Monday, July 8, 2013

I Expected Tears And All I Got Was Annoying Laughter

Des and her merry band of biceps are off to Maidera Island. Just off the coast of Africa, this island is far enough from the mainland so the natives can't hear Little Boy Drew sob uncontrollably every time Des blinks. 

Desiree invites her besties from Hot Ass Sean's season, Lesley, Jackie and the winner, Catherine, to the island for some girl talk and shameless binocular usage.

Des: How are you and Sean doing?
Catherine: We wear horm-rimmed glasses and turtle necks with the sleeves cut off, so it's like, really great.

What the ladies were really thinking as Des flaunted the guys
It's nice for Desiree to have some girl time with her friends and former competitors. They were all once thirsty for the same hot bod and now 2/3 of them can be jealous as she parades the beefackes poolside. Jackie can't control herself when demanding that Brooks take his top off. Keep it in your pants, Jackie.

Brooks' Date

Brooks is a really upfront kind of dude. He tells Des flat out that he wants to hold her hand and bake cookies and call her his wife and kiss her booboos and balance her check book and clip her toenails and iron her delicates and let her call him "Pookie" or "Shmoofin."

Does Brooks style himself? Did he pair that chambray shirt with that striped sweater on his own or does he take his styling tips from Carlton Banks?

I wasn't paying attention when they were talking about running as a metaphor for their relationship. But my ears did perk up when he stated that he is "behind in his emotional development." Could this be one of the reasons Des was ugly crying in the promos/ why I was legitimately excited to watch this episode?

Chris' Date

Des and Chris set out on a yacht for some alone time.

I'm sailing. I'm a sailor. I sail now. 

I hope that the production team advises these two to reapply sunscreen while on that boat. I spent two hours on a dingy in Long Island and the UV rays still penetrated the SPF 180 I'd marinated in just before boarding.

There's going to do a message in a bottle. I'll send an SOS to the world to replenish my brain cells.

Why must Chris always incorporate poems into these dates?
They're not even good poems.
Rhyming will only get you so far, dude.

Roses are red, violets are blue, give me the rose, or I'll literally throw myself off these cloudy ass cliffs. 

Chris wants to tell Des that he loves her but his manberries are schvitzing and he can't manage to spit the words out.

So, naturally, he reads some more shitty poetry.

But despite it all, I like you, Dr. Seuss.

Michael's Date

Betus Mike is kind of like Des' bitch. He follows her around while she goes shopping and carries her bags. He gets her a medium decaf iced hazelnut coffee light and sweet with three pumps of caramel and huge loogie courtesy of the barista for ordering the most classic white girl drink known to man.

Do I spy couch surfing? I'd be down for that. Give me a helmet and a strong wifi connection and I'd surf that couch all over the place.

Keep playing the diabetes card, Michael.
A broken pancreas won't save you from a broken heart.

Michael "literally collapsed" when he found out his ex was cheating on him. Are you sure it wasn't due to low blood sugar Michael? Sometimes when he's mackin' on Des I feel like he's searching for glucose tabs hidden inside her mouth. #diabeticjokes

Do sub-par, raspy voiced street singers count as a private concert?

2-On-1 Date

Des wants to see Drew let loose and pull that tree branch out of his butt.

While on this go-karting date, Drew uses he blinker while simultaneously using hand signals and braking for squirrels.

Drew is essentially Captain America- if Captain America worked in finance and had the voice of an altar boy.

Do the men ever get sick of drinking wine? How much do we want to bet that at multiple points during filming they were all clawing at the chateau doors for a case of Bud Light?

Zak and Des scamper off to a quaint heap of tires and look at Zak's coloring book. Oh sorry, his sketchbook. Are those incredibly phallic images supposed to subliminal? Because they're clear as day. Draw some veins on that "volcano" and you've got yourself a scenic dick pic.

Drew is so overly feminine it makes Richard Simmons seem butch.

Rose Ceremony

This is a special Rose Ceremony because this will lock in the final four men and lead us to next week's hometown date episode.

Des has a hard decision to make given that the only person she has given a rose to, and therefore a definite hometown date, is Drew.

WAIT. Did she just say she loves Brooks?
Is she allowed to say that?
Why hasn't she been crying more in this episode.

 "I can picture a life with Brooks and it would be full and long his hair."

I was anticipating heartbreak, constant tears, and copious amounts of entertainment as a result of her pain and sorrow.

Betus Mike is let go. Michael I'm sorry, but your failed pancreas now has a crying buddy in your trampled heart. Just go eat a whole mess of Ben and Jerry's, and don't forget to bolus! #diabetichumor.



And her seedy brother gets to mess with the guys.

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