Saturday, December 6, 2014

It's Good To Be Back.

I'll be honest with you, I have no idea what this new Bachelor, Chris Soules, is all about.  So I can't comment on him (yet), but that doesn't mean I'm at a loss for words.

I've been out of the game for a bit with this show. But I felt compelled to revisit it by the recent release of women who will be vying for this dude's heart. 'Why?' you may ask...because this group of women may be the worst thing to happen to feminism since the sandwich, and I'm not going to stand idly by without ripping them to pieces from behind my computer screen on the comfort of my own couch.

I picked out a few winners (and painfully obvious losers) to give you all a little preview of what this season will have in store.

Ballet Teacher 
"I teach young girls to hate their bodies from the moment they walk into my studio. Toddler cankles make me want to vomit in my Louis Vuitton handbag."

"I'm the only person on this show who doesn't need to go tanning and will unfortunately not make it to week 4."

Plus-sized model
"I'm going to get an inordinate amount of attention for my occupation because I'm not a size -4. Let's hope Chris is all about the bass." 

WWE Diva-In-Training
"I missed the casting call for E! Network's 'Total Divas.'
I can put my whole fist inside my mouth, wanna see?"

Cruise Ship Singer
"I tried out for American Idol six time and fell into a pit of despair and self-loathing that led me out into Open Water where my loneliness is amplified in my 4" x 6" cabin below the lido deck. I hate myself for knowing what a lido deck is and for so much more." 

"I'm 24 and have given up all hope of finding a partner at a bar or in a park like any other sane person my age."

High School Soccer Coach
"I didn't get the memo about the jewel-toned wardrobe and I'm trying to overcompensate for the association of masculinity in my occupation."

Dental Hygienist
"'re kidding. I'm the ONLY dental hygienist this season?"

Wedding Cake Decorator
"In bed, I make the guy do his best New Jersey accent and call me 'The Cake Boss.'"

Real Estate Agent
"I'm dead behind the eyes and just had an enema."

Cadaver Tissue Salesperson
"I sell dead people."

4th Grade Teacher
"Boys and girls your homework for the next 8 weeks is to tune in to ABC every Monday night and watch Miss Tracy discredit herself as a responsible educator on national television."

Special Education Teacher 
"I definitely get my asshole bleached."

Have a favorite yet? 

This is going to be fun. 

Sunday, October 12, 2014

A 23 Year Old's Experience At The One Direction Tour Movie

Friends, Romans (AKA people I don't really talk to anymore but read this blog anyway because it showed up on their Facebook newsfeed- bless your little hearts-), countrymen, lend me your ears.

Gather round, ye merry readers

I am a One Direction fan.

And I don't care if you judge me.

Now as a totally non age-appropriate member of this fandom, I oddly feel no shame. 
There are guilty pleasures I have but I don't feel guilty about this at all. 
Disclaimer: Guilty pleasures include- Lifetime Movies, Instagramming until the cows come home, and leftover Chinese food being consumed before 10 am. 
I mean.. look at them. 

I attended a showing of the concert film Sunday night with a fellow 20-something who I went to the actual concert with at MetLife Stadium in August because we felt the need to re-live one of the best nights of our lives together.

The theater was not packed, but obviously teeming with teenage girls and quintessential angst.

Only a few of them were wearing Uggs- PROGRESS.

The film begins with an interview with the boys, a few questions about tour habits, the new album, favorite moments from different shows across the world, a weird bit about some undergarments and a whole lot of Harry Styles looking like an absolute, curly-haired, adorable, new born baby otter with the sex appeal of 1960's Marlon Brando and a half-retarded puppy all wrapped up in a pair of skinny jeans and a bandana.

Just think about it. It eventually makes sense.

He is almost on the verge of becoming a young Keith Richards with Mick Jagger dance moves and let me tell you, Mr. Styles may be the source of many a teenage girl's sexual awakening.

It's happening...

There was an incessant amount of chatter and squealing as the interviewer asked questions and the mesmerizing accents of the band filled the theater.

Sharp gasps and excessive face-grabbing occurred whenever any of them spoke.

It was like those Rocky Horror participant screenings but with braces and excessive ugly crying.

Please note that the crying is not from excitement, but because they know they will never be this happy ever again.

You can see the hope draining from their souls

It wasn't until the actual concert footage from the Milan show in San Sira Stadium that there was a substantial surge of estrogen-fueled mania coursing through everyone's veins.

This doesn't help

A rather poetic soul sitting behind me shouted out some lovely phrases such as "YAAAAAAAAS" at the sight of Niall winking at the camera.

"STAAAAAAAAAHP" as Zayn hit the high notes in "You And I."

