Monday, February 23, 2015

The Humidity Is Not Doing Anyone Any Favors

We're in Bali.

Not like IN Bali, but you know, kind of like how Mercury is IN retrograde.



Chris cracks down on what he is looking for in a wife this week.

He just wants to know if the intimacy aspect exists in his semi-polygmatic relationship with 3 significantly headstrong women.

Kaitlyn's Date

Chris and Kaitlyn enter a temple where they can't mash their faces together because it's the rules.

Looking like quintessential American tourists, they walk into a lair of monkeys.

I don't care how cute you think the monkeys are. They are disgusting.

Much like intoxicated co-eds on Spring Break, these things jump around and urinate on people while trying to grab bananas that don't belong to them.

After (hopefully showering) the pair have dinner lagoon-side as the humidity wreaks havoc on everyone's hair.

They talk about having nerves and opening up and blah blah blah nobody cares because this all leads up to the Fantasy Suite.

What if Kaitlyn's fantasy is to eat coagulated marshmallows off of a bed of Hot Cheetos while Halloween sound effects from the 50s play over an old phonograph in the corner?

I don't know, that could be her thing.

She seems like she'd be into that.

Whitney's Date

After sucking 6,000 gaseous liters of Helium, Whitney meets up with Chris at a Bali marina to deafen any stray dogs that may be lurking nearby.

While out sailing on the Indian Ocean, Whitney unloads more emotional baggage about her family situation. I feel like Chris needs his own personal Lobby Boy to deal with all this luggage.

Later at dinner, notice how Whitney is getting all of the "Will you move for me?" questions.

Kaitlyn wasn't asked about saying Hasta La Vista to the moose and maple syrup of her motherland...just sayin'.

This one piece of hair constantly flying into her line of vision needs to settle down. Doesn't it know she's trying to embarrass herself on national television?

Has anyone ever realized Chris Harrison is the ultimate pimp? "Dude, take this key and bang all these chicks. We'll pay you for it."

Becca's Date

Becca is "crazy" about Chris.

Chris isn't so "crazy" about Becca not being a slut?

The couple venture into ANOTHER temple to meet with a seer/fortuneteller shaman.

This guy could be saying Sir-Mix-A-Lot lyrics and no one would know.

Becca and Chris have dinner by production candlelight to discuss her intact hymen.

Before she drops the purity bomb, Chris coaxes Becca to admit her feelings and responds to those feelings buy not looking her directly in the eye and mumbling.

You may be actually scum, Prince Farming.

As they enter the Fantasy Suite (which he has already christened TWICE) Becca's nerves must be going bonkers.

She just spits it out, leaving Chris positively dumfounded.

Face it, Chris...

He's ready to dump Becca hard core and get back to the farm. He misses his sheep and the wants to run away from the pressure of being articulate.

If there was a Gold Medal for mumbling, Chris Soules would be the one on the podium, averting eye contact and working on his slack-jaw.

I'd like for their to be a blog devoted to photos of Chirs Harrison's passport.

The man has been hosting over 8,000 seasons of The Bachelor and has stepped foot on every continent.

His blog could tell a greater love story than Twilight.

But then again, the connection between my phone and it's charger is a better love story than Twilight.

The Rose Ceremony

Chris is ready to break some hearts in A THIRD sacred Bali temple.

Chris Harrison is there to greet him.

"Please respect this temple and the restrictions of this holy place. With that being said, how was all the sex?"

Chris pulls Becca aside before giving out any roses and they dive into an intense conversation.

This conversation is drastically one-sided as Becca pours out her heart and soul and Chris ONCE AGAIN, can't meet her eye line or enunciate.

Whitney speaks her mind. "She can't be right of him if I'm right for him."

Much to our (my) surprise, we say goodbye to Kaitlyn. Aufweidersen, Breakdances With Wolves.

You'll find your lobster somewhere out in that Canadian wilderness, or as the next Bachelorette.

Next Week

The. Women. Tell. All.

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