Monday, February 16, 2015

This Is Why We Are Weak And Natural Selection Is Coming For Us

Leaving off with the Rose Ceremony from last week's episode, we bid adieu to Megan. She never stood a chance because she was just too normal.

Chris Harrison announces that another contestant will be departing and all eyes are on Carly.

The cruise ship singer is obviously the next on the chopping block and was hoping she'd have another week to convince Chris that there's much more to her than aggressive side bangs and a knack for karaoke.

But Chris steps in, announces no one else will be going home tonight, and inflicts a far worse punishment on them...


One-on-One #1

The women walk into the hotel suite (that doesn't hold a candle to the kinds of places they usually stay in) and there's a date card waiting for Jade.

"I'm glad that you get to do that but I'm going to set your car on fire."

In an effort to describe the metropolis that is central Iowa, Jade is just naming everything she sees.
"So much corn."
"Dirt road."

She says she would have to readjust to the slower lifestyle, because... you know... Jade moved out to LA to model for Playboy and life's been one big party ever since.

Chris is realizing just how lame his hometown really is and how no mentally stable person would ever willingly move there.

So he takes her to a high school football game to prove that people inhabit the corn fields and to abruptly introduce her to his parents.

"I recognize her from somewhere..." thinks Old Man Soules. 

Jade chickens out of telling Chris about the northern (and southern) exposure of her past, right before snapping a selfie with her potential in-laws.

One-on-One #2

Whitney gets the second solo date and is visibly pissed she doesn't get to see Chris' hometown.
But not as pissed as Britt.

Apparently it's shaking her to the core and touching her soul in a place she's not used to being touched in.

Whitney and Chris head to an art gallery in Des Moines to take their own photos while she just exclaims "SHUT UP!" at everything they do or see.

Meanwhile back at the hotel, the remaining women decide to take a road trip to Arlington behind Chris' back...

And proceed to drive straight through it, then double back to ask the local pastor, who was wearing a Call of Duty t-shirt, where a good restaurant is.

His response was "Not in Arlington. Y'all like video games?"

Britt has no intention of moving to Cornville anytime soon and puts on an act that fools absolutely no one.

Group Date

Carly, Kaitlyn, and Britt get to go ice skating with Chris.

Because apparently there is nothing else to do in Iowa. 

Britt spills the beans about the secret pilgrimage to Chris' hometown.

"I felt really alive there. Like that time I mowed the lawn with my dad's tractor or like that time I ate a spicy tuna roll."

When Kaitlin returns with the rose, Britt looks like she's going to impale herself on one of the many loose pieces of metal in this little shop of romantic horrors.

She then rambles on about her feelings for far too long.

Back at the hotel, Britt announces that she is packed and ready to go before the Rose Ceremony.

Once again, nobody is buying it.

Britt seems to love the chase and a game of cat and mouse. She thrives on drama as a waitress in LA (AKA ASPIRING ACTRESS) and is soaking up every bit of exposure she can.

Rose Ceremony #1

Tonight's episode begins with the Rose Ceremony from last night because ABC is trying to kill us slowly by withholding information.

With another cocktail party cancelled, the women line up to wait for rejection.

Britt chooses to interrupt Chris' speech and drags him away to ramble on further and embarrass herself.

After having enough of her malarky, we say goodbye to the glitter and drama, but there is still one rose left.

We know Jade tells Chris about her nudie pics when he goes to visit her in Nebraska, so Carly is the one to go home.

Sad to see her no-BS attitude go, but we must swiftly move on to my favorite episode of the season, Hometown Dates.

Hometown Date #1

Chris ventures down to Shreveport, Louisiana to deflower Becca.


Remember a few seasons ago, when Des' brother really put the nail in the coffin on her and Sean's relationship? History may be repeating itself with Becca's sisters harping on her lack of lovin' in the past.

Is Becca going to take Chris out on the swamp to shoot some gators? Eat some craw fish? Play fooseball with Bobby Boucher?

No, they just go to an amusement park and ride the ferris wheel.

Hometown Date #2

In Chi-Town, Whitney brings Chris to the fertility clinic where she hands poor college students old editions of Hustler Magazine and they hand back their deposits in exchange for cash.

Alright, alright.

She also creates life, completes families, and brings joy to parents across the Windy City, but that aforementioned step in her daily work life can't be overlooked. It just can't.

Whitney drops the L word.

No the other L word.

They share a bottle of fancy shmancy wine my parents probably know a lot about, and I'm practically bored to tears.

Hometown Date #3

Caitlin brings Chris to Phoenix, Arizona where her Canadian family summers when Alberta is a swirling vortex of ice, free health care, and frozen moose carcasses.

The duo enter a recording studio to lay down a few tracks, inspired by their time together on the show.

At least they have better free-styling skills than Iggy Azalea?

Kaitlyn's family welcomes Chris with open arms and I'm really just hoping for some type of drama to happen when he goes to see Jade.

This smooth-sailing business is not what I blog for.

Hometown Date #4

Jade lures Chris to scenic Omaha, Nebraska to drop the bomb that her Bermuda Triangle is all over the Internet.

Her family keeps hinting at her crazy past and wild spirit.

She must be taking sedatives or smoking behind the craft services tent with the production assistants because she seems like the most low-key (boring) person on the show.

Leave it to Chris to overlook the quiet kind of crazy.

Jade doesn't just tell Chris about her experience with Playboy, but whips out the laptop and shows him.

Show and Tell gets awkward when it looks like Chris is going back to his hotel to Google the rest of the women, just to make sure.

Rose Ceremony #2

After no cocktail party (AGAIN) and no angst, Chris makes a decision.

Fare thee well, Jade.

I guess even your bare beaver couldn't save your relationship.

Also you seem to be just a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, inside of some teenage boy's browser history.

Next Week

Chris takes the ladies somewhere tropical to diddle them in a hut.

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