Monday, May 27, 2013

Fill My Love Tank: A Tale of First Encounters

                                                           Welcome back friends!
"The Bachelorette is back!"

This season of the Bachelorette is going to be a rough one to sit through. 

You know when a movie trailer shows you basically the whole movie and you just sit there in the theater and go "Well okay that was basically the film - I guess I don't really need to see it. Pass the popcorn and milk duds please." This isn't like that. You can't tear your eyes away from a trainwreck like this. Try it. You can't do it.
Raise your hand if you can smell the irony
"Picture like the best dream you've ever had, and then times that by ten and then live in it".

Are we supposed to believe that all Des brings to the chateau is that tacky boho bag? It looks like something I found in the Anthropologie sale tent and passed over because it looked like someone gave an epileptic a red bull and a pack of glitter glue.

While candidly staring out at the coastline, Des says that she "believe[s] in this experience."
Funny, it makes me believe in induced vomiting. To each his (or her) own. 

To set the scene in Malibu, we get a nice shot of Des doing typical California things. Don't hassle her, she's local now. She roller skated down the boardwalk in jorts and a bikini top.

"I just, like, love companionship."

 Then get a freaking dog.


While watching the short segments on some of the men, we meet a certain "advertising entrepreneur". WAIT. Is he an "advertising entrepreneur" because he is one of those funky sign spinners you see outside Quiznos? 


Drew: The candidate for Senator with the voice of a 13 year old.

Brooks: He's a hugger.

Brad: But you can call me B-RAD.

Bryden: Besides the name, not memorable.

Micahel G: The "Let's go for a walk" guy. Find the penny bro, just find the freaking penny. 

Kasey: He creeped on her. He's a creeper. No more "hashtag" or I'll consider changing the title of my blog.

Will: Who we will call "Token" for obvious reasons (he's a banker, DUH). 

Mikey T: Has the right to (literal) bear arms. 

Jonathon: Most likely to be convicted of sexual assault in the workplace.

Zak W: Snaps for casting TWO Zaks ABC. He has nice abs. and he knows it. 

James: This one's all about loyalty. Des might get the dog I was talking about earlier. 

Larry:  My mom thought he was a woman at first glance so he is now dubbed Larry the Lady, He Who Makes Awkward Dance Introductions.

Nick R: Magician. A freaking magician. 

Zak K: Rockin' the converse. Respect. 

Diogo: Her knight in shining green card. 

Chris: CUTE and FUNNY and a potential favorite.

Mike R: McDreadful.

Robert: Fresh out the womb. 

Juan Pablo: HoLA. 

Brandon: Nice bike. horrible suit. 

Brian: Thought you were Nick Miller from New Girl for a sec there. Imagine my disappointment. 

Micah: He's a designer of tacky suits to go with Des' tacky bag. 

Nick M: He's a poet and we all wish we didn't know it. 

Dan: Director of beverage sales. Mom weighs in- "I wonder what beverage he sells."

(Honorable Mention)Brody: THE CUTEST THING EVER 
Anytime anyone opens their mouth to speak, ever. 

Ben: The exploiter of children. 

"I remember how hard this whole process is. Just be yourself", advises Desiree as the cocktail party begins. What a great story. Can you tell it again? Do you have time?


Naturally the magician/tailor needs to bring the focus on himself because he has an attention complex and make a terrible segue into alone time with Des. 

Brandon got a little testy when Des got pulled away by the magician so of course he swooped in and over-shared and called her his future wife. 

If I didn't write this blog while watching the show I would participate in every relevant drinking game . Sadly drunk blogging is a new low that I think I shouldn't approach until later in my post-grad career. 


1. Ben receives the first rose because he used his ridiculously adorable child to impress Desiree. 

2. All hell breaks loose when Shirtless Zak decides to peel off the rest of his clothes and takes a dip in the pool. We get it Taylor Lautner, you have a sweet bod. Therefore we congratulate you with a rose.

3. Drew, the prepubescent voiced delegate from Arizona nabs himself a boutonniere after managing to not let his voice crack for five straight minutes. 
Jonathan is HAMSKIEEEEEEEEEEEED and is "going to try and kiss Desiree on the mouth". 
Ten points for Drunkendor! 
His "love tank" hasn't been depleted in years. 
We are looking at a very large love tank. 
The size of this love tank could safely house the entire Duggar family, Kanye West's ego, and Kim Kardashian's ass.  
Sadly, Jonathan, you are the weakest link. Goodbye. 
Can we fast forward to the Rose Ceremony now Des? I can feel myself losing IQ points. I already started liking Ke$ha, I can't afford to lose anymore to this show. 

Rose Ceremony

See ya never; Diogo, Larry, and Magic Nick. 

May you find love some other way that isn't broadcasted to the entire nation, and Canada.


THIS SEASON On the Bachelorette:

Shock, awe, surprise, love, fondling, hugging, squabbling, ball grabbing, punching, crying, UGLY crying, deception, lying, ex-girlfriends, swearing, groveling, regret, more ugly crying, forehead rubbing, human sacrifice, white walkers, and dragons. 

The only way to cope.

                             I hope we all make it through this season with our sanity intact. 

