Tuesday, June 26, 2012

ABC Family Problems

Dear ABC Family,
    Why do you suck so much? Why did you stop showing reruns of Gilmore Girls and Boy Meets World? Why do you keep trying to make your own original shows that no one wants to watch...but we can't help but watch?

WHY did this show get cancelled...and these others stayed...
 Let's review:

Secret Life of the American (alternative universe) Teenager
Praying for better writers and acting coaches
Band geek,Amy, gets pregnant by the bad boy, Ricky, who is a sexually abused foster child, who is ALSO hooking up with a girl with daddy issues, who ends up befriending a Christ Crusader, whose mom used to be married to the pregnant girl's dad, who is now married to Molly Ringwald. There's also  at least one character who fulfills every race, stereotype, and imaginable demographic. What is the angle here? Bad actors+ bad storylines + openly (and awkwardly) talking about sex with every person in a scene = Buttloads of viewers and ratings. I honestly don't get it. The plot is ridiculous and the characters are annoying and I don't know WHAT is wrong with the pregnant girl's sister's voice...is she a tranny? I stopped watching Preggers -as so many of us fondly call it- about halfway through the first season and haven't watched a minute since. Apparently, now Amy has a kid, is marrying previously mentioned bad boy, Jesus Freak lost her v-card, daddy issues girl is pregs too, wants to marry the sausage king of Chicago where ever the hell they live, and Molly Ringwald now prefers tacos to hotdogs (if ya know what I'm sayin').
It's a trainwreck, it's awful, but you can't look away.

Pretty Little Liars
A mullet, or ANYTHING  is better than this. 
Is it just me or does Rosewood, PA never experience winter...just a shit-ton of creepy stuff. Spencer is kind of a bitch with really good clothes. Aria is a trendy freak with an old dude fetish. Hanna is a former clepto with a boyfriend who basically has Bachelor #benshairproblems. Emily likes the taco and got shitfaced on the daily while building huts in Haiti. This is an exceptional group of young ladies being stalked by a group of sociopaths who like the color red too much. Mona's in the nuthouse, Lucas is playing World of Warcraft, Aria's brother lives in the closet and her dad, Rob Lowe's less attractive and talented brother schtooped the psycho killer from One Tree Hill/ Jodie Sawyer from Center Stage. I don't even know how they found a Mariska Hargitay twinsy to play Spencer's butch mom.

Did anyone else think that Nanny Carrie/the doctor from Vampire Diaries/ bitch-face Melissa had her baby and gave it to like, ninjas or something to be raised as a future A-teamer?
Just me?

Jane By Design/Nine Lives of Chloe King/Switched at Birth
No. Just... no.

Lying Game
Wait so it's the same person who did PLL? There are twins? There are lies? Everyone is pretty? They live in a wealthy suburb? Run out of ideas Sara Shepard? I do like this show more than most ABC Fam atrocities, but when they bring David Wallace (ex-CEO of Dunder Mifflin) and the sketchy brother from Heroes into the cast, I doubt my loyalties to Sutton Mercer/Emma Becker's stealthy lives. Sidenote: anyone notice how the-not-deaf-girl from Switched at Birth's ex-boyfriendo is Sutton/Emma's bad boy lover, Ethan? He was also evil-English lad, Oscar on 90210...fun fact: he's from Atlanta.

I didn't think that something written and produced by the genius who wrote and produced Gilmore Girls could suck so much. If you want viewers...and to actually make a believable and acceptable storyline, here are some tips:
1. Don't cast a girl who looks like she's pushing 38 to play a YOUNG Vegas showgirl/dancer.
2. Don't make Kelly Bishop's character "Emily Gilmore reincarnated/with weird decorating taste"
3. You can't kill off Alan Ruck AKA Cameron Frye in the first episode. You just can't.
I feel ya, buddy. 

 Basically ABC Fam, step up your game. I will be keeping my judgemental eye on these shows... because I simply can't NOT watch them.

