Tuesday, June 26, 2012

ABC Family Problems

Dear ABC Family,
    Why do you suck so much? Why did you stop showing reruns of Gilmore Girls and Boy Meets World? Why do you keep trying to make your own original shows that no one wants to watch...but we can't help but watch?

WHY did this show get cancelled...and these others stayed...
 Let's review:

Secret Life of the American (alternative universe) Teenager
Praying for better writers and acting coaches
Band geek,Amy, gets pregnant by the bad boy, Ricky, who is a sexually abused foster child, who is ALSO hooking up with a girl with daddy issues, who ends up befriending a Christ Crusader, whose mom used to be married to the pregnant girl's dad, who is now married to Molly Ringwald. There's also  at least one character who fulfills every race, stereotype, and imaginable demographic. What is the angle here? Bad actors+ bad storylines + openly (and awkwardly) talking about sex with every person in a scene = Buttloads of viewers and ratings. I honestly don't get it. The plot is ridiculous and the characters are annoying and I don't know WHAT is wrong with the pregnant girl's sister's voice...is she a tranny? I stopped watching Preggers -as so many of us fondly call it- about halfway through the first season and haven't watched a minute since. Apparently, now Amy has a kid, is marrying previously mentioned bad boy, Jesus Freak lost her v-card, daddy issues girl is pregs too, wants to marry the sausage king of Chicago where ever the hell they live, and Molly Ringwald now prefers tacos to hotdogs (if ya know what I'm sayin').
It's a trainwreck, it's awful, but you can't look away.

Pretty Little Liars
A mullet, or ANYTHING  is better than this. 
Is it just me or does Rosewood, PA never experience winter...just a shit-ton of creepy stuff. Spencer is kind of a bitch with really good clothes. Aria is a trendy freak with an old dude fetish. Hanna is a former clepto with a boyfriend who basically has Bachelor #benshairproblems. Emily likes the taco and got shitfaced on the daily while building huts in Haiti. This is an exceptional group of young ladies being stalked by a group of sociopaths who like the color red too much. Mona's in the nuthouse, Lucas is playing World of Warcraft, Aria's brother lives in the closet and her dad, Rob Lowe's less attractive and talented brother schtooped the psycho killer from One Tree Hill/ Jodie Sawyer from Center Stage. I don't even know how they found a Mariska Hargitay twinsy to play Spencer's butch mom.

Did anyone else think that Nanny Carrie/the doctor from Vampire Diaries/ bitch-face Melissa had her baby and gave it to like, ninjas or something to be raised as a future A-teamer?
Just me?

Jane By Design/Nine Lives of Chloe King/Switched at Birth
No. Just... no.

Lying Game
Wait so it's the same person who did PLL? There are twins? There are lies? Everyone is pretty? They live in a wealthy suburb? Run out of ideas Sara Shepard? I do like this show more than most ABC Fam atrocities, but when they bring David Wallace (ex-CEO of Dunder Mifflin) and the sketchy brother from Heroes into the cast, I doubt my loyalties to Sutton Mercer/Emma Becker's stealthy lives. Sidenote: anyone notice how the-not-deaf-girl from Switched at Birth's ex-boyfriendo is Sutton/Emma's bad boy lover, Ethan? He was also evil-English lad, Oscar on 90210...fun fact: he's from Atlanta.

I didn't think that something written and produced by the genius who wrote and produced Gilmore Girls could suck so much. If you want viewers...and to actually make a believable and acceptable storyline, here are some tips:
1. Don't cast a girl who looks like she's pushing 38 to play a YOUNG Vegas showgirl/dancer.
2. Don't make Kelly Bishop's character "Emily Gilmore reincarnated/with weird decorating taste"
3. You can't kill off Alan Ruck AKA Cameron Frye in the first episode. You just can't.
I feel ya, buddy. 

 Basically ABC Fam, step up your game. I will be keeping my judgemental eye on these shows... because I simply can't NOT watch them.

No comments:

Post a Comment

Say what ya want- but if it's negative I'll cut a betch.