Bachelor Week One: First Impressions and Getting Crunk

It's like he's photoshopped. 

Hot Ass Sean is back and has prepared his oiled abs for our entertainment. I've waited 5 long months for this spectacle to grace the small screen once again, and I was NOT disappointed.

I'm not addressing the bromance between Frying Pan Hands Arie and Sean. I just can't and I will not. It was funny and made me think for a second that Arie was the new Chris Harrison, fortunately I was mistaken.

I love you, Man. 

But where do I begin? There were so many things to harp on in the first 30 seconds of the show let alone the entire two hours devoted to this Greek god of abdominal perfection.

Like I said I'm not quite sure how to start this off- perhaps we'll just dive right in, yes?

Alright.

Let's go.

"I'm sure that most guys would want to date someone with TWO arms...but i just have the one"- Sarah, lacking limb.

The girl with a nub for an arm

Am I allowed to make fun of this?

Probably not, but long ago I accepted the fact that I may be going to hell for some of the things that I find amusing. One time I laughed at a blind guy eating spaghetti.

But no worries, I'll bring sunscreen.
SPF 150+, even though nothing over 30 really has any effect...allegedly.

As the women emerge from the limos, Sean's smile widens with each awkward first encounter. Apparently what really gets him going are knuckle tattoos with presumptuous meaning behind them. Tierra was the first contestant (because that's what they are guys, this is a television show) to receive a rose. She flashed her open heart knuckle tat and told Sean she hopes he will be the one to complete her.

Okay, Jerry Maguire. The human head weighs eight pounds, what else ya got?

Ladies with ties, wedding dresses and sub-par gymnastic skills

Ashley P. Is this chick 50 shades of cray cray? I think all signs point to yes.

As for Runaway Bride Lindsay, pump the brakes girl. You just met him and yes, he is gorgeous and way too nice as you try to sloppily dance with him to NO MUSIC, but don't try to mack it on the first night- especially when you admit that you aren't the most sober substitute teacher at the moment. Your school district must be so eager to hire you now.

"I don't really know what to do with my hands"

Sidenote: Of course Drunk Bride is the girl I picked to win on my Bachelor Fantasy League. Yeah, things like that exist.

I know I'm not alone in saying that there were a few too many bachelorettes getting wasty-pants at the Chateau tonight. Am I right? I always am. Ashley P. (50 Shades of a Prescription for Xanax) was not only riding the struggle bus at this cocktail party, she was driving it... into a wall... going 80.

As for the other not-so-train-wreck ladies, there may be some hope, as long as no one else attempts a back walkover or round off.

Back flips to black flops. Rough life, girl. Is that the best idea when you're in a long dress and on cobblestone? I have your answer, it's a No.

Tough break for the Jumbotron Operator from NY. You were pretty ballsy in demanding to know why Sean was handing out roses willy nilly, maybe that's why he said peace out before you could tell him you also get to run the Zamboni at Ranger games.

Can we all just address the elephant in the room that is Kacie B's presence? I mean, I love her and I'm glad she is going for a guy with less hair problems than Ben F- I was just surprised to see her and her really tacky pink shoes.

I'm taking bets, how long do we think the Professional Organizer will last? Anal retentiveness and a close attention to detail may make her career but it may steer away a bodacious man such as H.A.S.

There really have to be two women who are models... TWO?!

I have a strong feeling that some of these ladies wrestled with the decision to straighten or curl their hair for this episode... and in the end opted to chug like eight bottles of pinot instead.

One of the Leslie's (yes, there are two- and like 6 Ashley's) has an incredibly large pie hole. You can park a Prius in that mouth. I had Jack Nicholson flashbacks to when he played the Joker in Michael Keaton's Batman days.

I legitimately feel bad for Sean, this whole experience must be incredibly awkward. This is pretty much how I see all first encounters going as they all pour out of the limos:

• Sean: Hi
• Girl: OMG NICE TO MEET YOU, I ALREADY WROTE A NOVEL ABOUT YOU AND HERE'S A JAR OF MY TOENAILS

I'm just glad he has a rape whistle and he knows how to use it.

What did Ashley P's ass tat say?  All I got from her farewell interview was "Mom don't be mad".

THIS SEASON ON THE BACHELOR:

"It always starts off great and then someone goes ape" - Kelley Anne Carney, friend and viewer.

Word word KA, word.