Tuesday, September 25, 2012

THERE IS A GOD. Bachelor Problems

I'm telling you all right now. There are only two reasons I will be watching the upcoming season of the Bachelor.
"Hi I'm Sean, but you can call me... Daddy" 

    1. My blog depends on it.

We all know how I feel about H.A.S. So you can imagine my excitement and then self-loathing about the new season. I will still be here for your hilariously cynical needs- so breath easy folks. This ginge has a purpose again.

Some of you may not be the biggest Hot Ass Sean fans. Well, I have compiled a list of reasons (pictures included) of why Sean is the right choice for the next installment of the worst show to grace the small screen- besides Honey Boo Boo.

Here we go:

 1. He's good with kids
... of ALL ages.

             2. He's an animal lover.

 3. THAT.

 4. He is skilled in the art of selfies and kissy pics.

                                                                                    5. He's not Chris.

Plus, there's always the possibility that Emily will come to her sense, realize she's engaged to a Mormon Hobbit, and come steal Sean away from the new crop of Bitches de Desperado. And who would be opposed to that? 

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Childhood Problems

Many of you may have known me in my youth and probably thought I was awkward and weird.

I was.  I still am. Whatever.

For those of you who did not know pre-teen Marnie, I was awkward and weird... but I was also a good time. My friend Jordyn and I used to make music videos to our favorite *NSYNC and Backstreet Boys songs. Imagine two eleven year old girls wearing fluorescent fleece vests from the GAP, doing literal dance moves to the lyrics of "I Want It That Way". It was a creative outlet and yes, we still have the tapes somewhere in my basement.

Jordyn and I were also fascinated with Amanda Bynes. We recreated her "Ask Ashley" skits from All That and pretty much worshiped the Amanda Show.

This week, I was watching E! as Kevin Jonas dug a hole in his backyard to throw his career into (after convincing America that he actually does like hot dogs... you know what I mean) the news ticker along the bottom of the screen flashed the following:


I was speechless. MY childhood shattered before my eyes.

Then I saw that Hey Arnold was on Netflix and quickly got over it.

But, nevertheless, I feel bad for Amanda. I just hope she kept her cool when the cops drove up.

 Her credentials as Judge Trudy should work in her favor.
Blog dismissed. Bring in the Dancing Lobsters. 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Suggestions, Suggestions PUHLEASE.

I need help choosing a new show/ topic to blog about people! You're the ones reading this thing so tell me what you want to read about! I'll try my best to be hilarious- per usual, so leave your comments here/on facebook/tweet at me/ send a carrier pigeon and smoke signal to Rhode Island. I'm sitting here not doing my homework and watching Kourtney Kardashian give birth... AGAIN. So call me beep me if you wanna save me from going cray-zay.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Fall TV Problems

  Thanks to a free trial of Hulu Plus, I had the pleasure of watching a full-episode preview of NBC's new series, Revolution. It's your typical JJ Abrams deal- something awful happens to a bunch of people and forces them to live like pilgrims or hippies. In this case, that horrible something is the electricity going out, FOR-EV-VER. I don't know about any of you people, but aside from being forced to watch Diane Keaton movies all day while listening to The Best of Nickelback- no power is pretty much my worst nightmare.
How I would look everyday without power

    So let's hash this thing out for all of you who have been anticipating the premiere of this show, or for those of you who probably won't have time to watch because you have "real jobs" or "prefer to read" or are "watching Downton Abbey instead". WARNING. SPOILER ALERT. The basic premise of the show is the power goes out for good. The pilot episode starts out in present day Chicago, the day of the blackout. A concerned father busts into his home while his kids watch TV like zombies and his wife (who was on LOST) prepares for no more Internet, hairdryers, washing machines, toilets, Sunday HBO line-ups or GPS. They might as well jump off a bridge right now.

    Cut-to Bella's dad from Twilight and his friend/ homosexual lover (?) in a Mustang on the highway discussing dating protocol while Not Bella's Dad tries to download nudie pics onto his iPhone. The previously mentioned concernicus dad calls Chief Swan, because they're broskis, to warn him about the blackout, when BOOM. No more light. No more cars. No more nudie picks for Bella's Dad's pervy friend.

This is their life now.
    Fast forward 15 years later- Chicago is a barren waste-land and people have been forced to live on mini plantations like it's freaking Tara after the damn Yankees came and looted the place. Except in this situation, there are less black people, some Brits, ex Google CEO and  butt loads of corn. The zombie TV kids from before are now in their 20's and live in the small community with their still concerned father. Apparently their mother saw the smoke monster and scampered off into the woods and hasn't been seen since... I don't know- maybe she found a way back to The Island?

     So anyway, Gus from Breaking Bad comes into the picture as a captain or something of the Militia- yeah, the freaking MILITIA- and demands that Concerned Dad comes with him to find his brother, Bella's Dad (His real character name is Miles- so... I'm still going to refer to him as Bella's Dad, Billy Burke, or Charlie Swan- deal with it). The younger brother of the, now adult, zombie kids doesn't like this situation. Side note- his name is Danny. Danny has Bieber hair and clearly suffers from youngest child-syndrome, meaning that he is a total weenie. So Danny grabs a gun and points it at Militia Gus in a strange and out-of-character act of bravery. Boom goes the dynamite/gun/ a bunch of people get shot and hacked with axes while Concerned Dad actually gets hit with a stray bullet. His last words to his children were to find their Uncle Miles (Charlie Swan) in Chicago. So naturally the older girl, Charlie- takes it upon herself to find U.M and save her brother (oh right I forgot to mention that Danny was taken away by Gus and his merry band of meat heads after the shoot out at the OK Corral).

Charlie, British Betch, and Fat JJ Abrams. 
Charlie makes her way into Chicago, accompanied by the town doctor and an ex-Google CEO who I will here-on refer to as Fat JJ Abrams,  to find her Uncle. Oh and I can't forget to mention the spicy looking beefcake with a bow and arrow that she meets along the way- Boy Katniss Everdeen. BKE and the crew find Miles at some dive bar and Charlie fails at persuading him to help her. Right when you think that U.M sucks and should be a better uncle to his now orphaned niece, he channels his inner Forks Police Chief and identifies Boy Katniss as an undercover Militia member. SHOCK AND AWE.

"I am the  Ethnic Mockingjay"
"You killed my brother, prepare to die"
BKE brings the evil troops to Miles and Charlie to arrest him. But it sucks for them because Billy Burke goes Inigo Montoya on their asses and it's like the Hash Slinging Slasher busted up in this place and just killed everyone.

Meanwhile, Danny has escaped from his captors and is having asthma attacks outside some lady's house. Gus comes to find him and takes him away while the lady of the house scurries upstairs, whips out a flash drive and plugs it into her COMPUTER, and then turns on her LIGHTBULB and starts INSTANT MESSAGING someone. Is this bitch A? I call shenanigans.

If any of you have special requests for blog topics or shows for me to review- post a comment or tweet at me @shesarangasir. If your suggestion isn't totally ridiculous and I can both enjoy, and make fun of it- it may show up in future posts...maybe.