Monday, February 23, 2015

The Humidity Is Not Doing Anyone Any Favors

We're in Bali.

Not like IN Bali, but you know, kind of like how Mercury is IN retrograde.



Chris cracks down on what he is looking for in a wife this week.

He just wants to know if the intimacy aspect exists in his semi-polygmatic relationship with 3 significantly headstrong women.

Kaitlyn's Date

Chris and Kaitlyn enter a temple where they can't mash their faces together because it's the rules.

Looking like quintessential American tourists, they walk into a lair of monkeys.

I don't care how cute you think the monkeys are. They are disgusting.

Much like intoxicated co-eds on Spring Break, these things jump around and urinate on people while trying to grab bananas that don't belong to them.

After (hopefully showering) the pair have dinner lagoon-side as the humidity wreaks havoc on everyone's hair.

They talk about having nerves and opening up and blah blah blah nobody cares because this all leads up to the Fantasy Suite.

What if Kaitlyn's fantasy is to eat coagulated marshmallows off of a bed of Hot Cheetos while Halloween sound effects from the 50s play over an old phonograph in the corner?

I don't know, that could be her thing.

She seems like she'd be into that.

Whitney's Date

After sucking 6,000 gaseous liters of Helium, Whitney meets up with Chris at a Bali marina to deafen any stray dogs that may be lurking nearby.

While out sailing on the Indian Ocean, Whitney unloads more emotional baggage about her family situation. I feel like Chris needs his own personal Lobby Boy to deal with all this luggage.

Later at dinner, notice how Whitney is getting all of the "Will you move for me?" questions.

Kaitlyn wasn't asked about saying Hasta La Vista to the moose and maple syrup of her motherland...just sayin'.

This one piece of hair constantly flying into her line of vision needs to settle down. Doesn't it know she's trying to embarrass herself on national television?

Has anyone ever realized Chris Harrison is the ultimate pimp? "Dude, take this key and bang all these chicks. We'll pay you for it."

Becca's Date

Becca is "crazy" about Chris.

Chris isn't so "crazy" about Becca not being a slut?

The couple venture into ANOTHER temple to meet with a seer/fortuneteller shaman.

This guy could be saying Sir-Mix-A-Lot lyrics and no one would know.

Becca and Chris have dinner by production candlelight to discuss her intact hymen.

Before she drops the purity bomb, Chris coaxes Becca to admit her feelings and responds to those feelings buy not looking her directly in the eye and mumbling.

You may be actually scum, Prince Farming.

As they enter the Fantasy Suite (which he has already christened TWICE) Becca's nerves must be going bonkers.

She just spits it out, leaving Chris positively dumfounded.

Face it, Chris...

He's ready to dump Becca hard core and get back to the farm. He misses his sheep and the wants to run away from the pressure of being articulate.

If there was a Gold Medal for mumbling, Chris Soules would be the one on the podium, averting eye contact and working on his slack-jaw.

I'd like for their to be a blog devoted to photos of Chirs Harrison's passport.

The man has been hosting over 8,000 seasons of The Bachelor and has stepped foot on every continent.

His blog could tell a greater love story than Twilight.

But then again, the connection between my phone and it's charger is a better love story than Twilight.

The Rose Ceremony

Chris is ready to break some hearts in A THIRD sacred Bali temple.

Chris Harrison is there to greet him.

"Please respect this temple and the restrictions of this holy place. With that being said, how was all the sex?"

Chris pulls Becca aside before giving out any roses and they dive into an intense conversation.

This conversation is drastically one-sided as Becca pours out her heart and soul and Chris ONCE AGAIN, can't meet her eye line or enunciate.

Whitney speaks her mind. "She can't be right of him if I'm right for him."

Much to our (my) surprise, we say goodbye to Kaitlyn. Aufweidersen, Breakdances With Wolves.

You'll find your lobster somewhere out in that Canadian wilderness, or as the next Bachelorette.

Next Week

The. Women. Tell. All.

Monday, February 16, 2015

This Is Why We Are Weak And Natural Selection Is Coming For Us

Leaving off with the Rose Ceremony from last week's episode, we bid adieu to Megan. She never stood a chance because she was just too normal.

Chris Harrison announces that another contestant will be departing and all eyes are on Carly.

The cruise ship singer is obviously the next on the chopping block and was hoping she'd have another week to convince Chris that there's much more to her than aggressive side bangs and a knack for karaoke.

But Chris steps in, announces no one else will be going home tonight, and inflicts a far worse punishment on them...


One-on-One #1

The women walk into the hotel suite (that doesn't hold a candle to the kinds of places they usually stay in) and there's a date card waiting for Jade.

