I just got a text from Steve Caporale, beloved friend, husband to Amelia, and father to the Cap Sisters Three, asking that I send him the link to this post.
One-On-One Date #1
Where are they?
I have no idea.
Do I care to clarify and rewind the episode?
Full. Steam. Ahead.
Carly The Cruise Ship Singer is super stoked for her one-on-one date. It's probably because it's on dry land.
If you can pronounce the name of this hippie Love Guru then 5 gold stars for you. She seems totally legit, but I'm sure Mike Myers would have done a much better job.
As they breathe heavily and chant, Chris says he just wants to find out if he has a connection with Carly, while anyone else tuning in at this moment would think he wants to give birth.
Part of me thinks this is a Jimmy Kimmel joke. Like that time he had all those parents tell their kids that they ate their Halloween candy.
You know when someone overly uses the word "like" as a filler?
You know when you notice it and the glass shatters and its all you hear and you want to jump out of a moving vehicle to escape the idiocy?
Despite her like, lack of emotional depth during the date, like, Carly did like, okay I guess and got like, this super cute rose.
Chris says he thinks Carly might be the best wife he could ever ask for. Does that mean the show's over now?
Are we done?
Can we go home?
Ranger Rick is there to warn the women about the dangers of rafting, looking suspiciously like Richard Dreyfuss.
THANK GOD Ashley I. is in full makeup for today's date.
Because what outdoor date DOESN'T call for a pink pastel lip tint and 5" falsies?
Jade takes a dip in the water and all of the other women get jealous that Chris is helping to warm her poorly circulated feet.
It's not that rare, Jade, get over yourself.
The more Kelsey talks, the more I notice how her haircut screams "I'd like to speak with a manager."
SURPRISE, SURPRISE, Drunk Jordan shows up, addressing her drunkenness and practically begging for a second chance.
She says she has "Strong Faith in God" that she was led back to Chris for a reason.
Coincidentally, I think she also has strong Faith in her agent's ability to conspire with the producers to create situational drama.
Are you supposed to capitalize faith? What are the rules? Am I going to be smited if I do/don't?
Kelsey feels the need to make us hate her even more by noting how articulate she usually is after being at a loss for words upon Jordan's arrival.
While Ashley I. falls comfortably back into the role as the mean high school girl who is so despicably cantankerous to anyone who doesn't fit into her princess agenda, Chris and Jordan discuss their potential relationship.
Unfortunately Regina George gets her wish and Jordan returns back to the wine bottle she crawled out of, with dignity.
Whitney gets the rose for being a human being.
Her voice is annoying but as long as it keeps Ashley I. ugly crying, GO WHITNEY, GO!
Britt With Two T's is already hyperventilating over the fact that she may be more than 6 feet in the air while on this date.
BWTT's, I think you need to worry more about your jammy-ass roots than the inevitable helicopter ride over something scenic.
Chris took a cue from Jimmy and snuck in to wake up Britt for their date.
Carly accurately narrates the event of Britt waking up with FULL FREAKING MAKEUP and smooching Chris, while the other women staying in the small hotel room try not to blow up Britt's head with the Gamma rays of hate radiating from their hollow souls.
The pair arrives to a hot air balloon field and BWTT's is masking her crippling fear of her impending doom with excitement. I'm totally kidding she is 100% calm and was 100% bullshitting us before with the exasperated crying.
"It's the perfect day with the perfect person." Chris, you fool. Everyone knows the perfect day involves at least 2 cases of Nutella and a Marvel superhero movie.
This date is sub-par, at best.
Mention how clean his room is again, Britt, do it. Draw more attention to your neglect for hygiene.
Ashley I. continues to stir the pot and shit on anyone who isn't present- thus sealing her fate as the next Tierra. Psychotic, demonic, and vain.
Carly The Cruise Ship singer continues to become upset about the entire process that she willingly signed up for and understood- SINCE THIS SHOW HAS BEEN ON FOR NEARLY 15 YEARS.
The Rose Ceremony
Kelsey isn't going to let us down and not spit some more crazy before the Rose Ceremony. She sneaks into Chris' room for some macking after unconvincingly telling her tragic story and I don't think I've ever had less faith in humanity than I do right now.
WHO ARE MEGAN AND SAM?
HAVE THEY BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME?
Oh they're in Santa Fe. That's nice.
Remember when Hot Ass Sean took his girlfriends to Switzerland? Yeah...
Carly may say "like" too much but she knows what's up.
Kelsey is the new Onion Ashley, but a more seriously disturbed Onion Ashley. A version of Onion Ashley that probably would slip Chris a horse tranquilizer and drive him out to a lake house in Michigan without phones, food, or film crew.
Chris gets a bit weepy and can't seem to breathe through his nose so he takes a moment to prolong our misery and makes us sit long enough to get us mad. Then NOBODY GOES HOME.
ASHLEY I. WHAT IS SAD ABOUT YOUR STORY?!
TELL ME ABOUT HOW YOU HAD TO START SHAVING YOUR LEGS AT THE AGE OF 7 WITH YOUR WILDEBEAST DARK HAIR FOLLICLES.
OH IS THAT IT?
THAT'S THE EXTENT OF YOUR HARDSHIP?
SHUT THE HELL UP.
Ashley I. cries some more.