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Bachelorette Problems

One of 9876545678 selfies taken
   Now I'm going to level with everyone. I do not, by any means, intend to enjoy the Bachelorette/Bachelor before each season. But somehow, every time, I end up hopelessly devoted to the show- even if it makes me want to jump off the back of Titanic, Rose style. I really should place some blame on my mother and my friends for dragging me back to the well. Every season of this show starts with me, Kelley Anne, MEAGHAN and Devon (and sometimes Kyle) discussing who the next loser looking for love is. We hold a "weekly  meeting" where we gather 'round ye old HD TV and make fun of/root for the "contestants".  Last week was rough for me, the fistfull of assholes ventured to London, so naturally I am a sobbing mess because America is boring and I'd much rather be silently stalking Prince Harry and eating Snog than vicariously living through Sean as he takes endless selfies in front of Buckingham Palace. 

  This season holds a special place in my short attention span for the bluntness and overall interrogation style-approach that the Bachelorette, Emily, has adopted. I admire her calling out everyone on their shit...Ryan with his overall douche-baggery, Alessandro and his lack of Muzzy/Hooked on Phonics application with the word 'compromise', and let's not forget dear Kalon and his love for Lip Smackers and child shaped luggage. 

   On the whirlwind that is Emily's polygamist romance with 6 dudes, this week the sad bitch chose to venture to Croatia. I feel bad for her sometimes, because she's had two failed engagements and wears her PJ's out in public...but mostly because she kept DJ Stevie around for so long. 
SO- back to Croatia. Emily took Egg Man Travis on a one-on-one date around the city of Dvkbjsoduisghsdajkg, Croatia (the land of no vowels). They strolled around the streets and Travis squeaked out overly-positive responses to Emily and her nasty ass pistachio gelato as he slobbered all over it. That must have been when Emily realized he was more of a half-retarded puppy than he was a potential husband. She pulled the "no spark" card and crestfallen Travis ugly cried on camera and shame-peed in the corner before moseying back to Mississippi on one of the donkeys that Jon AKA "Wolf" sexually abused before the not-so-Croatian Highland Games. 

"Don't break eye contact on me, dude"
  The group date was sad, yet hilarious. Jef with one F (age 12 and minus one finger), made his hair do that flippy thing he likes, like he saw that guy in that band do one time. Doug and Chris looked like they were about to explosively shit all over each other while playing tug of war the wrong way, while Hot Ass Sean exceeded in all events and literally broke a 12 foot log with sheer strength and hair bleach. 

  Let us not forget what brought the men to these games, Wolf-raped donkeys and the completely age-appropriate Pixar film, Brave. How many times can you guys plug the movie in five minutes? The limit does not exist. Jef with one F was all "I like,relate to the movie, Brave, like,because that little girl was in danger of like, being a child-bride and like...so am I". 

  Way to completely mess with our minds about who you wanted to haster lavister this week, Emily. Wolf whipped out real, raw, emotions after hiding behind el burro all week so I get why you had to keep him around but toying with the audience about losing our precious, dear Seattle Daddy Dougie is just cruel. Good news though, Doug will see another day, as long as he learns to hug in non-awkward ways and not cry...like, ever again. 

  Oh HOW could I forget Speed Racer and Ugly Zach Braff Arie's petty attempt to get some action but "checking in on Emily" after she let go of Ryan. Is it me or does he always look a little jaundice in the whole facial area?  Que ev-ver Arie, we know you go back to Talladega once Emily finds out you schtooped a producer on the show. That is SO I Wanna Marry Ryan Banks.

Chris Harrison is lacing all supplemental roses with various strains of smallpox to make this season end ASAP. 

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Channel Surfing

Today's Problem: Nothing to watch on TV

We all hate it.

MTV is having a Teen Mom marathon and you're tired of seeing Amber beat the shit out of Gary again so you look for alternative programs. All the good movies are on Starz or Shotime and stupid Charter charges so much for cable, my parents only get HBO and Cinemax. No good movies are ever on those channels. A girl can only watch The Blind Side so many times. I hope to the television gods that it's a Harry Potter weekend on ABC Fam, but then I realize it's a Thursday. What Not to Wear is never an option because Stacy London's rando grey streak gives me the heebie jeebies and Clinton's overuse of gingham and bow ties is unbearable. Even if I wait for WNTW to end, TLC has a dissappointing line-up of Baby Story or Supernanny back-to-backers.

Maybe Bravo will show me some love. Nope. It's Millionaire Matchmaker and that show with the flamboyantly gay guy who sells houses or something. Oxygen? Negatory- 6 whole hours of Lifetime-esque movies that deal with rape and shit.