"I'm glad that you get to do that but I'm going to set your car on fire."

In an effort to describe the metropolis that is central Iowa, Jade is just naming everything she sees.
"So much corn."
"Dirt road."

She says she would have to readjust to the slower lifestyle, because... you know... Jade moved out to LA to model for Playboy and life's been one big party ever since.

Chris is realizing just how lame his hometown really is and how no mentally stable person would ever willingly move there.

So he takes her to a high school football game to prove that people inhabit the corn fields and to abruptly introduce her to his parents.

"I recognize her from somewhere..." thinks Old Man Soules. 

Jade chickens out of telling Chris about the northern (and southern) exposure of her past, right before snapping a selfie with her potential in-laws.

One-on-One #2

Whitney gets the second solo date and is visibly pissed she doesn't get to see Chris' hometown.
But not as pissed as Britt.

Apparently it's shaking her to the core and touching her soul in a place she's not used to being touched in.

Whitney and Chris head to an art gallery in Des Moines to take their own photos while she just exclaims "SHUT UP!" at everything they do or see.

Meanwhile back at the hotel, the remaining women decide to take a road trip to Arlington behind Chris' back...

And proceed to drive straight through it, then double back to ask the local pastor, who was wearing a Call of Duty t-shirt, where a good restaurant is.

His response was "Not in Arlington. Y'all like video games?"

Britt has no intention of moving to Cornville anytime soon and puts on an act that fools absolutely no one.

Group Date

Carly, Kaitlyn, and Britt get to go ice skating with Chris.

Because apparently there is nothing else to do in Iowa. 

Britt spills the beans about the secret pilgrimage to Chris' hometown.

"I felt really alive there. Like that time I mowed the lawn with my dad's tractor or like that time I ate a spicy tuna roll."

When Kaitlin returns with the rose, Britt looks like she's going to impale herself on one of the many loose pieces of metal in this little shop of romantic horrors.

She then rambles on about her feelings for far too long.

Back at the hotel, Britt announces that she is packed and ready to go before the Rose Ceremony.

Once again, nobody is buying it.

Britt seems to love the chase and a game of cat and mouse. She thrives on drama as a waitress in LA (AKA ASPIRING ACTRESS) and is soaking up every bit of exposure she can.

Rose Ceremony #1

Tonight's episode begins with the Rose Ceremony from last night because ABC is trying to kill us slowly by withholding information.

With another cocktail party cancelled, the women line up to wait for rejection.

Britt chooses to interrupt Chris' speech and drags him away to ramble on further and embarrass herself.

After having enough of her malarky, we say goodbye to the glitter and drama, but there is still one rose left.

We know Jade tells Chris about her nudie pics when he goes to visit her in Nebraska, so Carly is the one to go home.

Sad to see her no-BS attitude go, but we must swiftly move on to my favorite episode of the season, Hometown Dates.

Hometown Date #1

Chris ventures down to Shreveport, Louisiana to deflower Becca.


Remember a few seasons ago, when Des' brother really put the nail in the coffin on her and Sean's relationship? History may be repeating itself with Becca's sisters harping on her lack of lovin' in the past.

Is Becca going to take Chris out on the swamp to shoot some gators? Eat some craw fish? Play fooseball with Bobby Boucher?

No, they just go to an amusement park and ride the ferris wheel.

Hometown Date #2

In Chi-Town, Whitney brings Chris to the fertility clinic where she hands poor college students old editions of Hustler Magazine and they hand back their deposits in exchange for cash.

Alright, alright.

She also creates life, completes families, and brings joy to parents across the Windy City, but that aforementioned step in her daily work life can't be overlooked. It just can't.

Whitney drops the L word.

No the other L word.

They share a bottle of fancy shmancy wine my parents probably know a lot about, and I'm practically bored to tears.

Hometown Date #3

Caitlin brings Chris to Phoenix, Arizona where her Canadian family summers when Alberta is a swirling vortex of ice, free health care, and frozen moose carcasses.

The duo enter a recording studio to lay down a few tracks, inspired by their time together on the show.

At least they have better free-styling skills than Iggy Azalea?

Kaitlyn's family welcomes Chris with open arms and I'm really just hoping for some type of drama to happen when he goes to see Jade.

This smooth-sailing business is not what I blog for.

Hometown Date #4

Jade lures Chris to scenic Omaha, Nebraska to drop the bomb that her Bermuda Triangle is all over the Internet.

Her family keeps hinting at her crazy past and wild spirit.

She must be taking sedatives or smoking behind the craft services tent with the production assistants because she seems like the most low-key (boring) person on the show.

Leave it to Chris to overlook the quiet kind of crazy.