And my personal favorite "F&#! MY A$%,"  for when Liam was the only one on stage as the rest of band used the facilities.

There was singing and dancing and convulsions of grandeur during "Best Song Ever" and the classic, "What Makes You Beautiful."

Now you're probably thinking- "Marnie, where were these children's parents?" And I will tell you that there was one brave mother sitting in a seat on the aisle who looked on as an entire theater simultaneously sobbed and screamed with an expression that cried "You all need Jesus."

I can't speak for the others in that theater but I don't think I need Jesus. 

I need 8 million dollars and a fast metabolism.

And concert tickets. 

Definitely concert tickets. 

Monday, August 18, 2014

The Haters Gonna Hate (Hate Hate Hate Hate)

Everyone is freaking out about Taylor Swift's new single, new album, new album title, new album cover, new mascara, new shoes, new boyfriend, new purse, and new shade of blood orange lipstick.

Let's just go with the theme that everything TaySwizz is now new.

She's definitely bringing a new sound with her latest single "Shake It Off."

It's catchy and upbeat and surprisingly not about a boy, heartache, love, or any of that. It's about her sticking it to all the asshats out there and yes... shaking it off.

The chorus is a mantra that will most likely pump through the earphones of women (and men comfortable with their sexuality) and put a little pep in their step. The radio will overplay it and nine year olds will create choreographed routines to it in basements. Moms will make their newborn babies shimmy to it and damn it all to hell if an all-male sports team doesn't make a viral video with synchronized dude dancing.


I do not like Taylor Swift.

Maybe it's because she's 2 years older than me and accomplished way more than I could ever hope and I'm a tad pissed.

Maybe it's because some of her songs lyrics make me think "This could be the worst thing for feminism since the sandwich."

Maybe it's her fling with Harry Styles.

Maybe it's because she's friends with Ed Sheeran and I'm not.

And I will tell you- it is all of these things a lot of things.

So I will say it again.

I do not like Taylor Swift.

BUT- I do like this song. More importantly I like the video. I love self-depricating humor. More importantly I love when celebrities participate in self-depricating humor. This video is a pretty little present wrapped in a bow as far as I'm concerned.

Swift is infamously known for her painfully white dance moves at award shows and her own concerts. I've seen her at a few Ed Sheeran shows and she makes me look like I could be in a Beyonce video (*sigh*).

In this video, she shakes what her momma gave her (awkward thrusting motions and glutes that practically concave into her abdomen) in various outfits in homage to all of the different dance styles she definitely, 100% cannot do.

First we have Ballet:

Hip Hop:


The robot:
and whatever this is...

At some point in the video we see Stella getting her groove back/ Taylor assaulting people with said groove. Then we cut to...


...And a rap that probably, most definitely, did not need to be added to song.  But it will give twelve-year-olds so much street cred when they whip out their ability to match tone, pitch and cadence when their moms blast this over the mini van speakers.

Prediction: We will all download this song. And we will all regret that decision in less than a month. 

We'll probably wish our music libraries and this song will never ever ever get back together. Like...ever. 

Not saying my interest isn't piqued for this new album though... maybe I'll take "Taylor Swift" off of my Tumblr blacklist for a bit...see what happens.

You can shake your bon bon and watch the full video for "Shake It Off" here

Wednesday, June 25, 2014

I'm all about the Ginger Jesus

This is giving me heart palpitations jut looking at it.

A concert is a religious experience. 

People find God at concerts. 

I normally find people who clearly haven't showered in a fortnight, but its a religious experience all the same, because I'm there for the music not the people. 

The lights dim, people start screaming and speaking in tongues. 

Vibrations pump through speakers and pulse through your veins from a simple tap on the microphone. 

Fists tighten, smiles widen, there may be some tears. 

A single spotlight flicks on in the center of the stage and a scraggly redhead bends over his guitar and starts picking the strings like someone who has fifteen fingers. 

I'm not a religious person, by any means,  but I'm all about the Ginger Jesus.

Ed Sheeran, the 23 year old Brit, released his sophomore album entitled "x" on Monday. 

If you know me personally, you know I love music, ginger people, and becoming absolutely obsessed with things and thriving on the shameless bliss they bring me. 

Well...check, check, aaaaaand check because this album had me resorting to illegal downloads, hours of reblogging on Tumblr and the most serious case of FOMO since looking at pictures of my friends on Facebook while they were studying abroad. 

Sheeran demonstrates flawless musicality on tracks like Thinking Out Loud, Runaway, and Take It Back. 

