Monday, August 5, 2013

Finale Part 2: The Last Bachelorette Blog

Tonight I am blogging from the Rossi’s house. Mrs. Rossi has prepared a DELICIOUS Eggplant Parmesan dinner and gotten us all Bachelorette themed party masks and goodies to celebrate the end of this terrible, terrible season. 

We filled out slips of paper with our predictions. 
Will she leave the show? 
Will the other guys get upset and leave too? 
Will Drew and Chris run away...together? 

Tonight is also the night where Des chooses her hunka-hunka burnin' love.

She may run away crying because the sting of the loss of Brooks will never fade. 

So that leaves us all with one question on our minds. 
How tall is Chris Harrison? 
(What Will Desiree Do?)

Des can’t seem to answer any sort of question without choking on the words and dabbing at her eyes with a hanky she cut from one of Brooks’ Henley tees. 

“It’s not what I wanted.”
You can’t always get what you want, Des. 

“If this isn’t what I want, I think it might be over.”

Well, we have about an hour and 47 minutes left in tonight’s episode so please explain to me what I am supposed to do with my life until then. 

Drew accepts the rose.
Chris accepts the rose. 
I’ve accepted that whoever composed this background music has compelled me to fling myself in front of a moving vehicle. 

Snaps to the girl speaking for all of “Bachelor Nation” to have ombre hair, a nose ring, and being so painfully an obviously from the valley. 

Drew’s date

If this horseback riding date ends up anything like a scene out of War Horse, I’m excited. 
But it looks like they’ll just end up crying and sweating on the beach. 
So it’s a scene out of Castaway instead. 
I’ll take it. 

Drew gets dumped.
That’s it.
He shows nothing but pure bewilderment which slowly turns into a creepy catatonic state that for some reason has the estrogen in that live studio raging like Lollapalooza. 

Chris’ Date

“Welcome!” exclaims awkwardly adorable Chris.

We were all thinking it...
They board a boat for- YOU GUESSED IT- an island adventure! 

I really think Des is more into saying ‘catamaran’ than anything else happening on this date. 

Chris is really sweet and comforting and most importantly, INTO HER, so that’s a plus. 

“Not many people can handle this’s like...emotionally draining” 
And stupid. 
Don’t forget stupid. 

He gives her a journal of poems and quotes wrapped with rope he wove from his chest hairs. 

“It feels so weird, but it feels good." Like putting ranch dressing on your pizza. 

Family Time

The brother returns. And he is interrogating Chris like he is Clare Danes in Homeland. 

He likes Chris.

It’s a done deal.

...I hope.


Chris To The Second Power enters the engagement site and we see that Contestant Chris is sweating like Kirstie Allie on an elliptical.

In fact, he is sweating so much the hand written poem he wrote is illegible because the paper is soaked and the ink is running with the moisture of his sopping palms. 

His little speech is adorable until she stops him from getting down on one knee. 



Wait, no private concert for the happy couple? 


Des is still engaged. 

Brooks is in the building. 

Drew has frosted tips.

Chris dresses like Don Draper.


I still don’t really care. 

Fond Farewells

This is the last Bachelor/Bachelorette blog for #marnieproblems. We had a good, long run and it’s time for something new. 

With that being said, tune in next week for my review of the final season of AMC’s Breaking Bad

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