Jade doesn't just tell Chris about her experience with Playboy, but whips out the laptop and shows him.

Show and Tell gets awkward when it looks like Chris is going back to his hotel to Google the rest of the women, just to make sure.

Rose Ceremony #2

After no cocktail party (AGAIN) and no angst, Chris makes a decision.

Fare thee well, Jade.

I guess even your bare beaver couldn't save your relationship.

Also you seem to be just a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside of some teenage boy's browser history.

Next Week

Chris takes the ladies somewhere tropical to diddle them in a hut.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Punch Me In The Face, Because This Is Never Ending

Last week on The Bachelor, we left off  with Kelsey having a "panic attack" that sounded a lot like over-exasperated sex noises.

This week, her community theater acting chops aren't fooling the rest of the women. 

Prince Farming, however, has inhaled too much pesticide spray over the years and thinks she just sounds like a cow in heat. 

The Rose Ceremony

This week's prolonged Rose Ceremony is brought to you by the Grand Rapids Community Theater Company, Dr. Ira Goldenbladt of The Beverly Hills Cosmetic Surgery Practice, and the nice Vietnamese woman who applies the tarantula-sized falsies to Ashley's eyelids each morning.

We say goodbye to Samantha, who has literally been on camera 3 times and has not spoken since the first night. 

From this circle of devastation, Chris and the women take off for Deadwood. The place where no one would ever think to go for a romantic time, ever, in the history of ever. 

One-on-One Date

Becca finally got a one-on-one date and everyone is really happy for her/ filling her shampoo bottle with Nair. 

But I can't worry about the safety of Becca's golden locks now that I realize Kelsey is a guidance counselor FOR CHILDREN. 

I basically had a mop with a wig as my guidance counselor in high school but I'm confident in saying that Kelsey would still be a poor choice in comparison. 

I don't even care what Becca and Chris are doing on their date, because I'm waiting for Breakdances With Wolves to rip out a chunk of Kelsey's bob to burn in effigy during the next Rose Ceremony.  

After the couple rode horses or something, they cuddle up by a bonfire and Becca finally addresses Chris' prepubescent giggle that stole the hearts of women and gay men across the nation. 

Group Date 

Big & Rich shows up and suddenly Whitney has a southern twang and a need to line dance. 

The ladies are asked to write a song and perform it- making Carly's profession as a cruise ship singer valuable for the first time in her life. 

Is she going to do okay without the over-60 audience and pungent scent of menthol cigarettes, moth balls, and lint-covered butterscotch candies?

Sure these girls can write a few musical lines about their love for Chris, but can they match pitch? Are they experienced in mermaid dancing? 

It's a lot of floor work. 

Here it is folks. The first PUBLIC concert in Bachelor history. 

And it comes with a rose. 

And white people dancing. 

Britt and Chris return from the concert with rose in hand and everyone immediately starts crying. 

Let me ask you a question, women of The Bachelor, do you understand the way this TELEVISION SHOW works? 
Do you get how there are PRODUCERS and WRITERS calculating your every move and using it to their advantage? 
Oh, you were too busy steaming your meat wallet? 


I digress. 

Two-on-One Date

This date is always a crowd-pleaser. 

It's essentially the Bachelor/ Bachelorette trying to figure out which person sucks less.

The trio make their way into the Badlands. If you know nothing about this place, go ask Kelsey because apparently she's a freakin' encyclopedia of information on all things in the history of the world. 

After a warning from Ashley, Chris calls Kelsey out on being a cyborg, and in true Artificial Intelligence style, she overcompensates with emotion and plots the demise of the one who crossed her. 

I don't like Kelsey by any means, nor do I want her to advance in the competition. But if her sticking around for another week means I don't have to endure another two hours of Ashley crying, then so be it.

Ashley takes a hike- literally- and Chris practically nixes Kelsey in the same breath. 

No Rose Ceremony, again?

Next Week


Chris takes the ladies to Iowa on Sunday and then we get some hometown dates on Monday. 

Expect the usual blog on Monday after the hometown dates. 

I'm not a circus monkey here for your entertainment. 

Tuesday, February 3, 2015

Girl Who Cried So Much She Turned A Country Against Her

Sorry for the late post. The beautiful weather here makes my commute as predictable as Nicole Richie's hair color and puts a kink in the time that I arrive home.

I just got a text from Steve Caporale, beloved friend,  husband to Amelia, and father to the Cap Sisters Three, asking that I send him the link to this post.

One-On-One Date #1

Where are they?
I have no idea.

Do I care to clarify and rewind the episode?
Absolutely not.
Full. Steam. Ahead.

