Saturday, January 11, 2014

Dames and Drama at Downton

After live-tweeting last week's Downton Abbey season premiere, I felt the need to blog again.
Will this be the same as by Bachelor and Bachelorette posts?
I don't think so.
You may be thinking "But Marnie, WHY THE HELL NOT?"
I'll tell you why not- my IQ and dignity are at stake if I spend 2 hours watching that crap, as is all of yours.
I can't rip on Downton like I rip on the Bachelor.
I mean come on people, this is an award-winning television program.
From England.
Starring Dame Maggie Smith.
I can't just make fun of Dame Maggie Smith.
I mean she's DAME MAGGIE SMITH, for sobbing out loud.

Can I nominate her to receive the elixir of life and be forever immortal?

I don't have that kind of jurisdiction?

Well that is pure poppy-cock.

This week on Downton Abbey, there's a big shindig going on and everyone is running around like a Beyonce just dropped another surprise album.

Poor Mrs. Patmore worried herself into a legitimate heart attack that was kind of glossed over in the wake of Branson trying to not sound like a total knob when conversing with the Duchess of Cougaring.

Thomas was a dick, as per usual. I get physically uncomfortable whenever Thomas is around. It's like when I cut my fingernails too short or my sock is half way off of my foot inside of my boot.

I don't see where Jimmy's plot line is going. Actually, I do know where it goes- to the pub where Ivy gets super turnt up while Alfred Charlie Brown sulks in the corner and Daisy sweats desperation into the prepared luncheon. Other than that I'm waiting for Jimmy to admit he's totally for dudes or get addicted to pain killers while his hand heals.

As for the upper-crusters, Lord and Lady Grantham are entertaining a whole mess of snobby people for a reason that is totally unclear and lost to me because, frankly, I'm preoccupied with Lady Mary being such a Debbie Downer. Take a man pill, Mare. We all feel the loss of beloved Matthew but now there's a new beefcake in town and she can get back in the ring. I'm not saying she needs to get back in the dating game to be an interesting character- I'm saying she needs to go back to being fierce, sassy and kind of a bitch because that's the Mary we know and love. Take a note from Queen Bey.

There's an Australian Opera singer involved in here somewhere and Carson totally dissed her and didn't initially invite her to dinner with the rest of the party. Robert only tolerated her presence when she started chatting him up about wine.

During the concert scene, Anna deals with the tension from earlier in the episode where a guest's butler was getting a little too friendly with her and Bates was like "WTF, Anna?" After complaining about a headache, Anna goes to get something to make her feel better and- to my absolute shock and dismay- gets cornered by the seedy butler in the kitchen and brutally beaten (and I'm assuming, raped). This had to be the most disturbing and upsetting thing to happen on the show. Yes, even worse than Sybil and Matthew dying in the same season. The entire scene made me want to vomit.

After swearing Mrs. Hughes to secrecy, Anna cleans herself up and puts on a happy face for her husband, who she can't tell about the incident because he would straight up murder the sick son of a bitch and go back to the clink. Bates can't go back to prison because then his storyline would get even more boring than that first time he was sent to prison.

Speaking of boring- *coughs* Lady Edith *coughs*

Where is the character development?
So she learned to drive a car. BIG DEAL.
She got jilted at the alter and is dating another senior citizen.
She dresses terribly and still detests her sister and never has anything remotely interesting to say except "I'm going into London again" and "Father will learn to like you, I promise."

You know what would be great- an unexpected pregnancy or elopement. Hell- I'd be cool with Mr. Gregson deciding to join the likes of the Third Reich once moving to Dusseldorf if it meant boosting this plot line.
I'm just saying it would be interesting

I need this show to maintain its regal manner but with a dash of CW Prime Time drama to keep it enticing. I think Edna sneaking into Branson's room at night covers that, don't you think?

I also need Granny to continue to be fabulously sassy.

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