somebody knock some sense into me.

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