Monday, January 26, 2015

Even #Snowmageddon Can't Stop This

Look outside your window- does it look like a white, wintry Hell? Welcome to New England (or the Tri-State Area). If you don't see that white devil rain all over the street, congratulations, I wish I was you.

Much like the icy winds of Winter Storm Juno, these women are being all kind of crazy.

Group Date #1

Kelsey is a self-proclaimed "natural person" so naturally, she's dating a guy who is also dating 12 other women, who all live in the same house.

Chris is really in his element on the lake, paddle boarding, shirtless, watching Breakdances with Wolves go commando amongst the other 5 girls.

Meanwhile back at the house, the remaining contestants meet Chris' sisters and scare them with Jillian's ass.

Is there just one dude on the production crew that is solely responsible for that censor bar across her donk?

Whatever the case may be, Jillian is not making good impression on the sisters.

Chris' sisters are interrogating chatting with the women back at the house to see who is the least neurotic and would look good with a pitchfork in her hand.

Jillian may or may not try to dead lift one of them.

Chris announces that the group will be camping out at the lake site and Kelsey's head just exploded due to her being so high-maintenance that she makes me look outdoorsy.

Jade is concerned about being a wallflower in a house full of maniacs. She may be dead behind the eyes and have her "own line of organic makeup," but she's tolerable and if she makes Jillian stress-eat  800 kalteen bars then she's cool in my book.

Back at the campsite Kelsey laughs like a 1993 Julia Roberts while Onion Ashley somehow is still in the running (thanks to a note from her psychiatrist and a helpful nudge from the producers).

You can almost smell Ashley I's desperate determination to sneak into Chris' tent in the dark of the night. Reconsider, Ash- he won't be able to see your Kardashian look without a flashlight (even though you could land a plane on those false eyelashes).

I'm convinced that Chris is making out with everyone just to get them to stop talking. Seriously, these women have the diction of a high school sophomore who got dropped off at the mall to shop alone for the first time and she's currently in a Twitter-fight with half of her class.

One-On-One Date 

Jade is getting the princess treatment. Jewelry, shoes, a dress, the works.


The theme of the date was inspired by... oh, this is a shameless movie plug. Can someone explain to Disney that this might be the wrong demographic for promoting their latest fairytale reboot?

Ashley I is going to fling herself into the fountain during Jade's princess date. Her mascara will run, her lashes will deflate, and hopefully she ugly cries like a Kardashian too.

Group Date #2

Wedding dresses?


Oh wait its a MuckFestMS?

Jillian is glad she juiced up on the plane and tears up the obstacle course while others fail miserably and Chris helps straggler Becca.

Chris and Jillian sit on top of a hotel and play a weird game of Would You Rather after she runs her mouth so much that Chris gets totally turned off and doesn't give her the rose.

Jillian will be fine. Her local Crunch Gym will surely spit out some beefy Hanz & Franz clones for her to work out with 87 hours a week.

Rose Ceremony

Mackenzie is there to talk Ashley I off the ledge and convince her that her "boyfriend" WHO THEY ESSENTIALLY SHARE is still into her even though she's never let anyone near her downstairs.

Becca drops the bomb that she too is as pure as sugar cane and in one fantastic swoop Ashley I's thunder is stolen and all is right with the world.

Britt drops a truth bomb on Chris, demanding why lewd behavior is being rewarded with roses and he gets super defensive and makes a statement to the rest of the ladies.

Goodbye, Onion Ashley, you were entertaining for a bit, then concerning, then entertaining again.

Adios, Sad Julia.

Au revoir, Nikki. We hardly (and didn't) knew ye.

Next Week

Kelsey gets even more annoying.

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