Carly The Cruise Ship Singer is super stoked for her one-on-one date. It's probably because it's on dry land.

If you can pronounce the name of this hippie Love Guru then 5 gold stars for you. She seems totally legit, but I'm sure Mike Myers would have done a much better job.

As they breathe heavily and chant, Chris says he just wants to find out if he has a connection with Carly, while anyone else tuning in at this moment would think he wants to give birth.

Part of me thinks this is a Jimmy Kimmel joke. Like that time he had all those parents tell their kids that they ate their Halloween candy.

You know when someone overly uses the word "like" as a filler?

You know when you notice it and the glass shatters and its all you hear and you want to jump out of a moving vehicle to escape the idiocy?

That's Carly.

Despite her like, lack of emotional depth during the date, like, Carly did like, okay I guess and got like, this super cute rose.

Chris says he thinks Carly might be the best wife he could ever ask for. Does that mean the show's over now?
Are we done?
Can we go home?

Group Date

White water rafting.


Ranger Rick is there to warn the women about the dangers of rafting, looking suspiciously like Richard Dreyfuss.

THANK GOD Ashley I. is in full makeup for today's date.
Because what outdoor date DOESN'T call for a pink pastel lip tint and 5" falsies?

Jade takes a dip in the water and all of the other women get jealous that Chris is helping to warm her poorly circulated feet.

It's not that rare, Jade, get over yourself.

The more Kelsey talks, the more I notice how her haircut screams "I'd like to speak with a manager."

SURPRISE, SURPRISE, Drunk Jordan shows up, addressing her drunkenness and practically begging for a second chance.

She says she has "Strong Faith in God" that she was led back to Chris for a reason.

Coincidentally, I think she also has strong Faith in her agent's ability to conspire with the producers to create situational drama.

Are you supposed to capitalize faith? What are the rules? Am I going to be smited if I do/don't?

Kelsey feels the need to make us hate her even more by noting how articulate she usually is after being at a loss for words upon Jordan's arrival.

While Ashley I. falls comfortably back into the role as the mean high school girl who is so despicably cantankerous to anyone who doesn't fit into her princess agenda, Chris and Jordan discuss their potential relationship.

Unfortunately Regina George gets her wish and Jordan returns back to the wine bottle she crawled out of, with dignity.

Whitney gets the rose for being a human being.

Her voice is annoying but as long as it keeps Ashley I. ugly crying, GO WHITNEY, GO!

One-On-One #2

Britt With Two T's is already hyperventilating over the fact that she may be more than 6 feet in the air while on this date.

BWTT's, I think you need to worry more about your jammy-ass roots than the inevitable helicopter ride over something scenic.

Chris took a cue from Jimmy and snuck in to wake up Britt for their date.

Carly accurately narrates the event of Britt waking up with FULL FREAKING MAKEUP and smooching Chris, while the other women staying in the small hotel room try not to blow up Britt's head with the Gamma rays of hate radiating from their hollow souls.

The pair arrives to a hot air balloon field and BWTT's is masking her crippling fear of her impending doom with excitement. I'm totally kidding she is 100% calm and was 100% bullshitting us before with the exasperated crying.

"It's the perfect day with the perfect person." Chris, you fool. Everyone knows the perfect day involves at least 2 cases of Nutella and a Marvel superhero movie.

This date is sub-par, at best.

Mention how clean his room is again, Britt, do it. Draw more attention to your neglect for hygiene.

Ashley I. continues to stir the pot and shit on anyone who isn't present- thus sealing her fate as the next Tierra. Psychotic, demonic, and vain.

Carly The Cruise Ship singer continues to become upset about the entire process that she willingly signed up for and understood- SINCE THIS SHOW HAS BEEN ON FOR NEARLY 15 YEARS.

The Rose Ceremony

Kelsey isn't going to let us down and not spit some more crazy before the Rose Ceremony. She sneaks into Chris' room for some macking after unconvincingly telling her tragic story and I don't think I've ever had less faith in humanity than I do right now.


Oh they're in Santa Fe. That's nice.

Remember when Hot Ass Sean took his girlfriends to Switzerland? Yeah...

Carly may say "like" too much but she knows what's up.

Kelsey is the new Onion Ashley, but a more seriously disturbed Onion Ashley. A version of Onion Ashley that probably would slip Chris a horse tranquilizer and drive him out to a lake house in Michigan without phones, food, or film crew.

Chris gets a bit weepy and can't seem to breathe through his nose so he takes a moment to prolong our misery and makes us sit long enough to get us mad. Then NOBODY GOES HOME.







Kelsey is having a fake panic attack and I literally couldn't care less.

Next Week

Ashley I. cries some more.