Monday, May 20, 2013

Bachelorette Preview: Let's Meet Some of The Men

   So here we are again. Another season of the Bachelorette and the one year anniversary of this blog starting! This time around we have Desiree Hartsock as Our Lady Desperately Seeking Spouse. I'm doing you all a solid by giving you a little pre-cursor to what men we have to look at for two hours every Monday night. Seriously ABC, could we not just let our brains rot for the one hour? We have to sit through TWO? 

  This is making me upset already and the season hasn't even premiered yet. Let's just move along to the beefy bachelors, sarcasm, and cynicism already.

But maybe this time we should let the men speak for themselves, right? 

Or maybe I could just do it for them? 

I prefer the latter. 
Hi, my name's Mike. I'm a Federal Prosecutor from New York and probably the most attractive contestant this season. Women of America will swoon over my robust biceps and charming smile while I subtly remind them that I look like that guy from Smallville, which practically makes me Superman. I enjoy long walks on the beach and ironing my v-neck tees that come in an array of pastel and jewel tones. My manicurist's name is Debbie and I'm allergic to ugly people. 

How's it hangin'? I'm Brad from Denver, The Sunshine State. I'm an accountant/DJ so you know I have no idea what the hell I want to do with my life. When I'm not doing your taxes or spinning mad funky beats for the insanely drunk college crowd, I take my labradoodles, Lysander and Gwenivere down to the park and let them frolic while other people stare at my freakishly symmetrical face and distressed colored shirt that says, I'm moderately to severely boring but I like to party. 

Hey ya'll I'm Jonathon. I've got dreamy eyes and a jawline that makes menopausal women go weak in the knees. I'm doing this half smile here that implies that I'm adorable but I don't know it. But I totally do. This fitted t-shirt perfectly accents my eyes and emphasizes my pecs, which are spectacular by the way. I'm an attorney but that's boring so I'll just stare into your eyes while you talk about all the kids you want until the producers come over and remind me to blink and tell me my hair looks amazing. Because it always does. 

I'm Ben, I'm from Lubbock Texas WOOOOO HOOK EM HORNS! And I'm an entrepreneur . I'm super cute and this shirt looks really good on me so maybe I'll buy some more and sell them and just keep being an entrepreneur. Cool, yeah... awesome- are there snacks later or do we just keep making out with lady and talking to the camera?

Hey there I'm James. I just got back from the tanning salon so excuse my glistening T-zone and cleft chin. I have these really defined eyebrows and perfected hairstyle that make people go WHAT?! And then I smile and they're like HOW?! And I do a little wink and swagger off into the sunset while adjusting my huge watch to all the time zones that ABC will send all of us dudes to this season. Oh, and I'm the rumored winner. 

Hi, I'm Larry from Kansas. I look like I came straight out of a Lens Crafters commercial and that's about it. 

Oh hey my name is Micah. I'm from Minnesota so you betchyur bottom dollar I'm gonna have an accent! My head is too small for my body and I'll probably go home the first night but that's okay because I'll have made great friends and managed not to cry on camera while Desiree picks from this sea of boring white guys. 

WAZZAP. The name's Mike- OBVIOUSLY. My v- neck is so deep like my soul and I'm a plumbing contractor from  Chicago.  I'll redo your bathroom and then we can go grab some deep dish pizza and catch a Cubs game. Maybe after we could swing by that Polish restaurant Creepy Chris took Emily to during hometown dates last season. Maybe. I don't know though they may make me put on a shirt that isn't as plunging as this. 

Salutations! My name is Nick. I'm a tailor AND a magician so whoever casted for this season is definitely getting fired or peeing their pants laughing in the control room editing these episodes. When I'm not being a tailor, I'm performing magic like any other self-respecting 26 year old man. Let's run off into the sunset while I bring in that seam and fix that hem on your Rose Ceremony dress, are those real Swarovski crystals? THEY ARE? Oh wow, this beadwork will take some time but I'll just say Abracadabra and POOF it'll be complete! I do childrens' birthdays and bachelorette parties.  

Howdy, my name is Robert, but you can call me Baby Robert because I look like I just came out of the womb. 

In western Washington, born and raised- in a bank is where I spend most of my days.  Chillin' out, maxin' relaxin' all cool, doin' some bankin' like I learned in school. My name is Will Smith. That's really my name. I'm not kidding. I'm also the only black guy on this show. And I'm not even sure if that dig in my eyebrow was intentional. I'm not even really supposed to be here actually. I was on my way to Costco when somebody from the show came up to me on the street and asked if I wanted to be on TV. I said- "Uh maybe" and now I'm here. They said there'd be snacks. Is that Nutella? 

Drew here. I'm incredibly handsome and sometimes look like Ryan Gosling in the right light. There is this much gel in my hair every day and yes, my eyes are that blue. Desiree and I belong together because my mom told me I needed a girlfriend and this is how you get a girlfriend these days. 
I'm 6' 2" so I can get things off the top shelf and clean a gutter by standing on my tip toes. I look like I could run for senate and win solely based off of my good looks and approachable demeanor.

So there we have it. This is only a small sample of the gems we'll get to know and loathe on this season of The Bachelorette, I left out some men for the sake of surprise.

Enjoy the show on Monday, everyone. 

I know I will.