Saturday, December 6, 2014

It's Good To Be Back.

I'll be honest with you, I have no idea what this new Bachelor, Chris Soules, is all about.  So I can't comment on him (yet), but that doesn't mean I'm at a loss for words.

I've been out of the game for a bit with this show. But I felt compelled to revisit it by the recent release of women who will be vying for this dude's heart. 'Why?' you may ask...because this group of women may be the worst thing to happen to feminism since the sandwich, and I'm not going to stand idly by without ripping them to pieces from behind my computer screen on the comfort of my own couch.

I picked out a few winners (and painfully obvious losers) to give you all a little preview of what this season will have in store.

Ballet Teacher 
"I teach young girls to hate their bodies from the moment they walk into my studio. Toddler cankles make me want to vomit in my Louis Vuitton handbag."

"I'm the only person on this show who doesn't need to go tanning and will unfortunately not make it to week 4."

Plus-sized model
"I'm going to get an inordinate amount of attention for my occupation because I'm not a size -4. Let's hope Chris is all about the bass." 

WWE Diva-In-Training
"I missed the casting call for E! Network's 'Total Divas.'
I can put my whole fist inside my mouth, wanna see?"

Cruise Ship Singer
"I tried out for American Idol six time and fell into a pit of despair and self-loathing that led me out into Open Water where my loneliness is amplified in my 4" x 6" cabin below the lido deck. I hate myself for knowing what a lido deck is and for so much more." 

"I'm 24 and have given up all hope of finding a partner at a bar or in a park like any other sane person my age."

High School Soccer Coach
"I didn't get the memo about the jewel-toned wardrobe and I'm trying to overcompensate for the association of masculinity in my occupation."

Dental Hygienist
"'re kidding. I'm the ONLY dental hygienist this season?"

Wedding Cake Decorator
"In bed, I make the guy do his best New Jersey accent and call me 'The Cake Boss.'"

Real Estate Agent
"I'm dead behind the eyes and just had an enema."

Cadaver Tissue Salesperson
"I sell dead people."

4th Grade Teacher
"Boys and girls your homework for the next 8 weeks is to tune in to ABC every Monday night and watch Miss Tracy discredit herself as a responsible educator on national television."

Special Education Teacher 
"I definitely get my asshole bleached."

Have a favorite yet? 

This is going to be fun.