If you haven't realized it by now... I watch an unhealthy amount of television. Whatever.

TNT? AMC? TBS? Why does Major League Baseball have to be broadcasted on all of these basic cable networks? What does a girl have to do to get a an episode of Friends or Gilmore Girls rerun up in this bitch?

Netflix is taking to long to load and I've already made a substantial dent in the Movie and TV show library that really shouldn't be humanly possible.

Shall I watch a DVD? Do they even make those anymore? Oh Well, the Blu-Ray is broken anyway.

Guess I'll read a book or something?

KIDDING. Remember the Titans magically emerged from ABC Fam's womb and I'm set for the next 2 hours.

Problem SOLVED.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

So Many Problems

HELLO WORLD (or everyone I know on Twitter and Facebook)! Welcome to the first post of my new blog. I blogged about my european adventures from my semester abroad and now I'm here to blog about anything and everything else that effects me, happens to me, bothers me, or makes me have interesting/irrelevant thoughts or opinions. Essentially, things that are #marnieproblems.

   To kick of this brand new spankin' blog I'll tell you all about my most recent #marnieproblem... knee surgery. Last October I hurt my knee in dance class at school and hobbled around URI like Tiny Tim for few weeks (did not go to the doctor, just took buttloads of ibuprofen) and didn't get it looked at until 2 days before leaving for spring semester in London. The orthopedist told me I had some mucho grande  damage-o to my knee but it wouldn't be bad to go to London anyway as long as I avoided stairs and remained cautious. I got to London... walked up to my dorm building... 6 floor walk up, WITH SUITCASES. Luckily I had no knee pain for the entire semester and I walked EVERYWHERE. Naturally, with my luck, I return to America and mess up my knee again by dancing to One Direction in my kitchen. I mean if I'm going to injure myself dancing to a British boy band... I'm glad it was 1D.

So after what felt like a million doctor's appointments and repeating my medical history at least 14 times I got checked out, scheduled, and sliced open arthroscopic-style to pull the peanut m&m sized chunks of cartilage out my lateral somethings and drill holes somewhere to generate fresh cartilage and ultimately leave me on crutches for 6 weeks. I don't know about anyone else, buy I prefer peanut m&ms to be in my mouth, not camping out in my knee.

I have many fond memories from this surgical experience already... and it's only day 3. When I woke up in the Recovery room I was a tad drugged out and in my happy place. I had a lovely nurse. Her name was Carol. Carol and I bonded, or I thought we did... I was on a morphine drip and sleep deprived. So frankly, I could have been bonding with the ice chip bucket for all I know.

On the way home we stopped a few times to pick up some necessary items for recuperation like magazines and crutch puppies. Marnie, what pray-tell are these crutch puppies you speak of? Well let me inform you kind sir or madam, crutch puppies are like little stuffed animals that wrap around the top parts of crutches so you're underarms don't cry a river of tears. Best part about crutch puppies, they make me look younger. Really- no one will believe I'm almost 21 when I crutch around with two stuffed animals wedged under my arms. Whatever, haters gonna hate.

Now I'm just going to rattle off some pros and cons of having knee surgery:

lots of sleepy time drugs

Said sleepy time drugs must be taken throughout the day, causing me to fall asleep in the middle of every movie/show I attempt to watch...leaving me confused and angry when I fall asleep watching Boy Meets World and wake up to The 700 Club.

From all the day time naps I wake up early enough to watch Boy Meets World reruns.

Day time naps mean no night time long naps.... creating a vicious cycle of half-watched BMW episodes and having to watch John Carter 7 times to get the gist of the whole movie.

Lewis and my Mom are at my beck and call and bring me things that I want and/or need

Lewis does not respond positively to me calling him my "bitch" or "wench". I'm also pretty sure he's going to make me pay when I can do things for myself again.

Major Con:
My mom having to help me shower...

Major Major Con:
Netflix only has 3 seasons of Parks and Rec available to instant watch.

I can't really think of anymore at the moment,  I just took another vicodin and will be passing out in approximately 5 minutes.

Standby for more #marnieproblems- they all won't be about my bum knee I cross my heart and hope to listen to Nickelback forever- WAIT WAIT . I take that back. Cross my heart and hope to make it through this episode of South Park.