Putting it bluntly on Take It Back; "I'm not a rapper, I'm a singer with a flow" Ed doesn't disappoint with clever rhymes and references to School of Rock, Macy Gray, and a chorus that has me humming loudly and visibly-white-person-head-bobbing on a crowded subway during rush hour. 

I heard some of these new tracks at the Ed concert I went to (last-minute) a few weeks ago and am now ferociously searching for his next US tour dates online every waking moment. I had a pretty beastly week at work and after hearing from a fellow Sheerio with an extra ticket- my mood instantaneously bounced back.

That being my third show of his in the past ten months, I will be fangirling my way through life (per usual) until his next visit to the states. NEXT TIME IN THE FRONT ROW. WITH FACE PAINT. AND A LEGIT CAMERA. 

Needless to say, I can't wait to go to church.

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Did anyone else catch the "Queer as Folk" jab?

I know a lot of the people who read this blog are too busy watching The Bachelor's Hot Ass Sean and Catherine get married tonight to watch Downton Abbey. I can accept that. Just don't forget to come back after the recording ends on your DVRs.

They deserve each other.
This Week on Downton:

Bates' bullshit senses are tingling and the look on his face let's us all know he will find out exactly why Anna has been so cold lately. Will Mr. Bates go Patrick Bateman on everyone's ass for keeping this secret? Will Lord Gillingham's valet be road kill by the end of the episode?

There's a new ladies' maid in the house, and her name is Baxter.
Is she bad?
Is she good?
Is she only temporary?
Will she force Mrs. Patmore to accept the progression of technology?
Yo no se.
see what I did there?

While Isabelle wrestles with hiring a new gardener or something, Dr. Clarkson still hasn't gotten the hint that he has been banished to the Friend Zone.

Alfred channels his inner Julia Child as he prepares for his audition/try out/test round at the Ritz, while Lady Mary has a gentlemen caller who tries his very best not to just come out and say "You've been in my thoughts recently, and you're still super hot."

SURPRISE. Lady Edith is going to London again.

Mrs. Hughes drops the bomb on Bates about the dealio with his wife.
Did she break girl code?
Hell no- insert feminist rant here- because she shouldn't have kept the secret to begin with.

It's weird how british people say "lift" instead of "elevator", kinda like how Justin Bieber says "F***k Bill Clinton" instead of "I am a massive piece of shit."
Go change, your diaper first. 

If there is ever talk again of Branson and Little Sybie moving to America, I may have a conniption- unless there is a spin-off show named after the street they live on in bustling 1920's USA.

I just realized that the boy Isabelle hired to do...whatever job she hired him to do, is named "Young Peg."
What adolescent lad is named "Peg"?
And pre-fixed with the word "young" no less.
I'll show you a "Young Peg"...

Next week it seems that Edith's beloved Mr. Gregson has disappeared from London...and joined the Nazi Party? Am I even in the correct historical time period?
He's probably hanging from a tree by the straps of his Leiderhosen, chugging a Beck's.

Monday, January 20, 2014

"You had me at 'You fill my brain'."

The drama at Downton has been turned up to 11.
So I guess I got what I asked for.

Between Edna threatening to trap Branson with a hypothetical love/roofie child, and Mary being proposed to after 3 days I really do feel like I've been transported into an episode of One Tree Hill.

Everyone is suspecting that something is wrong with Anna because for once she is the one with something to hide and apparently Mrs. Hughes is the keeper of secrets. In this episode Anna, Branson, and Mr. Carson confide in Mrs. Hughes about their respective problems; each one worse than the previous. The woman should start her own "Dear Abby"  column in the local newspaper- if only we knew her real first name.

Jimmy and Ivy finally macked but sad, gangly Albert walked in on them. Daisy is so thirsty for Albert it's getting ridiculous- even Mrs. Patmore told her to roll her tongue back into her mouth.
Could this Ritz training program be Albert's ticket out of Downton?
Could it be Daisy's as well?
Did she ever accept that offer from William's father to run the farm?

Let's see what else happened this week...Edna got clingy and manipulative, Rose might be into black guys, Mr. Carson has a soul, Thomas is still a dick, Jimmy seems cracked out, Lady Edith wore that hideous orange and blue frock again after she shacked up with Mr. Gregson. EDITH SHACKED UP WITH MR. GREGSON.

Yeah, actually. 
Aunt Rosamund called her out for sneaking into the flat at around 6 AM, and Edith was offended by her slut shaming. But come on, Edith- The man is moving to Germany in a week, he obviously wants to get into your knickers before he is stuck in the land of sausage.

Auntie Roz should be more concerned with Rose's date who got shmacked at the dancing club and was basically throwing around the poor girl like a rag doll.

super turnt up
Anna and Bates are in a tiff- because apparently this is now a Lifetime movie where Anna is the teenage victim who thinks the entire situation is her fault. Mrs. Hughes is the character usually played by Marcia  Gay Harden or post-nose job Jennifer Grey, who comforts the victim and pleads with them to tell the police or go to the doctor. Basically Anna is continuing to shut out Mr. Bates and mope about the house- even Lady Grantham is noticing.

Mary and Tony want each other- they want each other BAD. But Mary is still deeply in love with Matthew.

Sigh.... aren't we all?
She can't move on yet. Although her facial expression totally screamed "You had me at 'You fill my brain.'"

I sense Tony will be coming back- hopefully he won't bring his valet... or his other girlfriend.

and if they do...

Saturday, January 11, 2014

Dames and Drama at Downton

After live-tweeting last week's Downton Abbey season premiere, I felt the need to blog again.
Will this be the same as by Bachelor and Bachelorette posts?
I don't think so.
You may be thinking "But Marnie, WHY THE HELL NOT?"
I'll tell you why not- my IQ and dignity are at stake if I spend 2 hours watching that crap, as is all of yours.
I can't rip on Downton like I rip on the Bachelor.
I mean come on people, this is an award-winning television program.
From England.
Starring Dame Maggie Smith.
I can't just make fun of Dame Maggie Smith.
I mean she's DAME MAGGIE SMITH, for sobbing out loud.

Can I nominate her to receive the elixir of life and be forever immortal?

I don't have that kind of jurisdiction?

Well that is pure poppy-cock.

This week on Downton Abbey, there's a big shindig going on and everyone is running around like a Beyonce just dropped another surprise album.

Poor Mrs. Patmore worried herself into a legitimate heart attack that was kind of glossed over in the wake of Branson trying to not sound like a total knob when conversing with the Duchess of Cougaring.

Thomas was a dick, as per usual. I get physically uncomfortable whenever Thomas is around. It's like when I cut my fingernails too short or my sock is half way off of my foot inside of my boot.

I don't see where Jimmy's plot line is going. Actually, I do know where it goes- to the pub where Ivy gets super turnt up while Alfred Charlie Brown sulks in the corner and Daisy sweats desperation into the prepared luncheon. Other than that I'm waiting for Jimmy to admit he's totally for dudes or get addicted to pain killers while his hand heals.

As for the upper-crusters, Lord and Lady Grantham are entertaining a whole mess of snobby people for a reason that is totally unclear and lost to me because, frankly, I'm preoccupied with Lady Mary being such a Debbie Downer. Take a man pill, Mare. We all feel the loss of beloved Matthew but now there's a new beefcake in town and she can get back in the ring. I'm not saying she needs to get back in the dating game to be an interesting character- I'm saying she needs to go back to being fierce, sassy and kind of a bitch because that's the Mary we know and love. Take a note from Queen Bey.

There's an Australian Opera singer involved in here somewhere and Carson totally dissed her and didn't initially invite her to dinner with the rest of the party. Robert only tolerated her presence when she started chatting him up about wine.

During the concert scene, Anna deals with the tension from earlier in the episode where a guest's butler was getting a little too friendly with her and Bates was like "WTF, Anna?" After complaining about a headache, Anna goes to get something to make her feel better and- to my absolute shock and dismay- gets cornered by the seedy butler in the kitchen and brutally beaten (and I'm assuming, raped). This had to be the most disturbing and upsetting thing to happen on the show. Yes, even worse than Sybil and Matthew dying in the same season. The entire scene made me want to vomit.

After swearing Mrs. Hughes to secrecy, Anna cleans herself up and puts on a happy face for her husband, who she can't tell about the incident because he would straight up murder the sick son of a bitch and go back to the clink. Bates can't go back to prison because then his storyline would get even more boring than that first time he was sent to prison.

Speaking of boring- *coughs* Lady Edith *coughs*

Where is the character development?
So she learned to drive a car. BIG DEAL.
She got jilted at the alter and is dating another senior citizen.
She dresses terribly and still detests her sister and never has anything remotely interesting to say except "I'm going into London again" and "Father will learn to like you, I promise."

You know what would be great- an unexpected pregnancy or elopement. Hell- I'd be cool with Mr. Gregson deciding to join the likes of the Third Reich once moving to Dusseldorf if it meant boosting this plot line.
I'm just saying it would be interesting

I need this show to maintain its regal manner but with a dash of CW Prime Time drama to keep it enticing. I think Edna sneaking into Branson's room at night covers that, don't you think?

I also need Granny to continue to be fabulously sassy.